Mechanics, dynamics, logistics. How do you embrace the maze?

[LaminarFlow]

Have a lot of space, so I can comfortably host in my home, and my current partners as well.

But I hear a lot of stories that some have to rotate if there is a parallel V, or have to meet in hotels because the family home is a sacred space. Which can be a drag and feel like you are a shag-buddy.

What have your experiences been so far, and what dynamics are you willing to accept? How do you feel if you're the only one that can host in the dyad, triad etc. ? And vice versa, how do you solve it when you cannot host?

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

It all depends on the specific situation. Barriers around things like hosting usually just limit the depth and longevity of the relationship. They don't impact on the quality unless you try and force it to be something it just can't be.

I see some solo poly people complain about having the majority of the hosting obligation. But then I also see they seek out heteronormative partnered people to date. They don't acknowledge that every choice has disadvantages and a disadvantage of heteronormative partnered people is that they're more likely to have boundaries around protecting their heteronormative spaces.

 

[LaminarFlow]

It all depends on the specific situation. Barriers around things like hosting usually just limit the depth and longevity of the relationship. They don't impact on the quality unless you try and force it to be something it just can't be.

That's true. If you both go in the same dynamic then I see no problem.

I see some solo poly people complain about having the majority of the hosting obligation. But then I also see they seek out heteronormative partnered people to date. They don't acknowledge that every choice has disadvantages and a disadvantage of heteronormative partnered people is that they're more likely to have boundaries around protecting their heteronormative spaces.

But I see a lot of heteronormative people wanting a deep, loving long-term relationship, but then unwilling to make space for it. How do they think this is going to happen? Are they then blind that durability will be for a short term. I can understand when you have children that are still in transition (I know two heteronormative households that can temporarily not host due to this), but otherwise what's even the point? Could it even be called polyamory if you do not want to share a part/piece of your life? Seems strange to me.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

That's true. If you both go in the same dynamic then I see no problem.

But I see a lot of heteronormative people wanting a deep, loving long-term relationship, but then unwilling to make space for it. How do they think this is going to happen? Are they then blind that durability will be for a short term. I can understand when you have children that are still in transition (I know two heteronormative households that can temporarily not host due to this), but otherwise what's even the point? Could it even be called polyamory if you do not want to share a part/piece of your life? Seems strange to me.

You don't have to have the same dynamic. You do have to have matching expectations. Right now, as I held towards my Golden Era, I'm probably the most compatible that I've been with average married heterosexual couple (either or both parties) than I've ever been. I am partnered but we don't live just as a couple, either. It's more of a polycule just some people work and play away from home for some of the time. I don't look heteronormative and nor is my lifestyle heteronormative.

Earlier in my life, I was seeking the type of nesting stability (not necessarily nesting partners) that I have now. There were times where a partner who was completely closed to being part of that, or uniting me with their nesting environment, would spell short term longevity if any compatibility at all.

It both wasn't practical to invest my interest there, and I couldn't help but feel rejected when we finally reached that impasse where they essentially had to choose between a potential future with me, and sustaining their stability.

Tldr: it sounds to me like you are meeting people who have different objectives from polyamory than you do and then becoming frustrated when they can't meet your needs.

 

[LaminarFlow]

You don't have to have the same dynamic. You do have to have matching expectations.

Agree.

Right now, as I held towards my Golden Era, I'm probably the most compatible that I've been with average married heterosexual couple (either or both parties) than I've ever been. I am partnered but we don't live just as a couple, either. It's more of a polycule just some people work and play away from home for some of the time. I don't look heteronormative and nor is my lifestyle heteronormative.

See a lot that certain dynamics only date people with the same dynamics just to keep it simple.

Earlier in my life, I was seeking the type of nesting stability (not necessarily nesting partners) that I have now. There were times where a partner who was completely closed to being part of that, or uniting me with their nesting environment, would spell short term longevity if any compatibility at all.

Yes, this is what I was aiming for. Mainly the long term stability (not necessarily nesting). I get when one is a comet, FWB or something, you don't mind meeting out all the time, but if you seek something lifelong you would want to give something I assume. May I ask what that previous partner was offering and if they wanted something long term with you?

