Poly mind, Mono heart?

WestCoastRedhead

WestCoastRedhead

Active member
Hello all!

Long time lurker, first time poster.

I have been in various ENM situations (including an opened marriage with five of us in a polycule) off and on since 2015. What the title of my thread is referring to is the idea of me wondering - If I feel I can be truly poly (in love with more than one person), but my heart hasn't yet or may not be capable of it? I have been in situations that would be called poly, with all the other members, but I am still questioning myself about my own capability of loving more than one person romantically. My current situation is that I am on the far end of a five-member polycule, and my partner is clearly in love with both me and my metamour. We are all pretty happy and get along well. As they all live a distance from me, I decided I'd like to see if I can find a romantic relationship in my own city. I have been trying, and there have been some great men that I've met and spent time with. So far though, my heart is not feeling stirred the way it is with my love who lives further away.

So this is where I am wondering - can I love another as well, or is it my mind that wants to be poly, while my heart does not?

Thoughts?

Thanks
U.
 
This is hard to answer, because dating is always hit or miss. How long have you been trying? Many people take years to find a match, and I think the older we get the more discerning we get in many ways. I don't mean "I know what I want" or "I won't settle", but maybe to some degree both. Think about the times we fall in love when young, but it actually wasn't a great match. As we get older, we tend to be a bit more careful with that. The upside is that when we DO fall in love it tends to be stronger. The downside is that it could take a bit longer.

My wife has dated off and on for 5 years, and fell in love with one other man (for a few months, and it didn't work out). She's probably dated a dozen or more other people that never came close to that level. I fell in love with the third person I dated, but honestly it was a bit of a lottery thing. Just happened to get very lucky.

So, maybe? But I think it's just as likely that you haven't yet found that special person yet (i.e. a second such person).
 
It's true that's I've not been looking too long - since March? And it took six months to meet my current love. So yeah, I'm okay with it taking a while. I guess I just wondered if my many years of monogamy has trained me to believe that once I'm in love with one person, I can do fun/sexy/romantic things with others, but may not "let" myself fall for them. Who knows?
 
Interesting thought. I'd say that openness to love is a mindset and the mind can be retrained. If you want to be open to love, you can be.

My current gf and I have never been in love with more than one person at a time, but now we both are. Before that, we were ENM, but didn't know we were poly. As I noted above, my wife knew she was, but I didn't know I was. All three of us were monogamous at one point in our lives.

I'd say, you probably just haven't found the right person yet, which isn't surprising given how long you've been looking. Having fun with people is easier than being in love, as you know. I wish you luck in discovering it soon :)
 
Sometimes it takes years to find a person you really love. You've only been out there looking in your area for half a year, tops? Give it time.

I find that it helps to not jump into bed on a first date. Being in lust with someone can be fun and feel almost like love, but real love takes a while to develop. You have to go through some life challenges with a person to find out if they're a real friend or lover for keeps, someone that you can trust, to whom you want to commit for a long time, and not just play with for a season.
 
Magdlyn said:
Sometimes it takes years to find a person you really love. You've only been out there looking in your area for half a year, tops? Give it time.

I find that it helps to not jump into bed on a first date. Being in lust with someone can be fun and feel almost like love, but real love takes a while to develop. You have to go through some life challenges with a person to find out if they're a real friend or lover for keeps, someone that you can trust, to whom you want to commit for a long time, and not just play with for a season.
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Agreed. Though I don't jump into bed on a first date, even when I was completely single/monogamous. Just not my thing. I tend to move fairly slow, to take the time to get to know the other person, start to build attraction and trust. I'm rarely attracted enough on the first date to even kiss the person. It can happen, but not often. My current partner, because he lives away from here - we messaged/video chatted online for a month before we got to meet in person - gave us lots of time to learn a lot and build attraction and even some trust.
 
Hello WestCoastRedhead,

It is really hard to say whether you have a mono heart, it is too soon to tell. Mind you, there's nothing wrong with having a mono heart. Monogamy is perfectly okay -- as long as it isn't adhered to as a result of social conditioning. The conditioned propensity for monogamy is really hard to undo. It may take you quite a while to *feel* polyamorous. In the meantime, just know that you have a right to feel as you feel, and to do as you do. It's not wrong to try poly on for size, and it's not wrong if you decide it's not a good fit for you. And the timetable is really up to you.

