Hopeful Partner - Advice Needed Please!

[UKhere91]

Hi everyone, I'm Tom and I'm 32 from the UK. I live with my girlfriend, who is also 32, and we've been together for 15 years. She was my first serious relationship. I'm her first and so far, only sexual partner.

For many years, particularly since we started living together around 8 years ago, I have had desires to share her, and this continues to grow stronger and stronger. She's a very shy person and is difficult to talk to about this kind of thing. When I've tried, she's taken it as, yeah that's really hot, but not sure if I could do it

I still of course find her extremely attractive, but I much prefer listening to her using her dildos from downstairs, than involving myself in anything physical with her, which we haven't done for a while.

I'd love any advice you can give, open to private chats or whatever you are willing. Thank you!

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Tom,

I would suggest having a look-around for a poly-friendly counselor. Someone who can chip away at your girlfriend's shyness. You need to talk about this, without communication poly is dead in the water. Just curious, what do you have in mind, FMF, MFM, or both? Anyway, I hope Polyamory.com can be of help.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[UKhere91]

Hi Kevin,

Thank you so much for your reply. Yes a councilor maybe the way forward, that has been a thought of mine for a while, as the shyness really is holding us back. I'd take anything. I'd be happy for her to go out dating. I don't really have any desire to date myself. I just want to see her happy and enjoying others.

 

[kdt26417]

Okay, that makes sense. What about your sex life -- or lack thereof? Is that a problem for either of you?

 

[UKhere91]

Very much so for her. She's now using dildos and magic wands daily, and I've become very much addicted to online porn, etc. I'll be honest, I did stop the physical stuff myself, as I know she enjoys her dildos more than me, but won't admit it, and I kinda also want to push her into needing to find fun elsewhere, if you see what I mean.

 

[Tenebris Vox]

From what you’ve described, it sounds like your desire is mostly sexual or erotic — wanting to see your partner with someone else — rather than about forming multiple romantic or emotional relationships. That’s totally valid, but it’s actually more in the realm of kink or ENM (ethical non-monogamy) rather than polyamory as most people practice it.

Polyamory usually focuses on emotional and romantic connections that can exist alongside your primary relationship, rather than sexual fantasies or “sharing” your partner. The skills and communication poly requires are about building trust, supporting autonomy, and forming meaningful bonds, not just arranging erotic experiences.

That said, your situation is understandable. Many people explore sexual fantasies safely within ENM or kink communities, and it’s okay to approach it that way. The key is open, patient communication with your partner:

Ask what parts of the fantasy excite her and which feel uncomfortable.

Share your feelings and desires in a non-pressuring way.

Go slowly — consent and comfort come first.


Even if she’s shy, starting with conversation and curiosity is the healthiest next step. You don’t have to act immediately; understanding each other’s boundaries and desires can be exciting in itself.

 

[UKhere91]

From what you’ve described, it sounds like your desire is mostly sexual or erotic — wanting to see your partner with someone else — rather than about forming multiple romantic or emotional relationships. That’s totally valid, but it’s actually more in the realm of kink or ENM (ethical non-monogamy) rather than polyamory as most people practice it.

Polyamory usually focuses on emotional and romantic connections that can exist alongside your primary relationship, rather than sexual fantasies or “sharing” your partner. The skills and communication poly requires are about building trust, supporting autonomy, and forming meaningful bonds, not just arranging erotic experiences.

That said, your situation is understandable. Many people explore sexual fantasies safely within ENM or kink communities, and it’s okay to approach it that way. The key is open, patient communication with your partner:

Ask what parts of the fantasy excite her and which feel uncomfortable.

Share your feelings and desires in a non-pressuring way.

Go slowly — consent and comfort come first.

Even if she’s shy, starting with conversation and curiosity is the healthiest next step. You don’t have to act immediately; understanding each other’s boundaries and desires can be exciting in itself.

Thank you for your reply! ~This is really the first time I've spoken about this openly. So yeah, I think the sexual side is maybe coming to the front due to it being bottled up for so long. As I said, I have spoken to her about it, but nobody else. So it's really nice to actually speak to like-minded people that don't find it 'weird' or would reject me in any way.