It both wasn't practical to invest my interest there, and I couldn't help but feel rejected when we finally reached that impasse where they essentially had to choose between a potential future with me, and sustaining their stability.

Yes, I would feel like that too. But now I am at a stage where I could possibly find some middle ground if it would come on my path.

Tldr: it sounds to me like you are meeting people who have different objectives from polyamory than you do and then becoming frustrated when they can't meet your needs.

It's not me, I am polysaturated. It's based on a conversation I had recently with a solo poly and a heteronormative-ish poly friend that had different hosting dilemmas. But like you said, I see a lot of solo poly people who will have the hosting responsibilities and heteronormative people just expecting to be welcomed without doing a lot of the labour. So the responsibility in this case will go who has the most autonomy if you want to build something lasting. Then there are couples with kids, who have to find small windows here and there and they feel frustrated themselves they can't give more.

 

[Magdlyn]

Have a lot of space, so I can comfortably host in my home, and my current partners, as well. But I hear a lot of stories that some have to rotate if there is a parallel V, or have to meet in hotels because the family home is a sacred space. Which can be a drag and feel like you are a shag-buddy.

What have your experiences been so far, and what dynamics are you willing to accept? How do you feel if you're the only one that can host in the dyad, triad etc.? And vice versa, how do you solve it when you cannot host?

I guess I put it down to: people are unique. Some are fine with their nesting partner hosting in the home, some aren't. They have their reasons.

The first one is probably that they're new to poly and it just feels weird to know your nesting partner is on a date with someone else in your home, having sex, using your kitchen and bathroom... hearing them speaking in intimate tones or laughing, coming into a room and finding them embracing.

The next reason might be compersion or lack thereof. Some of us get actual pleasure out of knowing, and even seeing our nesting partner having a good time with another romantic partner. (And yes, some people find it an actual turn-on.) But you don't have to have compersion to be poly. So, you might want to not have that happening in your shared home. You might forbid it, and insist they go to the other partner's place, or to a hotel or whatever, or, you might want to go out yourself and give them a few hours to themselves.

While I have hosted guys in my home while my female nesting partner is here, it's just easier to do when she's gone over to her own bf's house, to have my guy here then. However, it took years to create this dynamic. But when Pixi and I first got this house, we in part chose it because it's got two floors. It's a ranch house with a finished basement. I could host someone on the main floor, and if she had no plans to go out herself, she could go downstairs to the family/media room, bringing any supplies, drinks and food she might need for an hour or two. Generally I would go downstairs when my date and I were done having sex, so she could know the coast was clear, and either he was leaving, or he was going to be hanging out and she was welcome to come up and hang out too.

The one guy I dated longest term who was actually married to a woman, and who had teenage sons, had built himself a small cabin/studio a little ways away from the main house. Guess you could call it a man cave. He used it to do art, play his guitar, read a book in peace, surf the net, and to host his poly partners. It had a minimal kitchen and a loft bed. Unfortunately, the toilet facilities were very primitive, and there was a shower set up outside that could only be used in warm weather. So while I did spend time there, I only ever spent one overnight there. But he spent most of his nights there, because it had come to a point where he and his long-term wife, while happily married, didn't enjoy actually sleeping together anymore.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

May I ask what that previous partner was offering and if they wanted something long term with you?

This has happened more than once but I think each time could be summed up to me not understanding what I want and finding partners who can offer that and/or them not understanding what they want, what they can offer, and the chasm between those two things.

 

[kdt26417]

The three people in my V all live in the same house together. There's no one else in the picture, so hosting isn't a problem.

 

[Evie]

My local side of the polycule is just going through this right now. There's a married couple with their own home and me and the other end of this N in our own house shares. My landlord is conservative, so I don't host anymore other than my husband overnights (and he's not in town a lot) but my boyfriend visits me for dinner once a week or so.

I generally have been spending one night a week at my boyfriend's place while his wife goes to her bfs house. She goes there three times a week total and his housemates have just started to complain.

