Tips on transitioning a monogamous relationship needed

[GalaGirl]

You seem to answer it in your posts. I could be wrong, but it sounds to me like this:

• You want typical monogamy.
• You want a monogamous partner who is honest, open, can spend lots of quality time together, can be happy hanging around the house with dogs.
• You do NOT want anyone who is dishonest, not open, has limited time, can't deal with dogs, wants porn, wants to flirt with other people.
• Unspoken: you seem to want shared values, and no "joking" about sex stuff. Friends are platonic and not code for "friends" like "FWB" or "dating partners."
• Unspoken: You seem to want a partner who is comfortable with themselves.

How much sharing I can handle I am not sure I can say until/unless I experience the attempt. How do you know where your limits are?

Not the same, but maybe this helps you.

I don't have to "try golf" to know how much real golf I can handle. I have no desire to "try it" or "experience it," because I'm very allergic to grass. I do no grass things. The closest I'll ever come is mini golf, and even then, if it can be indoors, that's better. So for me the answer is "Zero real golf on grass courses."

I think knowing you want monogamy is enough. Preferences don’t require experimentation to be valid—just like someone doesn’t need to try a food, a sport, or a career path to know it’s just not what they want or just not something they are into trying. Sometimes clarity comes from your values, inner needs, or simply how you’re wired.

This seems less about knowing what you want, and more about dealing with the fact that maybe you and she no longer want the same things? Maybe even worry or anticipatory grief. Could any of that be true?

Galagirl

 

[Confusedspouse]

You seem to answer it in your posts. I could be wrong, but it sounds to me like this:

• You want typical monogamy.
• You want a monogamous partner who is honest, is open, can spend lots of quality time together, can be happy hanging around the house with dogs.
• You do NOT want anyone who is dishonest, not open, has limited time, can't deal with dogs, wants porn, wants to flirt with other people.
• Unspoken: you seem to want shared values, and no "joking" about sex stuff. Friends are platonic and not code for "friends" like "FWB" or "dating partners."
• Unspoken: You seem to want a partner who is comfortable with themselves.

I kinda gave up on exactly ideal as a teen. I learned a long time ago your typical relationship - monogamous or not - involves the other person wanting porn, flirting with others, "eye candy," etc. Humans are hardwired for the most part to sexual interest in many people. I accepted I am the oddball for *not* feeling it. It hurt for a while, but I adjusted to my partners always being able to feel 100% secure at all times about my lack of interest in others, while I never will be able to, because they will always be, on some level, interested in other people.

Which... I still feel a bit jealous of my partners for what they get from me. Was talking with wife about her interest in others tonight and asked her what her line was for me with other people. She said she didn't need to even think of a line for me because of how I am. I'd never be even slightly interested in someone else. So even the lines she had for exes don't exist for me because of my nature. She said even if I was in a room full of strippers, she'd just ask what medical emergency made me go in, because there is no other reason I'd be around others sexually. Sigh.

This seems less about knowing what you want, and more about dealing with the fact that maybe you and she no longer want the same things. Maybe even worry or anticipatory grief. Could any of that be true?

I will be honest, if I looked for just what I want on paper, I would be a 39 yr old that never dated. So, I tend to look less for "what I want" and more for "what can I accept and still be happy." When you are a minority within a minority, you don't really get the luxury of ideals.

So, it is more "I know, as it stands now, opening would hurt. But could I adapt, as I have with other things about people?" And I don't really know the answer.

I showed my wife the Poly Hell article, but she said it was too long and wouldn't read it. We discussed our "top 3" with other people... what I want to not do and what she wants to not lose. And we are going to do weekly check-ins to see if the goalposts need to move, or if we can both handle what it is.

She basically said her abusive ex makes her feel any boundaries with other people is being controlled. I told her there is a difference in relationship boundaries and control, and that even non-monogamous relationships have boundaries. She ended up chatting with chatgpt about it and the AI agreed with me. So now she said she is willing to try discussing boundaries.

 

[Tinwen]

I kinda gave up on exactly ideal as a teen. I learned a long time ago your typical relationship - monogamous or not - involves the other person wanting porn, flirting with others, "eye candy," etc. Humans are hardwired for the most part to sexual interest in many people. I accepted I am the oddball for *not* feeling it. It hurt for a while, but I adjusted to my partners always being able to feel 100% secure at all times about my lack of interest in others, while I never will be able to, because they will always be, on some level, interested in other people.

That "level" however differs widely and matters a lot to your compatibility. It's good that you can accept that other people feel attraction differently, but you can still find people who do not want to push the boundaries of monogamy...

I will be honest, if I looked for just what I want on paper, I would be a 39 yr old that never dated. So, I tend to look less for "what I want" and more for "what can I accept and still be happy." When you are a minority within a minority, you don't really get the luxury of ideals.

I get that.

So, it is more "I know, as it stands now, opening would hurt. But could I adapt, as I have with other things about people?" And I don't really know the answer.

I hope you don't pust yourself too hard. Finding a monogamous person doesn't seem like too high a standard, sounds very possible even for minorities within minorities.

I showed my wife the Poly Hell article, but she said it was too long and wouldn't read it. We discussed our "top 3" with other people... what I want to not do and what she wants to not lose. And we are going to do weekly check-ins to see if the goalposts need to move, or if we can both handle what it is.

