Glad I found this site. New and nervous.

C

Crinkle Cut Cat

Member
Hello,

New here. Brand new to poly.

A little about me and my situation:

I am a late 40-something, legally separated, mother of two young adult children. I met the love of my life 2 1/2 years ago. It was instant chemistry, and we were inseparable from day one. We had so much in common. We talked for hours, we enjoyed each other‘s company, and we helped each other tremendously through some rough times while we were together.

About a year into the relationship, he told me he thought he was possibly poly. To be honest, I had no idea what that meant, and when he explained it to me, my heart sank.

He said he wasn’t sure, and that he was going to explore it internally, and research it more, but he strongly felt that he was. We continued on in our monogamous relationship, with him reassuring me that he loved me and did not want to separate from me , and I was the best thing that ever happened to him.

We had our ups and downs over the next few months, where, every now and then he would tell me that the more he deep-dived into figuring out who he was and researched poly, he was more convinced that he was indeed poly. In the same conversation, he would reassure me that he was in love with me, and did not want to lose me. This went on for another year.

He knew that I was not poly, and I would not be receptive to being in a poly relationship with him, so he stayed with me in a monogamous relationship. We even explored the possibility that he was avoidant-attachment style, as he was just coming out of a very bad divorce that hit him very hard when I met him.

A few weeks ago, it all came to a huge impasse, where he decided he couldn’t deny who he was any longer. He explained to me that poly was not a choice, but an orientation, and that, although he loves me to pieces, he can’t deny who he is any longer. He begged me to stay friends with him.

I was heartbroken. We separated for about five weeks, but we kept coming back to one another. We are like magnets and share a unique bond.

Finally, recently, I agreed to try a poly relationship with him. I had a lot of questions and a lot of concerns and a lot of boundaries. He listened to me, and he agreed to most of my rules, and the ones he didn’t agree with we negotiated.

We only agreed on this six days ago, and he already has a weekend getaway set up for next week with somebody he met while we were apart for those five weeks. I’m trying to be understanding and give it a go because I don’t wanna lose him from my life. But to be honest, this is extremely difficult for me. I am honest with my feelings with him. And he swears that he will be supportive and help me through everything.

Some of the rules we have in place are that I am his main, and that when we meet somebody, we let them know that we are one another’s priority, meaning, we get most of the time, and we also get special occasions like holidays and birthdays. Another rule we have in place is that we have to be very careful to make sure to the best of our abilities that we are not dating people that might know people that we know, and we don’t take people that we are dating to places that we usually frequent together as a couple. Of course, safety precautions all around. And open lines of communication always.

Again, this doesn’t come easy for me, and I am glad I found this group.

Thank you so much for reading!
 
Greetings Crinkle Cut Cat,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like poly is very new for you, and a little bit scary. You are trying your best to adapt, you have rules, now, to which both of you agree. Now you just have the challenge ahead of you, of getting used to this poly idea. Hopefully Polyamory.com will help you with that process.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Crinkle Cut Cat said:
He explained to me that poly was not a choice, but an orientation,
Click to expand...

That is indeed how many of us feel about polyamory. Some of us do feel it's our orientation in line with being queer, or perhaps sexually dominant. Others feel like it's a choice we made because we acknowledged some practical resonance with poly philosophy.

The way you speak here, it is as if you know it can't possibly be his orientation and he's just choosing this from some negative place.

Crinkle Cut Cat said:
we get most of the time,
Click to expand...

The reality is that if he is poly, it's very likely that he will develop attachments to other people and want to spend a chunk of his time with them.

On top of that, people have evolving needs and, just like he wants to bend himself a bit to ensure you stick around, he will want to do that for other partners, too. It's probably best not to make such promises.

Words like "priority" cause a problem. If you've had a bad day and his other girlfriend is in a medical emergency, do you still get priority? What does priority look like?

For some of us poly people, when we have had partners or metamours say that about priority, they actually meant that they want other people to be treated quite badly: short notice cancelling dates, and things like that, so you prove that you love your partner and they're a priority. So basically you need to treat other people badly to demonstrate your love and commitment to your partner.

My advice would be not to open until you've worked some of that out by talking and researching. It may be that you cannot reach a satisfactory compromise when you truly consider the reality of polyamory.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
That is indeed how many of us feel about polyamory. Some of us do feel it's our orientation in line with being queer or perhaps sexually dominant. Others feel like it's a choice they made because they acknowledged some practical resonance with poly philosophy.