I've suggested I get me and my bf a hotel every other week so the wife and her bf can stay at the marital home. I've looked into 1 bedroom places for me to rent and it's cheaper to get a hotel room fortnightly.

I'm not sure what my bf is going to do with his Monday night gf, they aren't quite as far along as he and I are and don't sleep stay over. She has older teens so I'm not sure about her hosting him.

My bf and his wife are looking at building a sleep out on their property, but that will take months.

When my husband moves down to my new city next year, there's going to be even greater adjustments since by then we'll be looking for somewhere to live together. I still won't be able to host overnights unless he's out of town, and I'll probably be paying a lot more for accommodation.

"Monogamy?...in this economy?" is only really an amusing quip when everyone is cohabiting, and since we all do hierarchical poly with dyads in their own homes, it's tough because of course each dyad wants maximum privacy on their overnights.

 

[LaminarFlow]

I guess I put it down to: people are unique. Some are fine with their nesting partner hosting in the home, some aren't. They have their reasons.

That's very true.

The first one is probably that they're new to poly and it just feels weird to know your nesting partner is on a date with someone else in your home, having sex, using your kitchen and bathroom... hearing them speaking in intimate tones or laughing, coming into a room and finding them embracing.

Yes, I understand when you still need to figure out your kind of poly and transition it can be very iffy. But was focusing more on long-term partnerships who perhaps are or getting established.

The next reason might be compersion or lack thereof. Some of us get actual pleasure out of knowing, and even seeing our nesting partner having a good time with another romantic partner. (And yes, some people find it an actual turn-on.) But you don't have to have compersion to be poly. So, you might want to not have that happening in your shared home. You might forbid it, and insist they go to the other partner's place, or to a hotel or whatever, or, you might want to go out yourself and give them a few hours to themselves.

Do you find that there should be some balance in hosting responsibilities and find some middle ground or the one who has the most autonomy? If one can't host, it can get very imbalanced. Do you then take an approach like in monogamy with a shared split, because I see a lot of heteronormative households seeking specifically solo poly just because they have that freedom and autonomy so they can get "away" from that sacred home space and still keep it in tact.

While I have hosted guys in my home while my female nesting partner is here, it's just easier to do when she's gone over to her own bf's house, to have my guy here then. However, it took years to create this dynamic. But when Pixi and I first got this house, we in part chose it because it's got two floors. It's a ranch house with a finished basement. I could host someone on the main floor, and if she had no plans to go out herself, she could go downstairs to the family/media room, bringing any supplies, drinks and food she might need for an hour or two. Generally I would go downstairs when my date and I were done having sex, so she could know the coast was clear, and either he was leaving, or he was going to be hanging out and she was welcome to come up and hang out too.

This sounds like a good rotation. Difficult, but still pretty good.

The one guy I dated longest term who was actually married to a woman, and who had teenage sons, had built himself a small cabin/studio a little ways away from the main house. Guess you could call it a man cave. He used it to do art, play his guitar, read a book in peace, surf the net, and to host his poly partners. It had a minimal kitchen and a loft bed. Unfortunately, the toilet facilities were very primitive, and there was a shower set up outside that we could only be used in warm weather. So while I did spend time there, I only ever spent one overnight there. But he spent most of his nights there, because it had come to a point where he and his long-term wife, while happily married, didn't enjoy actually sleeping together anymore.

This is an extremely unique case indeed, but I like that he at least took initiative to create a space where he could host his partners if he wanted something long-term with them. There are a few who are willing to create space for hosting, but still wanting to do poly and labour others with the responsibility.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

That's very true.

Yes, I understand when you still need to figure out your kind of poly and transition it can be very iffy. But was focusing more on long-term partnerships who perhaps are or getting established.

Do you find that there should be some balance in hosting responsibilities and find some middle ground or the one who has the most autonomy? If one can't host, it can get very imbalanced. Do you then take an approach like in monogamy with a shared split, because I see a lot of heteronormative households seeking specifically solo poly just because they have that freedom and autonomy so they can get "away" from that sacred home space and still keep it in tact.


This sounds like a good rotation. Difficult, but still pretty good.