She basically said her abusive ex makes her feel any boundaries with other people is being controlled. I told her there is a difference in relationship boundaries and control, and that even non-monogamous relationships have boundaries. She ended up chatting with chatgpt about it and the AI agreed with me. So now she said she is willing to try discussing boundaries.

It sounds hopefull! Maybe you can find some common ground.

 

[Sisilisko]

I learned a long time ago your typical relationship - monogamous or not - involves the other person wanting porn, flirting with others, "eye candy," etc.

I am a 42year old woman who's never watched any porn, has read very little of it, does not tend to flirt with people when she is already in a relationship, and does not really know what you mean by "eye candy"... of course I can recognize a handsome chap, but frankly I've always thought that the majority of women feel sexual attraction only after developing emotional connection (even though I'm aware there's a substantial number of women for whom that's not the case), so I've only learnt the word "demisexual" today from your post. I understand it's a little different for men - if I can judge by the sample of my exboyfriends, I'd say porn is pretty common but not ubiquitous, flirting with someone else while in a relationship with me was non-existent or possibly they were decent enough not to do it when I could see it, and yes, my exes could enjoy looking at a beautiful woman, but I'm not jealous when they find joy in looking at a beautiful sunset or a cute kitten, so why would I be jealous when they find beauty in a human being, plus again, they always had the decency not to rub it into my eyes.

What I want to say is this: we seem to live in very different environments. In my world, GalaGirl's summary seems like very realistic expectations. Maybe you don't want to change your expectations, but rather your environment.

 

[GalaGirl]

I’m really sorry you’re going through all of this. Honestly, I don’t even know how to respond — there’s so much happening here. I hope writing it out helps you vent a bit.

From what you’ve described, a few patterns keep coming up repeatedly:

• She makes agreements without follow-through. She agrees to boundaries, then violates them, minimizes them, or reframes them afterward.
• She avoids clarity and taking personal responsibility for how her choices affect you. She won’t define lines, engage in counseling or resources, and shuts down conversations once things get uncomfortable.
• She prioritizes herself and her other relationships over the marriage. I’m not sure if she is seeking stimulus, NRE high/dopamine, escapism, or something else, but a lot of her time, attention, and emotional energy are directed elsewhere while the marriage is framed as “too restrictive” and is neglected.
  • She complains but doesn’t say she wants to leave the marriage. If it’s too restrictive and she’s unhappy in it, what is she getting out of staying?
  • Is this a nourishing marriage for you? What do you get?

She basically said her abusive ex makes her feel any boundaries with other people is being controlled. I told her there is a difference in relationship boundaries and control, and that even non-monogamous relationships have boundaries. She ended up chatting with chatgpt about it and the AI agreed with me. So now she said she is willing to try discussing boundaries.

You are not her ex. You aren’t controlling her. You aren’t forcing her to create agreements with you. She could just say, “No, thanks. I don’t agree to that.” She could take personal responsibility for her choices and own them. Is it that she doesn’t want to exercise any self-control or be responsible?

Or do you mean she wants to "be free" and act like she's single?

The part where she won’t listen to you if you say something, but if ChatGPT says the same thing, THEN she will listen to you? That’s really odd. I can only imagine how frustrating that is — like talking in circles or talking to a wall. Or like some AI tool gets treated more like a real person than you do.

I’m not sure how this would get better. You also sound resigned and a bit depressed. Maybe focusing on your own well-being first is the step that has to happen before the relationship can improve? Even in a plane crash, you are supposed to put your own oxygen mask on first before trying to help others.

Gently… I really think you could benefit from individual counseling. Not to push you toward polyamory or divorce, but to help you figure out what’s actually healthy and sustainable for you, and where your actual limits are.

This is a lot to handle.

You have my sympathy.

Galagirl

 

[Tinwen]

The part where she won’t listen to you if you say something, but if ChatGPT says the same thing, THEN she will listen to you? That’s really odd. I can only imagine how frustrating that is — like talking in circles or talking to a wall. Or like some AI tool gets treated more like a real person than you do.

She listened enough to get a second opinion, contradicting her own. In this case, she got it from the very thing that excels in summarizing the mainstream. At least it got personal biases of her 'friends' out of the way.
If she won't read internet articles but will talk to chatgpt, well, then that's where she gets her ENM education. It will know the basics and common pitfalls. Everything we've put on the internet is feeding the beast.
It's a changing world and more and more people act like her, just as we all got used to googling. It's a global addiction on the rise.

 

[Confusedspouse]

She listened enough to get a second opinion, contradicting her own. In this case, she got it from the very thing that excels in summarizing the mainstream. At least it got personal biases of her 'friends' out of the way.

Her "friend" was a major issue I think in talking about anything. Of course, she was as well, cause I told her *not* to discuss our business with the "friend". But... when I was ignored for weeks, her face was in her phone even during our time together and she was doing "crush grins" to messages she got, she left her "positive journal" open and in plain site with a girls name in it (as in, she wrote in it in the bathroom and put the toilet paper on top of the entry... I went to pee and saw the names when I grabbed the roll cause it was impossible to not see). I asked her if there was someone else. She immediately went and told my concerns to the girl, who called me controlling/jealous and mocked me. And then every time I mentioned any issues with them, she would go get validated that I was the issue, not their behavior. They had a social network of shared friends and an entire life together, with joke "adopted kids" and people who shipped them and thought they made a great pair. And they all agreed I was the issue for being concerned with the behavior at all in a (up til that point) traditional monogamous marriage.

