OK, this is going to be long, but I don't have any friends who practise or even understand polyamory, so I hope some kind angel(s) will read this and be able to offer me some advice...
I recently had a very sad ending to a 4 year-long poly relationship. Things started to go wrong when he dated and had sex with someone else, and told his primary partner, but not me. (Our only rule, really, was always be open and honest about dating others.) His primary partner reached out to me at the time to say she thought his behaviour was bad, I had a right to be angry, and she told me I was amazing.
I'm autistic and part of how it affects me is that I find forgiveness very difficult/impossible (!), but the relationship (including being made to feel so welcome in his home by his lovely family) had brought me so much happiness that I decided to give it another go, for once in my life. Things were broken though; he had hardly any time for me anymore, but was still seeking sex elsewhere. It felt like he was less about meaningful connections and more about racking up as many shags with as many different people as possible, which was a major turn-off for me. Also, I was jealous: not of the other women, but of his ability, as an ageing straight white male, to find connections through dating apps so easily-- something I really struggle with!
In the end, I realised the relationship wasn't making me happy anymore, and that I needed more than he could give me, so I ended it in autumn. We decided to try to stay friends. It emerged quickly, though, that his version of staying friends was texting me to ask me if I was free for a spontaneous drink at times that suited him.
On one of these occasions, I told him I wasn't free, but that I'd like to do it soon as soon as possible. I was really struggling with my mental health. It took a lot of vulnerability to tell him that, but as my closest confidante of over 4 years, it felt safe and right to do so.
He didn't really acknowledge it, though, and 6 days later texted again, proposing another hurried drink after work that day. I told him I was disappointed that he hadn't followed up or checked in after I told him I was struggling a week earlier. He tried to say I was being unreasonable, and alluded to my past pattern of simply blocking people who hurt me from my life forever (something I had discussed with him and said I never wanted to happen with him). It was along the lines of, 'Oh so you're just going to stop speaking to me forever because I didn't text you for a few days?'
I explained it wasn't that, it was that I had expressly told him I was struggling with my mental health and needed his support as a friend, and either it hadn't registered or he didn't care. He said he would call me that evening 'But not for a heavy chat, just to chat shit.'
I think the worst thing you could possibly say to a person in a mental health crisis who is questioning whether you ever cared about them is 'I'll chat with you, but only if it's a fun chat, not a serious one!' It was devastating. I said perhaps we should leave it, as the only chat I needed/was capable of was a heavy one. He said 'Okay, chat soon!' That was 3 weeks ago, and I never heard from him again.
I feel so stupid and naive for believing I ever meant more to this man than sex, and believe that he took advantage of my autistic gullibility. My festive period has been awful, involving suicidal thoughts, huge worries and upset for my family, and the mental health-crisis team. I've felt stupid and worthless, and missed his daily presence in my inbox. (He was a very good, enthusiastic, daily texter!) I strongly suspect he was just on to the next shag straight away, and never gave me another thought.
It's been very hard to fathom how this person who knows me so well could be so cold and cruel when I told him I needed help.
I want to leave him where he belongs, in 2023, heal and move forward, but one thing is troubling me: his primary partner and their child. I care about and miss them. I suspect he has told his primary partner his version of events, that I have blocked him out of my life because he didn't text me for a few days, rather than I told him I was struggling with my mental health and he didn't want to support me.
I just want to thank her for being such a warm and wonderful person and for welcoming me into her home, and to tell her I'll miss her and her child. I keep crying about how lovely they are and how I'll never see them again. But I don't want to open up a conversation whereby she's asking me for details about what happened and I end up essentially bitching about her partner and shit-stirring.
A counsellor has suggested I do send her a 'Thank you for everything, I'll miss you,' kinda message for closure, 'Once the dust has settled.' But could it do more harm than good? I just don't want to completely vanish without thanking her and telling her how much her warmth meant to me over the years, and how I will miss the family.
