Nest has problems with me bringing ex-lover home n leaves the flat when ex lover n his child visit

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diestel

Member
Hi folks,

My nesting partner today told me that he can no longer manage me being in friendship with my ex-lover... My ex-lover and his child wanted to visit us in two months for 4 days n stay at our place. I tried to talk with Nest about how it would be for him if they visit. He told me that it won't work for him. He still doesn't wanna spoil ex-lover's and my friendship, so he would leave for those days. Also he told he'll be super insecure n go through a lot of suffering n doesn't know how long he'll need to recover from it in case I bring my-ex lover home.

I'm a bit clueless n sad that it's not possible to stay in contact with ex-lover without Nest suffering. And also I feel a little bit mentally pressured in sense that I subtly feel that it would just be more easy to cut all contact with ex-lover to comfort Nest ... But also that's something I don't wanna do!! That's too much. I wanna stay in touch with ex-lover. Nest and me got monogamous exclusive since a few months cause Nest had many insecurities n we both decided to focus on us n our relationship. Since those months I'm super busy n we spent less time with each other than before... which is a big problem for Nest. Ex-lover and I changed our relationship since then to friendship.

Should I bring ex-lover n his child home for the 4 days? Or go together with them to another place? Although I know Nest would be devastated n feel very insecure... How to navigate through Nest's fears, panics n insecurities?

Looking forward for hearing from you. Maybe someone is in similar situation.
 
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This isn't really a polyamory problem. This seems to me like a "normal" monogamy problem. Jealousy is accepted and even encouraged in mono culture, because there is a degree of "ownership" and possessiveness assumed. Your current partner is uncomfortable with you having had a previous lover and daring to still be maintaining a friendship with him. That shows he is insecure and doesn't trust you to be loyal to him, or to be insisting on a kind of "purity" on your part, where your past experiences and current choices are denied.

I could see making a concession and not having an ex-lover come and stay at your house overnight. But stopping by for a meal, and then going out for activities, and staying at a nearby hotel should be a reasonable compromise.

But you don't need to sell this as "fun for Nest." He's not required to actually enjoy meeting your ex, but he should be accepting that you have a friendship with him. He must fear that you'll want to take back up again with the ex, and leave him, or hurt his status as your current partner.
 
I agree with Mags. You are monogamous now. I don't know many mono relationships that would be okay with exes staying with them. Friends is fine but they should find a hotel to stay at.
 
Hi diestel,

Is there a way you can stay friends with ex-Lover without having ex-Lover stay at your house for four days? On the other hand, Nest does seem to be acting very insecure. I don't know what you can do about that.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
This is more of a personal core value problem, I think. I'm friends with majority of my exes, some mono friends of mine as well. If I or my friends had to break off a really good friendship for a lady or gent, they would never do that. But then again, most people in my life value friendship and seek the same in others, and I personally think it says a lot about a person if you can stay on good terms with an ex.

You said you and Nest became monogamous exclusive just a few months ago? So he's new as well or how long have you been together?
 
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It's not everybody's core belief, but for me, even in polyamory home should be a safe space. If it's not possible to bring lovers/ex-lovers/[friends you partner hates] over without upset, it's not a good idea. Go somewhere else.

A lot of people will feel that way at least about shared bed... it's like that to me. I can only handle so much in my home. There's stuff I require veto power over and believe partners (or room mates!) should have it too.

That being said, your partner being jealous of the relationship you have is a much wider topic. We don't know what exactly your relationship agreements are. Is it monogramy "forever"? Or is it "monogamy for a purpose", like getting through a tough period, with the intent of reopening? Does close contact with exlover serve that purpose or undermine it? Of monogamy forever, what boundaries did you set?
 