The "friend" was also accused by her boyfriend of cheating on him. She also mocked her boyfriend being "too sensitive" and "too controlling" for not approving of her behavior with other people. While asking my wife if she can come to bed with my wife instead of sleeping with her bf, in private texts. And constantly disrespected him. "Oh I could never tell my boyfriend about this... he's way too sensitive..." or "my boyfriend asked me where I was when I disappeared for hours from our shared home and left my kid (from another man) with him, how dare he"...

And sorry if my absolute venom towards her is coming out. I truly began to hate that woman. My wife told her I had issues with drug topics because it makes me uncomfortable, so the first time we met she did nothing but talk about drugs for 3 hours straight (to my wife, who allowed it). If I was around she would start going on about how she was given primary spot in this important thing my wife made, that she could have shared with me but chose this woman instead. Or how she spent hours and hours talking in private to my wife. Or how my wife shared this or that private moment with her. Or how much time they spent that day together. Just anything and everything she could do to push my buttons, non-stop. I finally snapped at her one time and that is when she asked my wife to pick between us because I was "rude".

I have told my wife how I felt she let this person absolutely mistreat me and she herself disrespected me to her "friends" in how she talked about me. And did nothing but defend the woman whenever I had an issue. She admitted she put the "friend"'s feelings first.

That sort of "absolutely obsessed with the woman, doesn't care about anyone else" sort of behavior I absolutely cannot take, if that is how she handles future "friends".

 

[Confusedspouse]

I’m really sorry you’re going through all of this. Honestly, I don’t even know how to respond — there’s so much happening here. I hope writing it out helps you vent a bit.

From what you’ve described, a few patterns keep coming up repeatedly:

• She makes agreements without follow-through. She agrees to boundaries, then violates them, minimizes them, or reframes them afterward.
• She avoids clarity and taking personal responsibility for how her choices affect you. She won’t define lines, engage in counseling or resources, and shuts down conversations once things get uncomfortable.
• She prioritizes herself and her other relationships over the marriage. I’m not sure if she is seeking stimulus, NRE high/dopamine, escapism, or something else, but a lot of her time, attention, and emotional energy are directed elsewhere while the marriage is framed as “too restrictive” and is neglected.
  • She complains but doesn’t say she wants to leave the marriage. If it’s too restrictive and she’s unhappy in it, what is she getting out of staying?
  • Is this a nourishing marriage for you? What do you get?

I honestly... am still trying to figure out what in our marriage is real and how she feels. I was totally happy for years, she says she wasnt. She tells me one thing as what she wants, then tells me she was just saying it to please me ages later. Did she always want the deep intimate stuff with others and didnt say anything this whole time? Is it the transition teenager phase ? I have seriously no idea. Like, she told me she hates being around pot heads and people who make drugs their personality are annoying. But the woman she chose to have an outside intimate relationship with was a drug addict? She says she doesnt want XYZ much, then turns around and complains XYZ isnt in our relationship enough. She says she wants alone time, then says im neglecting her when I encourage activities alone.

So. I kinda feel just very confused. I know when they are on hormones theres a "second puberty". I kinda feel like maybe she's at the height of that. Because she feels like trying to figure out an unstable teenage girl, rather than a fully fledged adult. And this all came on rather ... suddenly in May. Before that we had a stable come home from work, spend time, go work, sometimes go do things we both wanna do (like theme parks or whatever) when we have time, she had a few normal friendships. It was a perfectly average marriage. Boring from the outside probably in its absolute normalcy. Bought a house together, set it up. Spend evenings snuggled on the couch watching Netflix, or sometimes playing phone games on the couch cause we are both exhausted from work but still same room just different games.

You are not her ex. You aren’t controlling her. You aren’t forcing her to create agreements with you. She could just say, “No, thanks. I don’t agree to that.” She could take personal responsibility for her choices and own them. Is it that she doesn’t want to exercise any self-control or be responsible?

She said she feels any "boundary" is control based rather than reasonable. "I am not comfortable with you talking about us to X" to her brain is "abuser saying dont get an outside opinion of their behavior ". She seems to judge everyone by her ex's intentions. So then "let's put some reasonable boundaries with friends" becomes "you arent allowed to hang out with friends and belong to me". Which... I guess when she read the AI which is mainstream taught and it explained the difference in control and boundaries she realized you can have one without the other. Or something. I told her if shes not going to do therapy to figure herself out about her trauma she needs to find a support group or something. Because, honestly, I made sure I was over the everyone putting me into fight or flight over little things before I dated again.

Or do you mean she wants to "be free" and act like she's single?

She wants no "rules" in a relationship. Like she should be able to do whatever with anyone else as if single and I should trust she wont leave. And that's that.

I’m not sure how this would get better. You also sound resigned and a bit depressed. Maybe focusing on your own well-being first is the step that has to happen before the relationship can improve? Even in a plane crash, you are supposed to put your own oxygen mask on first before trying to help others.

Im not depressed. I have a decent job that I do well. I have three dogs. I was quite happy with everything until May 2025 tbh. When my wife suddenly shifted to another partner. A bit thrown now, was depressed during the worst of it (and got on sertraline for it). But, mostly calm now the relationship between them is over.