The building up of romantic connections alongside our own is absolutely hugely alluring too me. I find that so hot. We've actual spoken about how it would be hot for another man to pick her hairstyle, or choose what she wears when the two of us go on a date, for example. She loves the thought of that.

Thank you for the advice. I very much do want to take it slowly, but also I feel I've been doing that for almost 8 years, so I do need to step it up somehow. How is the question.

 

[Tenebris Vox]

Thank you for your reply! ~This is really the first time I've spoken about this openly. So yeah, I think the sexual side is maybe coming to the front due to it being bottled up for so long. As I said, I have spoken to her about it, but nobody else. So it's really nice to actually speak to like-minded people that don't find it 'weird' or would reject me in any way.
The building up of romantic connections alongside our own is absolutely hugely alluring too me. I find that so hot. We've actual spoken about how it would be hot for another man to pick her hairstyle or choose what she wears, when the two of us go on a date, for example. She loves the thought of that.
Thank you for the advice. I very much do want to take it slowly, but also I feel I've been doing that for almost 8 years, so I do need to step it up somehow.

Thanks for being so open — it really helps to hear where you both are coming from. It sounds like you’re exploring both the sexual/fantasy side and the romantic/emotional side, and both are valid. Since you’ve been “taking it slow” for 8 years, it might help to separate the layers: you can explore fantasies safely through conversation or roleplay, while the emotional/romantic side takes time, communication, and consent to develop real connections. You already have a strong foundation in talking about these things, so now it’s just about deciding which steps to take next and moving forward intentionally, without rushing either of you.

 

[kdt26417]

You said, "When I've tried she's taken it as, 'Yeah that's really hot, but not sure if I could do it.'" Is she saying, "It's not for me?" Is the deal off the table as far as she is concerned? I do hear you saying you want to do this for her.

 

[UKhere91]

You said, "When I've tried she's taken it as, 'Yeah that's really hot, but not sure if I could do it.'" Is she saying, "It's not for me?" Is the deal off the table as far as she is concerned? I do hear you saying you want to do this for her.

I don't think it's off the table. I really don't. And I absolutely know that if she got over her shyness she would love this lifestyle. Her female friends have told me that she talks about other cock when they go out drinking. I've so far managed to stop myself from telling them to go ahead and encourage her to flirt with guys, etc., when they are out. Think it's a good idea to go for it and actually tell them yes?

 

[UKhere91]

Thanks for being so open — it really helps to hear where you both are coming from. It sounds like you’re exploring both the sexual/fantasy side and the romantic/emotional side, and both are valid. Since you’ve been “taking it slow” for 8 years, it might help to separate the layers: you can explore fantasies safely through conversation or roleplay, while the emotional/romantic side takes time, communication, and consent to develop real connections. You already have a strong foundation in talking about these things, so now it’s just about deciding which steps to take next and moving forward intentionally without rushing either of you.

No of course, I'm actually feeling a bit of a weight off by being open about it. Please feel free to ask anything. I agree there are a lot of layers there, maybe a counsiller would be the way forward!

 

[kdt26417]

I think you should tell her female friends, "Yes -- go ahead and encourage her to flirt with guys when you are out." Just my opinion, based on reading this thread so far.

 

[UKhere91]

I think you should tell her female friends, "Yes -- go ahead and encourage her to flirt with guys when you are out." Just my opinion, based on reading this thread so far.

I absoloutely shall, thank you so much.. I just wish it was this weekend that they where going - she's away with work at the moment

 

[kdt26417]

I know the wait can drive you crazy ... Try to be patient ... Keep us posted.

 

[badger]

Thanks for sharing openly.

I still, of course, find her extremely attractive.

This

She's now using dildos and magic wands daily, and I've become very much addicted to online porn, etc.

and this.

DISCLAIMER: this is not relationship advice.
This is my $0.02, merely a perspective.

Somehow, I'm feeling there might be a disconnect btwn you two. This is such a rare story to hear, somebody who grew up together and stayed together. There is something divine that you two have-- a diamond. It's extremely rare. But that doesn't fix the problem.

Could it be that you're just trying to introduce something new to keep it interesting?

