New Partner, new challenges

[justmyelf]

Bit of background: I am a heterosexual man in my 40s, have had a nesting/long-term/almost married (in my mind we are married) partner for the last 20 years. We have a son together and have shared most of our adult life.

More or less, by the time we had our son our sex life had basically stopped, following from some years of lack of communication, resentments, guilt, a whole lot of not-positive feelings.

Until we reached that point of no return, where something clicked (at least in me) and slowly things started to change (I must say basically due to very open communication and sharing of thoughts before left untold). Some years later we are now in a completely different life. We've found again each other, both from an emotional and sexual point of view. We opened our couple. We have have some flings/new relations, and we enjoy each other's happiness. Instead of feeding our relations with negative feelings, in a downward spiral, we use positive feelings to feed a positive spiral. Of course it was not always easy or joyful. We've had difficulties but we did manage to overcome them.

So atm our situation is more or less like this:

My partner (let's call her Just Her "JH") has 2 partners, more or less in established relationships, P and C, for say one year or maybe more. I have a girlfriend N, started to meet her recently, say 2/3 months now. N has 2 other partners, Her and Him.

We talk to each other (and to our respective partners as well, if is the case) about our other partners and share feelings. I like to think we are in a good healthy poly relationship. Or at least I hope so.

I occasionally I had, in the past, some sexual anxiety issues and was not able to perform-- (I know, I hate this wording, make men looks like a seal) not often though. I've already noticed that I am having them with N. We had two meets involving sexual fun (and god it was fun for both) and I was not able to sustain an erection. We had a lot of other fun, and before someone mentions it, I didn't sit on the corner of the bed with my head between my hands, just saying it was more between her legs .

What really puzzles me is that with JH I do not have such issues (now). I had sex with her the day before/after my other meets with N, no problem.

It is clear my brain is tricking me. I am trying to think what the block could be. I thought about many possibilities, but nothing conclusive.

Did I rush myself too much? (Doubt it)
Am I still somehow bound to monogamy culture? (possible, but not consciously)
Is it really what I want? (hell yes!)

I am trying to keep cool as possible and not make it a big issue. (I am not lingering on it too long, but I spoke about it with N, made a couple of jokes after checking with her, and also with JH because we share most of our experiences/feelings.)

I just wonder if it is something "usual" in poly relationships, or not. Any experiences?

Thanks.

 

[Magdlyn]

Let me see if I have this straight:

You've been basically married for 20 years
Have one son
You and JustHer have had issues but have learned to communicate better
Things have improved
You opened your relationship about a year ago
You've been seeing N (let's say Nancy, words are better than initials) for 2-3 months
You've had some ED in the past
You're having some ED now with Nancy, but not with JustHer
You deal with the ED by using humor and doing something non-penis-related, like oral sex

Now you're wondering why you're having some struggles with deflation. Did you know that a man can be aroused but go from hard to semi-hard to soft to back to hard again, all in one sex session, and that's perfectly normal? You don't have to be rock hard the whole time to have successful sex. Especially as men age, hit their forties, this becomes more common.

Yes, I'm sure feeling very secure with JustHer helps you to maintain your erection, and you might feel awkward with Nancy for the reasons you listed.

What would you like to have happen now?

One thing to try would be to refrain from having an orgasm for X amount of days before planning to have a date including sex with Nancy.

 

[Albert Ross]

Did you know that a man can be aroused but go from hard to semi-hard to soft to back to hard again, all in one sex session, and that's perfectly normal? You don't have to be rock hard the whole time to have successful sex. Especially as men age, hit their forties, this becomes more common.

As a man in his forties, can confirm. For me, this is even more likely the first few times I'm with a new partner, and even more likely if using condoms.

I just recognize it's transient, based in anxiety. I make sure my partner knows what the deal is, and how much I'm enjoying what we're doing.