I just accepted a long time ago I am an outlier. I had a 1 year romantic relationship, adored the man... no sexual feelings at all. We broke up due to differences. Two year romantic relationship, lived together a bit, still no sexual feelings (large part of breakup). 10 year previous marriage that was abusive, took a year off dating after to sort myself out. Figured out my sexuality was way off the norm. Did LGBT groups and all to research. Joined the asexual community. Found other people that finally felt similar. But... research says the asexual spectrum is 1% of the population. Within that 1% are also aromantics. The dating pool for me, without making a mixed relationship mess (which, largely doesnt work - who wants to devote a year or more to a romantic relationship where you may never want sex from them? Or live in a sexless monogamous relationship that is romantically close if it never develops?), is very tiny and spread out. And worse, now I know I can develop it maybe .. I run the risk of asexuals not being compatible and non-aces not being compatible and I have no way of knowing if it will ever develop or not until years into a romantic connection. I accept that as a reality.

Add in other ideals and... I accept the likelihood of finding an ideal on paper partner as low.

Gently… I really think you could benefit from individual counseling. Not to push you toward polyamory or divorce, but to help you figure out what’s actually healthy and sustainable for you, and where your actual limits are.

I had individual counseling until we tried marriage counseling for the three sessions. I paused it for that.

 

[GalaGirl]

Yes — I can see how this would be confusing. Anyone would feel that way in this situation.

FWIW, I don’t think you actually need to “solve” her or get to the exact truth of what she feels, means, or wants. You could simply accept that she’s "all over the place" right now and frequently changes. That might be temporary due to hormones, or it might be the “new her” even after the transition-related changes settle.

If this isn’t a transition phase and this is just how things stay, then you get to decide whether being partnered with someone who is this up-and-down works for you or not.

What stands out to me is that your wife’s behavior, priorities, and narratives seem to shift constantly. What she says she wants, what she does, and how she frames things afterward don’t line up in a stable way. Living inside that kind of inconsistency would leave almost anyone feeling disoriented.

At a certain point, the “why” (hormones, trauma/abuse history, identity changes, NRE, etc.) matters less than the impact on you. This is what being in a relationship with her looks like right now. And it’s reasonable to ask whether this version of the relationship is healthy or sustainable for you, even if there might be an explanation for it or it might change later.

I hope you keep centering your own well-being and clarity as you figure out what you want to do next.

GG

 

[Magdlyn]

I am still trying to figure out what in our marriage is real and how she feels. I was totally happy for years. She says she wasn't.

When you were "totally happy for years," did she know she was trans? Did she tell you she was thinking she was trans? I can see why she wasn't happy, if she felt she was really a woman, but presenting as male in a MF marriage. Add to that, she perhaps wasn't as asexual as she was meant to be, but was repressing her sexuality since she felt disconnected to her genitalia.

She tells me one thing as what she wants, then tells me she was just saying it to please me ages later.

Being a "people pleaser" always stems from childhood family of origin issues. It seems she isn't willing to look at that yet.

Did she always want the deep intimate stuff with others and didn't say anything this whole time?

Quite possibly. Or it's something new. Either way, you were both apparently not conscious of it.

Is it the transition teenager phase? I have seriously no idea.

Time will tell. Therapy would help so much... sigh...

Like, she told me she hates being around pot heads, and people who make drugs their personality are annoying. But the woman she chose to have an outside intimate relationship with was a drug addict. She says she doesn't want XYZ much, then turns around and complains XYZ isn't in our relationship enough. She says she wants alone time, then says I'm neglecting her when I encourage activities alone.

That sounds exhausting! It's like she doesn't know herself, but expects you to know her, somehow.

I feel very confused. I know when they are on hormones there's a "second puberty". I feel like she's at the height of that. It feels like trying to figure out an unstable teenage girl, rather than a fully-fledged adult. And this all came on rather suddenly in May.

Yes.

Before that, we had [stable habits:]

[i.e.,] come home from work, spend time, go to work, sometimes go do things we both wanna do (like theme parks or whatever) when we have time. She had a few normal friendships. It was a perfectly average marriage, boring from the outside, probably, in its absolute normalcy. We bought a house together, set it up. [We used to] spend evenings snuggled on the couch watching Netflix, or sometimes played phone games on the couch, because we were both exhausted from work, but [we were] still in the same room, just on different games.

She said she feels any "boundary" is control-based rather than reasonable. "I am not comfortable with you talking about us to X," to her brain, is "[My abuser is saying] don't get an outside opinion of [my] behavior."

I can see how someone would want to talk to a good friend about their transition and how it is affecting their marriage. And sometimes if someone is fed up with their marriage, they will paint their spouse as an absolute villain to a friend. This might be unfair, because you don't sound terrible. It sounds like you're trying to figure her out as she is now, while still trying to retain your sanity, and have hope to save your marriage with this "new person."

But the reality is, marriages often don't survive when one spouse transitions. I guess we could ask chatgpt for the statistics on that.

She seems to judge everyone by her ex's intentions. So then "let's put some reasonable boundaries with friends" becomes "You aren't allowed to hang out with friends. You belong to me". Which... I guess when she read the AI, which is mainstream taught, and it explained the difference in control and boundaries, she realized you can have one without the other. Or something. I told her if she's not going to do therapy to figure herself out about her trauma, she needs to find a support group or something. Because, honestly, I made sure I was over everyone putting me into fight or flight over little things before I dated again.

