Mechanics, dynamics, logistics. How do you embrace the maze?

[Magdlyn]

I will look up these threads. I wonder what trait dimension they have. I am just going to assume the first one is more extraversion and the latter introversion.

All with their own living space. Myself, I have four floors, so each could have their own floor. But my partners rarely overlap. It only happened a handful of times that I had to host them at the same time.

You live in a house with four floors, and a child that is there part time. Lots of room!

Magnet and La Boucle have their family home for general stuff and an apartment for private dates.

Magnet and La Boucle are a couple and you have a relationship with both?

I'll go to hotel only if my kid is home and I need ultimate privacy, but I'm usually kid free two weekends a month. We fall under garden party poly.


In this case you were both hosting, right?

Yes, we were both newly single and had our own apartments. I have three kids, but at the time only the youngest, my son, who was 16, was living either with me or with his dad, who also had his own apartment. (He lived with me at first, after I'd separated from his dad, but after a year or so, decided to move in with his dad, who had a live-in gf.) My son got along really well with my gf. There was a "great room" (kitchen/living/dining room) separating my bedroom from his bedroom, and both bedrooms has their own bathrooms, so there was enough privacy to make everyone comfortable.

No. I made the thread based on a conversation I had with solo poly and heteronormative-ish friends that had some dilemmas with their hosting and they mentioned there was a recurring theme in some dynamics, so I'm just trying to understand where it could stem from, but I see every situation is very different and unique.

I'm not sure if these friends are people you know from reddit, but I have heard that the reddit poly forum has established these ideas about how poly is and should be, and what qualifies as "true poly" and what doesn't, etc., which don't actually reflect reality.

 

[moiandre]

Our Poly journey is quite new - but we got onto the same page quite quickly because my partner and I have 4 kids, all dating with partners. We have not come out to them, or our larger friends and family.
So hosting happens at hotels, or at our girlfriends home.
When there sleeping arrangements are coordinated to be single, threes or two's based on how we feel. We all sleep better if it isn't three in a bed!
Fortunately she has a 3 bedroom house, no kids or other partners.

Hope that helps

 

[LaminarFlow]

You live in a house with four floors, and a child that is there part time. Lots of room!

It's quite common in my country to have at least two/three floors. So yeah, I don't mind hosting.

Magnet and La Boucle are a couple and you have a relationship with both?

They are, but with a lot of autonomy, I date them separately.

Yes, we were both newly single and had our own apartments. I have three kids, but at the time only the youngest, my son, who was 16, was living either with me or with his dad, who also had his own apartment. (He lived with me at first, after I'd separated from his dad, but after a year or so, decided to move in with his dad, who had a live-in gf.) My son got along great with my gf and there was a great room separating my bedroom from his bedroom, so there was enough privacy to make everyone comfortable.

Okay.

I'm not sure if these friends are people you know from reddit, but I have heard that the reddit poly forum has established these ideas about how poly is and should be, and what qualifies as "true poly" and what doesn't, etc., which don't actually reflect reality.

Why would you assume that? I don't roam there. They're just normal people I hangout with. I'm only here to share perspectives and experiences, so who I am I to tell that what they are doing is not "true poly." I can only share what polyamory means to ME and what it feels like to THEM based on their observations and encounters. And mainly the conversation with them went like this: that for a long term relationship to flourish, there needs to be some form of shared responsibility in hosting depending on dynamics.
But we've already established in this thread that there will be less depth and longevity if you are going to have hotel-dates only for example.

 

[LaminarFlow]

I live in Hawaii, which is expensive as hell, and hotels run $300+ per night. Nobody here has an extra room, and if they do, it's rented out. When I started on my poly journey with my husband, we had a "don't bring anyone home" rule, mainly because I'd had a bad experience in the past with a girlfriend of an ex while we were still living together.

Yes, this is normal. You were still figuring things out.

This meant hubby was having sex in cars in hidden backwoods areas. I was fortunate to find a partner who had his own place. NP trying to find ANY woman to date, mono or poly, who had her own place was impossible. Women mostly lived with their parents (3 generations in a home is the norm here), with some military having roommates. Everyone he met had complicated living situations so they could never go there.

