Is polyamory a "lifestyle"?

[Inaniel]

I think the distinction between polyamory and monogamy in terms of the term "lifestyle" is that monogamy is essentially universal. This makes those who practice it largely unencumbered by their choice, as it is very much the default option.

Polyamory, on the other hand, is distinct from the norm. This exploration leads individuals to make conscious choices, form communities and cultures, establish ethical frameworks, and shape personal identities. In many ways, polyamorous people come together to seek recognition.

All of these aspects are hallmarks of a lifestyle.

I understand that this is somewhat of a generalization. Any group of people labeled in a particular way may feel a desire for recognition of the uniqueness that differentiates individuals at some level. However, I’m not sure that makes the use of the term "lifestyle" harmful outright.

If swingers feel they are better/cooler than others because they just don't fuck their spouse, they can have the damn word. Polyamorous people are more down to earth, at least in my experience and opinion (unless they are just NRE junkies, which is another topic).

You suggest that an entire group of people (swingers) is pretentious or elitist by lumping them together, while simultaneously claiming that poly people are more down to earth. How is that rhetoric not harmful by your definition? I don’t understand the distinction. Are you saying that terms like "lifestyle" are inherently harmful, but you’re not necessarily against using harmful rhetoric yourself? Or do you believe that harmful terms and rhetoric should not be used at all?

 

[Magdlyn]

I think the distinction between polyamory and monogamy in terms of the term "lifestyle" is that monogamy is essentially universal. This makes those who practice it largely unencumbered by their choice, as it is very much the default option.

I agree, of course, that monogamy is the default relationship shape in most parts of the world today (which includes cheating on your spouse/partner, and breaking up/divorcing, i.e., serial monogamy). I don't see what that has to do with the use of the term "lifestyle" for polyamory.

Hetero monogamists really don't go around saying they are living the monogamous lifestyle. Nope. Never. (Maybe if someone has been a confirmed bachelor who is finally getting married, I could see him saying it once, as a joke or something, but that's it. I think he'd be more likely to crack wise about "the old ball and chain," however.)

Therefore, if polyamory and swinging are also legit relationship styles, there is no need to define either of these forms of intimate relationships as entirely composing a lifestyle. I stated above the past conditions that caused swingers to use The Lifestyle as a euphemism. In this day and age, I don't want to "other" myself by saying I live The (Poly) Lifestyle. That's just icky to me.

I just spent the weekend with my lesbian married niece and her wife. I wouldn't dream of saying they are living The Lesbian Lifestyle, just because they are women in love. That would feel so insulting to me. And it might feel insulting or confusing to them. Let the swingers have the word. It's not needed for gays, polys, or people of color, etc.

Polyamory, on the other hand, is distinct from the norm. This exploration leads individuals to make conscious choices, form communities and cultures, establish ethical frameworks, and shape personal identities. In many ways, polyamorous people come together to seek recognition. All of these aspects are hallmarks of a lifestyle.

I get your point, but again, polyamory is part of a person's lifestyle. I don't live the same lifestyle as other poly people I know. Maybe you live the same lifestyle as other poly people you know? Some poly people don't spend much time in a poly community. Some have different ethics, make different choices around dating, overnights, hierarchies, children, diets, housing, purchases, legal arrangements, locations, hobbies, etc., ad infinitum.

I personally love mid-20th century design, in housewares, clothing, etc. I'd pick that as more my lifestyle, the "collectors of vintage kitsch" lifestyle, over saying I live the non-binary, pansexual, V-shaped, non-hierarchical, kinky, poly lifestyle. I spend more time going to thrift stores, going to antique malls, bringing home and restoring my treasures, arranging them, cataloguing them, maintaining them, than I do "doing poly things," even though I spend an hour or so a day modding and posting on this board. I see my partners one at a time, mostly. I see a partner 6 days a week, sometimes one, sometimes the other. So what? It's part of my lifestyle. It doesn't wholly define me.

My long-term male partner is Black, I'm white. Do I live the "mixed marriage" lifestyle? Should people in relationships of mixed race define that as somehow a lifestyle? It's just kinda... gross to think of it that way. I happen to love a man who is Black. I just happen to also love a woman.