Anyway, thanks for reading, if you made it this far. It was cathartic to get it all down, if nothing else. But any advice people can give will be very much appreciated.
I recently had a very sad ending to a 4 year-long poly relationship. Things started to go wrong when he dated and had sex with someone else, and told his primary partner, but not me. (Our only rule, really, was always be open and honest about dating others.) His primary partner reached out to me at the time to say she thought his behaviour was bad, I had a right to be angry, and she told me I was amazing.
I'm autistic and part of how it affects me is that I find forgiveness very difficult/impossible (!), but the relationship (including being made to feel so welcome in his home by his lovely family) had brought me so much happiness that I decided to give it another go, for once in my life. Things were broken though; he had hardly any time for me anymore, but was still seeking sex elsewhere. It felt like he was less about meaningful connections and more about racking up as many shags with as many different people as possible, which was a major turn-off for me. Also, I was jealous: not of the other women, but of his ability, as an ageing straight white male, to find connections through dating apps so easily-- something I really struggle with!
In the end, I realised the relationship wasn't making me happy anymore, and that I needed more than he could give me, so I ended it in autumn. We decided to try to stay friends. It emerged quickly, though, that his version of staying friends was texting me to ask me if I was free for a spontaneous drink at times that suited him.
On one of these occasions, I told him I wasn't free, but that I'd like to do it soon as soon as possible. I was really struggling with my mental health. It took a lot of vulnerability to tell him that, but as my closest confidante of over 4 years, it felt safe and right to do so.
He didn't really acknowledge it, though, and 6 days later texted again, proposing another hurried drink after work that day. I told him I was disappointed that he hadn't followed up or checked in after I told him I was struggling a week earlier. He tried to say I was being unreasonable, and alluded to my past pattern of simply blocking people who hurt me from my life forever (something I had discussed with him and said I never wanted to happen with him). It was along the lines of, 'Oh so you're just going to stop speaking to me forever because I didn't text you for a few days?'
I explained it wasn't that, it was that I had expressly told him I was struggling with my mental health and needed his support as a friend, and either it hadn't registered or he didn't care. He said he would call me that evening 'But not for a heavy chat, just to chat shit.'
I think the worst thing you could possibly say to a person in a mental health crisis who is questioning whether you ever cared about them is 'I'll chat with you, but only if it's a fun chat, not a serious one!' It was devastating. I said perhaps we should leave it, as the only chat I needed/was capable of was a heavy one. He said 'Okay, chat soon!' That was 3 weeks ago, and I never heard from him again.
I feel so stupid and naive for believing I ever meant more to this man than sex, and believe that he took advantage of my autistic gullibility. My festive period has been awful, involving suicidal thoughts, huge worries and upset for my family, and the mental health-crisis team. I've felt stupid and worthless, and missed his daily presence in my inbox. (He was a very good, enthusiastic, daily texter!) I strongly suspect he was just on to the next shag straight away, and never gave me another thought.
It's been very hard to fathom how this person who knows me so well could be so cold and cruel when I told him I needed help.
I want to leave him where he belongs, in 2023, heal and move forward, but one thing is troubling me: his primary partner and their child. I care about and miss them. I suspect he has told his primary partner his version of events, that I have blocked him out of my life because he didn't text me for a few days, rather than I told him I was struggling with my mental health and he didn't want to support me.
I just want to thank her for being such a warm and wonderful person and for welcoming me into her home, and to tell her I'll miss her and her child. I keep crying about how lovely they are and how I'll never see them again. But I don't want to open up a conversation whereby she's asking me for details about what happened and I end up essentially bitching about her partner and shit-stirring.
A counsellor has suggested I do send her a 'Thank you for everything, I'll miss you,' kinda message for closure, 'Once the dust has settled.' But could it do more harm than good? I just don't want to completely vanish without thanking her and telling her how much her warmth meant to me over the years, and how I will miss the family.
Anyway, thanks for reading, if you made it this far. It was cathartic to get it all down, if nothing else. But any advice people can give will be very much appreciated.