I tried to talk with Nest about how it would be for him if they visit. He told me that it won't work for him. He still doesn't wanna spoil ex-lover's and my friendship, so he would leave for those days. Also he told he'll be super insecure n go through a lot of suffering n doesn't know how long he'll need to recover from it in case I bring my-ex lover home.
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To me, that's a bit dramatic and reads as subtly manipulative, like if you have a visit you are going to be "punished" with his moodiness. Nest could just say he doesn't want people here and prefers you visit ex and kid at a hotel.

I wanna stay in touch with ex-lover.
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Then stay in touch, visit, but don't have ex-lover and child staying in (you + Nest) home. They can book a hotel, which presumably could have a pool, making it fun/easy to visit with a kid-friendly activity. You see them for lunch and swimming at the hotel. You can treat them to lunch and buy the kid like a set of markers, or something else age appropriate, so they have something else to do during the hotel stay. It's ok to be hospitable, but your hospitality doesn't have to include staying in your home. What for?

Nest and I got monogamous exclusive since a few months cause Nest had many insecurities n we both decided to focus on us n our relationship.
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What changes have you made to meet this goal? How about Nest? How long before things would go back to normal and not have this "extra focus on us?"

What about the insecurities? Are they being addressed? I only saw "focus on each other" listed. Just changing relationship models doesn't do anything to address Nest's insecurities. I think that's the bigger-picture problem, more than your ex visiting.

I would have gone the other way and NOT promised monogamy until Nest had gone to therapy and sorted out his insecurities, like, "show me the money" first. If I'm going to give up polyamory and do monogamy, I want to know I'm going to be with a healthy and fit partner if I'm only going to have one.

Is Nest actually healthy and fit? Or not so much? Can Nest offer you a HEALTHY relationship?


Should I bring ex-lover n his child home for the 4 days? Or go together with them to another place?
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It's 2 months out. Tell your ex-lover that staying at your place isn't possible and suggest they stay at a hotel. You will stay at home. During the visit times, you all can meet up do child-friendly things out in town -- the park, the zoo, the kid's museum, the movies, mini golf, bowling, whatever.

Your visitors do not come to your house.

Although I know Nest would be devastated n feel very insecure... How to navigate through Nest's fears, panics n insecurities?
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I think you could just live your life doing normal things. Visiting with a friend and their kid is NORMAL. It is not a reason for "devastation."

If Nest wigs out over it, he can work with a therapist. The visit is 2 months out. There's plenty of time for Nest to look up counselors and make an appointment. Wasn't that part of the deal when you agreed to go monogamous, that Nest would actually do concrete steps to address his mental health?

Once Nest has a counselor, if/when he gets disregulated, you could remind him to do the tools the therapist teaches him. Or Nest can call the therapist for an extra session. Nest can take personal responsibility for himself and his health.

The solution is NOT you "shrinking" your world to coddle Nest, or becoming Nest's crutch or emotional regulator. Nest might enjoy that, but it sounds like it would suck you dry. A person can be there for their partner in rational and reasonable ways, but becoming their enabler is NOT healthy.

This is WHY I would not have promised monogamy BEFORE Nest had his conditions under management and supports in place.

I suppose you could give it 6 -12 months to see Nest making good on working on his issues. But if he isn't really working on this, or just putting everything on YOU, like, "Don't do this, don't do that, it stresses me out too much," you may have to reevaluate if you want to be living this way. It kind of sounds like living trapped in a box. :(

You might have to think about not nesting with Nest, not doing monogamy with Nest, or not dating Nest at all anymore. YOUR health and well-being matters too.

Hopefully Nest gets it together and works on his insecurities and whatever other health things so you two CAN be together in a healthy way.

Galagirl
 
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Albert Ross said:
I just read lots and lots and then even more about Nest and what Nest wants. What do you want,
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I want to feel safe n peaceful, relaxed and confident and fearless, spending regenerative time with people around me. Knowing that Nest, with whom I live, is fine around me, n feels safe, is important for that.
 