I understand that this is somewhat of a generalization. Any group of people labeled in a particular way may feel a desire for recognition of the uniqueness that differentiates individuals at some level. However, I’m not sure that makes the use of the term "lifestyle" harmful outright.

They may feel that desire. And it may not make the use of the word lifestyle "harmful." But it does make it not necessary, in my opinion. I appreciate other points of view though, to help clarify this mess.

You suggest that an entire group of people (swingers) is pretentious or elitist by lumping them together, while simultaneously claiming that poly people are more down to earth. How is that rhetoric not harmful by your definition? I don’t understand the distinction. Are you saying that terms like "lifestyle" are inherently harmful, but you’re not necessarily against using harmful rhetoric yourself? Or do you believe that harmful terms and rhetoric should not be used at all?

I don't know for sure if swingers now or ever thought they were or are cooler because of their sex practices. I'm sure some do and did. I can see them thinking they are more free, have more fun, better sex, etc. I know some poly people feel they are "more evolved" than monogamists, so I assume some swingers feel they are too. In my experience, poly people aren't in it for the sex, or the hedonism to such an admitted degree (in general). They're just poly, able and willing to love more than one. Or they see the need to make the poly choice.

But I don't want to debate the relative merits of swinging and poly, in a comparison war. I am just here to talk about the term lifestyle, and I think we can without having a pissing match. Swingers are welcome to the word. I just don't feel poly people need it. It's coy and inaccurate and confusingly vague.

Do you think it's not harmful, but actually helpful, to agree with newbies that we, and they, are leading "the polyamorous lifestyle"? How is it helpful?

 

[Inaniel]

Do you think it's not harmful, but actually helpful, to agree with newbies that we, and they, are leading "the polyamorous lifestyle"? How is it helpful?

I'm not sure what I think about whether it is helpful, but I would caution against over-normalizing polyamory as if it's just a small, inconsequential thing you're doing differently in your life. A typical newbie walking into polyamory might find that their life begins to look very different than it did before—feeling isolated from friends, family, and coworkers, keeping part of their life hidden, experiencing mate-guarding from friends, and seeing relationships change in unexpected ways. I’ve always felt that a big part of why we form communities is to connect with others who understand these challenges.

I’m not sure if "lifestyle" is the right term to describe this, but it’s one I’ve always identified with. Although I live with both of my partners, so for me, it feels like a central aspect of my life.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I think the distinction between polyamory and monogamy in terms of the term "lifestyle" is that monogamy is essentially universal. This makes those who practice it largely unencumbered by their choice, as it is very much the default option.

I don't think that's strictly true. For some people, monogamy means "don't be (too) intimate with anyone else"; they largely mean no sex, no kissing, no dates. For others, this restriction of what is appropriate between their partner and someone else from their dating pool is a lot stricter.

Culture determines this. But individually, couples make their own rules on what suits them.

A very religious married woman who isn't allowed to be in the presence of other men is living a monogamous lifestyle (if she says she is). So is the young woman in a long term exclusive relationship where a bit of drunk kissing or flirting is perfectly permissable is also monogamous.

there is no need to define either of these forms of intimate relationships as entirely composing a lifestyle.

Again, I think the issue is conflating one poly couple saying they live a poly lifestyle to them saying that we all do, too. Maybe it is more central to their identification than it is for me or you. That's about the psychology and philosophy of self identification. It isn't binary or objective.

so I assume some swingers feel they are too

I've actually found they lack that towards monogamists and some even identify as monogamous because they take the "amous" to mean love, and they have one love. They think there is nothing wrong with monogamy and would advise people think carefully about straying from it. In some ways, more so than poly people because it's easier to say "just fantasise about it (together)".

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm not sure what I think about whether it is helpful.

Recently we had a therapist come here asking questions about how to advise a couple who came to him wanting help, who were newly poly. He asked us for help dealing with this couple "leading the polyamorous lifestyle." One thing he was told here was not to tell them they were living a lifestyle. As a psychological authority, we didn't think he should be throwing that term around to a confused couple, since it could only make them more confused.

