Making friends in poly

B

Blah blah blah 12345

New member
My wife and I have been doing ENM for a while now, and we've decided to switch to a more polyamorous model for this, rather than kink.

Initially, the switch was very bad for my mental health, for reasons I could not explain. It wasn't anything that happened. We still haven't really done anything differently. It just sent me down a spiral of "I don't know what I am doing" and "I can't do this." I was quite agitated and anxious about it.

It was like a random mood swing; we weren't doing anything different

Until I was talking to my psychiatrist and I blurted out some things I'd never said before, and I realized this was the reason.

I have trouble making and keeping friends, always have. And I'm 41 now, an age where like-minded people aren't just around you all the time, unless you seek them out. I am at an age where fixing this issue is paramount.

I had an inkling that the two issues were related. After all, they both concern interpersonal relationships and being around people. But what I blurted out is that they're the exact same issue.

I kinda feel like I'm taking crazy pills here. Why will no one acknowledge how similar platonic friendship is to romance, and how anyone who has trouble with one probably has trouble with the other?

If we weren't engaged in polyamory, and I was trying to fix this friendlessness situation, it would be a lot like being in polyamory, just without the sex. I'd be trying to find someone who wants to spend time with me, and who's comfortable with intimacy with me. (There's more than one kind of intimacy. The depth of intimacy you need to have for the kinds of conversations you have with friends is pretty deep, perhaps deeper than sex.) This is why the concept of an emotional affair exists in the straight world.

By straight standards, I'm basically looking for an ethical emotional affair. (Sorry if that sounds gross. I know that's the kind of thinking we're trying to escape here.)

Some might say that if poly is giving me this much trouble, the logical thing to do is to step back from it. Even when I couldn't articulate why, I knew this wasn't the solution. That would only make things worse...
-----

Part of the reason I want to fix this friendlessness issue is because I am married, so my wife is my only emotional outlet. She can't be the only one. (Isn't that why we're here?) (Now, I am doing this for me. I'm not just doing what others want me to do. But I'd be naive not to think she has an interest, and it would be selfish not to try and meet this interest.)

I identify as non-binary, but I was assigned male at birth, and I don't think I'll ever be viewed as anything but male. And having grown up in the straight world, I don't think a straight-world male-male friendship would ever meet that need for emotional intimacy. While the straight world heaps so much bullshit on top of male-female friendships, they're all but impossible when you're starting from scratch.

The poly world is the only way to go for platonic friendships for me, right now.

I'd love to know what the community thinks of that assertion... too cynical, not cynical enough?

I've been accused of looking at the poly world as if it's a perfect community full of perfect people, but if it's not better than the straight world in this one particular way, I just don't see how it works.

I'm not in crisis anymore. I still don't know what to do, or how to even start, but understanding the dynamic, it doesn't feel impossible anymore. I can try things with the confidence that *something* will work.
 
To me, this part is key:

I identify as non-binary, but I was assigned male at birth, and I don't think I'll ever be viewed as anything but male. And having grown up in the straight world, I don't think a straight-world male-male friendship would ever meet that need for emotional intimacy. While the straight world heaps so much bullshit on top of male-female friendships, they're all but impossible when you're starting from scratch.

The poly world is the only way to go for platonic friendships for me, right now.

I'd love to know what the community thinks of that assertion... too cynical, not cynical enough?

I've been accused of looking at the poly world as if it's a perfect community full of perfect people, but if it's not better than the straight world in this one particular way, I just don't see how it works.
Click to expand...

Since you identify as non-binary, you are part of the LGBTQIA community. Polyamory seems irrelevant to me. There are plenty of straight polyamorous people.

You aren't viewed as anything other than male by the straight world? Work, family, etc.? But you feel like you have a strong female side. Cool. I am non-binary too. I look femme, I've got long wavy hair, a curvy body, I wear some makeup sometimes. However, I feel masc in some circumstances, under certain conditions, and I relate to others who feel somewhere between male and female. I wear masculine, "men's wear" inspired clothing a lot. I love fashion but I don't go in for feminine garb, florals, corsets, high heels, false lashes, stockings, the color pink, etc., for me. I like to watch others wear them, though.

So, rather than thinking you need to make friends who are polyamorous, why aren't you thinking you'd like to make friends with people in the queer community, especially the trans community (depending on what genders you're attracted to, of course)?

Queers of all kinds, or even lesbians and gays, transfolk, androgynous people, drag queens and kings, the list goes on. They'd seem to be people who would "get" you, people you could trust to know instinctively where you're coming from, be non-judgmental, even celebratory of your gender. Maybe you've had trouble making friends your whole life because you've been too steeped in straight, mono, hetero culture?
 
