Me time vs us time

C

Cougarwolf

Member
I got this from another group I am in and really liked it. So I got permission to share it

something that gets overlooked when transitioning from monogamy to polyamory. A monogamous couple tends to assume on an unconscious level time that isn't specifically planned for something else will be time spent together. In Polyamory that default doesn't work.
So if she hasn't scheduled a date with him and is hanging out with you at home, you're brain categorizes that as "Us time", so if she decides to leave and see him, you see it as she is ditching "us time" for "them time". ANd if your brain categorizes all time not otherwise claimed as "us time", that is going to happen a lot. You need to get away from that default assumption. Schedule date time with her (that date can be you two just hanging out), so that you know a given block of time is "us time". And otherwise try and reclassify not-date time as unclaimed time.


I know this has played into some of the troubles I have had, and definitely gave me and my wife something to talk about. Perhaps this can help others starting out and perhaps expanded upon.
 
What happens sometimes is that when you move over to this more scheduled time, it becomes frightfully obvious how little time you actually have.

See, if you want that scheduled time with your NP, it has to be time set aside from any other tasks like housework, meal planning (although cooking together can be quality time), childcare, etc.

A lot of couples find that the quality time they share with a nesting partner is actually fragmented with errands and responsibilities. Once they stop multitasking chores with couple-time, they find that actually they have very limited dating time for anyone, and only really enough for the spouse they already have.

They may have thought they have one evening a week for another partner. In reality, it's a few hours every couple of weeks subject to what comes up that week
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
What happens sometimes is that when you move over to this more scheduled time, it becomes frightfully obvious how little time you actually have.

See, if you want that scheduled time with your NP, it has to be time set aside from any other tasks like housework, meal planning (although cooking together can be quality time), childcare, etc.

A lot of couples find that the quality time they share with a nesting partner is actually fragmented with errands and responsibilities. Once they stop multitasking chores with couple-time, they find that actually they have very limited dating time for anyone, and only really enough for the spouse they already have.

They may have thought they have one evening a week for another partner. In reality, it's a few hours every couple of weeks subject to what comes up that week
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The issue I was having at the time was the person my wife was seeing (he has since ghosted her) was never knowing when the were getting together due to various things, and ended up with her getting a message that he was free and wanted to meet up and she would go to meet him. I find that like that person said, because nothing was planned, I assumed that automatically meant it was my time with her, when I had not accepted that might not be. This topic has produced some good conversations between my wife and myself and has helped me to work on some of my insecurities.
 
I find that like that person said, because nothing was planned, I assumed that automatically meant it was my time with her, when I had not accepted that might not be. This topic has produced some good conversations between my wife and myself and has helped me to work on some of my insecurities.
Click to expand...

I'm glad you and your wife are having good conversations as a result of your increasing self awareness.

You are correct. Her having some unscheduled time doesn't mean you get "dibs" and it becomes time spent with you on automatic. You having some unscheduled time doesn't mean she get "dibs" and it becomes time spent with her on automatic. People take their spouses for granted a lot. They don't even bother asking them out any more. They assume things. They need to actually ask to borrow stuff, rather than just taking it, etc.

Now that you have become aware that you should not assume that your wife's free time is automatically yours, see if you notice other people assuming things about YOUR time.

My spouse knows not to assume. But my friends, family, coworkers, and co-volunteers sometimes come at me with requests or assumptions, and are surprised when I decline and stick to my personal boundaries around my time management. I usually get, "But you aren't even doing anything that day!" like they think they are just entitled to my time/free time. Me doing my self-care, in the form of being alone, resting, and doing my hobbies, is not doing "nothing." It's how I recharge my batteries.

Galagirl
 
Scheduling also helps you see where you actually have or don’t have free time. If you schedule it all and there's no time left over, then you know you don’t have time for another partner.

If starting out in poly, while dating, you’ll also be able to tell them up front exactly how much time you can devote to a new relationship. Having everyone on the same page is really important. You might be able to skip some things, or move them around short term, but it cannot last long term, so knowing up front can prevent a ton of assumptions and misunderstandings.

Someone can want a long-term partnership that is only one day per week, while the other person sees long-term partnership as seeing each other more often and being more entwined. Clarifying this up front will prevent this.
 
Hi Cougarwolf,

Polyamory entails a lot more scheduling than monogamy. In my V we have a calendar that all three of us can access at any time. So I know when to expect me time, and when to expect us time (my partner and me).

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
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