This is an extremely unique case indeed, but I like that he at least took initiative to create a space where he could host his partners if he wanted something longterm with them. There are a few who are willing to create space for hosting, but still wanting to do poly and labour others with the responsibility.

Overall, do you feel like if someone wants to be poly, they have to have a certain amount of "room" for a relationship to continually expand and deepen, like they did their "primary" relationship?

I agree with this if the answer I have to give is binary. Yes you do need to have room for a girlfriend/boyfriend if you want one in addition to your spouse. However, I don't agree that there is some observable level of availability or "room" that a person has to have to ethically pursue polyamorous relationships.

So I don't agree that if sleepovers aren't permissable in the marital home, that any partner is necessarily obliged to change their attitude to that just because there is an agreement to polyamory. They can be polyamorous without hosting sleepovers, ever, it will just be harder to find other people who are satisifed with that over the long term.

Some married people will find that unfulfilling and want to adjust their homelife to accommodate polyamory. Some will find the limitation on partners and longevity of relationships an acceptable consequence of sustaining their home life. It's this latter group that are most often accused of not being polyamorous or being otherwise unethical. I don't think they are. They're just suited to people who don't have needs that are bigger than their availability.

 

[LaminarFlow]

My local side of the polycule is just going through this right now. There's a married couple with their own home and me and the other end of this N in our own house shares. My landlord is conservative, so I don't host anymore other than my husband overnights (and he's not in town a lot) but my boyfriend visits me for dinner once a week or so.

I generally have been spending one night a week at my boyfriend's place while his wife goes to her bfs house. She goes there three times a week total and his housemates have just started to complain.

So the housemates ask for you meta + BF to go somewhere else? So if that will stop the whole rotation will be at a standstill which unless you will get a hotel or marital home, right?

I've suggested I get me and my bf a hotel every other week so the wife and her bf can stay at the marital home. I've looked into 1 bedroom places for me to rent and it's cheaper to get a hotel room fortnightly.

And this will be your second home, next to the one with your HB?

I'm not sure what my bf is going to do with his Monday night gf, they aren't quite as far along as he and I are and don't sleep stay over. She has older teens so I'm not sure about her hosting him.

Exactly, I see this conundrum a lot when I talk to other poly people. Seems such a hassle.

My bf and his wife are looking at building a sleep out on their property, but that will take months.

When my husband moves down to my new city next year, there's going to be even greater adjustments since by then we'll be looking for somewhere to live together. I still won't be able to host overnights unless he's out of town, and I'll probably be paying a lot more for accommodation.

"Monogamy?...in this economy?" is only really an amusing quip when everyone is cohabiting, and since we all do hierarchical poly with dyads in their own homes, it's tough because of course each dyad wants maximum privacy on their overnights.

Yes, I was wondering mostly about how everyone deals (overnight) privacy, rotation and the feeling of responsibility in general. I think you can always try to find a middle ground somewhere. Perhaps do 50/50 on the rent with BF if you are already in that stage.

 

[LaminarFlow]

Overall, do you feel like if someone wants to be poly, they have to have a certain amount of "room" for a relationship to continually expand and deepen, like they did their "primary" relationship?

No, not at all. I was mainly aiming for if you want to build something long-term with someone, you have to a certain responsibility within that dynamic. Depending on the various degrees of how far you are taking it with said person.

I agree with this if the answer I have to give is binary. Yes you do need to have room for a girlfriend/boyfriend if you want one in addition to your spouse. However, I don't agree that there is some observable level of availability or "room" that a person has to have to ethically pursue polyamorous relationships.

Totally agree. It was mainly about flexibility, handling responsibility and do your part.

So I don't agree that if sleepovers aren't permissable in the marital home, that any partner is necessarily obliged to change their attitude to that just because there is an agreement to polyamory. They can be polyamorous without hosting sleepovers, ever, it will just be harder to find other people who are satisifed with that over the long term.

Isn't that more of ENM lover type dynamic than a BF/GF thing?

Some married people will find that unfulfilling and want to adjust their homelife to accommodate polyamory. Some will find the limitation on partners and longevity of relationships an acceptable consequence of sustaining their home life. It's this latter group that are most often accused of not being polyamorous or being otherwise unethical. I don't think they are. They're just suited to people who don't have needs that are bigger than their availability.

