Yes he has proven untrustworthy. I think he is too comfortable in stringing me along in the relationship. And like others are saying, why would he want to end things with me when he is getting everything he wants and some on the side.
Half open, with lies
- Thread starter JenW88
- Start date
Yes he has proven untrustworthy. I think he is too comfortable in stringing me along in the relationship. And like others are saying, why would he want to end things with me when he is getting everything he wants and some on the side.
We were together for a little over 2 years before we got married. It's an ex-girlfriend; they broke up something like 10 years ago. Sometimes I wonder if he has many emotions, to be honest.
And I'm already in the mindset of how stupid I am. I hate this so much.
I appreciate the frank opinions so much. We have been communicating a lot but I don't know how much will really change. I think counseling would help and I will look into it for me whether or not he chooses to go. My self confidence is so shaken right now.I’m aware you’re getting some very frank opinions from us on this forum. Just to also say ‘sorry that you’re in pain and in a quandary’. If you set clear boundaries now and expect them to be respected, you may find a way through. If you don’t, you risk being hurt now, hurt while his affair goes on, then hurt again in the inevitable fallout.
I hear that you felt even closer and the sex was spicier when you were discussing opening up with him, but what you weren’t to know was that you were just feeding into giving him licence to explore sex with his ex. Sure, that was exciting for him.
Try to untangle the emotions from the facts of the matter. If he wants your marriage as much as you do, he will be as equally prepared to communicate (at this stage with counselling would be a good move); if he wants true poly he has to consider what you want to and agree not be to be possessive (even if you don’t chose to act on it). Stand your ground, and use us as a sounding board if it helps. Good luck
That relationship is
not healthy. It's all drama which is what he seems to be into. He's always been about shaking things up while we've been together. I like the idea of setting a date in my head. Thank you for that and all of your help.I'm sorry this is happening like this. It sounds very painful. 
He lied and was not honest. It is non-negotiable. You are out. You are allowed to have your dealbreakers. So follow through.
You don't have to get over them right now. That can come later over time, and you could work with a counselor to help you process all that happened.
Right now you have to enforce your personal boundary that lies are NOT acceptable.
If someone cheated on their open/poly agreements, it is reasonable that their partner(s) would dump them for behaving poorly towards them. Open/poly doesn't mean good manners and basic respect just fly out the window! People can and should have their dealbreakers.
They work like any other relationships do. Some are healthy. Some are not healthy. Some are respectful. Some are not respectful.
Usually, in ethical open/poly, all participants are aware and consent to be in it like this. You don't have that here. It's run-of-the-mill cheating, with her husband in the dark and you knowing about the affair, but she doesn't know you know.
I don't know what you husband is thinking. NONE of his behavior is loving and kind.
I think he's telling you "whatever" in the moment, so you'll stay. This might be a great deal for him -- the wife at home being his life manager while he messes about with other people, and you staying loyal to him and not having other partners, unless it's in the context of a threesome with him for his benefit/enjoyment/entertainment. I do NOT see how that is a great deal for YOU though.
"Open" or "poly" relationships are not magic. People sometimes cheat on their open and their poly agreements. Is not the "relationship shape" that keeps it on the level and honest. It's the character of the PEOPLE, same as in monogamy. Monogamy is not "cheater proof" just because it's a monogamous shape and supposed to be just two people. People cheat on their monogamous agreements sometimes.
Here, you basically have a husband who wants it open for him and not for you, railroaded you into that, and is now cheating. That's just not nice, kind, loving, or respectful.
You aren't stupid. I'm sure he had his good points. But if that was "old him" in the past, and this "new him" is just ugh, you can't hang around here hoping "old him" might come back. You have to deal with the "new him" in front of you.
If you prefer monogamy, there's nothing wrong with wanting healthy monogamy for yourself. He doesn't make the cut for that when measured against your personal standards TODAY.
If YOU want to do healthy open or healthy poly relationships, you could pick better quality partners than THIS to do it with, right? He doesn't make the cut for that when measured against your personal standards TODAY.
Maybe these would help you:
www.scarleteen.com
If you want more peaceful living, but he's all about "chasing drama" and "shaking things up," on top of all these poor behaviors, I think you could think about dropping him.
It stinks to think about a divorce, but I think you kind of have to here. This is NOT a healthy relationship for you to be, in if he's treating you like this.
Your confidence in HIM is shaken, and rightly so. He's done some trust-breaking things and really poor behaviors.
This isn't about you not being enough for him. It's about him failing to do loving/kind behaviors towards YOU as his spouse.
You have inherent worth, value, and dignity. You deserve way better treatment.
Galagirl
He lied and was not honest. It is non-negotiable. You are out. You are allowed to have your dealbreakers. So follow through.
You don't have to get over them right now. That can come later over time, and you could work with a counselor to help you process all that happened.