 

[Bobbi]

As a vulva owner, I make it clear to my partners that there is no expectation of P in V sex, continued erection or orgasm. We are there to share pleasure and intimacy and I enjoy it all. It’s very difficult if a penis owner has any stress about performing. Frankly, once it happens, penis owners get even more anxious next time with thoughts of “I hope I can get hard, stay hard….oh no I can’t lose it” that it’s more likely to happen. The vulva owner has to understand it’s not about them and sometimes bodies just don’t do what we want and penis owners need to relax and enjoy without getting in their head….

that’s my thoughts on it.

My partner has been unable to stay hard or orgasm for any other partners and he feels completely safe with me because I talk with him about it and support him no matter what so he has few issues with me. I take my time and we take breaks and it always happens. Mental load about it is huge.

 

[LoveBunny]

There are pills men can get/take easily to fix ED (unless you can't take them because of some medical issue?) I know some men feel ashamed of taking pills, but for what it's worth, when a man I'm with takes his Cialis, I'm like, "thank you!" because I know he's doing it for my pleasure, too. It's no different from the fact that I need lube because I'm an older woman who doesn't lubricate naturally as well as I used to, it's nothing I get embarrassed about.

 

[Magdlyn]

There are pills men can get/take easily to fix ED (unless you can't take them because of some medical issue?) I know some men feel ashamed of taking pills, but for what it's worth, when a man I'm with takes his Cialis, I'm like, "thank you!" because I know he's doing it for my pleasure, too. It's no different from the fact that I need lube because I'm an older woman who doesn't lubricate naturally as well as I used to, it's nothing I get embarrassed about.

I was with one guy for a while who couldn't get hard the first time we had sex. I happen to have a stock of Viagra that we had for an old dog with heart problems (she passed away), so the next time we met, I offered him one. He took it and got hard. But the next time we met, the pill didn't work. It wasn't a biological thing, it was just his bit of anxiety. But by the 4th date, he was becoming comfortable with me (and probably appreciated my patience), and he was able to have nice erections from then on. However, he never came! He was unable to let go. I think we were together about a year. I just accepted that, as I would a woman who couldn't orgasm. He had a good sex drive and we always had great fun, sex, and kink as well. He couldn't cum from masturbation on his own either.

For another example, my current bf is young and has a very strong sex drive. He's new to poly... One time when he came to me right from one of his other partners (where they've had sex a few times), he kept losing his erection. But he was able to finish, finally. The last time I saw him, he told me he hadn't cum for about five days, on his own (he hadn't seen another partner, either). And by contrast, he was much more raring to go. I had to buckle in for a wild ride lol. That's fresh in my mind, and why I recommended abstaining for a few days before a date with the new partner.

 

[Bobbi]

There are pills men can get/take easily to fix ED (unless you can't take them because of some medical issue?)

I’d caution anyone about using this term inappropriately. ED is a medical diagnosis where the penis does not get hard on its own. What was described by OP is NORMAL penis behavior. People mislabeling it as ED are part of the problem. Non penis owners do not understand that this is normal (outside of being a teenager with an abundance of testosterone) and it psychologically effects penis owners. Yes, men need rest periods and foreplay. Slow down and take your time.

 

[Bobbi]

A great podcast that discusses when the penis does it’s own thing is a great listen for anyone that has or interacts with penises.

https://spotify.link/RtT73CfDTDb

For those not wanting to click links, it’s called “Pillow Talks,” Episode 47 with Xander and Vanessa Marin.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello justmyelf,

Yes, it happens often, this performance issue in men. I doubt that it's just a polyamory thing, I believe that both polyamorists and monogamists experience this problem (from time to time). It is the reason why we have Viagra and Cialis. Talk to your doctor about your problem, s/he may have a solution for you.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Albert Ross]

Talk to your doctor about your problem, s/he may have a solution for you.

And hopefully the solution they suggest won't be Viagra or Cialis, since OP said they perform just fine in different situations.

 

[justmyelf]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for replies.