I would caution against over-normalizing polyamory as if it's just a small, inconsequential thing you're doing differently in your life.

I'm not.

A typical newbie walking into polyamory might find that their life begins to look very different than it did before—feeling isolated from friends, family, and coworkers, keeping part of their life hidden, experiencing mate-guarding from friends, and seeing relationships change in unexpected ways.

So we should tell gay people or biracial couples that they are "living a lifestyle" that is different from the norm, as if they don't want the same things out of life that every couple does-- love, stability, good communication, respect from the general community, safety for their children, equality in all things, living as their authentic selves, etc.?

"Forget it, pal, you're different, your lifestyle is strange, what did you expect, being all gay and Black and shit? Maybe you should make better choices, go back to Africa, pray the gay away (i.e., "othering" them?)."

I’ve always felt that a big part of why we form communities is to connect with others who understand these challenges.

That's fine. It is nice to be around people who get you, whatever you're doing or whoever you are. I just can't make the jump to "the poly lifestyle."

I’m not sure if "lifestyle" is the right term to describe this, but it’s one I’ve always identified with. Although I live with both of my partners, so for me, it feels like a central aspect of my life.

I appreciate your confusion around the term. Maybe you haven't ever given it much thought. Why can't you think of being poly as just part of your lifestyle, alongside the other things that compose how you live? After all, when I was in a hetero mono marriage for 30 years, I didn't think I was living the "monogamous lifestyle." There was more to me/us than that. Once we had kids, I was a SAHM (rather unusual these days), I was a homeschooling mom, I was a La Leche League Leader, my husband and I were kinda hippie-ish (which informed many of our preferences, such as parenting, what we ate, our music, our clothing, our relationship to nature and travel, etc.), I was (am) an artist, I worked out and hiked, etc. Surely there's more to your lifestyle than just how many partners you have.

But then again, maybe being poly is, to you, the most important thing about who you are and how you live. If so, perhaps saying you live a poly lifestyle seems to work.

 

[MeeraReed]

Heh, I had a feeling this discussion would be coming...

As I said in the thread with the therapist, I do think the term "lifestyle" for polyamory is harmful when it comes from a therapist. As Mags says, it is coy, vague, and othering.

In the context of non-monogamy, I don't think it can be separated from connotations of "The Lifestyle" (euphemism for swinging) or the idea of "alternative lifestyles" (kink community) or homophobes saying they "don't approve of the gay lifestyle."

Many things could potentially be described as lifestyles, but English speakers don't actually use that term very often to describe themselves. I might say I live a childfree life or a writerly life, but I probably wouldn't say "childfree lifestyle" or "writerly lifestyle," etc.

There's something a bit stilted and hoity-toity about the term in general...even "lifestyle choice" implies that it's something people with high incomes get to do, whereas everyone else just makes "life choices."

It's not a term that comes up much in normal conversation. Except when discussing non-monogamy--then there is always someone popping up to say "I'm not familiar with that lifestyle!" in a tone that seems to be a polite way of saying "I imagine that it's people having orgies and I definitely don't have orgies but I don't want to sound judgmental about it but it's definitely orgies isn't it?"

My ex Eli definitely lives a deliberately "alternative lifestyle" with all the stereotypical connotations...queer, 24/7 kinky, recreational drug use, and DEFINITELY orgies (or at least sex parties) LOL...but even he has never used the term "alternative lifestyle" to describe himself or his community. He would use more specific labels.

I wouldn't have a problem with experienced poly people saying they live a poly lifestyle or they're happy with their poly lifestyle or whatever, but honestly, I don't find that usage very common. I just see it with newbies when they're starting out.

 

[Inaniel]

So we should tell gay people or biracial couples that they are "living a lifestyle" that is different from the norm, as if they don't want the same things out of life that every couple does-- love, stability, good communication, respect from the general community, safety for their children, equality in all things, living as their authentic selves, etc.?