That rule got changed within a few months. I couldn't stomach him having to date the way he was. It was disrespectful to him and the women he was dating. He moved into the second bedroom of our tiny condo and we each got locks for our bedroom doors, set some house rules (nobody is to be in our home without one of us present, and never bring someone home on the first date) and never looked back.

Exactly! This is one of those situations where you just feel it isn't loving and respectful poly, right? You would want someone you care for to have dates in a safe and secure space, especially if you want them to have something long term.

He gives me a heads-up when he will have company and I let him know if I'll be here or not. Neither of us change our lives because of a guest. He can have a guest, fuck as much as they want, as long as they get that I'm not leaving and can hear it all. So if they want complete privacy then they can date on the evenings I'm gone to be with my LP.

I don't think anyone should change their lives, but by default opening up a relationship will change your life nonetheless. And in this case you felt responsible to host at home.

I pretty much host LP during the summer, so he pretty much lives here. During the school year, I go to his place.

We have TVs in all the rooms, so if NP wants living room time with a partner, I just go into my room. But if I want food I'll still go where I want. It's not the best arrangement, but it works for us, and so far, nobody has complained about it. It took getting used to at first, just as poly did, but now it's just no big deal.

Seems like a very good rotation to me. Just like what you would have if you were living with multiple roommates.

 

[LaminarFlow]

Our Poly journey is quite new - but we got onto the same page quite quickly because my partner and I have 4 kids, all dating with partners. We have not come out to them, or our larger friends and family.
So hosting happens at hotels, or at our girlfriends home.
When there sleeping arrangements are coordinated to be single, threes or two's based on how we feel. We all sleep better if it isn't three in a bed!
Fortunately she has a 3 bedroom house, no kids or other partners.

Hope that helps

Welcome moiandre!
Glad you found your footing quickly and have fun on your journey. This helps a lot and keep me posted

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

depth and longevity

The thing I don't think I've said, which is key, is that I think at some point, depth and longevity can stop being primary objectives for a person. And it's funny because you find that your relationships do tend to last longer and are deeper when that occurs. I don't think it is something you can control though. It comes with stability and fulfillment with what you have. If, for instance, I was still in some relationships that I had previously, I'd still be in the mindset of needing to secure that base of relationships that are long, deep and most importantly, right.

 

[Magdlyn]

It's quite common in my country to have at least two/three floors. So yeah, I don't mind hosting.

They are, but with a lot of autonomy, I date them separately.



Why would you assume that? I don't roam there. They're just normal people I hang out with.

I didn't assume that. I said, "I'm not sure if... [you heard that on reddit.]" It was more of a question and you were free to correct me.

I'm only here to share perspectives and experiences, so who I am I to tell that what they are doing is not "true poly"?

Apparently redditors on their poly board do tell people what is and is not "true poly." I don't go there, but others have reported that. It sounds annoying.

There's no true poly, in regards to hosting or anything else. There is ethical poly and there is cheating. There is successful poly and there are train wrecks. There is deep abiding love, and there are friends for a reason or a season. There's hetero poly, there are queers practicing poly, there are asexuals who ID as poly. Etc.

I feel like you brought up the topic of shared responsibility of hosting to imply if you cannot or will not host, you won't be doing ethical or successful poly. (Again, feel free to correct me.) There's this concept in poly that you can be fair without being equal, regarding the varying needs and limitations of each partner.

My bf rarely hosts me because he lives with his brother and two male cousins, there's only one bathroom, and there just isn't much privacy. I've got a whole empty house.

I can only share what polyamory means to ME and what it feels like to THEM, based on their observations and encounters. And mainly the conversation with them went like this: that for a long term relationship to flourish, there needs to be some form of shared responsibility in hosting depending on dynamics.
But we've already established in this thread that there will be less depth and longevity if you are going to have hotel-dates only, for example.

