New to all of this and need advice

[kat1316]

Hello,

My name is Kat (34). My husband (33) and I have been married for almost 11 years and have been together for 18 years. We are both our first and onlys.

We have become very good friends with a woman (26). He randomly told me he was falling in love with her. But he is still very in love with me. So he did some research. He wants to be poly and be in a V relationship. I was very hesitant at first.

He told me over and over again that it would never be sexual, since the girlfriend is very asexual. I was completely fine with him having a relationship with her without sex.

We were all hanging out and I went to the bathroom and I walked out and witnessed them kissing. They didn't know I saw, but they heard me walking. They acted like nothing happened. Eventually she went to the bathroom. I said to my husband, what the heck was that? He played dumb. I said, I saw everything. Then he was like, that was the first time that happened.

In that moment, I felt like he cheated on me. She left. I said I don't want to do this anymore. He told me he didn't want to do that ever again.

I talked to the girlfriend. (She had become my best friend.) She told me she doesn't know why she did it and she didn't feel right about it and never wanted to do that again. The next day we had a relationship meeting and I talked about boundaries. I told them both I never signed up for a sister-wife situation. They told me that that would never happen and they would never be sexual.

I'm not kidding you. 3 weeks later, we were all hanging out in our basement. I was very tired, so I went to bed. I woke up a couple hours later and my husband wasn't in bed. So I texted him. No response. I texted the girlfriend. No response. I walked to the basement and there were clothes all over the place and they both were laying there naked sleeping. I woke my husband up and then I walked back up to my bedroom.

My heart fell to my stomach and I wanted to die. How could they both betray me like that?

When my husband came upstairs I was so full of rage I wanted to punch him and her in the face. I ran to catch her. I talked to her in the house so we could all talk. I was suffering from pretty bad anxiety, so I wanted to know every detail. How it start? How did you fall asleep? Did you even think of me?

I seriously wanted to die in that moment. We ended that night not really figuring anything out. I went through a pretty bad depression for a good week. Everyone noticed I wasn't myself.

My husband told me that in that moment he was sexually attracted to her and he wanted to continue the sexual relationship. I don't want to lose him or her. I do love them very much. But they broke boundaries with me without even talking to me about it. I feel like I don't want to be in this relationship and I'm the only one doing the work. My world has been flipped upside down. I went from spending all of my time with my husband to now having to share him.

I don't have really anyone to talk to about this. My husband wants me to talk to him, but I can't. I just need advice! Please help me!!!

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Kat,

It sounds like this woman and your husband got carried away, and did things without your consent. I'm not surprised, NRE is a powerful drug and it influences us to do things that are not considerate toward our original partner. I suspect that they were not being honest with you when they said there was nothing sexual there. But I could be wrong. Maybe they sincerely thought they would never be sexual with each other, but then the feelings caught them unawares.

Your husband is now telling you that he wants to continue the sexual relationship with her. He seems determined to move forward with that plan. You have to figure out whether you can consent to this, and whether this is a deal breaker for you. I don't know if it's possible to break up an eleven-year marriage (18 years together), but if it is possible, you might want to consider it. I don't know if it's possible for you to just be okay with what your husband's doing. Do you even want to be okay with that?

Polyamory is okay -- if it is done with mutual consent. In this case, your husband didn't even consult you, and the woman is following his lead. You'll have to figure out if you can (if you even want to) consent to this arrangement. Your husband keeps moving the goalposts without consulting you. He's likely to do some more of that in the future, so you may not even know what you are really consenting to. I do not think your husband and the woman are practicing ethical polyamory. However, you can still fit yourself to the mold he has laid out for you, if you so choose and want to do.

You are caught in a terrible situation. I don't envy you.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry this happened this way.

He wants to be poly and be in a V relationship. I was very hesitant at first. He told me over and over again that it would never be sexual, since the girlfriend is very asexual. I'm completely fine with him having a relationship with her without sex.

Like a friendship?

I felt like he cheated on me. She left. I said I don't want to do this anymore.

Well, if you were expecting friendship, kissing on the mouth is not usually friend behavior, to me.

He told he didn't want to do that ever again. I talked to the girlfriend. (She has now become my best friend.) She told me she doesn't know why she did it and she didn't feel right about it and never wanted to do that again. The next day we had a relationship meeting and I talked about boundaries. I told them both I never signed up for a sister-wife situation. They told me that that would never happen and they would never be sexual.