She wants no "rules" in a relationship. Like she should be able to do whatever with anyone else, as if single, and I should trust she won't leave. And that's that.

I'm not depressed. I have a decent job that I do well. I have three dogs. I was quite happy with everything until May 2025 tbh, when my wife suddenly shifted to another partner. [I am a] bit thrown now. I was depressed during the worst of it (and got on sertraline for it). But {I'm] mostly calm now the relationship between them is over.

I just accepted a long time ago I am an outlier. I had a 1 year romantic relationship, adored the man... no sexual feelings at all. We broke up due to differences. Two year romantic relationship, lived together a bit, still no sexual feelings (large part of breakup). 10 year previous marriage that was abusive, took a year off dating after to sort myself out. Figured out my sexuality was way off the norm. Did LGBT groups and all to research. Joined the asexual community. Found other people that finally felt similar. But... research says the asexual spectrum is 1% of the population. Within that 1% are also aromantics. The dating pool for me, without making a mixed relationship mess (which, largely doesn't work - who wants to devote a year or more to a romantic relationship where you may never want sex from them? Or live in a sexless monogamous relationship that is romantically close if it never develops?), is very tiny and spread out. And worse, now I know I can develop it maybe .. I run the risk of asexuals not being compatible and non-aces not being compatible and I have no way of knowing if it will ever develop or not until years into a romantic connection. I accept that as a reality.

Add in other ideals, and I accept the likelihood of finding an ideal-on-paper partner as low.

I had individual counseling until we tried marriage counseling for the three sessions. I paused it for that.

Well, you certainly could start therapy again. And I hope it helps give you a handle on things! This sounds like a nightmare.

 

[MeeraReed]

Confused, it might help if you gave your wife and her "friend" nicknames for this site, so you can describe things with more ease here. It could be names that aren't their real-life names, or words like Apple & Banana, for example.

I understand why you feel so poisonous towards your wife's former "friend." But literally everything you describe about the friend just reflects badly on your wife. Who cares if a random woman is a rude, drug-addicted jerk who deliberately undermined your marriage? Your wife let it happen and never defended you. Even if the relationship is now ended, can you recover trust in your marriage? Especially if your wife won't take any accountability?

I think it might also help you parsed out some aspects of your own identity and wants. To me, it sounds like you are conflating asexuality (or demisexuality) with monogamy and with wanting an introverted homebody daily life. Those are all separate things. It might help in your quest for compatibility if you don't view those things as so interrelated.

You have been on a journey to understand your own sexuality, which I think you consider to be on the asexual or demisexual spectrum. (Forgive me if I am applying labels you don't use). You consider yourself an oddball or an outlier because of it. I'm not sure that's really true...maybe for "pure" asexuals, it's one percent of the population, but quite a LOT of people are demisexual. I have two good friends (cis females) who are demisexual, and in the last few years I went on dates with two cis men who are demisexual. (And I'm not demisexual, so I'm not forming friendships or seeking dating partners with that label, it is just coincidence).

Actually, I think there are a quite a lot of demisexual-identifying people in the poly population, and a significant number of ace-identifying people (at least in my area, the Northeast US). Which is why I would encourage you not to conflate your desire for monogamy with your ace/demi-sexual identity. You want monogamy because you're monogamous, and that's fine! But some ace or demisexual people are comfortable with non-monogamy and are able to thrive in ENM or poly relationships. Sometimes because it allows an ace person to have a romantic relationship with a sexual person who can have other partners for sex; sometimes because demisexual people, while only developing sexual feelings in a romantic relationship, are nonetheless able to have multiple romantic (and thus sexual) relationships.

I don't mean that you should give up monogamy. Although, since you are considering your marriage becoming non-monogamous to accommodate your wife, it might be worth considering whether you can thrive in a non-monogamous relationship structure, from the perspective that other ace/demi people have found it works for them BECAUSE they are ace or demi, not because they have to accept what they can get being oddballs.

However, you probably would thrive best in monogamy because you are monogamous at heart. There are PLENTY of sexual people who are monogamous (most people???), so being able to experience sexual attraction to others does not prevent them from wanting monogamy. You can find a partner, whether sexual or ace, who is happy to be monogamous. But it might help if you tease out what aspects of your desire for monogamy are about wanting only one relationship, and what are aspects are about your own ace or demi nature.

For example, it sounds like you struggle with understanding why some people are into porn at all and you feel that conflicts with monogamy; I guess some monogamous people consider porn to be "cheating," but most of the monogamous couples don't, and consider porn a safe sexual outlet that doesn't violate the terms of monogamy. You could think about whether in your ideal relationship, you'd prefer to be with someone else who is also demisexual and has no interest in porn; or whether you are okay having a sexual, monogamous partner who enjoys porn on their own as an occasional fantasy but doesn't want any other "real" partners. (I'm not sure if this is helpful or not; sorry if I am getting off track).

What really stands out to me about what you want in a partner is that you want someone who is happy to spend most of their time at home with you and the dogs, doing chores and home projects and watching Netflix. Lots of people want that, and lots of people are happy that way! (I'm one of them). But people who are more social, extroverted, or just get bored being homebodies won't be happy that way, whether they are monogamous or asexual or not.