I am not sure who "they" are, how comprehensive or typical you and their experiences are. And I am not sure a handful of posters have "established" anything much, at least yet. We've shared examples of how we host. We've shared feelings, but I don't know what poly, in general, or in terms of hosting, really "means" to you.

You are lucky, and probably wealthy, to share a four floor home with one kid, who is only there part time. I don't think your generous accommodations are common.

 

[LaminarFlow]

The thing I don't think I've said, which is key, is that I think at some point, depth and longevity can stop being primary objectives for a person.

That's an option, but the discussion I had with them was mainly about longterm, and not necessarily "building." (No problem if one wants that though)

BF/GF type relationships are after all with a certain depth anyway right?

And it's funny because you find that your relationships do tend to last longer and are deeper when that occurs. I don't think it is something you can control though.

It depends on the person wants and needs. Each has their own desires and what is fulfilling to them. But the general consensus to this discussion we had was that we found it strange to be loyal and committed to someone and not find a secure place to have dates.

It comes with stability and fulfillment with what you have. If, for instance, I was still in some relationships that I had previously, I'd still be in the mindset of needing to secure that base of relationships that are long, deep and most importantly, right.

And back then you were looking for something more established than you are now, am I correct?

 

[ref2018]

You are lucky, and probably wealthy, to share a four floor home with one kid, who is only there part time. I don't think your generous accommodations are common.

In LF's country, the (city) buildings are all tall and narrow, so it is very usual to have 3 or 4 floors and not be considered "wealthy" or "uncommon".

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

but the discussion I had with them was mainly about longterm, and not necessarily "building."

I think what people don't acknowledge is that they do want a very specific shape of relationship that pretty much follows a traditional relationship escalator. Sometimes they think that because they don't want or don't mind not having something common but "big" like co-habiting or children, that this makes them vastly different from all other heteronormative people. For what it is worth, I see this most in cis poly people, women more.

But they don't want something vastly different. Those "little" things like being privy to their life, home, friends, family, colleagues, are really important to them and without them, they feel excluded and can't feel that sense of partnership.

The problem comes in where they've been taught that wanting the normal things is old fashioned or even anti-feminist. This makes them literally expel any suggestion that they really just do want a "primary" relationship (or 2) +/- a few differences. It means that they fall into the trap of believing that there are all these people who are using polyamory incorrectly because they don't offer the things that they want.

So bearing this in mind, no I don't think there is an observable "certain depth" to bf/gf relationships that can be quantified by the outsider or used to create a standard that a poly person must reach to be polyamorous. The people within the relationship can only say if the relationship feels like that level of commitment and partnership to them.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

And back then you were looking for something more established than you are now, am I correct?

I think establishment comes with consistency. There might be a long distance partner that you speak to weekly, and see once a year at a hotel. If that's been going on for a decade, then it is an established relationship.

A healthy long term relationship comes from genuinely finding someone with whom you are compatible enough for you to choose each other each day for however long you still feel the same way. It's not something you can really set as an early goal. It's more like an outcome of good partner matching.

I was seeking partners to build a solid nesting base. I was open to that being across two or more households but it has mostly settled into one.

 

[LaminarFlow]

I didn't assume that. I said, "I'm not sure if... [you heard that on reddit.]" It was more of a question and you were free to correct me.

Apparently redditors on their poly board do tell people what is and is not "true poly." I don't go there, but others have reported that. It sounds annoying.

Why do you bring up reddit? I'm not familiar with reddit in general. I chat with poly people at friends places, OKC or just here. They go to poly meetings, haven't been to one myself yet.

There's no true poly, in regards to hosting or anything else. There is ethical poly and there is cheating. There is successful poly and there are train wrecks. There is deep abiding love, and there are friends for a reason or a season. There's hetero poly, there are queers practicing poly, there are asexuals who ID as poly. Etc.

I feel like you brought up the topic of shared responsibility of hosting to imply if you cannot or will not host, you won't be doing ethical or successful poly. (Again, feel free to correct me.) There's this concept in poly that you can be fair without being equal, regarding the varying needs and limitations of each partner.

