Feeling confused after my partner’s confession

[Samirare]

Hi! I’ve known him for five years, and we’ve been hooking up for two years because we don’t live close - about one week per month together. He’s very avoidant. Recently, I asked if we could call ourselves in a relationship, and it escalated. He wasn’t sleeping with anyone else, but labeling it was too much for him.


Recently, he decided it would be better if we considered ourselves single and that he wants to start dating other girls again - and that I should date too.


I’ve always been okay with us seeing other people, but I thought we were each other’s primary choice. It turns out he prefers not to have a monogamous relationship with some poly dates; he wants to be fully poly with no label at all. Tbh, I feel rejected and replacable but I also have my insecurities I want to work on.


I feel confused about my emotions and insecurities. Is this something I can work through? Or if I’m naturally mono/poly (not poly/poly), is it not something I can change?

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Samirare,

It sounds like he really dropped the poly bomb on you, you weren't expecting at all that he would want another primary, yet, here we are. Sure, it's great to work on your own insecurities, but he also needs to have respect for your boundaries. Do you want to be in a relationship where you are considered poly and single? If not, you should explain to him that this is a hard limit for you. I can't tell if this is an area of incompatibility for the two of you. Is he willing to negotiate some kind of compromise? Would he be willing to do hierarchical poly, where you are his primary partner and his other partners are secondary?

Just some things to think about,
Kevin T.

 

[MeeraReed]

He doesn't actually sound poly, he sounds like he wants to be single but for you to continue to sleep with him.

Generally, poly people don't define themselves as single while "not labeling" anything else. Poly people label themselves as poly and describe themselves as having multiple relationships (or as having one partner and looking for a second partner, etc).

They don't balk at labeling something a relationship.

I am sorry, it doesn't sound like he is treating you very well.

Also, is he going to date only other people who are also poly/non-monogamous? What if he dated a monogamous person who didn't want him to see you anymore? Why does he need the label "single" unless he is trying to seem available to monogamous women?

I just don't have the sense that he carries about your feelings very much. I am sorry. You deserve better.

 

[Ariakas]

He doesn't actually sound poly, he sounds like he wants to be single but for you to continue to sleep with him.

Generally, poly people don't define themselves as single while "not labeling" anything else. Poly people label themselves as poly and describe themselves as having multiple relationships (or as having one partner and looking for a second partner, etc).

Hmmmmmm... ok to create a slight divergence from that. I do not label myself poly. I am open or enm and I can fall in love with more than one so I am capable of poly. Poly is a small aspect of how I relate.

They don't balk at labeling something a relationship.

I know a tremendous volume of folks who experience poly who balk at labels. Slews of relationship anarchists don't want to be locked into labels so they can avoid the escalator. I love my labels and constantly debate the validity of them. I just don't date RAs. Haha

I only say those things not to change your support of the person but to correct some assumptions.

To the original poster

So are they labelling you a situation ship. Do they actually know about poly. Or enm. Or are they winging it (perfectly fine as long as they can handle the turmoil of enm) and it's a good question do they intend to only date mono people because that is bound to cause issues.

I think there are some red flags and narrowing the scope of what your connection is to them night help. If it really is a situation ship... Is that what you want. (Ps you have can a label for something without the other person mirroring the label)

 

[Tinwen]

I’ve always been okay with us seeing other people, but I thought we were each other’s primary choice. It turns out he prefers not to have a monogamous relationship with some poly dates; he wants to be fully poly with no label at all. Tbh, I feel rejected and replacable but I also have my insecurities I want to work on.

I feel confused about my emotions and insecurities. Is this something I can work through? Or if I’m naturally mono/poly (not poly/poly), is it not something I can change?

I don't think this situation is really telling about your comfort level with polyamory in general. It says you want more from this man - or from a relationship in general - than he is able to give. It's natural to feel rejected if expectations differ this much

You seem to indicate you'd be ok with an open/ hierarchical structure. It's possible you'd even be ok with being someone's co-primary, if he was able to offer you more than your current non-partner - a label, recognition, future vision, perhaps the willingness to have a family. Maybe not, but we don't know that from what you have written.

At this time, you want deeper commitment - you can work on your insecurities all you want, but that's probably not going to change.

If he won't come around to sharing your understanding of what a relationship is soon, you should consider your meetings with this avoidant man non-commital and date for a primary. I'm sorry

 

[GalaGirl]

Some poly people are fine with labels and clear expectations. Sounds like you are one of those people.

Some people (poly or otherwise) don't like labels. Sounds like he is one of those people.

So if this is not compatible because of that? It's not about you. Just different styles.

I’ve always been okay with us seeing other people, but I thought we were each other’s primary choice.

Well, you did the right thing in asking to be sure and to not assume. He answered.

Now you realize he doesn't want to make you his primary. Disappointing, but you are now clearer on where he stands.

It turns out he prefers not to have a monogamous relationship with some poly dates; he wants to be fully poly with no label at all.

That makes no sense to me. If he's poly, why would he want monogamous relationships? Is this like he wants poly for him and want to date more than one person, but expects his dates to only see HIM?

You had no issues with polyamory. You are ok with both of you seeing other people.

Tbh, I feel rejected and replacable but I also have my insecurities I want to work on.

I get being disappointed at the news. You wanted to make him your primary and for him to make you his. He doesn't share this desire.

But that's not you being replaceable or insecure. It's you feeling disappointed. It's ok to feel that. Please don't beat up on yourself.

Like... single load disappointment is a bummer. No need to make it bigger or double load by beating up on you. YKWIM?

GG

 

[Sentinel]

I don't think this situation is really telling about your comfort level with polyamory in general. It says you want more from this man - or from a relationship in general - than he is able to give. It's natural to feel rejected if expectations differ this much

You seem to indicate you'd be ok with an open/ hierarchical structure. It's possible you'd even be ok with being someone's co-primary, if he was able to offer you more than your current non-partner - a label, recognition, future vision, perhaps the willingness to have a family. Maybe not, but we don't know that from what you have written.

At this time, you want deeper commitment - you can work on your insecurities all you want, but that's probably not going to change.

If he won't come around to sharing your understanding of what a relationship is soon, you should consider your meetings with this avoidant man non-commital and date for a primary. I'm sorry

This was my take on the OP too.

It's not about labels as such. It's not about poly as such.

It's that he wants less commitment than the OP does. A difficult issue to bridge within any relationship structure.