Why would we ever assume that "lifestyle" strips someone of their humanity? I can’t think of a single context in which the word is commonly used that suggests people don’t want "love, stability, good communication, respect from the general community, safety for their children, equality in all things, living as their authentic selves," etc.

Do we assume that someone living a "healthy lifestyle" doesn’t want "love, stability, good communication, respect from the general community, safety for their children, equality in all things, living as their authentic selves," etc.?

No.

The word "lifestyle" is often used to vaguely describe one or a few aspects of someone's life, typically behaviors. As someone who is in two biracial relationships and as a mixed-race individual myself, I don’t consider race to be a "lifestyle" because race is not a behavior. That’s some weird, white supremacist type of thinking.

"Forget it, pal, you're different, your lifestyle is strange, what did you expect, being all gay and Black and shit? Maybe you should make better choices, go back to Africa, pray the gay away (i.e., "othering" them?)."

I don’t believe that particular word has that much power on its own. You could write that exact same sentence without using the word "lifestyle," and it would still be just as harmful. We can use any number of innocuous words to engage in harmful behavior.

I appreciate your confusion around the term. Maybe you haven't ever given it much thought. Why can't you think of being poly as just part of your lifestyle, alongside the other things that compose how you live?

I’m more confused by your outrage than I am by the word itself. I think the merit of the word is a worthy debate, but in my opinion, the outrage directed at it is a misplaced strategy to demonize a term that isn’t used in these forums to harm people. I don’t see anyone within the community using it in a harmful way. As for outsiders? Who cares? They say all sorts of hurtful things about polyamory.

I agree that therapists should be more mindful of their language than the average person - that’s part of the job. But you won’t find me lecturing a poly-curious newbie about the word "lifestyle" anytime soon, because I fail to see the harm.

 

[Magdlyn]

Why would we ever assume that "lifestyle" strips someone of their humanity? I can’t think of a single context in which the word is commonly used that suggests people don’t want "love, stability, good communication, respect from the general community, safety for their children, equality in all things, living as their authentic selves," etc.

Do we assume that someone living a "healthy lifestyle" doesn’t want "love, stability, good communication, respect from the general community, safety for their children, equality in all things, living as their authentic selves," etc.?

No, because that's about diet and exercise, not how you love. But on the other hand, people who want healthy food, a clean environment, well-maintained parks for recreation, often have to fight hard to get these things. Anyway... a bit off topic.

As someone who is in two biracial relationships and as a mixed-race individual myself, I don’t consider race to be a "lifestyle" because race is not a behavior. That’s some weird, white-supremacist type of thinking.

The behavior is the actions that denote loving another of a different race, mostly the "horror" of biracial sex and resultant progeny, typically. It used to be illegal in the not too distant past, after all. Yes, it is weird and racist. That's my point.

I don’t believe that particular word has that much power on its own.

The "power" is in its vagueness. "Love style" is just as easy to say and much more accurate.

I’m more confused by your outrage than I am by the word itself. I think the merit of the word is a worthy debate, but in my opinion, the outrage directed at it is a misplaced strategy to demonize a term that isn’t used in these forums to harm people. I don’t see anyone within the community using it in a harmful way. As for outsiders? Who cares? They say all sorts of hurtful things about polyamory.

I don't feel particularly outraged, nor am I in the act of "demonizing" anything. I am a language nerd (editing is my current profession, and I was a teacher in the past), so it just irritates me. Yes, I'm more irritated than outraged.

I am not making a distinction between other polyamorous people and "outsiders." I am not making a distinction between the experienced polyamorists who volunteer here and paid professional therapists. Accurate language matters everywhere. I don't even see the value of calling people who are currently monogamous "outsiders." I don't need to "other" them either. Some current monogamists could be future polyamorists, after all. If they are getting the wrong idea of what poly is from polyamorists, they might not follow their heart to try it, or if they do try it, they might do it badly.

I agree that therapists should be more mindful of their language than the average person - that’s part of the job. But you won’t find me lecturing a poly-curious newbie about the word "lifestyle" anytime soon, because I fail to see the harm.