Let me see if I have this straight:

You've been basically married for 20 years
Have one son
You and JustHer have had issues but have learned to communicate better
Things have improved
You opened your relationship about a year ago
You've been seeing N (let's say Nancy, words are better than initials) for 2-3 months
You've had some ED in the past
You're having some ED now with Nancy, but not with JustHer
You deal with the ED by using humor and doing something non-penis-related, like oral sex

Now you're wondering why you're having some struggles with deflation. Did you know that a man can be aroused but go from hard to semi-hard to soft to back to hard again, all in one sex session, and that's perfectly normal? You don't have to be rock hard the whole time to have successful sex. Especially as men age, hit their forties, this becomes more common.

Yes, I'm sure feeling very secure with JustHer helps you to maintain your erection, and you might feel awkward with Nancy for the reasons you listed.

What would you like to have happen now?

One thing to try would be to refrain from having an orgasm for X amount of days before planning to have a date including sex with Nancy.

Yes, more or less, this is the situation. From my message maybe it looks like the frequency of the sexual encounters is very high, but this is not exactly the case. Anyhow, I will try to follow the advice.

As a man in his forties, can confirm. For me, this is even more likely the first few times I'm with a new partner, and even more likely if using condoms.

I just recognize it's transient, based in anxiety. I make sure my partner knows what the deal is, and how much I'm enjoying what we're doing.

I appreciate your reply. You also recognize the fact that this is probably just a phase, which does not make any easier, unfortunately. I talked with Nancy and we agreed to meet next time without the idea of having sex, just doing something else (which both we enjoy by the way) and if sex happens it will be more spontaneous.

As a vulva owner, I make it clear to my partners that there is no expectation of P in V sex, continued erection or orgasm. We are there to share pleasure and intimacy and I enjoy it all. It’s very difficult if a penis owner has any stress about performing. Frankly, once it happens, penis owners get even more anxious next time with thoughts of “I hope I can get hard, stay hard….oh no I can’t lose it” that it’s more likely to happen. The vulva owner has to understand it’s not about them and sometimes bodies just don’t do what we want and penis owners need to relax and enjoy without getting in their head….

that’s my thoughts on it.

My partner has been unable to stay hard or orgasm for any other partners and he feels completely safe with me because I talk with him about it and support him no matter what so he has few issues with me. I take my time and we take breaks and it always happens. Mental load about it is huge.

Thanks, Bobbi. A vulva owner's point of view and experiences are much appreciated. With Nancy I do not have any pressure in this regard, which helps a lot!

There are pills men can get/take easily to fix ED (unless you can't take them because of some medical issue?) I know some men feel ashamed of taking pills, but for what it's worth, when a man I'm with takes his Cialis, I'm like, "thank you!" because I know he's doing it for my pleasure, too. It's no different from the fact that I need lube because I'm an older woman who doesn't lubricate naturally as well as I used to, it's nothing I get embarrassed about.

Thanks, LoveBunny. I am not ruling out pills, or a visit to the doctor before taking pills, it is just that rationally it is not necessary/needed. Of course I realize that it is also a form of care towards my partners, and this is why I checked with Nancy after the second time it happened. I was really self-conscious that it was not just something affecting me. Thanks also for the podcast. I am already listening now.

Hello justmyelf,

Yes, it happens often, this performance issue in men. I doubt that it's just a polyamory thing, I believe that both polyamorists and monogamists experience this problem (from time to time). It is the reason why we have Viagra and Cialis. Talk to your doctor about your problem, s/he may have a solution for you.

Regards,
Kevin T.

Hi Kevin,

I think it is something that is not spoken about very often or openly, and surely it can affect mono or poly men. But most often, such situations in which a man has parallel partners, it is more typical for poly. (I know probably there are more mono cheaters. Let's say this should not be the case if they are really monogamists). As I said, replying to LoveBunny, I am not ruling out the doctor and eventually pills. For sure I can see the possible advantage to using it once, to remove the "ghost" of the issue at any future meetings.

I am trying not to put too much emphasis on what happened, but in the rear of my brain the thought is still there and starting to undermine my confidence with JustHer. The last time we had sex, I clearly stopped for a bit when the thought jumped on me, literally. This is why I think it is more psychological.

