WestCoastRedhead
Active member
Hello all! I hope you have been doing well.
I've posted a couple of times before. My most recent post was seeking thoughts about my partner (Pisces) travelling to Europe with his other partner (Blue), and how I'd handle all of that for the first time. I have been with Pisces for ten months, and he has been with Blue for a decade. She is married and lives with her spouse and daughter, and Pisces was living quite a bit further away, then recently moved back to the same city as her. I live across from them on an island on the coast. She has been poly for more than a decade, and he has been poly for about twenty years. I have been both mono & poly since 2015.
I have been friendly with my meta from the start, as they were both so welcoming and warm to me as I joined the polycule (five of us, but I don’t have anything to do with Blue’s husband or his GF). She has struggled to be supportive, I know, but she was very receptive when I said I hoped we could be friends too. Sadly, it hasn’t stayed that way, and currently very much is not now.
I am hoping to get some ideas/advice from y’all around how my metamour has been acting just before their trip, and definitely upon returning. Since about May/June, Blue has been feeling that Pisces hasn’t been giving her enough time. There had been illness and such that had affected their time together, which happens, but she started actually counting the days he gave her vs how many he gave me. Yeah. Sigh.
So in September when he moved back into the same city as her, I came over to see him (and to take my son to a tournament), and she had her two little meltdowns. He sums up her behavior during this time as “burn it all down”, so yeah, kind of extreme…. She even lashed out at me a bit, merely for being such an important part of his life, asking for his time. But she did reach out as friend briefly before they left for Europe at the beginning of October.
Upon returning from Europe, Pisces, who wasn’t pleased that I had asked for radio silence the last half of his time away overseas, so was feeling grumpy with me, and had a moment of weakness and did a vindictive thing to me - what did he do? He had promised to message me after they landed to let me know he was back safe, and if my Meta, Blue was going to stay overnight, as he knows that I would be anxious and worried if I didn’t hear from him. So that day, after landing, already tired and grumpy, he chose to not message me, not until 4:30 the next morning, after seeing my little collection of slightly panicky messages seeing if he had landed and was okay.
Because he hadn’t messaged me, I had sent a quick message to Blue that night, just to see if they were okay. We had previously set up a verbal agreement between the three of us that if one of us gals couldn’t get a hold of Pisces, we could send each other a quick message to make sure things were okay with him. I didn’t know that Blue wasn’t open to this “just in case” messaging anymore, as she didn’t let either me or Pisces know.
I got no response from her until the next morning, and while her first message was polite, when I asked a follow up question, she got snippy with me, and then stormed into the bedroom to wake Pisces up and asked him to take her home, since I was so “insistent” that I get my time/communication with him again now that they were back. I felt bad to have upset her, yet had Pisces messaged me, I wouldn’t have messaged her. (He has now acknowledged this simple but really bad mistake of not messaging me, considering the huge outfall that came of it all).
This started a snowball of her most recent and largest meltdown, “burn it all down” behaviour, when I also accidentally posted something online (an RSVP to an event she wanted to attend), and that increased the speed of the snowball effect. Within four days of the two of them returning, she was very upset with him about him spending more time with me, and not meeting her needs (to be fair, she hasn’t/isn’t often as good in doing so as I am, so Pisces tells me), and was deleting their things online, and bringing him his condo keys. So it looked like she was threatening to break up with him.
This was the night before he was due to come see me, for our reunion time together, after a month apart because of his travels. He was so upset/angry by her threat to break up, that he ended up staying an extra day at his place. This was upsetting to me because I felt that her drastic actions had robbed me of a day, and I knew how angry he would be. I ended up feeling quite angry with her because of this, and it didn’t slow down much after he arrived for his five days with me. She needed two calls the first day, one the next, and one more two days later (four calls in five days is not at all normal, and he was super grumpy with her about it). I was trying to be compassionate and understanding and said that was okay, to make the calls, but Pisces new I was pissed off at Blue.
Apparently Blue is still upset with me in all of this, but I have no real idea of what my crimes are, if any. Some of her anger with me is definitely about Pisces, and him not meeting her needs, as he told me, but after that - she hasn’t communicated with me to let me know what’s happened and how I’ve offended her.
At first Pisces was trying to be a bit of a peacemaker, and listen to us both vent about the other to him, but now he says he is stepping back and feeling done, and won’t even encourage her to reach out to me. I had figured since she burned the bridge, it would be up to her to make the first step back, but nothing so far. She may need more time.
I totally understand why Pisces would want to step back and not be involved. I’ve been a hinge before and my two partners got in a disagreement which they never resolved, so for a few months until my relationships with both ended, I had two partners who refused to acknowledge the other. It was sad for me, but I had to step back from that peacekeeper role and let them decide if they’d sort it or not.
So, back to my original query - when conflict & drama arise between metas - what is usually a good course of action? Should Pisces, as hinge, do something? Should I reach out first when it was her who burned the bridge? Should I just leave it for now and let things cool down? Pisces and Blue do now have the daunting task of rebuilding their almost shattered relationship - her actions really damaged things to the point that Pisces was on the brink of being done with her.