As a long-term member here, as I am, as you are, we come across as people of authority to newbies, to an extent. It takes courage to be vulnerable and share their growing pains, and they really want advice. So I just feel a responsibility to be as helpful as possible. As a La Leche League Leader, I was a trained lactation counselor, so I know how language matters when counseling people who are feeling vulnerable, scared, in pain. I wouldn't duff off that responsibility just because I am not earning a dollar doing it. Volunteer work is very important. It changes people's lives.

I don't see anyone here "lecturing" newbies about not calling poly a lifestyle, just pointing out quickly that it's a relationship style, not an entire lifestyle. You seem to be exaggerating my/our pov by using scare words like demonize, outrage and lecture. I just wanted a discussion or healthy debate on a topic I've been thinking about recently.

 

[Magdlyn]

Heh, I had a feeling this discussion would be coming...

As I said in the thread with the therapist, I do think the term "lifestyle" for polyamory is harmful when it comes from a therapist. As Mags says, it is coy, vague, and othering.

It's not a term that comes up much in normal conversation, except when discussing non-monogamy-- then there is always someone popping up to say, "I'm not familiar with that lifestyle!" in a tone that seems to be a polite way of saying, "I imagine that it's people having orgies and I definitely don't have orgies but I don't want to sound judgmental about it but it's definitely orgies isn't it?"

I wouldn't have a problem with experienced poly people saying they live a poly lifestyle, or they're happy with their poly lifestyle or whatever, but honestly, I don't find that usage very common. I just see it with newbies when they're starting out.

Nailed it.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

No, because that's about diet and exercise, not how you love. But on the other hand, people who want healthy food, a clean environment, well-maintained parks for recreation, often have to fight hard to get these things. Anyway... a bit off topic.

Actually that's exactly the topic. Lifestyle refers to a series of behaviours and actions that summarise how you live. That's why saying someone lives a polyamorous lifestyle is perfectly accurate.

The behavior is the actions that denote loving another of a different race, mostly the "horror" of biracial sex and resultant progeny, typically. It used to be illegal in the not too distant future, after all. Yes, it is weird and racist. That's my point.

But then if a couple feel like they live between two cultures that are related to their race, and therefore they live a biracial/bicultural lifestyle, I'm not going to tell them they don't. Are you?

I don't feel particularly outraged,

I think you need to read some of what you wrote to Albert Ross in this very thread. You have come across as angry and outraged by people using the term and not agreeing that it means unicorn hunters.

I am not making a distinction between the experienced polyamorists who volunteer here and paid professional therapists

So you won't be telling off newbies for mentioning lifestyles? Only therapists?

If they are getting the wrong idea of what poly is from polyamorists,

I don't think they are just because some of us feel we have a poly lifestyle.

So I just feel a responsibility to be as helpful as possible.

I personally don't think it's helpful to fixate on the word lifestyle when they're asking about whether or not their metamour is allowed to move in.

don't see anyone here "lecturing" newbies here about not calling poly a lifestyle, just pointing out quickly that it's a relationship style, not an entire lifestyle.

Again, that is YOUR opinion. I don't share it and I think some others do not either. If someone feels they lead a poly/mono/vegan lifestyle, that's for them to decide and communicate. Not for me to argue that they do not.

 

[ref2018]

I remember there was a TV show called "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous," so "lifestyle" is definitely a noun, or they wouldn't be able to make a TV show about it.

 

[Magdlyn]

I remember there was a TV show called "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous"...

I think "lifestyle" is more often used in an economic sense. One I see is where a divorce is happening, and the spouse with a lower amount of personal income/savings gets alimony from the more well-off spouse in order to be able to maintain the "lifestyle" to which they were accustomed during the marriage. So, the term lifestyle used in this sense is not confusing, vague, or a coy euphemism for "orgies," as Meera put it. It means being able to keep spending the amount of money you were used to spending. Period.

