In a new setting, how can I explain to a potential partner that I am poly?

K

KiKo

New member
Hello,

I am new to this forum, but not entirely new to polyamory. I've tried a poly relationship before. I was long-distance with someone, but he changed his mind and we broke up when I started seeing someone closer to home. I am still friends with the original guy and I've been monogamous with the second one (I'll call him Cal) for a little over a year. We "broke up" when I left for college in the fall. I'm very young, I know, but we're still very close, both emotionally and physically, when I visit him. (We are in different states.) We essentially agreed to an open relationship and have had casual encounters with other people. He supports my seeking a new relationship and accepts my being poly.

I recently met a guy with whom I am becoming very close very quickly, and after a shared intimate moment (no sexual contact), I feel he may be interested in a relationship, and I would definitely like to pursue that.

Problem: how do I broach the subject of polyamory? I know I am young, but I am very honest, open, and have excellent communication skills. I know myself well enough to know I can make this work. I am also not in the least bit jealous. How do I present this idea to a guy I am almost certain wants to be with me without hurting his feelings or ruining what could otherwise be a good relationship, or even just friendship?

He's also my coworker, so this could potentially get very awkward.
 
KiKo said:
How do I broach the subject of polyamory? I know I am young, but I am very honest, open, and have excellent communication skills. I know myself well enough to know I can make this work. I am also not in the least bit jealous. How do I present this idea to a guy I am almost certain wants to be with me without hurting his feelings, or ruining what could otherwise be a good relationship or even just friendship?

He's also my coworker so this could potentially get very awkward.
Click to expand...

Let me start with the last question first... not only awkward, but potentially a disaster. I don't know a lot of people that can make that work. I know more that were together first, and then became co-workers.

I have a "no after work socializing" rule, unless I am socializing with all or a few of my co-workers, that is. I just keep my life separated from work as much as I can, without it looking like I don't trust my co-workers. We are good work friends, but would never make good real friends. There is maybe one I would stay in touch with if I didn't work there anymore. I guess I have had too many experiences of work friends becoming my managers and stuff to make it worthwhile.

In terms of telling him, I would just tell him, before any date comes up or expression of interest in dating. That way he can think about it on his own terms and can approach you positively if he is interested. It also helps friendships stay together when there is some space before someone knows who could be potentially dateable at some point.
 
The last bit sounds like what I want to do. I'm just not sure how to explain to him in a sensitive way that I am polyamorous, without making the wrong impression. Because we only met less than two months ago, and have only been working together a couple weeks, I don't know how to judge his state of mind.

About the fact that we work together-- this is not actually a major issue. I just added it as an afterthought. This is my first job in college, working for my college. It's not my career. And he will be graduating next year, regardless. If things go wrong between us, we can easily choose shifts when we will never see each other. There is no way he will be in any significant position of authority over me. My last boyfriend and I met at work, as well. As a student, my interpersonal relationships at work are no where near as serious. Most of my coworkers get drunk together on a regular basis.

Thank you, though! :)
 
While I don't have a "don't play at work" rule, I do try to avoid it. It makes things difficult, no matter how much of an adult you are.

It's also tough, if you work 8 to 10 hours a day, you can in fact see co-workers more than lovers. Its easy to build a rapport with co-workers. I have been involved a few times with co-workers. It's only gotten bad with one, but that was all on me. I could not control my feelings at times. Very unprofessional. I am very social with co-workers in general. so I intermix a lot.

You could simply lay it on the table. "I am interested in you and my boyfriend approves," or something like that. Might as well do it while there is interest and not hide it. If interest continues, then you might have something. :)
 
I think if it were me, I would either wait for a moment when I feel confident that he is to be trusted, or just do it. I have said, in the past, to new co-workers, "Just so you know, I identify as polyamorous. This is what that means to me. I wanted you to know just in case you see me or my husband out with other people and think we are cheating. If you ever want to ask questions or talk about it with me, I would be open to that." Then I've let some silence occur, in case they want to say something, and if a conversation doesn't start, then I move on to another subject. Usually they thank me for telling them, say it's interesting, relate a personal story, and that's it.

I think approaching it in terms of a co-worker first might be your best bet so as to not freak him out about your feelings for him. Later, if he shows interest, and you've had enough evidence that he is interested in you, you could bring up the possibility of more with him.
 
Thanks all, but I'm not sure if these things apply.

Ariakas (awesome name, btw), I work a grand total of five hours a week, two of them with him. I don't really think it would make sense for me to announce to my coworkers I am polyamorous. Also, my coworkers are mostly male, and I only work with one person at a time.

I am pretty certain he is interested in me. He visited my dorm at 3 in the morning and we cuddled. This is why I feel the need to tell him as soon as possible. That's not something that I would consider acceptable with someone if I were in a monogamous relationship, so I feel like I am signaling that I am single in the "conventional' sense.

I like the idea of telling him my boyfriend approves of him, but that seems too much like dropping a bomb in his lap. Also he's been rather shy with me, blushing, not meeting my eye, getting distracted, texting me when he was tipsy enough to be willing to walk over to see me in the middle of the night.

College students may be adults, but that doesn't guys aren't emotionally delicate. :(

Any ideas on how to bring up poly/having a boyfriend that are a little more... subtle? I am far too frank, which is great for communication, until it comes to breaking news like this.
 
Honestly, if frankness is your personal tendency, why deviate?

It's not as scary as you think. Whenever I meet someone that I would consider dating, I tell them ASAP that I'm in an open marriage. It's not fair to let someone develop feelings for you thinking you're single.

You've already shared some intimate moments. I'm not sure what you're so worried about. He has feelings, of course, everyone does. But it's not like you're telling him he's defective or something. This news is about YOU.

If you're still nervous, feel him out with the old "I have a friend" trick and see what he thinks about the idea of polyamory. Shit, if he's a senior in college, I'm sure he'll think that's great! You're offering to let him have his cake and eat it too.

But do it soon! The longer you wait, the more it's going to look like you were deliberately hiding it from him and being dishonest. And that won't be a good way to start a relationship...
 
I'm not sure if you were talking to Ari or me, but I am not suggesting you come out to all your co-workers. Confused a bit there.

The story helped. It's hard to get a grasp on what is going on for you without it, for me.

Maybe a conversation that is along the lines of, "I have some good news and some bad news," followed by, "I want to be sure that you know that nothing for me has changed and that I like you very much." Then tell him you have a boyfriend, and that you are poly, and this is what that means to you, and what it means to your boyfriend, and what it could possibly mean to him, if he should decide to get involved with you.
 
Yeah, I had no idea what that was, and I realize I'm in a peculiar situation. I didn't want to wax on.

SchrodingersCat, I agree with you completely. I'm not so much nervous as I am trying to be considerate of his feelings because I can be a little... imposing.

Redpepper, that sounds great. I'll try that!

Thanks all. :) Now here's hoping we actually have a conversation soon so I can explain.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top