First poly date- how do I proceed?

T

Toast

New member
I am straight and have been monogamous all my life. Few months ago I matched with a guy on an app and liked him. He clearly told me he was poly before we met and that he already has a partner and has had multiple partners before. I wasn’t looking for commitment at that time and I agreed.

Here i am 6 months later. In past 6 or so months I have met him 6-7 times. He travels a lot and due to our busy schedules and we just meet once a month and have a great time. He rarely talks about his other partner(s?) . I have concluded that he has 2 others, both of whom he has been with for at-least 2-3 years.

I just am a very emotional person in general and would want to date someone who i have more frequent contact with. We do talk a little bit here and there (like commenting on stories) but it seems a little unfulfilling to me as my love language is quality time.

Dont get me wrong, i am okay with being a secondary or tertiary partner. I have my own social circle and work that keeps me busy but even when i am casually dating someone i would at-least text the other person maybe once a day.

My question is that am I expecting too much here and maybe try to be in a monogamous relationship only ? If no then how do I communicate these needs. I don’t want to text someone and then realise that they were with other partner and cause awkward situations.
 
I wouldn't rule out poly JUST because you feel like this in this particular relationship. You could be in a poly relationship where you did have those needs met.

Your last issue can be solved by being in a relationship where transparency about dates and schedules is more of a default so you can avoid contact when you know they're busy.
 
Toast said:
I am straight and have been monogamous all my life. A few months ago I matched with a guy on an app and liked him. He clearly told me he was poly before we met and that he already has a partner and has had multiple partners before. I wasn’t looking for commitment at that time and I agreed.
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Maybe you are confusing polyamory with a casual uncommitted relationship. You can see he has commitment to his other partners, having been with them for several years.

Polyamorists are looking for love with multiple people. Love does not indicate casualness, quite the contrary. Usually it denotes loyalty and commitment.
Toast said:
Here I am 6 months later. In past 6 or so months I have met him 6-7 times. He travels a lot and due to our busy schedules and we just meet once a month and have a great time.
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He sounds like he might be too busy for you. After all, a mono partner could also be too busy with doing things in their life to date someone often.

Many polyamorists have much more time to spend with their partners. However, it's possible to get poly-saturated, and not really have enough time for all the people you'd like to date. I spend a lot of time with my 2 partners and don't really have the time or energy for more. There is one guy that is wooing me now, and I figure if I do start seeing him it will be more like a once a month thing. I live with one of my partners and spend every weekend with the other. He lives in my town; we're only a 10 minute drive apart. The new guy lives an hour away, so it's not super convenient.
Toast said:
He rarely talks about his other partner(s?) . I have concluded that he has 2 others, both of whom he has been with for at-least 2-3 years.
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He sounds like a good hinge. Most poly people try not to overshare between partners. They allow each relationship the privacy it deserves.
Toast said:
I just am a very emotional person in general and would want to date someone who i have more frequent contact with. We do talk a little bit here and there (like commenting on stories) but it seems a little unfulfilling to me as my love language is quality time.

Dont get me wrong, i am okay with being a secondary or tertiary partner. I have my own social circle and work that keeps me busy but even when i am casually dating someone i would at-least text the other person maybe once a day.

My question is: am I expecting too much here? Maybe I should try to be in a monogamous relationship only?
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Or you could date another poly person who has more free time. Maybe they are poly but not currently seeing anyone else. Or maybe they only have one other partner, not two, like your guy.
Toast said:
If no, then how do I communicate these needs?
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You mean, how do you tell bf you want to see him more often? Just ask. If he can't, he will tell you.
Toast said:
I don’t want to text someone and then realise that they were with other partner and cause awkward situations.
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That shouldn't be a problem. Both my partners text me from their other partner's houses, in a lull. I also text them. If they are on some kind of a special date, out to dinner or another activity, of course I don't expect a reply right away.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
I wouldn't rule out poly JUST because you feel like this in this particular relationship. You could be in a poly relationship where you did have those needs met.
Your last issue can be solved by being in a relationship where transparency about dates and schedules is more of a default so you can avoid contact when you know they're busy.
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I really like this guy so how do I bring this up? In the past I usually just out right say something like ‘I am just someone who likes more frequent communication’. Sometimes in the past i would myself increase the communication by sending texts or photos by myself or just calling them randomly.