 

[Magdlyn]

Here is the thread started by a therapist who admitted to being ignorant about polyamory, and then called it a lifestyle.

https://polyamory.com/threads/therapist-who-needs-educated.157133/#post-507781

This person's OP:

I am a therapist who is currently working with a couple. They have been married (got into the marriage with the intent that it would be monogamous) for 2 years. The wife has discovered that she is polyamorous and would like to live this lifestyle with her husband. They have found that through this journey they have become emotionally disconnected and the husband is unsure if he wants to be in a polyamorous relationship. However, he loves his wife and does not want her to live a life where she does not feel that she can be herself.

I know VERY little about the polyamorous lifestyle! I would like feedback from the community about this lifestyle and relationship choice to allow me to have a better understanding of the community and where the wife is coming from. I would also like to know if anyone has had a similar situation to this and know what helped them work through it. How can I be supportive of both the wife and husband through this journey? What are common issues that arise in this type of relationship?

Any help or guidance is greatly appreciated!

You can see where the therapist called polyamory a "type of relationship," almost using that term interchangeably with "lifestyle," even though the definitions of "relationship" and "lifestyle" are not identical.

 

[Magdlyn]

Examples of responses to the therapist:

ref

Polyamory is not a "lifestyle" but rather an approach to relationships, and some people consider it part of their identity like being gay or transgender. Perhaps your couple has polyamory confused with swinging, which is often euphemized as "the lifestyle" and involves casual sex only, usually done as an activity by couples together. We don't know what your client means by "discovering" polyamory and wanting to "live the lifestyle."

MeeraReed

The first thing I would advise you is that the term "lifestyle" is not helpful, largely for two reasons:

1) It implies that this couple will be living in a completely different way than "normal" people. There isn't much different about polyamorous people's actual lives. We go to work, have friends, have hobbies, raise children, take care of elders, deal with health issues, the same as everyone else. The only thing different is that our dating lives might be more complex.

2) The term "lifestyle" creates confusion because it is conflated with the swinging community and/or the kink community and/or threesomes/group sex stuff. "The lifestyle" used to be (maybe still is?) code for couples involved in swinging (having recreational sex as a couple with other couples). The term "alternative lifestyle" generally refers to people heavily involved in kink, so it has connotations that group sex or kinky sex is going to be happening. Polyamorous people definitely don't all have threesomes.

So the description that the wife wants to "live that lifestyle with her husband" doesn't clarify what the wife actually wants. Does she want to explores sex outside the marriage WITH her husband, as in swinging? Or does she simply want to go on dates with other people, with the consent of her husband?

There are so many forms that ethical non-monogamy can take. Polyamory is one of those forms, and there are many shapes polyamorous relationships can take. For example, the husband could decide that he's personally monogamous and doesn't want to date others himself, but that he is comfortable with his wife dating other people. He doesn't have to be involved in her polyamorous relationships.

Also, just as an aside, it kinda sucks that a professional came to a board of experienced polyamorists to ask for education, and then just disappeared and didn't even thank us for our help. Oh well... (Our country's in the toilet, and this is just a distraction from the big picture right now.)

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

"that she is polyamorous and would like to live this lifestyle with her husband"

I too read the above quote at the time. The only thing that occurred to me to ask in response to "this lifestyle," was "which poly lifestyle?" as in, what type of polyamory? But that brings the discussion back to the fact the issue is in the semantics between saying "a lifestyle," and "the lifestyle": a vs the.

 

[ref2018]

Basically the one thing I think we can all agree on is that the word "lifestyle" is meaningless and therefore useless ON ITS OWN in this context, and more information is always needed to clarify the intended message from sender to receiver.

 

[MeeraReed]

"that she is polyamorous and would like to live this lifestyle with her husband"

I too read the above quote at the time. The only thing that occurred to me to ask in response to "this lifestyle," was "which poly lifestyle?" as in, what type of polyamory? But that brings the discussion back to the fact the issue is in the semantics between saying "a lifestyle," and "the lifestyle": a vs the.

The therapist OP in that thread used the term "lifestyle" for polyamory 3 times in one post, which stood out to me as indicating an attitude that would neither help the therapist to understand her clients nor help her clients to achieve clarity about polyamorous relationships.

One reason being, exactly as SeasonedPoly stated, that polyamory isn't one lifestyle.