I believe the solution to your issue is very very simple, and you traced parts of it yourself.
- Porn. It's fun, sure. You can also watch it together. However, it doesn't deny the fact that it's unrealistic, and just an act. (I quit porn entirely months ago.)
- You find her very attractive. That's the key here.

I think you only forgot how to be passionate, but you can relearn it. You can innovate without trying extreme things, because that's just another trap. You eventually run out of extreme things and you have to make them more extreme. Instead, try being extremely basic, but do it with class. Maybe she likes a flower, maybe she likes when you dress up. Those things build up attraction. But you have to feel it.

Believe in yourself.

 

[MoPoly]

… I know she enjoys her dildos more than me, but won't admit it, and I kinda also want to push her into needing to find fun elsewhere, if you see what I mean.

How do you know, if she won’t admit it?

I definitely do not think you should tell her female friends to tell her ‘to go for it’ with other guys. I think that’s very poor advice if you want to do polyamory and have a relationship at the end of it.

Polyamory only works well if there is good communication, and it doesn’t sound as if you two are really speaking to each other in any depth. So adding the layers of nuance and complexity of polyamory is just going to add strain.

Do you know the answers to the following?

Is she feeling rejected by you not wanting to have sex with her anymore?

Does she wonder why you prefer porn to her?

Why do you think she prefers dildos to you?

Does she want to experiment more?

What are her own fantasies?

Could her liking to chat about sex with other guys just be to please you?

She's a very shy person and is difficult to talk to about this kind of thing. When I've tried, she's taken it as, yeah that's really hot, but not sure if I could do it.

Because this sounds like she has a fantasy, or is willing to entertain your fantasy. But that is not the same as planning to act on it IRL. And it’s not something she’s suggesting.

I get that you’re developing a cuck fetish and excited to explore it, but fetish and swinging are not the same as polyamory.

Polyamory is about having multiple loves. It would be about her falling in love with someone else. And if you’re too shy to communicate with each other now, how on earth will you manage do discuss safe sex, boundaries, NRE, jealousy, hinge skills, etc., etc., etc.?

I really recommend you both start seeing a poly-friendly couples counsellor together, to learn how to open up and talk to each other about your current relationship first, then about any possible future scenarios. Spend some in-depth time really reading, studying, exploring and discussing together what ‘opening up’ really involves. If you really want to stay together, you shouldn’t skip this.

 

[LoveBunny]

This thread gives me the ick. Are men seriously encouraging another man to take his girlfriend to a poly-friendly counselor because he wants her to cuck him and her "shyness really is holding us back"?!

This is HIS kink. It is not HERS. He has talked to her about it to her and her response is "Yeah, that's really hot, but not sure if I could do it." That is NOT joyful consent. You are attempting to manufacture consent where there isn't any. She's not "shy," it's not that she "won't admit it." She doesn't want to. She can playfully talk about it, even indulge in fantasizing about it with him, but the reality is, she isn't willing to sleep with another man with the intention of getting both men off.

Would you expect the girlfriend to do this to please the OP, who is doing nothing to please her? He doesn't fuck her (in the hopes that she'll turn to another man.) He is rotting his sexuality with porn, though he must know porn is fake, and most of those women are not experiencing an ounce of sexual gratification.

If you have a kink/fetish, you should absolutely talk to your girlfriend about it. Have a conversation. That does NOT mean cajoling, begging, manipulating by withholding sex, enlisting her friends as your flying monkeys, dragging her to a poly counselor when she has no interest in poly, or otherwise plotting and scheming.

 

[Magdlyn]

This thread gives me the ick. Are men seriously encouraging another man to take his girlfriend to a poly-friendly counselor because he wants her to cuck him and her "shyness really is holding us back"?!

This is HIS kink. It is not HERS. He has talked to her about it to her and her response is "Yeah, that's really hot, but not sure if I could do it." That is NOT joyful consent. You are attempting to manufacture consent where there isn't any. She's not "shy," it's not that she "won't admit it." She doesn't want to. She can playfully talk about it, even indulge in fantasizing about it with him, but the reality is, she isn't willing to sleep with another man with the intention of getting both men off.

Would you expect the girlfriend to do this to please the OP, who is doing nothing to please her? He doesn't fuck her (in the hopes that she'll turn to another man.) He is rotting his sexuality with porn, though he must know porn is fake, and most of those women are not experiencing an ounce of sexual gratification.