You may have a mono/poly situation where you are mono, and your partner is poly. That is a thing, and quite a few people have made it work. It just takes lots of communication, and mutual compromise. For the moment, I would say you should keep on "testing the poly waters," unless/until you feel uncomfortable about continuing to do that. I, personally, from where I'm sitting, think it is perhaps too soon to determine whether you are mono at heart. More testing is needed -- I think. If I'm off-base in saying that, you can disregard some or all of this post. In any case, I hope you can figure out what's right for you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello WestCoastRedhead,

It is really hard to say whether you have a mono heart, it is too soon to tell. Mind you, there's nothing wrong with having a mono heart. Monogamy is perfectly okay -- as long as it isn't adhered to as a result of social conditioning. The conditioned propensity for monogamy is really hard to undo. It may take you quite a while to *feel* polyamorous. In the meantime, just know that you have a right to feel as you feel, and to do as you do. It's not wrong to try poly on for size, and it's not wrong if you decide it's not a good fit for you. And the timetable is really up to you.

You may have a mono/poly situation where you are mono, and your partner is poly. That is a thing, and quite a few people have made it work. It just takes lots of communication, and mutual compromise. For the moment, I would say you should keep on "testing the poly waters," unless/until you feel uncomfortable about continuing to do that. I, personally, from where I'm sitting, think it is perhaps too soon to determine whether you are mono at heart. More testing is needed -- I think. If I'm off-base in saying that, you can disregard some or all of this post. In any case, I hope you can figure out what's right for you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Yes, I think you are right - it likely *is* too soon, though I've been looking on and off for a second relationship since 2017, when already in a relationship, so far, none have clicked just right. The closest I had was when I opened my marriage, and had both a husband and a boyfriend. But there I loved my husband (we'd been together 15 years, with two kids), but was *in love* with my boyfriend. So this is the place that I'm wondering if I can do - be *in love* with two people. I can love many, but being *in* love? Hm, still to be determined...

Thanks :)
 
WestCoastRedhead said:
It likely *is* too soon, though I've been looking on and off for a second relationship since 2017, when already in a relationship, so far, none have clicked just right. The closest I had was when I opened my marriage, and had both a husband and a boyfriend. But there I loved my husband (we'd been together 15 years, with two kids), but was *in love* with my boyfriend. So this is the place that I'm wondering if I can do - be *in love* with two people. I can love many, but being *in* love? Hm, still to be determined...

Thanks :)
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It depends on how you are defining "love" and "in love." Being "in love" generally refers to the beginning of a relationship, where you were with your new boyfriend. You were probably "in love" with your husband at the beginning of the 15 years together, right? This is what is called New Relationship Energy, or NRE, aka infatuation: a hormonal state of idealized romanticism and lust. It generally fades after 6 months to 2 years, when it changes to either disinterest and a breakup, or more mellow but actually deeper feelings of intimacy and trust and commitment along with less anxiety about how you are valued. Sometimes the sex in a longer relationship becomes somewhat less infrequent, but if you are really well matched, the quality gets better.
 
Magdlyn said:
It depends on how you are defining "love" and "in love." Being "in love" generally refers to the beginning of a relationship, where you were with your new boyfriend. You were probably "in love" with your husband at the beginning of the 15 years together, right? This is what is called New Relationship Energy, or NRE, aka infatuation: a hormonal state of idealized romanticism and lust. It generally fades after 6 months to 2 years, when it changes to either disinterest and a breakup, or more mellow but actually deeper feelings of intimacy and trust and commitment along with less anxiety about how you are valued. Sometimes the sex in a longer relationship becomes somewhat less infrequent, but if you are really well matched, the quality gets better.
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Hm, yes, I get what you mean, but no, I don't define "love" and being "in love" the way you do. I love people in a non-romantic way (friends, family, etc), but if I love them romantically, it mostly is being "in love". I don't feel differently once that NRE is gone. I think the love I had for my husband was starting to fade as romantic love about two years before we opened our marriage - I felt restless, and like it was enough anymore, I wanted more. And once I met the man I opened my marriage for, I realized that that was what I had been needing - more than my husband could give me.
 