To me, it sounds like your wife is not actually happy being an introverted homebody. She would like to be more social, but her body dysmorphia is preventing it right now. To the point that she doesn't even want to go out on dates with you, but she also doesn't want to focus on only you emotionally when at home.

That may be a bigger point of incompatibility in your marriage than issues of sexuality or non-monogamy. I am concerned that if your wife reaches a point in her transition where she becomes happy with her body, she will want to go out more when you'd prefer she'd stay home. Her boredom with homebody life seems to me like it is part of why she is engaging in so much fantasy-texting with others.

Do you feel she's more extroverted, while you're more introverted?

 

[YesThisIsDog242]

I honestly... am still trying to figure out what in our marriage is real and how she feels. I was totally happy for years, she says she wasnt. She tells me one thing as what she wants, then tells me she was just saying it to please me ages later. Did she always want the deep intimate stuff with others and didnt say anything this whole time? Is it the transition teenager phase ? I have seriously no idea. Like, she told me she hates being around pot heads and people who make drugs their personality are annoying. But the woman she chose to have an outside intimate relationship with was a drug addict? She says she doesnt want XYZ much, then turns around and complains XYZ isnt in our relationship enough. She says she wants alone time, then says im neglecting her when I encourage activities alone.

So. I kinda feel just very confused. I know when they are on hormones theres a "second puberty". I kinda feel like maybe she's at the height of that. Because she feels like trying to figure out an unstable teenage girl, rather than a fully fledged adult. And this all came on rather ... suddenly in May. Before that we had a stable come home from work, spend time, go work, sometimes go do things we both wanna do (like theme parks or whatever) when we have time, she had a few normal friendships. It was a perfectly average marriage. Boring from the outside probably in its absolute normalcy. Bought a house together, set it up. Spend evenings snuggled on the couch watching Netflix, or sometimes playing phone games on the couch cause we are both exhausted from work but still same room just different games.


She said she feels any "boundary" is control based rather than reasonable. "I am not comfortable with you talking about us to X" to her brain is "abuser saying dont get an outside opinion of their behavior ". She seems to judge everyone by her ex's intentions. So then "let's put some reasonable boundaries with friends" becomes "you arent allowed to hang out with friends and belong to me". Which... I guess when she read the AI which is mainstream taught and it explained the difference in control and boundaries she realized you can have one without the other. Or something. I told her if shes not going to do therapy to figure herself out about her trauma she needs to find a support group or something. Because, honestly, I made sure I was over the everyone putting me into fight or flight over little things before I dated again.


She wants no "rules" in a relationship. Like she should be able to do whatever with anyone else as if single and I should trust she wont leave. And that's that.

Im not depressed. I have a decent job that I do well. I have three dogs. I was quite happy with everything until May 2025 tbh. When my wife suddenly shifted to another partner. A bit thrown now, was depressed during the worst of it (and got on sertraline for it). But, mostly calm now the relationship between them is over.

I just accepted a long time ago I am an outlier. I had a 1 year romantic relationship, adored the man... no sexual feelings at all. We broke up due to differences. Two year romantic relationship, lived together a bit, still no sexual feelings (large part of breakup). 10 year previous marriage that was abusive, took a year off dating after to sort myself out. Figured out my sexuality was way off the norm. Did LGBT groups and all to research. Joined the asexual community. Found other people that finally felt similar. But... research says the asexual spectrum is 1% of the population. Within that 1% are also aromantics. The dating pool for me, without making a mixed relationship mess (which, largely doesnt work - who wants to devote a year or more to a romantic relationship where you may never want sex from them? Or live in a sexless monogamous relationship that is romantically close if it never develops?), is very tiny and spread out. And worse, now I know I can develop it maybe .. I run the risk of asexuals not being compatible and non-aces not being compatible and I have no way of knowing if it will ever develop or not until years into a romantic connection. I accept that as a reality.

Add in other ideals and... I accept the likelihood of finding an ideal on paper partner as low.


I had individual counseling until we tried marriage counseling for the three sessions. I paused it for that.

I don't think this is significantly due to anything hormonal happening with your wife, whether that's from second puberty or New Relationship Energy.

I don't think this is other's intent, but I think when we begin considering these as genuine reasons for mistreatment, then we are enabling unhealthy and sometimes abusive behaviors from people who are completely capable of growth and being responsible to their loved ones. Many, many toxic behaviors continue because it benefits (in the moment) the person enacting them and they don't see another viable option for getting their needs met. It's not because they're uniquely incapable of change. Second puberty doesn't suddenly make a trans person forget how to treat others with respect. New Relationship Energy doesn't do that either. They can influence emotions, but any of the changes that come with this aren't causing your wife to hate rules or blame you for not getting along with her ex who repeatedly harassed you. Hell, I've met plenty of teenagers who hold themselves accountable and engage in active listening with their loved ones. I've also met and heard of plenty of cis elderly adults who don't hold themselves accountable for their actions or respect their partners.

I see what you're saying about the difficulties of holding a queer identity (in your case, multiple) leading to a decreased accessibility of finding a partner that's right for you. A belief I've subscribed to is: It's better to be single than be with someone that's not right for you.

You're the only one that knows if/when this becomes a relationship that you no longer want to invest in, but I'd encourage you to reflect on other reasons for staying beyond your uncertain romantic future. I recently left a gay relationship where I was terrified of being single, but I've found that being single is much better than the situation I was in, even if I'm unsure what my romantic future will look like. Your needs are valid, even ones that are harder to meet.