This is clear then. They both know you don't want to be in a poly V and they both promised not to do anything ever again.

I walked to the basement and there were clothes all over the place and they both were lying there naked sleeping. I woke my husband up and then I walked back up to my bedroom. My heart fell to my stomach and I wanted to die. How could they both betray me like that?

They both cheated on the agreement by sharing sex in the basement.

I think you could quit being her friend, and then tell husband this was cheating on agreements. You do not want to be in a poly V. I don't know if you want to see a couples counselor and have a trial separation to see if you can repair from infidelity, or if this is just a total dealbreaker and you want to talk to a lawyer about a divorce.

I don't suggest making rash decisions while upset, but this sounds pretty big. It cannot be "life as usual." I think while figuring it out, you two could move into separate bedrooms. Maybe he moves to the basement, or goes to stay with relatives or a friend.

My husband told me that in that moment he was sexually attracted to her and he wanted to continue the sexual relationship.

In a trial separation, you could date or not date other people, as you want. He could date or not date other people, as he wants. You both could attend couples counseling to see if this can be reconciled or if you are best divorced. Or you could go right to divorce.

But if you are FIRM that you don't want to be in a poly V, don't be in one.

I don't want to lose him or her. I do love them very much. But they broke boundaries with me without even talking about it. I feel like I don't want to be in this relationship. I'm the only one doing the work.

Yes, it sucks. You did nothing wrong, and now you have to deal in all this drama because of their poor behavior and their breaking promises.

I see you don't want to end it with either one, or lose either one. But I don't think you want to lose YOURSELF either -- going along with stuff you don't really want and piling on MORE hurts.

You do NOT have to agree to be in a poly V with husband and this person.

After all, if you did want to poly-date, you could do a trial separation and date OTHER people people who aren't cheaters, people who don't come with all this mess, people who CAN keep their word. If you wouldn't pick a cheater to date before, why would you pick one NOW?

My world has been flipped upside down.

Yes. Right now your world HAS be turned upside down.

My husband wants me to talk to him, but I can't. I just need advice! Please help me!!!

You could tell him you aren't ready to talk right now. You prefer to wait until you have seen a counselor.

I think you could see a counselor on your own to help you process all that has happened in individual counseling. Then decide if you want to do couples counseling, a trial separation, or go right to divorce.

It's okay for you to have your dealbreaker line. You do NOT have to be involved in a poly V with these people.

But it really, really stinks that they did this and this happened this way. None of this is ethical polyamory. Don't let him whitewash his cheating affair with the poly brush to assuage his guilt. Don't let either one of them railroad you into poly stuff you do not want.

This was NOT what you signed up in your marriage vows, from the sound of it. So, no, even if he wants to make up and change to a new deal, you are NOT obligated to sign up for it. You don't have to do any poly with him that you do not want to do. How would you even know they could keep new poly agreements? They didn't even keep these.

There is nothing wrong with wanting monogamy. There's also nothing wrong with wanting ETHICAL polyamory and choosing to do it with other people, NOT THEM. Right now, this is a cheating affair that is out in the open. You might consider seeking help on infidelity boards.

I imagine this feels terrible, right there in your own home, in the basement, with you upstairs. Ugh. I'm so sorry this happened like this.

Galagirl

 

[kat1316]

Hello Kat,

It sounds like this woman and your husband got carried away, and did things without your consent. I'm not surprised. NRE is a powerful drug and it influences us to do things that are not considerate toward our original partner. I suspect that they were not being honest with you when they said there was nothing sexual there. But I could be wrong. Maybe they sincerely thought they would never be sexual with each other, but then the feelings caught them unawares. Your husband is now telling you that he wants to continue the sexual relationship with her. He seems determined to move forward with that plan. You have to figure out whether you can consent to this, and whether this is a dealbreaker for you. I don't know if it's possible to break up an eleven-year marriage (18 years together), but if it is possible, you might want to consider it. I don't know if it's possible for you to just be okay with what your husband's doing. Do you even want to be okay with that?

Polyamory is okay -- if it is done with mutual consent. In this case, your husband didn't even consult you, and the woman is following his lead. You'll have to figure out if you can (if you even want to) consent to this arrangement. Your husband keeps moving the goalposts without consulting you. He's likely to do some more of that in the future, so you may not even know what you are really consenting to. They are not practicing ethical polyamory. However, you can still fit yourself to the mold he has laid out for you, if you so choose and want to.