The way you speak here is as if you know it can't possibly be his orientation and he's just choosing this from some negative place.



The reality is that if he is poly, it's very likely that he will.develop attachments to other people and want to spend a chunk of his time with them.

On top of that, people have evolving needs and just like he wants to bend himself a bit to ensure you stick around, he will want to do that for other partners, too. It's probably best not to make such promises.

Words like priority cause a problem - if you've had a bad day and his other girlfriend is in a medical emergency, do you still get priority? What does priority look like?

For some of us poly people, when we have had partners or metamours say that about priority, they actually meant that they want other people to be treated quite badly - short notice cancelling dates and things like that - so you prove that you love your partner and they're a priority. So basically you need to treat other people badly to demonstrate your love and commitment to your partner.

My advice would be not to open until you've worked some of that out by talking and researching. It may be that you cannot reach a satisfactory compromise when you truly consider the reality of polyamory.
Click to expand...
Hi. Thank you for the responses and very helpful info. I just wanted to say, as for the priority issues you mentioned, we discussed it. He explained hierarchical poly to me, and said that’s what we would practice. We discussed possible scenarios that would come up.

I look at it this way: we are engaging in a practice and courtesies that we would afford any friend, family member or loved one. If they really need us, we will be there. If they've exhausted all resources, we will be there. If this became a pattern, we would have to set boundaries. We realize this could become problematic, but we also agree that venturing into the poly lifestyle is going to be problematic, at least at the outset, if not continually. We are willing to try. I look forward to more feedback here. Thank you!
 
I went through something similar with my last ex. He wanted poly, but I didn't, really. I'd done it before, but it was fairly new to him. I was crazy about this guy, and despite my misgivings, gave in. The relationship negotiations were long and changed frequently. He had a secondary, on-and-off, the whole 3 years we were together. We started off with rules about me being primary, etc.

At one point, they ended things. But they got back together, and their NRE kicked in. I knew, I just knew, that eventually, he'd get to the point where he'd want to throw all our rules away, but it still felt awful when I realized I was no longer his top priority.

How did I know this would happen? Because I did the same thing a decade ago when I decided I wanted to open my marriage. I got so caught up in the shiny, sexy new person that I could not give due energy to my now-ex-husband's growing distress.

My advice-- make sure you're doing poly because YOU want to do poly, not because you want the dude and HE wants to do poly. Otherwise, there's a good chance he will want to move the goalposts at a later time to a place you don't want to go. Maybe consider it a short-term experiment for you, instead of committing to him, or to poly long-term. You'll learn what you can and cannot handle soon enough. I feel for you, it is hard when you feel so connected to a person who wants something different from what you want.
 
Thank you so much for your heartfelt reply. It has been an emotional rollercoaster last few months, as we fight to stay together, without compromising his needs. I decided it was worth the try so that we could stay together.

I see your points and they are completely valid. Those are indeed my fears as we continue with this: that the priorities and rules will almost definitely be re-examined and changed, and since I am not poly by nature, I will be the one struggling. I am not as averse to the idea as I was a year ago, or even a few months ago. I was adamant that I wanted a monogamous relationship, and he obliged. A few months ago, I decided to re examine it, did research and examined my fears. I’m not as trepidatious as I was.

I'm glad I found this site for advice and support.
 
Crinkle Cut Cat said:
Thank you so much for your heartfelt reply. It has been an emotional rollercoaster the last few months, as we fight to stay together, without compromising his needs. I decided it was worth the try so that we could stay together. I see your points and they are completely valid. Those are indeed my fears as we continue on this: that the priorities and rules will almost definitely be re-examined and changed, and since I am not poly by nature, I will be the one struggling. I am not as averse to the idea as I was a year ago, or even a few months ago. I was adamant that I wanted a monogamous relationship, and he obliged. A few months ago, I decided to re-examine it, did research and examined my fears. I’m not as trepidatious as I was. I'm glad I found this site for advice and support.
Click to expand...
In my experience (I wanted to try poly but had a ton of fears around it), it helped to date and connect with others. Having the personal experience of enjoying others and have it not change my feelings about my other partner was huge. Falling in love and having it have no effect on my feelings for my other partner was surreal. The act of being poly was eye-opening. Stuff didn’t magically go away. I'm still working on feelings when partners date and have sex, but it's way easier than it was before I had those experiences myself. The more they date, the more experience I get managing my feelings, and it does get easier over time.
 
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