Need advice please - your partner and crushes

[Orangecat]

Hello!
I (F33) have been poly for a while but my wife (F33) and I have only dated together in the past. I am demisexual so I do not form attractions or even want a relationship easily. My wife and I have been together for 12 years.
I started a new relationship in October 2025 with someone who is new to poly. It is just me pursuing this relationship. My new partner (M33) is prone to crushes and wants to start having new relationships. I feel like this is too fast and not sure how to deal with the multiple crushes. How do you set boundaries that are fair to both parties?

 

[Magdlyn]

Hello!

Hi and welcome to polyamory.com. You will get feedback here from others who are each speaking from their own pov, coming from their experiences, personalities, needs and desires. Take what works and leave the rest.

I (F33) have been poly for a while, but my wife (F33) and I have only dated together in the past. I am demisexual, so I do not form attractions or even want a relationship easily. My wife and I have been together for 12 years.
I started a new relationship in October 2025 with someone who is new to poly. It is just me pursuing this relationship.

This is your first foray into dating independently. Congrats on taking that step.

My new partner (M33)

So you are a F married to a F, but you're dating a guy. Got it.

is prone to crushes and wants to start having new relationships. I feel like this is too fast

I hear you were comfortable being "mono" with this man who is new to poly. What makes you insecure about him exploring polyamory? That's the name of the game.

Sometimes poly couples don't feel like dating others when they are in the midst of NRE. Of course, you've already got two partners, though, your new bf and your wife. So it would be fair for bf to get another partner or two, right? To start dating around and enjoy himself?

and not sure how to deal with the multiple crushes.

You seem to be saying you are slower to form attachments, and don't get "multiple crushes." Your bf, however, does get crushes. If you find this too different from you, maybe you aren't as compatible as you think.

I think it's perfectly reasonable for a person who feels they are polyamorous to date more than one person.

How do you set boundaries that are fair to both parties?

Boundaries are something you set for yourself. If you want to be a poly person's only lover, you can first take a look at your own insecurity. Personally, I think it's hypocritical for you to have two lovers and not want your bf to have more than one lover, himself.

A boundary doesn't mean you have a right to tell him who, how, when or whom to date besides you. You can express your preferences. But if he's eager to see what's out there, he has every right.

Sometimes people new to polyamory get "kid in a candy store" syndrome, because they kind of get NRE for polyamory itself.

The only thing you can request, ethically, is for your bf to meet your needs for communication, closeness, reassurance in the form of quality time, a certain number of dates per week or month, physical touch, things like that. He has the right to say yes or no to meeting your requests, and negotiate compromises, as necessary, according to his willingness or ability.

You could read the "poly hell" article, which is found in our resources list in our Golden Nuggets section. I don't see that you are in poly hell, but it might be helpful to clarify your fears or discomfort.

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for

www.kathylabriola.com

 

[Tinwen]

I think if you are already in a committed relationship of 10 years and you are dating someone who's effectively your secondary, it would be quite unfair not to let them date. But, maybe this isn't about fairness at all.

If you somehow feel this is too early and they don't, this could reveal a number of issues where you two are not on the same page:
- maybe you're somehow more serious about the relationship? Maybe you feel as if, or it's true that, he only views a poly relationship as something temporary, while you were trying to build something much more lasting?
- maybe his NRE is fading faster than yours? Maybe you feel he's withdrawing his attention, as it naturally turns to other things and people in his life?
- maybe you're bumping against your different styles of practicing polyamory? Maybe he's looking to experience casual fun, while you'd prefer something more closed? Maybe you never discussed that?
- Maybe it's just plain old fear of losing him? Is there really a timeframe that would make you feel more comfortable?

I'm not sure you can find a "fair" boundary here, just something that works for the both of you, and maybe more mutual understanding. And that needs a thorough discussion of the above mentioned issues and anything else that's relevant and didn't cross my mind.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Orangecat,

You have to set limitations that are fair to both parties, tell your new partner that it is too soon for him to start having new relationships, however you are okay if he does this later on. This is a compromise. He still gets to do it, he just has to take it not so fast.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Tinwen]

Hello Orangecat,

You have to set limitations that are fair to both parties, tell your new partner that it is too soon for him to start having new relationships, however you are okay if he does this later on. This is a compromise. He still gets to do it, he just has to take it not so fast.

Regards,
Kevin T.

Kevin, I have to disagree. They are poly, Orangecat has a wife. There's no moral right to demand her new partner stays monogamous for a certain period of time. It's a request her partner can grant or not. And it's not a compromise.

 

[Magdlyn]

Kevin, I have to disagree. They are poly, Orangecat has a wife. There's no moral right to demand her new partner stays monogamous for a certain period of time. It's a request her partner can grant or not. And it's not a compromise.

I agree with you. It's been four months. The mark of being a successful polyamorist is not just to have more than one lover yourself, but to get okay with your partners having more than one lover. It can definitely be a challenge, no doubt about it, but it must be done.

I still struggle each time my bf adds a new partner, because he is new to poly, and he's kind of bumbling socially when it comes to sharing his time, and being specific enough about what he shares, how much time, the types of partners he chooses, what their expectations are, etc. He's getting better, but it's still work. He has a big heart, but he has his blind spots. He's impulsive and emotional. He maybe tends not to see the forest for the trees.

 

[silver-genie]

A boundary is a limit you place on your own behavior to keep yourself safe. An agreement is a limit people place on each other's behavior and is mutually decided. A rule is a limit you place on someone else's behavior. It sounds like you want to make a rule for your boyfriend that he can't pursue outside relationships. However, that would be a double standard as you have an outside relationship. Dealing with jealousy in polyamory can be really hard - especially when you don't have any tools - but it is a crucial skill to learn. I often refer back to Multiamory's two part episode which gives 50 tools for handling jealousy:

 

[Tinwen]

A boundary is a limit you place on your own behavior to keep yourself safe. An agreement is a limit people place on each other's behavior and is mutually decided. A rule is a limit you place on someone else's behavior. It sounds like you want to make a rule for your boyfriend that he can't pursue outside relationships. However, that would be a double standard as you have an outside relationship. Dealing with jealousy in polyamory can be really hard - especially when you don't have any tools - but it is a crucial skill to learn. I often refer back to Multiamory's two part episode which gives 50 tools for handling jealousy:

I'm listening to the podcast and it seems nice and structured. It's not jealousy specific, but it's a huge list of emotional regulation techniques.
@silver-genie Thanks.
@kdt26417 Would you consider adding this to your great collection of links?

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm listening to the podcast and it seems nice and structured. It's not jealousy specific, but it's a huge list of emotional regulation techniques.
@silver-genie Thanks.
@kdt26417 Would you consider adding this to your great collection of links?

I just want to point out that the Multiamory podcast is in our resource list in the Golden Nuggets section.

 

[Tinwen]

I just want to point out that the Multiamory podcast is in our resource list in the Golden Nuggets section.

Yeah, I just think people looking for tools to deal with jealousy are unlikely to bump into episode 394 O