mountaingirl
Active member
I wanted to put these thoughts somewhere, and I'm welcoming advice/thoughts so I figured it would be better suited for the relationships corner.
For anyone who doesn't know my story, I live with 2 partners. My husband, Joe and I have been married for 4 years. Pea and I have been dating for almost 3, but I would say we're coming up on 2 years of being really committed to each other (complicated to explain a timeline, as we were friends before we dated and this was the first poly experience for all of us, so lots of starts and stops at the beginning of me and Pea's relationship). My entire (immediate) family knows about Joe and Pea. My parents knew Pea before we started dating, everyones met, and I have hung out a couple times with just Pea and my parents. My dad has come around to it, my mom is just confused i think. I think we've moved past the point where my relationship with Pea was hyper sexualized by my family/everyone was 'worried' about Joe being coerced. But idk what they say behind my back.
Both of these people are VERY important to me (obviously). Due to some family stuff growing up, I had a very short and stressful childhood, and I'm still kinda dealing with that. I am the youngest of 3 daughters, and I've consistently been pressured by my mother to have kids (as that's where my sisters are at in their lives currently). I find it uncomfortable to be around my parents because of things they have done and said in the past that I'm not completely over. I am consistently treated with little consideration, mostly because I have made myself the easygoing child + I have a history of taking care of my parents' physical and emotional needs from a very young age (they literally devolve and act like children around me, call me with problems, etc). Just giving this background to make it clear that I am not 100% comfortable around them and I really feel like the entire family dynamic my parents are trying to portray is a farce. My sisters have urged me to forgive my parents but just tolerating them is as far as I can go right now. Again, working on it.
My parents recently came into some $$ and my grandma died this past year, plus my sister is in her career + just had a new baby, so everyone decided it would be a good idea to get together for a family vacation. Mom has already started in with the weird guilt tripping: "your nephews don't even remember you" (not true) "when are you moving back home" (what so I can be a junior scientist after getting my PhD?) etc. etc. etc. They (my parents + sisters) decided where we'll be staying and it's out of my budget. Go figure, I'm the only one who is still in school. I also have to fly there (I live further away) and everyone else is driving. I am still digressing sorry I'll get to the poly point...
I want both Joe and Pea to be there. My family has been so fucked up and ass backwards my entire life, that I feel absolutely no desire to 'respect' the super nuclear functional big happy family vibe that my parents are stepping into (just because your children decide to have children and you become a good grandparent doesn't mean you were a good PARENT), and it has translated to not really giving a shit about how my siblings would feel if i invited both Joe and Pea/staying pseudo in the closet to make others feel comfy. I find that people get a little weird with comparing their own mono relationships when I bring both of them around. They're my family and accepting but idk how they would feel (I would obviously talk them about it beforehand, just wondering if this is the hill i want to die on). The invitation has clearly only been extended to Joe though (no mention from anyone in my family about Pea). There is enough space for Pea in this house, and Joe thought it was a good idea initially, but has since questioned whether I should be rocking the boat. Pea is down and said it sounds fun, but can't commit fully at the moment. It turns out I will already be paying just as much as my sisters (one of whom is bringing my 3 nephews with her and both of whom are in well paying careers) to sleep in a room with 2 queen sized bunk beds with my nephews. I am actually looking forward to this
My nephews are all boys, and they absolutely love Joe and Pea. When I visit home I always get asked where they are if they're not with me, and even if me and Joe go to a family thing, they ask where Pea is. I just figure if I have to pay so much just to split a room with 2-7 year olds then I might as well bring both my besties--because that's what the vibe will be. Me Joe and P are very platonic when it's all three of us around each other. We don't do group sex, but I could definitely see my mom making some weird comments about it (she is still convinced that shit happens lmao and I think my dad is too but he's accepting of it).
Basically, for all intents and purposes, these two are my family. They have done A LOT more for me than my own parents ever did. They know everyone in my family, have known everyone for almost 5 years now. I'm not scared of what anyone thinks; it won't break me, but I also want to pick my battles wisely. It feels like if Pea isn't there it's not sincere, idk. Just seems like this is my life and if the vibe is big happy family then, the more the merrier???
As a side note, I'm already pretty shunned by Pea's family. They recently came to visit him for a week and stayed 30 min away, never coming to the house. This behavior has been consistent ever since he told them we're together. So that also probably goes into why this is super important to me, but i don't want to come on too strong with my family and ruin the only one of our three families that is kind of accepting of the situation.
open to advice! or nuggets of wisdom!
