Disabled Folks

[psychomia]

just want to say hi... I have fibromylgia, chronic gut problems and aspergers (woohoo!).

I'm used to people getting impatient with and critical of me because I can't do what I seem capable of. I suffered a lot of abuse and emotional neglect in my 2 marriages.

then, just the other day, my lover caught me wincing because it was a pretty bad day for pain. he freaked out a little that I was in pain, then I reminded him it's just the pain I'm in all the time but worse and he made such a sympathy face that I almost cried because it's so rare for people to feel compassion.

 

[StudentofLife]

Old thread, new question

I'm curious if anyone here has turned to polyamory as a way to cope with the end of a physical relationship between partners due to the chronic illness of one of the people. I'm wondering how it might have worked out, if so?

I'm specifically talking about a couple who have already agreed that polyamory is in theory acceptable to both parties but have never had an actual poly relationship, who want to stay together despite things having changed from a romantic/ sexual relationship to a platonic, best friends, caregiver/patient type.

I understand everyone's experience will be different, but I'd love to hear any real life stories or advice from those who have been in this difficult position.

 

[Alluvion]

Did you ever get an answer to your question, StudentofLife? I’m betting you’re no longer around, but I’m sending good thoughts to you if you do ever read this.

I’m bumping this thread because I was just about to start a new thread about navigating polyamory when you have a disability but didn’t want to clutter up the boards if someone else had already thought to discuss this. And it turns out you had.

I have not had the spoons to even think about dating anyone these past few years. My neurological symptoms and horrible “headaches” were diagnosed as migraines about 18 months ago. It was a relief to finally get an answer and try to figure out as many of my triggers as possible. Some of them I can avoid. Others I cannot. When combined with the mental health stuff I have going on, I don’t currently have the emotional energy to date.

But I am curious to know how it works for those of you who do (or did?) have the energy for such things.

Do you all also take long breaks from seeking new partners?

Do you mention your diagnosis or diagnoses in your dating profiles? On the first date? Something else?

How do you balance your health stuff with everything else going on your lives that needs attention (romantic relationships, of course, but also work, friends, family, hobbies, volunteering, caregiving, the usual chores/home maintenance/grocery shopping that most adults do, etc)?

 

[Magdlyn]

I’m bumping this thread because I was just about to start a new thread about navigating polyamory when you have a disability but didn’t want to clutter up the boards if someone else had already thought to discuss this. And it turns out you had.

I have not had the spoons to even think about dating anyone these past few years. My neurological symptoms and horrible “headaches” were diagnosed as migraines about 18 months ago. It was a relief to finally get an answer and try to figure out as many of my triggers as possible. Some of them I can avoid. Others I cannot. When combined with the mental health stuff I have going on, I don’t currently have the emotional energy to date.

But I am curious to know how it works for those of you who do (or did?) have the energy for such things.

Do you all also take long breaks from seeking new partners?

Do you mention your diagnosis or diagnoses in your dating profiles? On the first date? Something else?

How do you balance your health stuff with everything else going on your lives that needs attention (romantic relationships, of course, but also work, friends, family, hobbies, volunteering, caregiving, the usual chores/home maintenance/grocery shopping that most adults do, etc)?

My partner Pixi and I are both disabled. She has arm and shoulder issues and anomalies. She also has anxiety (takes anti-depressants) and probably ADHD (not officially diagnosed as yet.) She is 45 years old and her arm and shoulder pain are getting worse.

I am 68 on Sunday. I have bursitis and arthritis in my left shoulder which causes pain all down my arm, into my trapezius and ultimately gives me migraines. I have to be very careful how I use my arm.

We both take painkillers, including tramadol, and go to physical therapy. But it only does so much.

Neither of us limit our times with our long term partners a lot because of our pain. I might take an extra day of rest here and there if I really overdo it and the headache is just too much. But neither of us has the spoons to seek another partner. (If that's not clear, we both have 2 partners, each other and a boyfriend each as well.)

I've never mentioned my health problems on a dating profile. I will discuss it naturally in the course of the first few online/text convos or irl dates.

I recently heard a statistic that fully 1/3 of US citizens consider themselves disabled, so there's lot of us out there. The older you get the worse it gets. Even my bf, who is younger than my gf, in the prime of his life, has had back issues on and off that required PT for a period of time.

Sometimes my pain or exhaustion in the aftermath of a migraine can be bad enough that I will Instacart groceries instead of going out. I no longer do volunteer work (except for answering questions on this board). My floors could be cleaner, for sure. I try to keep up with the clutter and the dishes, and keep clean sheets and towels on the bed and in the bathrooms. I am semi-retired. I work from home but I can't as much these days because too much time on the computer messes up my shoulder.

As far as seeing friends and family, I do not throw the big dinner parties that I used to love giving as much anymore. I pretty much limit the big party to a November Friendsgiving, and keep Yule/Xmas small. New Years we pretty much ignore. I will go to a concert or out to dinner with friends or my son sometimes. I do love that. And I can trail walk with my partners or others. My legs work fine.

ETA, I am almost always up for lots of great vigorous sex lol. Thank god that is not affected.

 

[kdt26417]

I am on disability, but I don't like to talk about it much as it is mostly an emotional problem, and as such falls into the gray area between what counts as a legitimate disability and what doesn't. It hasn't stopped me from taking on a second partner, but that is a long-distance relationship and as such isn't very involved. Of course I still have my relationship with Snowbunny, which has steered away from being sexual but I don't know if that's just because we're getting older. Both of my partners -- and Brother-Husband -- are very understanding about my limitations.