I'm in my second marriage, and I know what you mean (now that you've explained it). My first marriage was faded that way.

However, I'd definitely say I'm 'in love' right now with my wife and girlfriend. I didn't know I could be until I was. It's probably the same for you, too. You might not know for sure until it happens. I think a lot has to do with openness though. If you WANT to have that, you can. I guess you might still wonder whether you truly want it. I'm not sure anyone can answer that for you.
 
Openbook23 said:
I'm in my second marriage, and I know what you mean (now that you've explained it). My first marriage was faded that way.

However, I'd definitely say I'm 'in love' right now with my wife and girlfriend. I didn't know I could be until I was. It's probably the same for you, too. You might not know for sure until it happens. I think a lot has to do with openness though. If you WANT to have that, you can. I guess you might still wonder whether you truly want it. I'm not sure anyone can answer that for you.
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It's so interesting and impish timing that you say all of this - I was thinking about this just this afternoon. I think you are right - I *am* still wondering if I truly want/need a second romantic relationship. My current partner, living on the mainland, and me on Vancouver Island - I recall thinking that if he lived in my city, I likely wouldn't be actively looking for another relationship here in my town. I might be open to one if the right person came along, but wouldn't seek one out. I also am thinking that I started searching because *he* has a second relationship (one that was around for many years before I came along), so why shouldn't I have a second one? So yeah... maybe not the best reasons. Really, I suspect at this point I could just be wanting companionship to go out and do things, and I can cultivate friendships and activity buddies for that. I am certainly not feeling lacking in sexual intimacy, romance and cuddling (and kinky fun), as I get lots of that when I do see my partner.

Things for me to ponder. I definitely don't want to force things at this point, if it maybe not what I really want....
 
WestCoastRedhead said:
Hm, yes, I get what you mean, but no, I don't define "love" and being "in love" the way you do. I love people in a non-romantic way (friends, family, etc), but if I love them romantically, it mostly is being "in love". I don't feel differently once that NRE is gone. I think the love I had for my husband was starting to fade as romantic love about two years before we opened our marriage - I felt restless, and like it was enough anymore, I wanted more. And once I met the man I opened my marriage for, I realized that that was what I had been needing - more than my husband could give me.
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Oh, I see. You'd fallen out of love with your husband after 15 years, and ended up loving him more as a good friend or brother. So you ended up breaking up with your husband? And the man for whom you opened your marriage is your current bf?

Well, I hope you find what you're looking for. It's perfectly possible for a person to be "in love" with 2 long term partners. I am definitely still in love with my partner of 14 years, and also in love with my bf of almost 2 years, even as we move out of NRE and into ERI, what I call established relationship intimacy.
 
Magdlyn said:
Oh, I see. You'd fallen out of love with your husband after 15 years, and ended up loving him more as a good friend or brother. So you ended up breaking up with your husband? And the man for whom you opened your marriage is your current bf?

Well, I hope you find what you're looking for. It's perfectly possible for a person to be "in love" with 2 long term partners. I am definitely still in love with my partner of 14 years, and also in love with my bf of almost 2 years, even as we move out of NRE and into ERI, what I call established relationship intimacy.
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You could be right - I likely had shifted my version of love for my husband, around 2014, a year before I knew about poly/ENM. I don't think I loved him as a friend or brother, otherwise I wouldn't have continued to have sexual intimacy with him. it was just a different sort of romantic love - not something easily definable. The man I opened my marriage for, and was in love with - no, that relationship ended a couple of months after my marriage, in late 2016. He was a mistake, but the experience and the situation were not, as it brought me into the work of ENM, and taught me a heck of a lot about relationships, communication, and myself. My current partner and I have been together for six months.
 
Thanks for more information. So, back to your original question. Yes, you can deeply "be in love" with two at once. But some people do not fall in love easily. So you may experience is eventually, or you may not. I can't tell from here!
 
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