Yeah my dad used the phrase that he thinks it's morally wrong and that we are headed down the wrong path.
He can think that. You don't have to do anything about it.
You just live your life how you want.
On one hand I don t want my daughter to not see her grandparents but on the other hand, they should put themselves in my shoes.
IME? It's nice if kids can get to know HEALTHY grandparents but it's not anything they are gonna miss if it doesn't come to pass like the parent imagined the kid:grandparent relationship would be like. Because it's the parent's idea/hope, not the kid's idea/hope.
Depending on the age of the kid? Babies don't even know what "Tuesday" is much less bigger ideas.
Whatever they experience is their "normal family during my childhood" and it's ok if their "normal family life" is different than the parent. In this case, you or wife's childhood experiences were.
I have relatives (including grandparents) I did not get to know as a child. I can't miss what I never knew. Would it have been nice? Maybe. Might also have been a drag. That's the thing to the unknown -- it could go either way.
My kids? Don't know some of their relatives. There's BIG reasons on some of them while others are more mundane reasons like people moved too far away to keep up. But nobody is suffering some big loss. In some cases it is BETTER not to be involved with the wonky relatives. Some of my relatives? They are REALLY messed up. (Ex: drugs, guns, etc)
I think we all have some relatives who are like that. And it's ok to give it a pass and not feel bad about it.
If someone said to them, "you can come but your spouse isn't t welcome," would you bring your child there?
Just because of poly? Not like abusive spouse or something? Nope. I would not bring kid to Grandpa's house. Grandpa doesn't get to disparage me and my wife AND still get to play with grandkid.
In this case? I might agree to meet dad for coffee in a neutral bookstore for a howdy after he's had a year to cool his jets. Better still a phone call so it's even shorter and less effort. But just me.
I'm not inviting Dad to my house or going to his. Certainly not bringing my child over there and risk grandpa telling kid their mom is horrible cheater. My first job is to protect minors. After my kids are of age if they want to seek out distant relatives and form new adult:adult relationships with those people? They can do that. And it can be THEIR problem/responsibility at that point. I'm not the playdate organizer for all that any more.
But as the parent/guardian when they are minors? I'm not going to expose them to wackadoodle when it's my problem/responsibility to deal with the fall out/distress the child might have as a result of the exposure.
So nope. No access to my wife or my kid BEFORE an apology is made/repairs are done. And either no access or super limited access to me in the meanwhile.
There is NOTHING wrong with going low contact or no contact with wonky relatives. Including parents. There isn't some "parent pedestal" or "parent free pass" where parents get to behave poorly towards adult offspring and grandkids with no consequences.
I was asked no questions about anything nor was I given the opportunity to talk about anything. I get it. He is not ready. I just hoped for better, as I have pretty much never given my parents trouble in my adult life.
So he's not used to being challenged by you. And here you are challenging his beliefs just by existing in your OWN adult life in a different way.
You aren't obligated to do anything about it. You don't have to JADE -- justify, argue, defend, or explain your life choices to your Dad.
You tried to let him in closer so he can know authentic you. He wigged. You left the door open to discuss and tried to be compassionate. That's about all you can do. Because your compassion has to include YOURSELF.
Don't "chase" Dad. If Dad is busy making tempest in a teapot he can do that on his own time and you don't have to help him regulate himself.
If this is your first experience with this in your relationship with Dad? I get it. It can hurt when you hoped for more/better and had Dad on up a "hero" pedestal of some kind. And then the reality is THIS. It's disappointing to learn Dad has limits/is human/has his own bias/sometimes wigs out.
Because it was asked above, my father is on his 3rd marriage with my stepmother of 20 years. My mother died in 2013. She was a strong passionate woman who would be probably tearing him a new ass right about now.
Why though? You are an adult. (You + Dad) is your own relationship to manage. And it's ok if it changes over the years. If Dad relied on Mom to "buffer" or help him manage his relationships with his kids in the past that might be part of the challenge. She's not here to buffer for him any more. He has to deal with you himself. And you him.
If on your side you put Dad on a "hero" pedestal -- then yeah. Viewing him as a regular ol' human is going to be something to take in. And if he had you on "perpetual child, does what I say/taught" it's a shocker for him to realize you have a mind of your own and you get to lead your life how YOU want. No dad approval needed. And even if he disapproves you STILL can live how you want.
People will know their kids as ADULTS more than as kids. Like my kids? Yeah, 0-18 or 21 years old is fun watching them and helping them grow and all that. But then there's the relationship from 21 yrs til (hopefully) the parent dies first. In my case that's like another 30+ years based on how long my family lives. I have a longer opportunity to know them as "adult:adult" rather than "adult:child."
But not all parents make that transition well. They still want to lord it over their kids or something. Like they got lost in "parent mode" and don't know how to be THEMSELVES once empty nest hits, they don't know HOW to relate like adult:adult with their offspring or something else. Maybe they don't feel relevant in the kid's life any more.
I ve been strangely ok today. I ve been talking about it with my wife. Maybe it's because of all the work I have done on mindset and things in the past year, but I just don't need anyone's approval about our lives.
It's so liberating. I care about my families feelings and opinions but they just have no power over me.
Yup. YOU author your own life. You don't HAVE to keep up with friends/family that you outgrow. Or people changed. Or whatever else may happen over a life.
It's ok to care about your family while at the same time maintaining strong personal boundaries with them.
Nothings been decided yet but, occasionally I might bring my daughter to my dad's so that she doesn't suffer but it's going to be a lot less and things there us going to be a lot of distance from my dad and I until he deals.
How old is kid? What would she suffer from in not knowing her grandfather in childhood and skipping visits over there at his home?
IME, kids eventually get really active with their own clubs/friends and don't really hang much with the parents much less grandparents after a certain point in school. So skipping it earlier... how would it hurt her to NOT know people well that she already doesn't know well?
Or is it more YOUR idea of "ideal family" that would suffer if things changed?
I wouldn't put a kid in a position where the grandparent could "pump" them for info about the parents either. Kids are usually sweet and innocent and have no thought that a relative would do something like that.
It's sucks but I m strangely ok.
You are ok because you really ARE ok, you grew up, and are living your adult life.
Does Dad have to agree with your life choices? No. Does he have to like it? No. Approve? No. Who is married to your wife? YOU, not Dad.
I know it's coming out in a poly context but I wonder how much of this is like "reverse apron strings." People go on about the kids not wanting to cut the apron strings when they grow up. But sometimes it's the parents not wanting to cut the strings and CHANGE the dynamic from adult:child to adult:adult and be ok with the fact that it is OK if their adult offspring chooses to live in different ways than the parent does. It's not a rejection of the parent. It's just living their OWN life. We all get one. We can all live our life as best we can how we want to be living it. That is FAIR.
I think some of the parents take it too personally like a rejection of the parent and their values. Or the parent has poor personal boundaries and got too used to running right over the kid when the kid was a child.
Rather than taking it like "I raised you well, I got you this far. But now you have to take charge of yourself and deal with living YOUR adult life. I can't live your adult life for you."
I think you are doing fine. It's fresh, give it more time to chill. This JUST happened with Dad.
I don't know if any of that comforts you any.
Galagirl