But beyond that, calling polyamory a "lifestyle" is very common among outsiders to polyamory--and especially among therapists unfamiliar with poly. In that context, it is always a misconception about polyamory--based on imagining that all polyamorists live some sort of (or the same sort of) alternative lifestyle, conflating polyamory with the swingers' term "The Lifestyle", and trying to find a polite or coy word to describe something that seems a little weird and scandalous and "other".

Newbies curious about polyamory often absorb that misconception. I certainly did! When I was starting out, I was VERY WORRIED that polyamory was a weird cult where everyone lived in hippie communes having a completely different lifestyle than "normal people." I thought it might be the same as swinging and orgies, which I wasn't interested in. I knew I wanted to explore non-monogamy, but I didn't know where to turn for advice because I thought only very strange, very alternative people had open relationships. My own therapist confirmed this idea by telling me she was so unfamiliar with "that lifestyle" she couldn't help me at all. Even 15 years later, I can remember how lost and othered I felt in that moment.

Well, at the time, I had always considered myself a pretty alternative person in many ways, so I figured I would push myself to take the plunge and try to find communities of people who practiced this mysterious other lifestyle so I could learn about it. I found this forum and started reading. There were definitely other newbies at the time arriving with the same misconceptions. I think it was GalaGirl who defined polyamory as explicitly a love style or relationship style as opposed to a lifestyle. It was like a lightbulb went off in my head and I felt immense relief. With that reframing, I was able to clarify for myself what I wanted and to find what I was looking with prospective dating partners. I stopped worrying that I would be making a choice to live a completely different, unfathomably strange lifestyle.

I have watched polyamory become much more common over the last 15 years. There is no reason that therapists now should still have those same misconceptions about "that lifestyle." At best, it's a term that's too vague to be helpful in therapy. At worst, it connotes disapproval and otherness.

If a newbie shows up saying they want to learn about "the polyamorous lifestyle" I would definitely pass on the info I learned 15 years ago that helped me reframe my misconceptions.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

which stood out to me as indicating an attitude that would neither help the therapist to understand her clients nor help her clients to achieve clarity about polyamorous relationships.

I don't know how far we really want to go into this, but to me, the therapist could help the couple by understanding what the wife (was it?) wants to achieve. Whether or not her desire is a "shared lifestyle" by all polyamorists seems neither here nor there when it comes to helping that specific couple.

Perhaps more broadly, it's helpful to understand that what the wife wants isn't all that polyamory is, there are different variants. There are different ways of living a poly lifestyle. Now that's not wording I'd generally use, but I don't think it's incorrect terminology.

conflating polyamory with the swingers' term "The Lifestyle",

I keep seeing this point about not wanting to get confused with swingers. Is this swingers vs poly thing more central to this anti-lifestyle issue than it initially seems?

My own therapist confirmed this idea by telling me she was so unfamiliar with "that lifestyle" she couldn't help me at all.

I would take that to mean she just isn't experienced enough in ENM to advise. Which is common for relationship counsellors because they work around creating safe boundaries and exclusive intimacy.

I think "that lifestyle" is akin to saying an "athlete's lifestyle." It's a broad term and will differ depending on the level of the athlete and the sport they perform. So it's similar to saying a "poly lifestyle." More specifically, you could say a footballer's lifestyle and you'd have more idea of how they might live. Just like you could say "a KTP lifestyle" and it would give more information on how a poly person might live.

I stopped worrying that I would be making a choice to live a completely different, unfathomably strange lifestyle.

When you consider one of the most common issues poly people have: hierarchy/unicorn hunting, do you think that perhaps, acknowledging that you are doing something quite different from the norm and will be living a very different lifestyle might actually be helpful? Like they'd realise properly that no, you can't start a closed triad AND still be a mono couple to the world.

Maybe saying "Hey, this is a totally different lifestyle and you'll have to adopt it" will put some of those people off.

Other people arguably better suited to polyamory because they've already considered things like mono-hetero-normativity wouldn't be put off because they have already began to think about how they are varying from the traditional.