Magdlyn said:
This isn't really a polyamory problem. This seems to me like a "normal" monogamy problem
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I think it's a poly problem, as well. I know Nest has a poly mindset, and has a problem somehow with this dynamic between him n ex-lover, in relation to me as ex-hinge. I dunno. I'm new to all these words. But I still consider it as a poly issue, as my inner self, and Nest's inner self, and even ex-lover's inner self didn't suddenly change.
 
Magdlyn said:
That shows he is insecure and doesn't trust you to be loyal to him, or to be insisting on a kind of "purity" on your part, where your past experiences and current choices are denied.
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This is somehow more complex, I think. I am totally aware of this thing of ownership and I don't accept that. I'm the only one responsible for myself, and my body. I am the only one deciding about my body and my choices with my body.

Nest is insecure, for sure!!! He trusts me. He decides to trust me. Still, he is insecure. He has big struggles, and doubts his role n actions while being in that situation, observing that cause of him expressing his wish, me acting on it n respecting it, telling ex-lover he cannot come to our house because I wanna respect Nest's needs.

Ex-lover has now reduced contact with me to not make any problems for us. Maybe he also feels hurt or awkward. I am having break-up sadness.
 
Magdlyn said:
be accepting that you have a friendship with him. He must fear that you'll want to take back up again with the ex, and leave him, or hurt his status as your current partner.
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I need to navigate through this. I wanna keep my friendship going with ex-lover. But now it seems after I told ex-lover that he cannot visit, he drastically reduced contact. He doesn't feel comfy contacting me anymore, knowing that it's a problem for Nest. It just sucks that he doesn't take my word seriously, though I can understand, because before, I told ex-lover that Nest was fine with it, and that he didn't need to worry. Nest has basically this changed now, so ex-lover has also changed how he contacts me.
 
Bobbi said:
I agree with Mags. You are monogamous now. I don't know many mono relationships that would be okay with exes staying with them. Friends are fine, but they should find a hotel to stay at.
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I still wouldn't call myself monogamous, somehow. I agree, I'm practicing monogamy in the relationship with Nest currently, for an undefined time, until and unless we both decide differently. But my insides haven't changed.
 
kdt26417 said:
Is there a way you can stay friends with ex-Lover without having ex-Lover stay at your house for four days?
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I don't know. All I can do is tell ex-lover that I wanna be friends with him, n I'm respecting his choices, however they are, in regards to that.
 
kdt26417 said:
On the other hand, Nest does seem to be acting very insecure. I don't know what you can do about that.
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Nest is acting very insecure. I also dunno what to do about it. But I guess the most important question is for me to ask myself: do I wanna be with someone who is that insecure? What limit of time do I set for myself to observe if there are changes to get better? And if not, I need to take consequences with my behavior. I just dunno how that would specifically look, and what my limits are, and stuff.
 
LaminarFlow said:
This is more of a personal core value problem, I think. I'm friends with majority of my exes, some mono friends of mine as well. If I or my friends had to break off a really good friendship for a lady or gent, they would never do that. But then again, most people in my life value friendship and seek the same in others, and I personally think it says a lot about a person if you can stay on good terms with an ex.
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I totally agree, and that's what I don't understand so much. We just recently met an ex of Nest, and spent a really good time together. It was very comfy and chill.

It really depends on the type of person the ex is, I'm afraid. But I know that the values with me n Nest are very much on the same page.
 
LaminarFlow said:
You said you and Nest became monogamous exclusive just a few months ago? So he's new, as well? How long have you been together?
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Jah, in May this year. He is new to poly since we got together in 2017. Since then, we both have been practicing non-monogamy. He tried out how he felt about it, and in May 2024 he figured out that it's a burden and too stressful, that we had too many conflicts and he felt shuttered n insecure n didn't wanna handle it anymore.
 
Tinwen said:
but for me, even in polyamory, home should be a safe space.
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Thank you. This I also totally feel. That opens my eyes as well, n made me ready for understanding that it's ok to tell ex-lover he cannot come, and own that decision.
 
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