 

[Confusedspouse]

Well...

I guess I am going to get to see if I can handle outside relationships sooner rather than later.

She has found a new group and is getting close to four of them. Two are in open relationships. One is in a closed relationship, but literally hates their spouse and kids, and never wants to be around them. The other is single.

She has been flirting with them. Started casual but it is getting a lot more since she talks to them more. I am not allowed to know anything about the private conversations, but the public ones involve posting GIFs of erections/someone sweating. They are so turned on in response to sexual comments, asking to be their slave, saying she will stalk/spy on their bedroom windows, sharing people spanking each other clips, etc. At first it was occasional, but now it's constant talk like that. She had two days off and spent both of them from like 5am to 6pm talking to these people and doing nothing else (no chores, no hobbies, just them).

She took forever to come to bed last night because she was in private conversations with them.

And... she always said she didn't want to do bright red hair because it quickly goes pink and she just isn't into red. I dye her hair crazy colors every few months. Red and pink are two she never wants to use, for like 2 years she has been adamant about that. One of her new "friends" has said they find bright red hair super hot. She flirted with him about it. He said bright red head goth chicks are a huge turn on. Now, this weekend she had me dye her hair vivid red and she said she wants to get goth clothes.

If I ask questions, she gets upset and won't talk and insists all the conversations are "jokes," and there's nothing beyond that. So. I guess it will be non-ethical non-monogamy or nothing.

As for if she's extroverted, I don't know. When we got together she was being more social with people, but she said she wanted to get away from having to, and she hated it and was an introvert. She would complain she had to do XYZ. Which... I also have social obligations I hate sometimes (most of them lol). But, I always asked like how social she wants to be and she always said not at all. But, yeah. I feel like this is another place she just said what she thought I wanted to hear vs what is true.

She had two close friends that she sometimes would hang out with for the majority of our marriage, nothing inappropriate. Normal friendships. In May this year, after so long together, that stopped being enough...

I always knew she was Trans. She did insist she didn't want physical transition, but I knew she did... She just was too scared to say it at first. We have been married 7 years. She has been doing physical transition for 5 years. I set everything up for her because she doesn't understand medical stuff. I give her the injections. I go clothes shopping for her because she gets stressed learning women's clothes. I help her learn to walk more girly. I helped her learn makeup. I encourage her to get support for the dysphoria stuff. I take her out and I talk her into being braver, like going with me to the women's restroom rather than trying to hold it because she doesn't feel comfortable with either in public. I was the go between for her parents and her since she came out, and they weren't sure what they were allowed to ask without offending. I did the research on it since she didn't.

What she is and what she likes, I will be honest, I feel like I don't know at all. I get told one thing and she does the complete opposite. She keeps insisting she has never loved anyone but me and never will, that she has no sexual feelings for anyone else. But there's a lot she says that she just says to keep people happy and isn't true. There's a lot she's said to try to keep me happy that isn't true.

I kinda feel like my entire world got flipped in May and I don't know anything anymore. And I don't know if this is she's changed drastically. or was lying to me our whole relationship. But, it feels like the spouse I had is completely gone. And I am trying to get to know a stranger and how things work with them. And it happened practically overnight and I don't understand why.

If the monogamy changes don't work then I don't really know how financials and all will work either. We built a lot on dual income. I guess I'd need two full time jobs to make up for it, too. Which is another factor in I don't want to rush anything.

I'm essentially in the spot of
1) Probably being forever single if we break up, just because the list of compatible partners is so small, unless I am willing to just accept less than ideal.
2) Being completely broke because I built a life around having a spouse.

Or... accepting I think the term used on this site is poly under duress?

I will admit I had a bit of a melt down emotionally this week. She got so overly sexual in a group chat with people and it is her week of laser hair removal (an hour naked in a room with a pretty girl handling all her bits, which normally isn't a big deal, but with trying to accept her being into others it became a lot more awkward), and the dye that I know is for someone else, even though she won't say it... I ended up leaving the group chat and distancing myself a bit. She got upset with me for being quiet and made me admit discomfort. She cried and said I'm not helping her feel more comfortable with quiet time apart or having friends.

I have asked her before if she wants to just explore herself without any relationship pressure and just make it friends who happen to live together for now. But she said no.

So. I guess I'll see in the next few weeks / months how this works.

 

[Tinwen]

I hear you. This is really hard.

 

[LoveBunny]

Honestly? She sounds manipulative and like she walks all over you.

Is this truly what you want in a spouse? I know you're worried about finding someone else you are compatible with, but I'm going to argue that you are not particularly compatible with this person, who wants to carry on inappropriate "friendships" that suck up all her bandwidth, who does nothing all day, who changes who they are to suit others. Does she have any sense at all of her own core self?

I understand there's financial issues at play as well, and that makes this much harder. It is darn near impossible to make it these days on a single salary, unfortunately.

My advice at the moment is build up your support system, emotional and financial, so you when you finally decide you've had enough, you'll have some help getting out.

 

[Sisilisko]

There's a simple rule to recognize whether something is just a joke: If it doesn't feel like one to you, it isn't one. Especially in this situation, when you have repeatedly indicated that these things don't feel like "just a joke" to you, yet she does them again.