For anyone who doesn't know my story, I live with 2 partners. My husband, Joe and I have been married for 4 years. Pea and I have been dating for almost 3, but I would say we're coming up on 2 years of being really committed to each other (complicated to explain a timeline, as we were friends before we dated and this was the first poly experience for all of us, so lots of starts and stops at the beginning of me and Pea's relationship). My entire (immediate) family knows about Joe and Pea. My parents knew Pea before we started dating, everyones met, and I have hung out a couple times with just Pea and my parents. My dad has come around to it, my mom is just confused i think. I think we've moved past the point where my relationship with Pea was hyper sexualized by my family/everyone was 'worried' about Joe being coerced. But idk what they say behind my back.
Both of these people are VERY important to me (obviously). Due to some family stuff growing up, I had a very short and stressful childhood, and I'm still kinda dealing with that. I am the youngest of 3 daughters, and I've consistently been pressured by my mother to have kids (as that's where my sisters are at in their lives currently). I find it uncomfortable to be around my parents because of things they have done and said in the past that I'm not completely over. I am consistently treated with little consideration, mostly because I have made myself the easygoing child + I have a history of taking care of my parents' physical and emotional needs from a very young age (they literally devolve and act like children around me, call me with problems, etc). Just giving this background to make it clear that I am not 100% comfortable around them and I really feel like the entire family dynamic my parents are trying to portray is a farce. My sisters have urged me to forgive my parents but just tolerating them is as far as I can go right now. Again, working on it.
My parents recently came into some $$ and my grandma died this past year, plus my sister is in her career + just had a new baby, so everyone decided it would be a good idea to get together for a family vacation. Mom has already started in with the weird guilt tripping: "your nephews don't even remember you" (not true) "when are you moving back home" (what so I can be a junior scientist after getting my PhD?) etc. etc. etc. They (my parents + sisters) decided where we'll be staying and it's out of my budget. Go figure, I'm the only one who is still in school. I also have to fly there (I live further away) and everyone else is driving. I am still digressing sorry I'll get to the poly point...
I want both Joe and Pea to be there. My family has been so fucked up and ass backwards my entire life, that I feel absolutely no desire to 'respect' the super nuclear functional big happy family vibe that my parents are stepping into (just because your children decide to have children and you become a good grandparent doesn't mean you were a good PARENT), and it has translated to not really giving a shit about how my siblings would feel if i invited both Joe and Pea/staying pseudo in the closet to make others feel comfy. I find that people get a little weird with comparing their own mono relationships when I bring both of them around. They're my family and accepting but idk how they would feel (I would obviously talk them about it beforehand, just wondering if this is the hill i want to die on). The invitation has clearly only been extended to Joe though (no mention from anyone in my family about Pea). There is enough space for Pea in this house, and Joe thought it was a good idea initially, but has since questioned whether I should be rocking the boat. Pea is down and said it sounds fun, but can't commit fully at the moment. It turns out I will already be paying just as much as my sisters (one of whom is bringing my 3 nephews with her and both of whom are in well paying careers) to sleep in a room with 2 queen sized bunk beds with my nephews. I am actually looking forward to this
My nephews are all boys, and they absolutely love Joe and Pea. When I visit home I always get asked where they are if they're not with me, and even if me and Joe go to a family thing, they ask where Pea is. I just figure if I have to pay so much just to split a room with 2-7 year olds then I might as well bring both my besties--because that's what the vibe will be. Me Joe and P are very platonic when it's all three of us around each other. We don't do group sex, but I could definitely see my mom making some weird comments about it (she is still convinced that shit happens lmao and I think my dad is too but he's accepting of it).Basically, for all intents and purposes, these two are my family. They have done A LOT more for me than my own parents ever did. They know everyone in my family, have known everyone for almost 5 years now. I'm not scared of what anyone thinks; it won't break me, but I also want to pick my battles wisely. It feels like if Pea isn't there it's not sincere, idk. Just seems like this is my life and if the vibe is big happy family then, the more the merrier???
As a side note, I'm already pretty shunned by Pea's family. They recently came to visit him for a week and stayed 30 min away, never coming to the house. This behavior has been consistent ever since he told them we're together. So that also probably goes into why this is super important to me, but i don't want to come on too strong with my family and ruin the only one of our three families that is kind of accepting of the situation.
open to advice! or nuggets of wisdom!
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there isn't really a way around it if she feels that way, except to maybe just talk with my sister and see if that's actually how SHE feels about HER kids being around the three of us. and if that's the case then yeah, I probably just won't go, and they can all know that they had a part in making the decision for me not to be there. right now it seems just like my siblings dont give af and my parents are making a bigger deal than necessary, but who knows.
and we had all been talking about a trip to hawaii before my parents suggested this. We have no shortage of vacation ideas for the three of us lol great plan