Metamour Conflict/Drama

WestCoastRedhead

Active member
Hello all! I hope you have been doing well.

I've posted a couple of times before. My most recent post was seeking thoughts about my partner (Pisces) travelling to Europe with his other partner (Blue), and how I'd handle all of that for the first time. I have been with Pisces for ten months, and he has been with Blue for a decade. She is married and lives with her spouse and daughter, and Pisces was living quite a bit further away, then recently moved back to the same city as her. I live across from them on an island on the coast. She has been poly for more than a decade, and he has been poly for about twenty years. I have been both mono & poly since 2015.

I have been friendly with my meta from the start, as they were both so welcoming and warm to me as I joined the polycule (five of us, but I don’t have anything to do with Blue’s husband or his GF). She has struggled to be supportive, I know, but she was very receptive when I said I hoped we could be friends too. Sadly, it hasn’t stayed that way, and currently very much is not now.

I am hoping to get some ideas/advice from y’all around how my metamour has been acting just before their trip, and definitely upon returning. Since about May/June, Blue has been feeling that Pisces hasn’t been giving her enough time. There had been illness and such that had affected their time together, which happens, but she started actually counting the days he gave her vs how many he gave me. Yeah. Sigh.

So in September when he moved back into the same city as her, I came over to see him (and to take my son to a tournament), and she had her two little meltdowns. He sums up her behavior during this time as “burn it all down”, so yeah, kind of extreme…. She even lashed out at me a bit, merely for being such an important part of his life, asking for his time. But she did reach out as friend briefly before they left for Europe at the beginning of October.

Upon returning from Europe, Pisces, who wasn’t pleased that I had asked for radio silence the last half of his time away overseas, so was feeling grumpy with me, and had a moment of weakness and did a vindictive thing to me - what did he do? He had promised to message me after they landed to let me know he was back safe, and if my Meta, Blue was going to stay overnight, as he knows that I would be anxious and worried if I didn’t hear from him. So that day, after landing, already tired and grumpy, he chose to not message me, not until 4:30 the next morning, after seeing my little collection of slightly panicky messages seeing if he had landed and was okay.

Because he hadn’t messaged me, I had sent a quick message to Blue that night, just to see if they were okay. We had previously set up a verbal agreement between the three of us that if one of us gals couldn’t get a hold of Pisces, we could send each other a quick message to make sure things were okay with him. I didn’t know that Blue wasn’t open to this “just in case” messaging anymore, as she didn’t let either me or Pisces know.

I got no response from her until the next morning, and while her first message was polite, when I asked a follow up question, she got snippy with me, and then stormed into the bedroom to wake Pisces up and asked him to take her home, since I was so “insistent” that I get my time/communication with him again now that they were back. I felt bad to have upset her, yet had Pisces messaged me, I wouldn’t have messaged her. (He has now acknowledged this simple but really bad mistake of not messaging me, considering the huge outfall that came of it all).

This started a snowball of her most recent and largest meltdown, “burn it all down” behaviour, when I also accidentally posted something online (an RSVP to an event she wanted to attend), and that increased the speed of the snowball effect. Within four days of the two of them returning, she was very upset with him about him spending more time with me, and not meeting her needs (to be fair, she hasn’t/isn’t often as good in doing so as I am, so Pisces tells me), and was deleting their things online, and bringing him his condo keys. So it looked like she was threatening to break up with him.

This was the night before he was due to come see me, for our reunion time together, after a month apart because of his travels. He was so upset/angry by her threat to break up, that he ended up staying an extra day at his place. This was upsetting to me because I felt that her drastic actions had robbed me of a day, and I knew how angry he would be. I ended up feeling quite angry with her because of this, and it didn’t slow down much after he arrived for his five days with me. She needed two calls the first day, one the next, and one more two days later (four calls in five days is not at all normal, and he was super grumpy with her about it). I was trying to be compassionate and understanding and said that was okay, to make the calls, but Pisces new I was pissed off at Blue.

Apparently Blue is still upset with me in all of this, but I have no real idea of what my crimes are, if any. Some of her anger with me is definitely about Pisces, and him not meeting her needs, as he told me, but after that - she hasn’t communicated with me to let me know what’s happened and how I’ve offended her.

At first Pisces was trying to be a bit of a peacemaker, and listen to us both vent about the other to him, but now he says he is stepping back and feeling done, and won’t even encourage her to reach out to me. I had figured since she burned the bridge, it would be up to her to make the first step back, but nothing so far. She may need more time.

I totally understand why Pisces would want to step back and not be involved. I’ve been a hinge before and my two partners got in a disagreement which they never resolved, so for a few months until my relationships with both ended, I had two partners who refused to acknowledge the other. It was sad for me, but I had to step back from that peacekeeper role and let them decide if they’d sort it or not.