 

[Magdlyn]

I’d caution anyone about using this term inappropriately. ED is a medical diagnosis where the penis does not get hard on its own. What was described by OP is NORMAL penis behavior. People mislabeling it as ED are part of the problem. Non penis owners do not understand that this is normal (outside of being a teenager with an abundance of testosterone) and it psychologically effects penis owners. Yes, men need rest periods and foreplay. Slow down and take your time.

I'm a non-penis owner and know this. How can you say that? Most people who have had sex with men over 40 are perfectly aware of this lol

Your definition is too narrow. It does not mean a total inability for the penis to get hard on its own. Men with X degree of ED (it varies) may get an erection but not be able to maintain it, to the point of frustration.


What is the definition of erectile dysfunction?

Erectile dysfunction is defined as the persistent inability to achieve or maintain penile erection sufficient for satisfactory sexual performance. The Massachusetts Male Aging Study surveyed 1,709 men aged 40–70 years between 1987 and 1989 and found there was a total prevalence of erectile dysfunction of 52 percent.

 

[justmyelf]

Magdlyn, I personally think you are right. There is full range of ED, from no erection at all, to not maintaining it long enough, to intermittent erections.

Updates: I had another beautiful evening with Nancy and we are now on a frankly not enviable 3-0 score.

In the meantime, I've started a better diet, am visiting the gym a couple days per week (losing weight can only be beneficial), taking supplements (never harms) and I went to the doctor. The odd thing was explaining the two different partners part, which I am almost convinced didn't work out very well. He prescribed tadalafil straight away, even though I asked to check my testosterone level (and other levels as well. I am not a doctor).

I am more and more convinced it is 100% psychological. But on that side I do not know what to do exactly. I did a bit of introspection and contemplated for the first time the possibility I am, to a certain degree, demisexual. It is a possibility. For sure I am not and have never been a one-night-stand kind of person. I am not even sure that is the right word. I like sex, so I would exclude any degree of asexuality.

I also tried to analyse the differences in the sexual dynamics between my two partners and I noted completely different behaviours till now from Nancy and Just Her. I just want to make clear that I am not comparing the two of them. Comparisons are not good or healthy. I am just trying to understand if it is me, approaching the two the same way, which isn't fair or right. I probably must adapt my approach to sex between two very different attitudes. It is also true that are two different situations. I know exactly how to read every single sign of one, due to the length of our relationship. The other is a white canvas and will require time.

As already stated, I have nothing against meds; I am just scared of the scenario of me taking the pill, but ending up with the same result. It might be an even bigger blow to my confidence if it is my brain.

It is also possible that all this is just detrimental. I am probably overthinking the whole thing, but hey, I cannot do without it, it is how I am made.

 

[Bobbi]

I think the hardest part is the self-speaking. Do you have any of these thoughts traipsing through your head causing a “squirrel!” effect on your body?

"I hope I can get erect tonight! I hope I can keep my erection. Man, I really want to have an orgasm,"… These, and similar thoughts, can derail you fast and at any sign of things going sideways, your mind starts to freak out about it, making things even worse.

Have you tried taking breaks, gentle touching, not having a time limit, stuff like that?

One of my partners cannot have orgasms with any other partners, and frequently loses erections. I told him from day 1 that sex wasn’t about orgasm to me, just pleasure. We have lengthy foreplay, with lots of making out, touching, massaging, and exploring sensations, just to enjoy pleasure. Sometimes we do intercourse for a bit, then he loses his erection, and we go back to foreplay. The way I touch and caress his penis seems to work. I avoid stroking completely until he’s hard. There’s only been a handful of times he couldn’t cum or be hard enough for intercourse, and that says a lot-- three times per week for over two years.

Find the touch that works for you, but try to let go of trying to or even wanting to orgasm. Maybe try NOT to have one. Decide beforehand that you don’t want one. Sometimes reverse psychology can be effective.

I don’t have the answer for you, but maybe one of my suggestions may help or lead you to something new on your own. I do wish you a happy sex life.