 

[MeeraReed]

To me, the therapist could help the couple by understanding what the wife (was it?) wants to achieve. Whether or not her desire is a "shared lifestyle" by all polyamorists seems neither here nor there when it comes to helping that specific couple.

I disagree. The wife won't be able to articulate what she actually wants if she imagines poly is a uniform lifestyle and has a therapist also making that assumption. It's vague and unclear and hides unexamined expectations about what poly is/is not.

Perhaps more broadly, it's helpful to understand that what the wife wants isn't all that polyamory is, there are different variants. There are different ways of living a poly lifestyle. Now that's not wording I'd generally use, but I don't think it's incorrect terminology.

It's not common wording for any poly person, frankly.

Many things are not incorrect terminology but are nonetheless not the most clear or helpful terms to discuss something. Or are not the most common usage/phrasings and create unnecessary confusion.

Why do you feel different poly lifestyle variants is a more useful way to think about poly than different relationship style variants?

I keep seeing this point about not wanting to get confused with swingers. Is this swingers vs poly thing more central to this anti-lifestyle issue than it initially seems?

Around 2010 when I was starting out exploring poly, the swingers vs poly thing was big. Everyone knew what swinging was, like it was a concept people had heard of even with no experience in non-monogamy. (Or at least people had heard of the stereotype of 1970s swinging/couple swapping). Polyamory was NOT a familiar term to very many people. The first time I heard someone say it, I thought she was saying her name is Polly. The main conversation with newbies joining this forum in 2010 was explaining to them the difference between swinging and poly because it was absolutely NOT obvious at the time.

For me, the issue is not that I don't want to be confused with swingers. It's that the ORIGIN of the usage of "lifestyle" in the context of non-monogamy comes explicitly from swinging and/or from the term "alternative lifestyle."

The therapist and others in this context are choosing the term "lifestyle" to describe polyamory because they associate the term with non-monogamy specifically. It's not an innocuous term in that context--it's weighted with meaning. They are not using it in a general sense as with a sporty lifestyle or healthy lifestyle.

That's what I feel like you and other who are adhering to the dictionary definition of "lifestyle" are not getting. I'm talking about situations I have seen frequently--where people, who wouldn't often use "lifestyle" in casual conversation, immediately think of the term "lifestyle" when the topic of non-monogamy comes up.

I would take that to mean she just isn't experienced enough in ENM to advise, which is common for relationship counsellors because they work around creating safe boundaries and exclusive intimacy.

Sure, that's true.

I think "that lifestyle" is akin to saying an "athlete's lifestyle". It's a broad term and will differ depending on the level of the athlete and the sport they perform. So similar to saying a "poly lifestyle". More specifically, you could say a footballer's lifestyle and you'd have more idea of how they might live. Just like you could say "a KTP lifestyle" and it would give more information on how a poly person might live.

But I have never heard anyone use that phrasing. They just say, "I'm interested in KTP" pr "I'm practicing KTP."

When you consider one of the most common issues poly people have: hierarchy/unicorn hunting, do you think that perhaps, acknowledging that you are doing something quite different from the norm and will be living a very different lifestyle might actually be helpful? Like they'd realise properly that no, you can't start a closed triad AND still be a mono couple to the world.

That's possible. But it would be better to talk about the specifics of what would be different about their lives if they practice poly.

Maybe saying "Hey, this is a totally different lifestyle and you'll have to adopt it" will put some of those people off.

I mean, that would 100% be off-putting to a lot of people.

Other people are arguably better suited to polyamory because they've already considered things like mono-hetero-normativity wouldn't be put off because they have already began to think about how they are varying from the traditional.

I don't know. I was already pretty non-traditional when I was starting out. Knew I didn't want children, knew I didn't want marriage, knew my ideal was to live alone (hence hippie communes being a nightmare for me personally). Getting the first impression that polyamory would be even weirder than I already was--that even a trained therapist was unable to to help me--it was super isolating and terrifying at a time when I needed community and support.

 

[EldritchDucky]

Could we normalize our differences? Please? Denormalize normal? Just a thought.