Discussion Question: Dates and their Aftermath

YesThisIsDog242

YesThisIsDog242

Member
This was a topic discussion that came to me, and I'm excited to hear from y'all about your personal experiences.

As I've gotten older (currently 26), I've found myself trying less hard to impress people when going on dates with them. That being said, I still get bummed out if it doesn't end up leading to a friendship or romantic relationship. I also notice that this is especially intense if I did genuinely enjoy their company.

My most helpful thing I've learned is, "If I try to edit myself too much for others, then I'll end up both attracting the wrong people, and potentially missing ones who would appreciate my more comfortable self." However, feelings of rejection haven't gotten less painful. :')

So now I'm curious, what has your experience been with presenting yourself on dates, and handling ones that don't work out like you hoped? Has it gotten easier or harder as you've aged, or is it less linear for you than that?

Any lessons you've personally learned that have helped with this topic, please feel free to share :)
 
Hi YesThisIsDog,

There's only been one time that I've gone on a date before establishing a solid friendship, the one time was a dance in high school, I was already in love with the girl, but it's hard to say if/how smitten she was with me. In any case, the following weeks saw us break up, where I was pursuing her (phone calls), but she was retreating, and eventually gave me a note saying we were too young for a relationship. It was a bummer, but I survived. A few years later, I fell in love with an older woman and ended up marrying her. The few dates she and I went on prior to that obviously didn't end with a break up, also my current partner and I dated some before connecting in a poly V. Again these were all dates in which there was already a spark, so I don't have much experience with their aftermath.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Your question seems to imply the kind of date during which you meet someone off-line for a first time after exchanging a few texts through a dating site.

I am 42. I've gotten to know all except 1 of my past partners during community events, among friends, in school and on similar occasions; and that one relationship was the shortest "relationship" I've ever had (3 weeks). The dates I've had through a dating site were awkward at best; meeting someone with the explicit question "let's talk and see whether we want to date each other" gets on my nerves! I've had similar experiences as you describe: sometimes being attracted to the other person and then being disappointed it's not mutual, other times feeling uncomfortable how to communicate that I'm not that interested while the other person would be, and most often just simply spending an hour in a relaxed chat because it was clear within 10 minutes that neither side would be interested in a second date (I've actually enjoyed those dates the most).

I firmly believe that the best way to get to know someone is meeting them through common friends, school, work, or through activities like hikes, volunteering, meet-ups (check out meetup.com), etc. Even so, I've had some pretty awkward dates with people whom I got to know "naturally" - including one guy whom I've known through years of volunteering and with whom I vibe really well in many ways, but when we went to have a lunch together outside of the volunteering setting, it somehow didn't click, so we never tried it again (although I am generally still attracted to him, and years later, he's still single). However, at least some of the stress isn't there if you know the person has already had a chance to see you in person, notice how you interact with them and with others, etc.
 
Sisilisko said:
Your question seems to imply the kind of date during which you meet someone off-line for a first time after exchanging a few texts through a dating site.

I am 42. I've gotten to know all except 1 of my past partners during community events, among friends, in school and on similar occasions; and that one relationship was the shortest "relationship" I've ever had (3 weeks). The dates I've had through a dating site were awkward at best; meeting someone with the explicit question "let's talk and see whether we want to date each other" gets on my nerves! I've had similar experiences as you describe: sometimes being attracted to the other person and then being disappointed it's not mutual, other times feeling uncomfortable how to communicate that I'm not that interested while the other person would be, and most often just simply spending an hour in a relaxed chat because it was clear within 10 minutes that neither side would be interested in a second date (I've actually enjoyed those dates the most).

I firmly believe that the best way to get to know someone is meeting them through common friends, school, work, or through activities like hikes, volunteering, meet-ups (check out meetup.com), etc. Even so, I've had some pretty awkward dates with people whom I got to know "naturally" - including one guy whom I've known through years of volunteering and with whom I vibe really well in many ways, but when we went to have a lunch together outside of the volunteering setting, it somehow didn't click, so we never tried it again (although I am generally still attracted to him, and years later, he's still single). However, at least some of the stress isn't there if you know the person has already had a chance to see you in person, notice how you interact with them and with others, etc.
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This is a great point, and is one of the reasons that I'm planning on moving out of my current area, where lgbt community spaces are rare and diminishing.