Agree, you do not need to adjust your home space at all, but I think if you want to build something longterm with someone you do need to have some responsibility in the hosting, like getting a second space if the other partner can't host all the time for example. Personally I do not see it working out to have a decade + long hotel relationship with someone, unless they're like a comet, but not BF/GF type. I see this around me a lot and it then fizzles out.

 

[LaminarFlow]

The three people in my V all live in the same house together. There's no one else in the picture, so hosting isn't a problem.

That's definitely a walk in the park.

 

[Ariakas]

Have a lot of space, so I can comfortably host in my home, and my current partners as well.

But I hear a lot of stories that some have to rotate if there is a parallel V, or have to meet in hotels because the family home is a sacred space. Which can be a drag and feel like you are a shag-buddy.

What have your experiences been so far, and what dynamics are you willing to accept? How do you feel if you're the only one that can host in the dyad, triad etc. ? And vice versa, how do you solve it when you cannot host?

Well my home isn't sacred space. But meeting my kid sure is. So yes hosting gets wonky.

I need a house with spare rooms and floors

 

[Magdlyn]

That's very true.

Yeah, I think a lot of it comes down to introversion and extroversion. If you're a people person and want to do KTP, you're going to welcome your metas into the home. If you're more withdrawn, you're not going to want many people of any kind coming and going, much less your metas.

I remember a member here who had a husband and several young kids and she made a rule that she wouldn't date anyone who wasn't willing to do KTP and have (at least most of) their dates in her home, because she just wasn't able to go out and leave her kids much. She ended up having one very long term bf who was fine with this.

On the other hand, I remember another poly former member whose husband was mono, and he didn't want anyone coming over, not even to the door to pick her up for a date. She had one very long term bf who always hosted her. She'd drive to his place.

Yes, I understand when you still need to figure out your kind of poly and transition it can be very iffy. But was focusing more on long-term partnerships who perhaps are or getting established.

So how do you do it?

Do you find that there should be some balance in hosting responsibilities and find some middle ground, or the one who has the most autonomy? If one can't host, it can get very imbalanced. Do you then take an approach, like in monogamy, with a shared split?

What's a shared split?

I see a lot of heteronormative households seeking specifically solo poly just because they have that freedom and autonomy so they can get "away" from that sacred home space and still keep it intact.

I suppose their other partner's home could seem like a fun getaway. I mean, it could seem like a fun getaway even if you CAN host. When I met my gf I was living on the outskirts of a small city, more of a suburban neighborhood, and she was living in Boston. I enjoyed very much going to her place and doing city-type things. And she liked my proximity to more green spaces, hiking trails and such.

This sounds like a good rotation. Difficult, but still pretty good.

It wasn't difficult, actually. It was fine. It didn't last very long, because Pixi soon started spending more time at her new bf's place.

This is an extremely unique case indeed, but I like that he at least took initiative to create a space where he could host his partners if he wanted something long term with them. There are a few who are willing to create space for hosting, but still wanting to do poly and labour others with the responsibility.

It sounds like YOU are currently "laboured with" this responsibility. ?

 

[LaminarFlow]

Yeah, I think a lot of it comes down to introversion and extroversion. If you're a people person and want to do KTP, you're going to welcome your metas into the home. If you're more withdrawn, you're not going to want many people of any kind coming and going, much less your metas.

This is interesting. Yes, this makes a lot of sense.

I remember a member here who had a husband and several young kids and she made a rule that she wouldn't date anyone who wasn't willing to do KTP and have (at least most of) their dates in her home, because she just wasn't able to go out and leave her kids much. She ended up having one very long term bf who was fine with this.

On the other hand, I remember another poly former member whose husband was mono, and he didn't want anyone coming over, not even to the door to pick her up for a date. She had one very long term bf who always hosted her. She'd drive to his place.

I will look up these threads. I wonder what trait dimension they have. I am just going to assume the first one is more extraversion and the latter introversion.

So how do you do it?