You’ve put words to something a lot of people feel when they transition from ENM or kink-based openness toward polyamory. That moment of “Wait, this feels wrong, but I don’t know why,” is actually a really important signal. It usually means you’re brushing up against the difference between structure and orientation.

From what you’ve written, it sounds like what you’re craving is deep emotional connection and friendship, not necessarily multiple romantic relationships yet, and that’s totally okay. But it’s also why this might still feel like ENM territory, rather than fully polyamorous.

ENM often focuses on structure and ethics — how to do openness well.
Polyamory is more about identity and love — the belief that love itself can be multiple, that each relationship (romantic or otherwise) can stand on its own.

So when you talk about wanting “an ethical emotional affair,” I think what you’re really describing is the transition away from scarcity thinking — moving from “How do I find people who’ll connect with me?” to “How do I open myself to connection, wherever it’s real?”

Polyamory can absolutely include friendships that are emotionally intimate, but what makes it poly isn’t the depth of the intimacy — it’s the presence of love and emotional reciprocity that both people recognize as relational, not just supportive.

You’re right that friendship and romance share the same skills: vulnerability, honesty, communication, empathy. You’re not crazy for seeing the link — you’re just standing on the bridge between ENM logic and polyamorous ethos. You’re already doing the hardest part: seeing the connection.

Once you stop thinking of polyamory as a fix for loneliness, and start seeing it as a practice of open-heartedness, the anxiety often quiets down. You’re not failing at poly; you’re evolving toward what it really is.
 
Hi TSA1984,

It sounds like you are getting to the bottom of what's making you struggle; that's a good sign, keep doing that. I will definitely acknowledge that platonic friendship is similar to romance; they both involve the same emotional skill set. You should keep on pursuing polyamory; just address your friendship difficulties at the same time. It is good that you are talking to a psychiatrist about these things. You can make new friends right here on Polyamory.com, but most of those will of course be long-distance. Is there some way you could get out there and meet people in real life?

Pulling for you,
Kevin T.
 
TSA1984 said:
My wife and I have been doing ENM for a while now, and we've decided to switch to a more polyamorous model for this, rather than kink.

Initially, the switch was very bad for my mental health, for reasons I could not explain. It wasn't anything that happened. We still haven't really done anything differently. It just sent me down a spiral of "I don't know what I am doing" and "I can't do this." I was quite agitated and anxious about it.

It was like a random mood swing; we weren't doing anything different

Until I was talking to my psychiatrist and I blurted out some things I'd never said before, and I realized this was the reason.

I have trouble making and keeping friends, always have. And I'm 41 now, an age where like-minded people aren't just around you all the time, unless you seek them out. I am at an age where fixing this issue is paramount.

I had an inkling that the two issues were related. After all, they both concern interpersonal relationships and being around people. But what I blurted out is that they're the exact same issue.

I kinda feel like I'm taking crazy pills here. Why will no one acknowledge how similar platonic friendship is to romance, and how anyone who has trouble with one probably has trouble with the other?

If we weren't engaged in polyamory, and I was trying to fix this friendlessness situation, it would be a lot like being in polyamory, just without the sex. I'd be trying to find someone who wants to spend time with me, and who's comfortable with intimacy with me. (There's more than one kind of intimacy. The depth of intimacy you need to have for the kinds of conversations you have with friends is pretty deep, perhaps deeper than sex.) This is why the concept of an emotional affair exists in the straight world.

By straight standards, I'm basically looking for an ethical emotional affair. (Sorry if that sounds gross. I know that's the kind of thinking we're trying to escape here.)

Some might say that if poly is giving me this much trouble, the logical thing to do is to step back from it. Even when I couldn't articulate why, I knew this wasn't the solution. That would only make things worse...
-----

Part of the reason I want to fix this friendlessness issue is because I am married, so my wife is my only emotional outlet. She can't be the only one. (Isn't that why we're here?) (Now, I am doing this for me. I'm not just doing what others want me to do. But I'd be naive not to think she has an interest, and it would be selfish not to try and meet this interest.)

I identify as non-binary, but I was assigned male at birth, and I don't think I'll ever be viewed as anything but male. And having grown up in the straight world, I don't think a straight-world male-male friendship would ever meet that need for emotional intimacy. While the straight world heaps so much bullshit on top of male-female friendships, they're all but impossible when you're starting from scratch.

The poly world is the only way to go for platonic friendships for me, right now.

I'd love to know what the community thinks of that assertion... too cynical, not cynical enough?

I've been accused of looking at the poly world as if it's a perfect community full of perfect people, but if it's not better than the straight world in this one particular way, I just don't see how it works.

I'm not in crisis anymore. I still don't know what to do, or how to even start, but understanding the dynamic, it doesn't feel impossible anymore. I can try things with the confidence that *something* will work.
Click to expand...
I know a lot of poly ACE folk who would be nodding sagely right now.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top