So, back to my original query - when conflict & drama arise between metas - what is usually a good course of action? Should Pisces, as hinge, do something? Should I reach out first when it was her who burned the bridge? Should I just leave it for now and let things cool down? Pisces and Blue do now have the daunting task of rebuilding their almost shattered relationship - her actions really damaged things to the point that Pisces was on the brink of being done with her.

Thoughts?

Thanks :)
 
I'm new at this, but I've certainly read a lot of anecdotes describing very similar situations. So here are my thoughts:

It seems like you could have a lot less to do with Blue. You're not dating her, right? You're dating Pisces. I totally understand the desire to also have a friendly relationship with Blue, because why not have a lover and also a friend? But that's just not working great right now.

You could decline further contact with Blue. And you could ask Pisces to share a lot less about what's going on in their relationship. When you say things like this, for example:
she got snippy with me, and then stormed into the bedroom to wake Pisces up and asked him to take her home, since I was so “insistent” that I get my time/communication with him again now that they were back.
I think, why do you know that Blue "stormed into the bedroom"? Were you there? Presumably not. So I presume Pisces described this scene to you. Does knowing this sort of detail make your relationship better, or worse?

It might help to let go of contact with Blue, and tell Pisces something like: "I know you and Blue are going through a lot right now. That's rough, and I wish you luck resolving it. From now on, though, I can't be your sounding board for problems with Blue. Here's what I need from our relationship: {Whatever that is}. Is that something you can provide right now? If not, maybe we should take a step back, and you can get in touch when you're in a better place to date me."

That might not be the outcome you want, of course, but it might also feel a lot better than staying tangled up in Pisces/Blue Drama.
 
Yes, Pisces told me the bit about her coming in to wake him up and drive her home. He was irritated with both of us, until I reminded him that it was his lack of messaging me the night before that had caused me to worry and reach out to her to begin with.

He doesn't usually tell me too much, but with her recent meltdown and it being on the cusp of him coming to see me, then her calling during our time, he felt he needed to share more than usual. He has stepped back from that now, and doesn't mention her unless I do. So I can do my best to let that drop for now.

He and I really want to spend time focussing on us too, and he is happy to do so. It took quite a bit to peel off all that drama and smooth out our own strong feeling around all of this, shake it off. We are finally feeling really good and connected, so I am happy to focus on that.

She may get stronger and happier again or she may not. They may stay together, or they may not. I'm going to try to stay out of it for now, I think.
 
I would stay out of it. Let him deal with her and you two focus on your relationship. It’s not clear if you are nesting with him but if not, then he can call her on his own time. Make your quality time yours and her quality time hers. this Is messy, just stay in your lane and focus on your relationship with him.
 
I'm sorry this happened.

If it was me dating Pisces, it would be too much drama. I'd step back and just not talk to Blue any more, AT ALL. Let Pisces deal with it. I'm not going to read minds, or "chase" if people get mad I don't read their minds.

I'd also let go of wanting Pisces to contact me right after getting home from a trip. It's nice if he does, but am I not going to hold my breath over it. Within the next few days is good enough.

If everything is hard, I'd rather reduce my load to just the "Arrived safe?" worry, which gets solved in a few days anyway, than deal with that, PLUS the bonus meta drama. I'll pass on the stuff I can just skip.

Galagirl
 
He had promised to message me after they landed to let me know he was back safe, and if my Meta, Blue was going to stay overnight, as he knows that I would be anxious and worried if I didn’t hear from him.
I often choose to focus on the things that can be controlled. You can always control yourself.

I get the "Have you landed?" anxiety, but you could have tracked his flight to have that basic knowledge, without needing to rely on him to convey it.

Why did you need to know Meta's plans? I think she's simply upset that you have the type of attachment where you really miss him and have partner-type obligations and expectations of each other.

My gut tells me that while they were away, he negotiated some sort of new agreements or boundaries or something with her. It's just a hunch based on experience.
 
I would stay out of it. Let him deal with her and you two focus on your relationship. It’s not clear if you are nesting with him but if not, then he can call her on his own time. Make your quality time yours and her quality time hers. this Is messy, just stay in your lane and focus on your relationship with him.
Pisces and I are not currently nesting partners, no. As I mentioned in the first part of my message, he lives in a different city on the mainland and I live on an island nearby, and Blue lives in a city nearby his.

And I agree, the quality in-person time is important and sacred. And I don't want to be part of the mess.
 
I'm sorry this happened.

If it was me dating Pisces?

For me it's too much drama. I'd step back and just not talk to Blue any more, AT ALL. Let Pisces deal with it. I'm not going to read minds, or "chase" if people get mad I don't read their minds.

I'd also let go of wanting Pisces to contact me right after getting home from a trip. It's nice if he does, but I am not going to hold my breath over it. Within the next few days is good enough.