Dates through apps can be really stressful. I can even feel myself constantly evaluating "Is this person someone I'd want to date?", and I think that's a type of pressure that makes it hard to organically connect with someone.

There's a very common sentiment in the gay community where I'm at of wishing we could meet someone more organically. Thinking about it, a common unconventional version of that tends to be through Grindr. My only long-term partner was a guy I went to meet under casual sex, but we really enjoyed each other's company. I've had a few friends with similar stories.

Thanks for sharing, it's making me understand a little more that I'm still putting undue pressure on myself and my dates. It can be great when I'm in the headspace of just enjoying someone's company without any other expectations.
 
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kdt26417 said:
Hi YesThisIsDog,

There's only been one time that I've gone on a date before establishing a solid friendship, the one time was a dance in high school, I was already in love with the girl, but it's hard to say if/how smitten she was with me. In any case, the following weeks saw us break up, where I was pursuing her (phone calls), but she was retreating, and eventually gave me a note saying we were too young for a relationship. It was a bummer, but I survived. A few years later, I fell in love with an older woman and ended up marrying her. The few dates she and I went on prior to that obviously didn't end with a break up, also my current partner and I dated some before connecting in a poly V. Again these were all dates in which there was already a spark, so I don't have much experience with their aftermath.

Regards,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...
That's definitely a thing about the American religious ideal of "Date to marry". It's a lot of pressure to put on kids who might just want to figure out what they want out of romantic relationships in the first place.

Thanks for sharing :)
 
No prob.

Those were the days, right? 1983 I believe it was, in the heart of Mormon country.
 
YesThisIsDog242 said:
This was a topic discussion that came to me, and I'm excited to hear from y'all about your personal experiences.

As I've gotten older (currently 26), I've found myself trying less hard to impress people when going on dates with them. That being said, I still get bummed out if it doesn't end up leading to a friendship or romantic relationship. I also notice that this is especially intense if I did genuinely enjoy their company.

My most helpful thing I've learned is, "If I try to edit myself too much for others, then I'll end up both attracting the wrong people, and potentially missing ones who would appreciate my more comfortable self." However, feelings of rejection haven't gotten less painful. :')

So now I'm curious, what has your experience been with presenting yourself on dates, and handling ones that don't work out like you hoped? Has it gotten easier or harder as you've aged, or is it less linear for you than that?

Any lessons you've personally learned that have helped with this topic, please feel free to share :)
Click to expand...
Let's see. I am more than twice your age, so I've had a lot more experience. I dated several people from age 15-19. I was already jaded to dating (and men/boys) when I met the guy who ended up moving in with me. I met him through a friend of a friend in college. We got married when I was 22. We were together for over 30 years and then separated/divorced. I was 53. I'd always been poly, but lived mono when I was with my (ex) husband.

By the time we divorced, dating sites were a thing. This was 2009. I met my gf right away; she was poly. It was luck and fate. 🥰 We both continued to date others. I mostly used OK Cupid, which used to be better back in the 2010s. I also joined Fetlife. I tried plentyoffish but hated it. Feeld is a popular poly-friendly site these days.

Yes, it isn't uncommon to meet someone for a hookup and have it turn into love and a LTR.

I met my current bf (4+ years together now) after chatting with him off and on, on Fetlife, for about three years. We had crushes on each other, but I didn't let it get out of hand because he was in a mono relationship. I hadn't dated anyone else in several years at that point, besides my gf, because I had become very jaded from all the disappointing men (and a couple women) I'd attempted relationships with. Relationships lasted (if there was a second date) anywhere from 3 months to 2.5 years. There was disappointment, rejection, confusion. I dated people who outright lied about their agendas. One turned out to be an emotionally abusive narcissist. Another was a pervert who sexually touched my gf while she was sleeping!

So, my problem wasn't about not being my authentic self. I think once one hits 40, it is quite common to have become self-aware and self-accepting, and not to pretend to be someone other than who you are. My problem was my strong libido made me date people who weren't as nice as they should have been, but were good in bed and could scratch my itch. Darn body! A high libido is a blessing and a curse.

So, long story short, I guess-- be yourself! Be as open and honest as you can be. Don't be a dick, of course. Then you will finally attract someone who is suited for the real you.

I made the choice to avoid dating so much from a sexual POV. I wrote to Aries as a friend for those three years, until we finally met, post-pandemic, and after he was free to try and date as a newly polyamorous person. And here was are 4 years later, doing very well.
 
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