Thoughts?
Thanks
I've posted a couple of times before. My most recent post was seeking thoughts about my partner (Pisces) travelling to Europe with his other partner (Blue), and how I'd handle all of that for the first time. I have been with Pisces for ten months, and he has been with Blue for a decade. She is married and lives with her spouse and daughter, and Pisces was living quite a bit further away, then recently moved back to the same city as her. I live across from them on an island on the coast. She has been poly for more than a decade, and he has been poly for about twenty years. I have been both mono & poly since 2015.
I have been friendly with my meta from the start, as they were both so welcoming and warm to me as I joined the polycule (five of us, but I don’t have anything to do with Blue’s husband or his GF). She has struggled to be supportive, I know, but she was very receptive when I said I hoped we could be friends too. Sadly, it hasn’t stayed that way, and currently very much is not now.
I am hoping to get some ideas/advice from y’all around how my metamour has been acting just before their trip, and definitely upon returning. Since about May/June, Blue has been feeling that Pisces hasn’t been giving her enough time. There had been illness and such that had affected their time together, which happens, but she started actually counting the days he gave her vs how many he gave me. Yeah. Sigh.
So in September when he moved back into the same city as her, I came over to see him (and to take my son to a tournament), and she had her two little meltdowns. He sums up her behavior during this time as “burn it all down”, so yeah, kind of extreme…. She even lashed out at me a bit, merely for being such an important part of his life, asking for his time. But she did reach out as friend briefly before they left for Europe at the beginning of October.
Upon returning from Europe, Pisces, who wasn’t pleased that I had asked for radio silence the last half of his time away overseas, so was feeling grumpy with me, and had a moment of weakness and did a vindictive thing to me - what did he do? He had promised to message me after they landed to let me know he was back safe, and if my Meta, Blue was going to stay overnight, as he knows that I would be anxious and worried if I didn’t hear from him. So that day, after landing, already tired and grumpy, he chose to not message me, not until 4:30 the next morning, after seeing my little collection of slightly panicky messages seeing if he had landed and was okay.
Because he hadn’t messaged me, I had sent a quick message to Blue that night, just to see if they were okay. We had previously set up a verbal agreement between the three of us that if one of us gals couldn’t get a hold of Pisces, we could send each other a quick message to make sure things were okay with him. I didn’t know that Blue wasn’t open to this “just in case” messaging anymore, as she didn’t let either me or Pisces know.
I got no response from her until the next morning, and while her first message was polite, when I asked a follow up question, she got snippy with me, and then stormed into the bedroom to wake Pisces up and asked him to take her home, since I was so “insistent” that I get my time/communication with him again now that they were back. I felt bad to have upset her, yet had Pisces messaged me, I wouldn’t have messaged her. (He has now acknowledged this simple but really bad mistake of not messaging me, considering the huge outfall that came of it all).
This started a snowball of her most recent and largest meltdown, “burn it all down” behaviour, when I also accidentally posted something online (an RSVP to an event she wanted to attend), and that increased the speed of the snowball effect. Within four days of the two of them returning, she was very upset with him about him spending more time with me, and not meeting her needs (to be fair, she hasn’t/isn’t often as good in doing so as I am, so Pisces tells me), and was deleting their things online, and bringing him his condo keys. So it looked like she was threatening to break up with him.
This was the night before he was due to come see me, for our reunion time together, after a month apart because of his travels. He was so upset/angry by her threat to break up, that he ended up staying an extra day at his place. This was upsetting to me because I felt that her drastic actions had robbed me of a day, and I knew how angry he would be. I ended up feeling quite angry with her because of this, and it didn’t slow down much after he arrived for his five days with me. She needed two calls the first day, one the next, and one more two days later (four calls in five days is not at all normal, and he was super grumpy with her about it). I was trying to be compassionate and understanding and said that was okay, to make the calls, but Pisces new I was pissed off at Blue.
Apparently Blue is still upset with me in all of this, but I have no real idea of what my crimes are, if any. Some of her anger with me is definitely about Pisces, and him not meeting her needs, as he told me, but after that - she hasn’t communicated with me to let me know what’s happened and how I’ve offended her.
At first Pisces was trying to be a bit of a peacemaker, and listen to us both vent about the other to him, but now he says he is stepping back and feeling done, and won’t even encourage her to reach out to me. I had figured since she burned the bridge, it would be up to her to make the first step back, but nothing so far. She may need more time.
I totally understand why Pisces would want to step back and not be involved. I’ve been a hinge before and my two partners got in a disagreement which they never resolved, so for a few months until my relationships with both ended, I had two partners who refused to acknowledge the other. It was sad for me, but I had to step back from that peacekeeper role and let them decide if they’d sort it or not.
So, back to my original query - when conflict & drama arise between metas - what is usually a good course of action? Should Pisces, as hinge, do something? Should I reach out first when it was her who burned the bridge? Should I just leave it for now and let things cool down? Pisces and Blue do now have the daunting task of rebuilding their almost shattered relationship - her actions really damaged things to the point that Pisces was on the brink of being done with her.
Thoughts?
Thanks