If everything is hard, I'd rather reduce my load to just the "Arrived safe?" worry, which gets solved in a few days anyway, than deal with that PLUS the bonus meta drama. I'll pass on the stuff I can just skip.
I wish to could let go of having Pisces sending me quick check-in messages (which isn't an unreasonable request at all, and I do it for my people who ask/need it from me), but my anxiety is one that since becoming poly, if I don't have that quick check-in, like a goodnight, I will actually worry and lose sleep. It's a real pain, but I don't know how or if it's fixable. He is very good, knowing this about me, and normally does honour our agreement with those check-ins. In this particular case, he withheld on purpose, because he was feeling grumpy with me. He has since apologized and accepted responsibility for being unkind that way.

But thank you for your thoughts :)
 
Then, if the agreement still stands, he could keep it, even if grumpy. Texting, "Landed. Talk later" does not take long at all.

On your end, DO NOT text Blue any more.

GG
 
I often choose to focus on the things that can be controlled. You can always control yourself.

I get the "have you landed?" anxiety, but you could have tracked his flight to have that basic knowledge without needing to rely on him to convey it.


Why did you need to know Meta's plans? I think she's simply upset that you have the type of attachment where you really miss him and have partner-type obligations and expectations of each other.

My gut tells me that while they were away, he negotiated some sort of new agreements or boundaries or something with her. It's just a hunch based on experience.
I did check the flight, and saw it landed. I had asked if Blue was going to stay over at his place the night they landed or not, so I could know my level of communication with him. (If she was still there, I would only text a reply once and then leave it. If not, I would have been able to message with him a bit more.) As it was, neither of them communicated until the next morning.

I didn't miss him that much. It was more about making sure my person was okay. All I needed was a quick check-in. Oh, and from what I understand, he has the same or similar sorts of partner-type obligations and expectations with her too.

He negotiated some sort of new agreement/boundaries? You mean, as to why she changed to no longer being okay with me messaging her if I hadn't heard from Pisces, our little trio agreement? No, I asked him about this, and he didn't know she was no longer okay with either. It was a surprise for him, too.
 
Then if the agreement still stands, he could keep it even if grumpy.

Texting "Landed. Talk later" is not long at all.

But on your end? DO NOT text Blue any more.

GG
Yes, and he has acknowledged that he should have texted me regardless. And yes, I think I agree with you-- no more talking to Blue. It's apparently too risky to blow things up, even if she has said it's okay. Who knows if she will change her mind, again?
 
Yup. Just skip it all. You are not dating her. If Pisces wants to date her and ride the Blue rollercoaster, he is free to do so. You don't need to ride it.

GG
True. It's just really too bad. I was so hopeful for a warm, peaceful connection with Blue, to have a nice relationship with a meta at last. I've had bad luck with past metas (wives) freaking out and being threatened by me (and demanding their husbands break up with me to save their marriage), so I was hoping for something nicer this time round. Thankfully, Blue doesn't have veto power, and he has said she would never ask him to break up with me for her. Yeah, it's just too bad...
 
One last thing I'd like to get your takes on re: metamour conflict:

Pisces, Blue and I are all into BDSM/kink, and are all active in the local kink communities, and are all on a BDSM website called Fetlife. Part of Blue's upset before she threatened to end their relationship was that she was triggered by me putting on my Fetlife profile that I "might be" attending a kink party in her city (where Pisces also lives), as Pisces and I had spoken of attending that kink party (this month) back in September. I had thought he would have mentioned that to her, but he hadn't, so she was surprised when she saw it. In her upset, she removed their connection from her own profile, unfriended me, and things went even more downhill from there.

Fast forward to today, where she and I aren't speaking and she wants nothing to do with me. I am debating, for my profile on this website, either to block her (so she can't see my activity feed or events rsvp'd and get upset), or keep posting, but not censor what I put, and she can just deal with it. Seeing as she burned this bridge, I'm not feeling like extending much courtesy to her on what I post on my profile there. I don't feel like censoring myself to possibly save her not being upset.

So, what do you think? Block her so she can't see my activity? Or keep it there, and if it upsets her, too bad? Or another option?
 
So I could know my level of communication with him. (If she was still there, I would only text a reply once and then leave it. If not, I would have been able to message with him a bit more.)
I'd just text my partner as I wished. If they were occupied, they just wouldn't reply unless it was appropriate. That way, you're letting them manage their own relationships and time.
I didn't miss him that much. It was more about making sure my person was okay. All I needed was a quick check-in. Oh, and from what I understand, he has the same or similar sorts of partner-type obligations and expectations with her, too.
Sure. She might not want him to have that with anyone else, or specifically you. I think her discomfort with that is fairly obvious.
He negotiated some sort of new agreement/boundaries?
His behaviour since his return makes me think that while they were away, they had talks that will ultimately affect your relationship.
 