Right now you have to enforce your personal boundary that lies are NOT acceptable.
You don't have to accept it. It's okay to end things with him if his behavior is unacceptable.
If someone cheated on their open/poly agreements, it is reasonable that their partner(s) would dump them for behaving poorly towards them. Open/poly doesn't mean good manners and basic respect just fly out the window! People can and should have their dealbreakers.
They work like any other relationships do. Some are healthy. Some are not healthy. Some are respectful. Some are not respectful.
Usually, in ethical open/poly, all participants are aware and consent to be in it like this. You don't have that here. It's run-of-the-mill cheating, with her husband in the dark and you knowing about the affair, but she doesn't know you know.
I don't know what you husband is thinking. NONE of his behavior is loving and kind.
I think he's telling you "whatever" in the moment, so you'll stay. This might be a great deal for him -- the wife at home being his life manager while he messes about with other people, and you staying loyal to him and not having other partners, unless it's in the context of a threesome with him for his benefit/enjoyment/entertainment. I do NOT see how that is a great deal for YOU though.
"Open" or "poly" relationships are not magic. People sometimes cheat on their open and their poly agreements. Is not the "relationship shape" that keeps it on the level and honest. It's the character of the PEOPLE, same as in monogamy. Monogamy is not "cheater proof" just because it's a monogamous shape and supposed to be just two people. People cheat on their monogamous agreements sometimes.
Here, you basically have a husband who wants it open for him and not for you, railroaded you into that, and is now cheating. That's just not nice, kind, loving, or respectful.
You aren't stupid. I'm sure he had his good points. But if that was "old him" in the past, and this "new him" is just ugh, you can't hang around here hoping "old him" might come back. You have to deal with the "new him" in front of you.
If you prefer monogamy, there's nothing wrong with wanting healthy monogamy for yourself. He doesn't make the cut for that when measured against your personal standards TODAY.
If YOU want to do healthy open or healthy poly relationships, you could pick better quality partners than THIS to do it with, right? He doesn't make the cut for that when measured against your personal standards TODAY.
Maybe these would help you:
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don’t know how to work through, or don’t even know if you should? We’ll talk you through making these choices, including how-to’s on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.
If you want more peaceful living, but he's all about "chasing drama" and "shaking things up," on top of all these poor behaviors, I think you could think about dropping him.
It stinks to think about a divorce, but I think you kind of have to here. This is NOT a healthy relationship for you to be, in if he's treating you like this.
Your confidence in HIM is shaken, and rightly so. He's done some trust-breaking things and really poor behaviors.
This isn't about you not being enough for him. It's about him failing to do loving/kind behaviors towards YOU as his spouse.
You have inherent worth, value, and dignity. You deserve way better treatment.
Galagirl
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Why would you even agree to something like that? He agrees it is unfair to you... and he is ok with that. How do YOU feel knowing that?
Plus, it could be both things-- he is possessive over your body (which is gross, your body belongs to YOU, not him), AND he wants things one-sided because he wants all your attention on him. He doesn't want you dating new people and discovering that there are better relationships out there to be had than the one you have here with him, partners who'd treat you better than THIS. Then you might raise the bar in your expectations for how you want to be treated in a relationship and go asking him to level up and change. And he doesn't want to.
He is okay with how it is, an arrangement where he gets most of the receiving-- you loyal to him, doing all this work, and him getting your services, plus other partners doing whatever for him.
Galagirl
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I'm sorry you are going through this. You deserve someone who truly values you.
Bobbi
Well-known member
So he's cheating, she's cheating and now you are supporting all the cheating? Lots of cheaters in this story.
Relationships are based on trust. There's no trust here. It will end and it won't be pretty the longer it goes on.
Bobbi
Well-known member
Don't think this! You aren't stupid! You have been taken advantage of by someone you love very much. It happens to the best of us. What has happened, happened. Now it's time to focus on what you can do moving forward. How do you want to be treated? What does a healthy relationship look like to you? What will it take to get there?
Openbook23
Active member
Others have already said this, but this isn't polyamory. It's not even ENM. It's missing the E. It's just cheating, and you want to get over the fact that he's cheating and is (apparently) still hung up on his ex. I won't ask why, because you have your reasons, I'm sure, and as you can see, most people here are not going to sympathize because it reads like you are putting his needs above your own (and others).
Forgiving cheating is possible, of course, but it's a therapy thing, not an open relationship thing. Those of us in open relationships don't believe in cheating. For many, it's why they opened up (they wanted to be with others, but NOT to cheat). There is a lot to unpack in your story and a LOT of red flags. Are you sure you want to be in a relationship where your partner is being this selfish? It's possible the answer is yes, but it's pretty rare that this kind of thing gets better, especially if (as it seems), he doesn't really think he's doing anything wrong.
I'm also sorry this is happening. You deserve better, and I hope you get better, whatever that means for you.