Since this is my first time navigating a poly relationship I am not comfortable doing the above things as I don’t want to come across as disrespectful to his other partners.
 
Toast said:
I really like this guy so how do I bring this up? In the past I usually just out right say something like ‘I am just someone who likes more frequent communication’. Sometimes in the past i would myself increase the communication by sending texts or photos by myself or just calling them randomly.

Since this is my first time navigating a poly relationship I am not comfortable doing the above things as I don’t want to come across as disrespectful to his other partners.
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You have to take the risk of rejection and talk about what you need. Poly people also have "the talk".

There is a bit of a difference here between mono and poly relationships. In the past, when you said to a mono partner that you prefer more contact, it's because you know that the idea was basically seeing if you have life partner compatibility and there is an expectation that the person you continue to date will keep meeting that criteria or you break up. It's kind of the point of dating.

That's not the case with a poly relationship. If someone doesn't meet your "life partner" criteria due to their restrictions and needs, do you still date them? Often you already know this person has a life partner and/or you have enough of those yourself so the idea of seeing if they meet that criteria becomes moot.

On the face of it, poly allows you to have significant relationships with people who are not life partners. So theoretically, you should be more or less open to all the types of relationships you could have because you can other (perhaps more fulfilling) relationships with other people. But the heart isn't that simple.

Sometimes, you want "more" with someone who doesn't want "more" with you and staying in a more casual relationship with them is too painful.

Sometimes, you want a relationship that offers "more" and the ones you have are getting in the way of you finding that.

And then there's just the thing that we need everyone in our intimate lives to meet a basic criteria, regardless of whether they are life partners or not, because it hurts too much when they don't.

To work out what this guy might be for you, you need to work out what you need from any partner and whether he can meet that criteria. And you can only do that by speaking to him about it.

It's absolutely true that this conversation could lead to an understanding that this relationship isn't working for you. So sometimes it's best just to enjoy what it is and not try and influence how it evolves with such conversations. It depends what hurts more.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
Do you find it disrespectful if he receives a text from them when you're together?
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No I do not. However i am not sure what else I can and cannot do.
For example last week he caught a bug and took a sick day. I usually at this point would send a soup or something to someone i am dating or even friends with (cz thats just who i am). However I wasn’t sure if it was my place to do that. He doesnt live with any of his partner still I wasn’t sure.
 
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SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
And then there's just the thing that we need everyone in our intimate lives to meet a basic criteria, regardless of whether they are life partners or not, because it hurts too much when they don't.
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I think its this that matters to me. I am generally a person who likes to be in frequent contact with people i am close with, whether it’s someone i am dating or friends or family. I usually end up checking on them and updating them about my life atleast 3-4 times a week, if not daily.
 
Magdlyn said:
That shouldn't be a problem. Both my partners text me from their other partner's houses, in a lull. I also text them. If they are on some kind of a special date, out to dinner or another activity, of course I don't expect a reply right away.
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I guess that makes sense and something i am probably just overthinking.
 
Toast said:
No I do not. However i am not sure what else I can and cannot do.
For example last week he caught a bug and took a sick day. I usually at this point would send a soup or something to someone i am dating or even friends with (cz thats just who i am). However I wasn’t sure if it was my place to do that. He doesnt live with any of his partner still I wasn’t sure.
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Some of this you get to decide for yourself. I don't mean you just trample people's boundaries, but you get to be the type of person who sends soup. That's a good quality to have. If people close to you don't want soup (or that kind of care), they can speak up.

My soup sending partners would just send a big batch so nesting partners can have some, too. That will give my nesting partners more time to gather around my sickbed and do all my other bidding.
 
I think you should try to talk to him about all of these things you have mentioned here.
 
Hello Toast,

You really should proceed with your first poly date in the same way that you would proceed with a mono date. On the other hand, if this poly fellow isn't giving you the quality time that you need, then you should inform him of this need that you have, and if he is unable or unwilling to meet that need, then you should look for a monogamous guy to be with.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
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