I have an update. In my gut I felt like they both have been lying and have been hiding stuff from me, so while he was sleeping,I looked at his phone. I read their messages. There wasn't really anything there.

Then I checked his WhatsApp. They have been communicating there. My husband would tell her that he wishes he was sleeping with her and not me. And a bunch of other stuff that killed me.

So I woke him up and literally he yelled about how he doesn't have privacy. I told him privacy is earned and he hasn't done anything to earn privacy.

He pretty much told me we was leaving me for her. I think this whole time his goal was to leave me. I'm completely heartbroken. He left his whole family and has refused to get help. Now I'm completely lost.

 

[LoveBunny]

I'm so sorry that's happened. He was trying to do a "soft exit" from your marriage into his new r'ship. That has nothing to do with him being polyamorous. Were you aware there were problems in the marriage, or are you feeling blindsided?

At least, now you can do what needs to be done. Get moved out (or get him moved out.) Divorce. Heal.

You do not ever have to talk to her again. Don't! She's not your friend, hon.

Eventually, you can do the same with him, once your ducks are in a row.

Again, I'm so sorry. Whatever you do, for your own emotional well-being, do not in any way try to change this situation. Get yourself out safely, with dignity, as if you're riding off in to the sunset on your own beautiful white horse.

If it's any consolation, many of us have been where you are, and have survived, and thrived.

 

[ref2018]

It's always the people who are cheating who get soooo upset when their "privacy" is "violated," as if the invasion of their privacy cancels out the deception that caused their privacy to be invaded in the first place. Give me a fucking break. The only time you owe them an apology is if you invaded their privacy and found out they are *not* cheating. I can't think of a single post where someone writes "I checked his/her phone and didn't find *anything*."

 

[GalaGirl]

So I woke him up and literally he yelled about how he doesn't have privacy. I told him privacy is earned and he hasn't done anything to earn privacy.

He pretty much told me we was leaving me for her. I think this whole time his goal was to leave me. I'm completely heartbroken. He left his whole family and has refused to get help. Now I'm completely lost.

Sigh... Peeking in his phone and violating his privacy was not okay. Then waking him up in the night was not okay. But I get why you did it. You are upset and struggling.

Him yelling at you is not okay either. But then he's been having a cheating affair that provoked you into these other behaviors. What did he THINK you were going to do/feel? This is all very painful.

Please don't get sucked into side quest things. Let all that phone stuff go.

Please don't share a bed/bedroom right now.

Get back to the topic at hand -- the state of the marriage.

He pretty much told me we was leaving me for her. I think this whole time his goal was to leave me. I'm completely heartbroken. He left his whole family and has refused to get help. Now I'm completely lost.

Did he mean that? Or are you two both angry and saying stuff in the heat of the moment?

Would you even want him anymore? Do you want to do the work of reconciliation and healing from infidelity, or not really? Are you simply hurt and upset over how this all went down?

I encourage you to STOP interacting with him, if interactions just lead to more upsets. Take a time out so you can cool off some and pull yourself together.

If he's going at things all hotheaded, or had plans all along, you need to protect your finances/assets before he just ups and clean you out.

Talk to a lawyer and a counselor, people OUTSIDE the system, people who can help you.

If you don't already have separate banking, go open a new checking account for just you and move half of everything in joint into it. Whatever future paychecks you earn, have them go THERE.

It takes two people going to the bank to close it or change names on it. It only takes one to withdraw all funds and leave nothing. So take half. That is fair. You both need money to live on during a separation or divorce.

The rest of the big things, like debts/assets, can be sorted out later with lawyer or mediation. But take care of canceling anything in your name so he can't do "revenge" things like running up joint credit cards and leaving you to pay it, or canceling your phone, or shutting off the power because those things are in his name.

Get your basics sorted and be sure they are in your own name, because if you need to talk to lawyers and organize stuff, you need your phone, you need power for the computer/charging the phone, you need your initial banking to be all set.

If you have close and trusted family and friends, talk to them about what is happening. If you are not ready to do that, that's okay too. But at least talk to professionals.

I'm sorry this is happening like this.

Galagirl