All with their own living space. Myself have four floors, so each could have their own floor, but my partners rarely overlap, it only happened a handful that I had to host them at the same time. Magnet and La Boucle have their family home for general stuff and an apartment for private dates. I'll go to hotel only if my kid is home and I need ultimate privacy, but I'm usually kid free two weekends a month. We fall under garden party poly.

What's a shared split?

I meant shared responsibility.

I suppose their other partner's home could seem like a fun getaway. I mean, it could seem like a fun getaway even if you CAN host. When I met my gf I was living on the outskirts of a small city, more of a suburban neighborhood, and she was living in Boston. I enjoyed very much going to her place and doing city-type things. And she liked my proximity to more green spaces, hiking trails and such.

In this case you were both hosting, right?

It sounds like YOU are currently "laboured with" this responsibility. ?

No. I made the thread based on a conversation I had with solo poly and heteronormative-ish friends that had some dilemmas with their hosting and they mentioned there was a recurring theme in some dynamics, so I'm just trying to understand where it could stem from, but I see every situation is very different and unique.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Agree, you do not need to adjust your home space at all, but I think if you want to build something longterm with someone you do need to have some responsibility in the hosting, like getting a second space if the other partner can't host all the time for example. Personally I do not see it working out to have a decade + long hotel relationship with someone, unless they're like a comet, but not BF/GF type. I see this around me a lot and it then fizzles out.

See I'm at a stage where I probably could have a long term partnership with someone and do all the hosting. It doesn't bother me like it might have at other stages of my life. I think that's because I don't need to do the lifebuilding thing with all partners.

 

[Evie]

So the housemates ask for your meta + BF to go somewhere else? So if that will stop the whole rotation will be at a standstill which unless you will get a hotel or marital home, right?

I just don't know yet, it's too soon to tell exactly how we will settle into a routine of which dyad is at the marital home and which dyad is in a hotel.

And this will be your second home, next to the one with your HB?

My husband lives 3+ hours away. He wants to move to my city next year. I don't know what we're going to do regarding renting or buying yet.
I will not be able to host my bf there unless my husband is also out for the night, and that's rare as he doesn't date these days.

Exactly, I see this conundrum a lot when I talk to other poly people. Seems such a hassle.

Yeah, thank god I don't have kids.

Yes, I was wondering mostly about how everyone deals (overnight) privacy, rotation and the feeling of responsibility in general. I think you can always try to find a middle ground somewhere. Perhaps do 50/50 on the rent with BF if you are already in that stage.

We aren't even close to mingling finances like that. We can go 50/50 on hotels for a while though.

 

[Bobbi]

I live in Hawaii, which is expensive as hell, and hotels run $300+ per night. Nobody here has an extra room, and if they do, it's rented out. When I started on my poly journey with my husband, we had a "don't bring anyone home" rule, mainly because I'd had a bad experience in the past with a girlfriend of an ex while we were still living together.

This meant hubby was having sex in cars in hidden backwoods areas. I was fortunate to find a partner who had his own place. NP trying to find ANY woman to date, mono or poly, who had her own place was impossible. Women mostly lived with their parents (3 generations in a home is the norm here), with some military having roommates. Everyone he met had complicated living situations so they could never go there.

That rule got changed within a few months. I couldn't stomach him having to date the way he was. It was disrespectful to him and the women he was dating. He moved into the second bedroom of our tiny condo and we each got locks for our bedroom doors, set some house rules (nobody is to be in our home without one of us present, and never bring someone home on the first date) and never looked back.

He gives me a heads-up when he will have company and I let him know if I'll be here or not. Neither of us change our lives because of a guest. He can have a guest, fuck as much as they want, as long as they get that I'm not leaving and can hear it all. So if they want complete privacy then they can date on the evenings I'm gone to be with my LP.

I pretty much host LP during the summer, so he pretty much lives here. During the school year, I go to his place.

We have TVs in all the rooms, so if NP wants living room time with a partner, I just go into my room. But if I want food I'll still go where I want. It's not the best arrangement, but it works for us, and so far, nobody has complained about it. It took getting used to at first, just as poly did, but now it's just no big deal.