If you have a kink/fetish, you should absolutely talk to your girlfriend about it. Have a conversation. That does NOT mean cajoling, begging, manipulating by withholding sex, enlisting her friends as your flying monkeys, dragging her to a poly counselor when she has no interest in poly, or otherwise plotting and scheming.

I agree with this 100%. I will share my personal opinion as an experienced polyamorous practioner. I felt an increasing amount of horror reading the OP and the further replies from Kevin and Phillip. I know you guys mean well, and maybe you also enjoy cuckoldry yourselves, but come on, you have no empathy for the OP's gf in this case.

The girlfriend here has only had one sex partner/lover. He is now admittedly addicted to porn (which is entirely fantasy), and cuckolding fantasies, and masturbation, I suppose, and enjoys hearing his sex-deprived gf upstairs having to pleasure herself, and gets off on that sound, rather than going and actually joining her in mutual pleasure.

That just sounds sadly disconnected, to me. And any addiction is, of course, unhealthy.

OP, if you want to further your fantasies by coercing your gf into getting with other guys for YOUR pleasure, even to the point of panting excitedly at the idea of encouraging your gf's friends to encourage her to flirt and, I guess, hook up with randos at a bar, and she is not entirely into this idea of her own volition, your relationship is in deep trouble.

I don't agree that this relationship shape is "a divine rare diamond." There are plenty of couples who get together in high school or college, and have never dated others, and then get that "seven year itch" and start looking around for new partners, unethically. Many just cheat. Others, like this OP, do other things, like withholding sex from his gf (showing her he prefers fake actors on a small screen to her actual body and soul), and encouraging her to get with other guys to extend his own fantasies and cucking kink.

Sheesh, OP, if you're tired of each other, just break up. You can continue to jerk off to porn, and gf can get a new partner who actually appreciates her and is an unselfish lover who will actually touch her.

 

[badger]

I agree with this 100%. I will share my personal opinion as an experienced polyamorous practioner. I felt an increasing amount of horror reading the OP and the further replies from Kevin and Phillip. I know you guys mean well, and maybe you also enjoy cuckoldry yourselves, but come on, you have no empathy for the OP's gf in this case.

The girlfriend here has only had one sex partner/lover. He is now admittedly addicted to porn (which is entirely fantasy), and cuckolding fantasies, and masturbation, I suppose, and enjoys hearing his sex-deprived gf upstairs having to pleasure herself, and gets off on that sound, rather than going and actually joining her in mutual pleasure.

That just sounds sadly disconnected, to me. And any addiction is, of course, unhealthy.

OP, if you want to further your fantasies by coercing your gf into getting with other guys for YOUR pleasure, even to the point of panting excitedly at the idea of encouraging your gf's friends to encourage her to flirt and, I guess, hook up with randos at a bar, and she is not entirely into this idea of her own volition, your relationship is in deep trouble.

I don't agree that this relationship shape is "a divine rare diamond." There are plenty of couples who get together in high school or college, and have never dated others, and then get that "seven year itch" and start looking around for new partners, unethically. Many just cheat. Others, like this OP, do other things, like withholding sex from his gf (showing her he prefers fake actors on a small screen to her actual body and soul), and encouraging her to get with other guys to extend his own fantasies and cucking kink.

Sheesh, OP, if you're tired of each other, just break up. You can continue to jerk off to porn, and gf can get a new partner who actually appreciates her and is an unselfish lover who will actually touch her.

After seeing you say you get an ick and horror, but then end your post with "just break up" I start to question the entirety of your message, including the "lack of empathy" part.

Seems like you read it through a rather biased lens, not through one that comes from understanding, which I doubt helps OP deal with this.
But hey, maybe I am wrong.

Nonetheless "Believe in yourself" is way better advice than "just break up and continue jerking off "

 

[UKhere91]

Looks like I caused some trouble here. I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to. Maybe I am a worthless awful man. I don't doubt you may be right. But my 'fantasy' comes from the belief that this really is the lifestyle she wants, but she's just too shy to allow herself to go get it.. I want her to be happy. That's the main thing. I just don't know how to do it.