Also regarding the confusion about what she wants. There's what people say about what they want; there's what they themselves think they want; and then there's revealed preference (preference revealed through behavior). It's perfectly normal that these three things are not the same. Revealed preference has as much impact on your happiness as do her actual and states preferences.

I wish you a lot of luck and strength finding your way through this. These are difficult problems you're grappling with.

 

[Confusedspouse]

There's a simple rule to recognize whether something is just a joke: If it doesn't feel like one to you, it isn't one. Especially in this situation, when you have repeatedly indicated that these things don't feel like "just a joke" to you, yet she does them again.

She says its understood as "just jokes" between her and them. And she says if she cant joke about being turned on by person Y or about wanting to be tied up by person Z, or wanting person X to "cum", etc then I would be saying she "cant have friends". And called my way of viewing such things "archaic" and said its how people interact if sex doesn't make them uncomfortable. So basically saying if she cant be sexual towards them, she cant have friendships and saying im just a prude for finding it at all inappropriate in a monogamous relationship.

Also regarding the confusion about what she wants. There's what people say about what they want; there's what they themselves think they want; and then there's revealed preference (preference revealed through behavior). It's perfectly normal that these three things are not the same. Revealed preference has as much impact on your happiness as do her actual and states preferences.

Surely at some point if you do XYZ and enjoy it, you realize you like and all three would align ? Unless you have to do a thing you dont want for outside reasons (my usual reasons for social events are networking for work, for example... dont want to, dont like it, pretend to like people cause they get me things at work).

 

[Tinwen]

She says its understood as "just jokes" between her and them. And she says if she cant joke about being turned on by person Y or about wanting to be tied up by person Z, or wanting person X to "cum", etc then I would be saying she "cant have friends". And called my way of viewing such things "archaic" and said its how people interact if sex doesn't make them uncomfortable. So basically saying if she cant be sexual towards them, she cant have friendships and saying im just a prude for finding it at all inappropriate in a monogamous relationship.

I still think you know way to much about her conversations. I know she's also been offended by you not wanting to take part in the chat any longer, but I'm certain you did the right thing there by removing yourself. I think since you are triggered by how her groups interact and she won't change it's best to keep social circles separate.
It may seem weird to recommend this "out of sight, out of mind" approach, but it actually helps my jealousy quite a bit. Idealist and Meta kissing? Disgusting to watch. But when I'm not around, I don't mind. Of course I know they kiss, but I don't want to think about that (as in, have vivid images in my mind), so I just don't.
Can you imagine having her have these dirty talks and not care?
And next level, can you imagine her actually doing stuff with people, and you don't care? Like, you know she has someone, but the details are not of interest?

 

[Sisilisko]

Surely at some point if you do XYZ and enjoy it, you realize you like and all three would align ?

I think I enjoy reading books more than doom scrolling but my revealed preference is that I come to this forum and comment in the time that I could have spent reading a book. What I think I prefer is not the same as my revealed preference.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry to hear all this.

I am not allowed to know anything about the private conversations, but the public ones involve posting GIFs of erections/someone sweating. They are so turned on in response to sexual comments, asking to be their slave, saying she will stalk/spy on their bedroom windows, sharing people spanking each other clips, etc. At first it was occasional, but now it's constant talk like that.

This is where you get to say "I don't need to hear details like that." And skip it even if it is "public" conversation in group chat. Your eyes and ears belong to YOU. If she's constantly talking sex stuff? You don't have to listen. Walk away. Bow out of the group chat. You don't have to be in it.

She had two days off and spent both of them from like 5am to 6pm talking to these people and doing nothing else (no chores, no hobbies, just them).

So she's become a blah roomie? Not doing her share of the chores?

She took forever to come to bed last night because she was in private conversations with them.

Does this floorpan allow you separate bedrooms?

Now, this weekend she had me dye her hair vivid red and she said she wants to get goth clothes.

This is where you get to say "Cool. But I'd like you to take care of your own stuff. I think I've helped enough." You stop being the free beautician, personal shopper, medical/appointment secretary, all of that. You are over functioning in this relationship. She is under functioning. It's not balanced.

I don't know if it applies in this situation, but you might look into

www.coda.org

I don't know it this is enmeshed/codependent, but you are clearly doing too much here. You do not exist to be her life raft, or to prop her up.

If I ask questions, she gets upset and won't talk and insists all the conversations are "jokes," and there's nothing beyond that. So. I guess it will be non-ethical non-monogamy or nothing.

That's where you get to choose what supports YOUR health and well-being. You are not obligated to do poly under duress, and just go along with stuff you don't really want.

I feel like this is another place she just said what she thought I wanted to hear vs what is true.

You get to decide if you want to deal with someone who isn't honest or not.

I have asked her before if she wants to just explore herself without any relationship pressure and just make it friends who happen to live together for now. But she said no.

If you two are going to live together still, I actually think you breaking up and calling it "friends and roomies" is a step towards something healthier for BOTH of you. You do not ask her what she wants. YOU decide what YOU need to be healthier. At the end of the lease, you move elsewhere with a different roomie, and the same for her.

She might cry and feel upset that you are giving back responsibility for the things in her life back to HER, but she really does need to learn to do some of her own stuff, develop life skills and all.

If you keep "rescuing" her, I don't think actually helps either of you long term. You end up enabling.

Galagirl