I'd just text my partner as I wished. If they were occupied, they just wouldn't reply unless it was appropriate. That way, you're letting them manage their own relationships and time.
Fair. :)
Sure. She might not want him to have that with anyone else or specifically you. I think her discomfort with that it fairly obvious.
I get that, but that's too bad. He and I have agreed on certain things, and so she will need to accept that's how things are between he and I. If he asks me to change things, that's something we can negotiate, but her discomfort is not currently my problem. She has been unhappy about a bunch of things about our relationship, but I'm not going to let her make the rules for me. I extend courtesy and kindness unless it's not shown to me.
His behaviour since his return makes me think that while they were away, they have had talks that will ultimately affect your relationship.
He would have told me if there had been changes to things made while they were away, especially if it affected our relationship. What sorts of changes do you suspect were made, according to his behavior? I'm confused...
 
Part of Blue's upset before she threatened to end their relationship was that she was triggered by me putting on my Fetlife profile that I "might be" attending a kink party in her city (where Pisces also lives), as Pisces and I had spoken of attending that kink party (this month) back in September. I had thought he would have mentioned that to her, but he hadn't, so she was surprised when she saw it. In her upset, she removed their connection from her own profile, unfriended me, and things went even more downhill from there.

I don't see what the big deal is. You saying you MIGHT go to the "Happy Kink Party" is not horrible. You are free to attend public events and do anything on your profile that's not violating other people's consent or the terms of service. (I don't know the real name of the event, nor is it relevant.) If she got mad that Pisces didn't mention this to her, well, that's all their stuff on that side of the V.

I am debating for my profile on this website, either to block her (so she can't see my activity feed or events rsvp'd and get upset), or keep posting, but not censor what I put, and she can just deal with it. Seeing as she burned this bridge, I'm not feeling like extending much courtesy to her on what I post on my profile there. I don't feel like censoring myself to possibly save her from being upset.

Honestly, I am surprised you didn't already block her when she had a fuss over the "Happy Kink Party." I'd block her because that IS doing whatever I want with MY page and who I allow to access it.

I don't know if she's peeking at your social media things to find new axes to grind or find new things to complain to Pisces about, but you can block her to make it a non-issue FOR YOU. She can't access you anymore. You cut her off. You can keep on posting however you want on your socials.

Seeing as she burned this bridge, I'm not feeling like extending much courtesy to her on what I post on my profile there. I don't feel like censoring myself to possibly save her not being upset.

What are you censoring? I would view it more like sparing MYSELF from dealing with any more new shenanigans. She's got no data now from me to do shenanigans with (at least not from ME).

I'd keep posting however I want on my socials.

GG
 
I got mentally exhausted just reading about this. I don't know how you can stand writing about it, let alone living it.

If this is what it's like after just 10 months, imagine how great your future looks with this guy.
 
I got mentally exhausted just reading about this. I don't know how you can stand writing about it, let alone living it.

If this is what it's like after just 10 months, imagine how great your future looks with this guy.
Oh believe me, it's been an exhausting two months! Most of our time has been lovely, and he and I are feeling healthy and strong now, having done some solid work recently (discussions about better ways to communicate, etc.).

He was ready to walk away from her too, with that recent meltdown. I'm hoping things smooth out with them, but am going to stay well clear, and just focus on him and me.

Oh, and I'm doing a little local dating here in my city, as I would like a second relationship closer to home. :)
 
I don't see what the big deal is. You saying you MIGHT go to the "Happy Kink Party" is not horrible. You are free to attend public events and do whatever on your profile that's not violating other people's consent or the terms of service. (I don't know the real name of the event, nor is it relevant.)

If she got mad that Pisces didn't mention this to her, well, that's all their stuff on that side of the V.


Honestly, I am surprised you didn't already block her when she had a fuss over the "Happy Kink Party." I'd block her because that IS doing whatever I want with MY page and who I allow to access it.

I don't know if she's peeking at your social media things to find new axes to grind or find new things to complain to Pisces about. But you can block her to make it a non-issue FOR YOU, because she doesn't have access anymore. You cut her off. You can keep on posting however you want on your social things.


What are you censoring? I would view it more like sparing MYSELF from dealing with anymore new shenanigans. She's got no data now from me to do shenanigans with. I'd keep on posting however I want on my socials.

GG
ETA: after reflection, and speaking to a therapist friend, who advised: “Yeah I think the advice about blocking her isn't bad. It would help you avoid her crazy for sure, but I think in your case it's going to be more helpful in the long run to just let her get upset and be unreasonable in her behavior because then you have more evidence of her craziness. Then he has to see the situation rather than ignore or downplay it.”
So I am not blocking her.
 
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