Hello everyone,
I am a little bit lost and I would need some advice.
Two years ago, I started dating a guy (I am female) who was already involved in a 8-years relationship with his girlfriend, with whom he shared a house. I had already an experience in open relationship, and all my friend are in similar relationship so I wanted to try out (despite my short-term comfort for mono relationships).
But the beginning of my relationship with this guy (T) was difficult. I was not in love with the guy (T), he was very shortly and deeply with me. When I started to fall in love with him, I realised that he was putting me in the place of the unicorn. He wanted to form a trouple with me and his other girlfriend and was very insistent. The other girlfriend was also in love with me at one point. But I was always sure I didn't want that and I expressed my limits. I also asked if it was possible for them to be in a non-hierarchical poly relationship. I didn't want to come second. My condition was that anything the first girlfriend could have, I could also have at some point. For example, being invited to family parties and sharing a house. If the answer had been no, I would have stopped at that point. But the answer was yes, after talking to the other girlfriend.
Two years went by, during which I regularly felt I had less decision-making power than the other girlfriend. Many of the 'steps' in our relationship had to be validated by her first. She always agreed to everything I asked (and we had become friends). She also agreed that one day I could live with T. When I tried to talk to T about my impression of being second best, he said I was wrong and that he loved us both equally.
During the two years, I crushed on a transgender guy, and saw him for 3 months. At the beginning, T was very jealous and the he learned quickly comparsion. I couldn't manage two relationships at once and dumped the other guy. I realised that I didn't want to date 2 people at the same time. I'm fine with an open relationship for picking up people and kissing people, but that's where it ends (at least at the beginning of my main relationship).
He do not like very much the poly situation, he adapts because it is the pragmatic fact (he has 2 girlfriends he loves deeply). He agreed not to open up his feelings to a third person, or a second person if it ended with his other girlfriend. I asked him to do this because I don't want to deal with my jealousy. On the other hand, sexually he does what he wants and that's fine with me.
It took T a year and a half to tell his father about me (I even lied to the father once, which was clearly my limits and after that T spoke to his father). I've never been invited to a family party in two years (only 3 family dinners). As his relationship with his other girlfriend has been going badly for the last two years, T suggested last week that I think about the hierarchical relationship (he was reluctant to stop with her). I realised that I really wanted to. But he thought about it and finally decided to stay with my metamour, because he loves her and wants to be there for her because she is depressed. By this time, she had expressed doubts about her relationship with him and had chosen to leave the house where they lived together.
I asked what I thought was possible and logical from the very beginning of this relationship. I asked for us to live together, not immediately but in a year's time (which he accepted) and to be the guest at family celebrations. I wanted to reverse the trend and be in the other girlfriend's shoes. But T told me that it was hierarchy. That for the last 2 years, I was right, the relationship had been hierarchical to my detriment (he apologised for this) but that he didn't want to reproduce this with my metamour. The condition for us living together was that I should be as flexible as she is (who says yes to everything). And that if she wanted to live with him again in 2 years, 5 years, 10 years, I should be able to accept it.
He also wanted the relationship to be truly 50/50. For example, 1/2 for family celebrations.
I've decided to break up with him but I'm pretty confused. The idea of living together on the condition that the other person can come back at any time seems very insecure to me. Similarly, as I myself am not poly in this way, I'm wondering whether it's possible to adapt (yet) and be fulfilled if the other person has "two main people".
Am I doing the right thing by extracting myself from this situation, or should I be more understanding of his mistakes, because he's had to learn? Does my frustration stem from the fact that I was "the second" or from the fact that I'm not poly? Am I basically mono, or do I need to learn? If I am mono, is it possible to continue this relationship without getting frustrated?
I am sorry for my english, I don't speak it very well...
Thank you very much!
I am a little bit lost and I would need some advice.
Two years ago, I started dating a guy (I am female) who was already involved in a 8-years relationship with his girlfriend, with whom he shared a house. I had already an experience in open relationship, and all my friend are in similar relationship so I wanted to try out (despite my short-term comfort for mono relationships).
But the beginning of my relationship with this guy (T) was difficult. I was not in love with the guy (T), he was very shortly and deeply with me. When I started to fall in love with him, I realised that he was putting me in the place of the unicorn. He wanted to form a trouple with me and his other girlfriend and was very insistent. The other girlfriend was also in love with me at one point. But I was always sure I didn't want that and I expressed my limits. I also asked if it was possible for them to be in a non-hierarchical poly relationship. I didn't want to come second. My condition was that anything the first girlfriend could have, I could also have at some point. For example, being invited to family parties and sharing a house. If the answer had been no, I would have stopped at that point. But the answer was yes, after talking to the other girlfriend.
Two years went by, during which I regularly felt I had less decision-making power than the other girlfriend. Many of the 'steps' in our relationship had to be validated by her first. She always agreed to everything I asked (and we had become friends). She also agreed that one day I could live with T. When I tried to talk to T about my impression of being second best, he said I was wrong and that he loved us both equally.
During the two years, I crushed on a transgender guy, and saw him for 3 months. At the beginning, T was very jealous and the he learned quickly comparsion. I couldn't manage two relationships at once and dumped the other guy. I realised that I didn't want to date 2 people at the same time. I'm fine with an open relationship for picking up people and kissing people, but that's where it ends (at least at the beginning of my main relationship).
He do not like very much the poly situation, he adapts because it is the pragmatic fact (he has 2 girlfriends he loves deeply). He agreed not to open up his feelings to a third person, or a second person if it ended with his other girlfriend. I asked him to do this because I don't want to deal with my jealousy. On the other hand, sexually he does what he wants and that's fine with me.
It took T a year and a half to tell his father about me (I even lied to the father once, which was clearly my limits and after that T spoke to his father). I've never been invited to a family party in two years (only 3 family dinners). As his relationship with his other girlfriend has been going badly for the last two years, T suggested last week that I think about the hierarchical relationship (he was reluctant to stop with her). I realised that I really wanted to. But he thought about it and finally decided to stay with my metamour, because he loves her and wants to be there for her because she is depressed. By this time, she had expressed doubts about her relationship with him and had chosen to leave the house where they lived together.
I asked what I thought was possible and logical from the very beginning of this relationship. I asked for us to live together, not immediately but in a year's time (which he accepted) and to be the guest at family celebrations. I wanted to reverse the trend and be in the other girlfriend's shoes. But T told me that it was hierarchy. That for the last 2 years, I was right, the relationship had been hierarchical to my detriment (he apologised for this) but that he didn't want to reproduce this with my metamour. The condition for us living together was that I should be as flexible as she is (who says yes to everything). And that if she wanted to live with him again in 2 years, 5 years, 10 years, I should be able to accept it.
He also wanted the relationship to be truly 50/50. For example, 1/2 for family celebrations.
I've decided to break up with him but I'm pretty confused. The idea of living together on the condition that the other person can come back at any time seems very insecure to me. Similarly, as I myself am not poly in this way, I'm wondering whether it's possible to adapt (yet) and be fulfilled if the other person has "two main people".
Am I doing the right thing by extracting myself from this situation, or should I be more understanding of his mistakes, because he's had to learn? Does my frustration stem from the fact that I was "the second" or from the fact that I'm not poly? Am I basically mono, or do I need to learn? If I am mono, is it possible to continue this relationship without getting frustrated?
I am sorry for my english, I don't speak it very well...
Thank you very much!
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