Weird relationship model?

[Magdlyn]

This thread is from 2012. I think this user might have moved on...

Yes, I bumped it because the board has been slow and I thought it was interesting.

 

[LaminarFlow]

Yes, I bumped it because the board has been slow and I thought it was interesting.

It's very odd. It sounds like they were unicornhunting OP in a pretend-quad?

 

[Magdlyn]

It's very odd. It sounds like they were unicorn hunting OP in a pretend-quad?

If I'd been the OP, the first time Jude said he'd be bringing his wife along on this or that date, I would have said, "No thank you. I want to see you one-on-one," and seen what he said. I wouldn't have just gone, "Oh, okay, then I'll invite Brian."

If Gwendolyn was intimidated to go on that first date with Jude, when he was going to bring JC too, because of the "power dynamic," instead of asking Brian to come along too, to equalize things, all she had to do was say, "No, thank you. Let's meet one-on-one."

 

[LaminarFlow]

If I'd been the OP, the first time Jude said he'd be bringing his wife along on this or that date, I would have said, "No thank you. I want to see you one-on-one," and seen what he said. I wouldn't have just gone, "Oh, okay, then I'll invite Brian."

If Gwendolyn was intimidated to go on that first date with Jude, when he was going to bring JC too, because of the "power dynamic," instead of asking Brian to come along too, to equalize things, all she had to do was say, "No, thank you. Let's meet one-on-one."

Don't think it would have mattered much. It was JC (Wife) that basically initiated the 1-1 date, or told him to do it, and he kept tagging his Wife along after that.

Doesn't sound he was ready or interested in it...

 

[Magdlyn]

Don't think it would have mattered much. It was JC (Wife) that basically initiated the 1-1 date, or told him to do it, and he kept tagging his Wife along after that.

It seems like it was Jude's idea to bring JC along on "dates" with Gwendolyn. She explains it here, post #11.

JC doesn't seem controlling at all. I think this is more a case of Jude wanting to be poly, but deep down, worried that it's wrong. And he's worried that JC might feel "left out" if he pursues individual relationships. Also, since his past partners all started as JC's good friends, it felt natural to continue including her in whatever he did with them. And since that was the relationship model he was used to, he continued to try to do it with me, even though my friendship was with him first and I really don't know JC very well!

Doesn't sound he was ready or interested in it.

It sounds like he thought polyamory meant dragging your wife along on dates, like a preschooler wanting his mom to join him at preschool. And Gwen perpetuated this idea by dragging her Daddy (husband Brian) along as well, instead of getting through to Jude that dating in poly means dating independently from any prior partners. It's not a couples-double-date thing, it's not always a threesome of one hinge with both metamours.

 

[LaminarFlow]

It seems like it was Jude's idea to bring JC along on "dates" with Gwendolyn. She explains it here, post #11.

After one rather nice one-on-one date with him (which I know JC expressly told him to arrange), he kept doing stuff like inviting me out on what I thought was a date for just us, and then, all of a sudden, JC was coming too.

^ Wife initiated the first date of him and OP, and he was still reluctant to go out alone with OP after that.

It sounds like he thought polyamory meant dragging your wife along on dates, like a preschooler wanting his mom to join him at preschool. And Gwen perpetuated this idea by dragging her Daddy (husband Brian) along as well, instead of getting through to Jude that dating in poly means dating independently from any prior partners. It's not a couples-double-date thing, it's not always a threesome of one hinge with both metamours.

I understand that it takes time to detangle, but this is super backwards. OP and Jude were friends before JC came into the picture. She doesn't even know JC all that well... (See #11)

I have a male best friend since childhood, and if he or I suddenly would be tagging along our partner everywhere, even now as platonic friends, that would be very strange to us. We have always done the 1-1, why change now. If MY friend cannot be bothered to spend time alone with me, either friendly or romantically, what's even the point?

I can't compute. So in my eyes Jude was far from ready and most likely lost a special friendship over it.