No, that was not my narrative at all. I was asking about long-term established poly relationships and how one rotates and navigates.

My bf rarely hosts me because he lives with his brother and two male cousins, there's only one bathroom, and there just isn't much privacy. I've got a whole empty house.

I am not sure who "they" are, how comprehensive or typical you and their experiences are. And I am not sure a handful of posters have "established" anything much, at least yet. We've shared examples of how we host. We've shared feelings, but I don't know what poly, in general, or in terms of hosting, really "means" to you.

What do you mean? Doesn't have to one size fits all. That's why I am asking what people think.

You are lucky, and probably wealthy, to share a four floor home with one kid, who is only there part time. I don't think your generous accommodations are common.

While I don't have to worry financially, in my country it is very common to have 2 or 3 floor homes. Even social housing. So I guess this depends on geography and urban structures.

 

[ref2018]

Even social housing.

What does "social housing" mean? Is that what we call a "roommate situation" in the US, or does it mean something else?

 

[Magdlyn]

Why do you bring up reddit? I'm not familiar with reddit in general.

Lots of people use reddit to ask questions or discuss topics of interest, at least in the US. It's hugely popular. The culture wars there can get pretty rough though, rude people saying rude things while hiding behind a screen, trolls, and all that.

I chat with poly people at friends' places, OKC or just here. They go to poly meetings. I haven't been to one myself yet.

Okay.

No, that was not my narrative at all. I was asking about long-term established poly relationships and how one rotates and navigates.

What do you mean? Doesn't have to one size fits all. That's why I am asking what people think.

My mistake. You seemed to have had some assumptions about hosting, the importance of long-term relationships, etc.

While I don't have to worry financially, in my country it is very common to have 2 or 3 floor homes. Even social housing. So I guess this depends on geography and urban structures.

Okay, I understand. I don't know where you live, but I guess in an older city. I went to college in Center City Philadelphia, and older homes were three stories, called Trinity homes, i.e., Father, Son, Holy Spirit, for their three stories. Tiny really, one or two rooms per floor. Main floor, living room/kitchen. Second floor, a bedroom and a bathroom. Third floor, one big bedroom or two small ones. Boston also has many homes like this. Sometimes singles live in them, or couples, small families, or a bunch of messy college roommates.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

What does "social housing" mean? Is that what we call a "roommate situation" in the US, or does it mean something else?

Low cost housing provided by the state. Projects are social housing

 

[ref2018]

Low cost housing provided by the state. Projects are social housing

Okay. We used to say "projects" then the PC police changed it to "low-income" housing then "subsidized" housing and now I think we're on "affordable" housing because in the US, we think that changing the names of things somehow makes it unnecessary to address the underlying causes of poverty and discrimination.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Okay. We used to say "projects" then the PC police changed it to "low-income" housing then "subsidized" housing and now I think we're on "affordable" housing because in the US, we think that changing the names of things somehow makes it unnecessary to address the underlying causes of poverty and discrimination.

I think social housing is the global term because it covers all the ways that a country might provide such housing. Some systems differ so much that the UK and US systems are comparable when they are in fact very different.

 

[ref2018]

I think social housing is the global term because it covers all the ways that a country might provide such housing. Some systems differ so much that the UK and US systems are comparable when they are in fact very different.

The US doesn't believe in "providing" housing or really anything at all to the poor because it would encourage them to work less.

 

[moiandre]

The US doesn't believe in "providing" housing or really anything at all to the poor because it would encourage them to work less.

that's really sad that the Government thinks and acts that way. It is a refection of how good you are as a country in helping the least fortunate. WE in Australia are debating how to help the displaced from the Gaza war and it is such a horrible stance not providing adequate help.

 

[ref2018]

that's really sad that the Government thinks and acts that way. It is a refection of how good you are as a country in helping the least fortunate. WE in Australia are debating how to help the displaced from the Gaza war and it is such a horrible stance not providing adequate help.

"We" have the police using tear gas and night sticks on peaceful student demonstrations in support of Palestine (ETA: which "we" don't even recognize as a "real" country).