What are the signs that poly is NOT for you?

[hetcurious19]

I am totally new, but already researched some basics. I know that the most efficient way to find out is to actually try, but I want to know better, especially before I communicate this with my significant other. Thanks in advance, and thanks to all the cool fellas that already helped me. Take care. <3

 

[kdt26417]

Hi hetcurious19,

The first sign is when you do not think you could be in love with multiple people. The second sign is when you don't want to be in love with multiple people. And the third sign is when you don't want your partner to be in love with anyone except you. These are the signs.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[hetcurious19]

Hi hetcurious19,

The first sign is when you do not think you could be in love with multiple people. The second sign is when you don't want to be in love with multiple people. And the third sign is when you don't want your partner to be in love with anyone except you. These are the signs.

Regards,
Kevin T.

I guess that in the end is kinda simple and that Im asking because im being naive and insecure. Thank you pal.

 

[Evie]

Also, do you have the time, money, and organisational skills to give enough of each to each relationship?

And do you know how to be completely present with a person?

 

[MeeraReed]

There are a few questions you can ask yourself:

Do you find being monogamous (both emotionally and sexually) so difficult that you feel like you can't be yourself in a monogamous relationship?

Does monogamy make you so miserable that you would be willing to give up a partner that you love--even someone you consider the love of your life--if they aren't willing to be non-monogamous?

If you're in a monogamous relationship and longing to be poly--is it because you would feel unfulfilled being monogamous with anyone? Or is it because there is something unfulfilling about the particular relationship you are in?

If your current relationship were to end (for whatever reason), and you suddenly became single, would you want to start dating again as a poly person, seeking out non-monogamous relationships with other non-monogamous people? What would you want your ideal dating life to look like?

What would your ideal dating life /relationships look like if you and current partner agree to be non-monogamous? Does your imaginary vision include your partner having partners of their own, too?

If you and your current partner decide to become non-monogamous, how would you feel if you don't meet anyone yourself, but your partner succeeds in finding a second relationship?

If you match with someone on a dating site (whether you are single or in a non-monogamous relationship), and this new person says they have a partner (or two partners), how would you feel about dating them?

When you hear about friends or acquaintances who are poly or in some type of non-monogamous relationship, what is your gut reaction? i.e., "That sounds awesome and I wish I was doing that!" or "That sounds challenging but I can see the benefits" or "I'm glad they're happy but that's not for me" or "That sounds awful and I bet they'll break up."

Just some food for thought. There is no ONE thing that will prove you are poly.

 

[Magdlyn]

There are a few questions you can ask yourself:

I love this questionnaire. It's like something you'd find in Cosmo magazine! Let's go. We can all play!

Do you find being monogamous (both emotionally and sexually) so difficult that you feel like you can't be yourself in a monogamous relationship?

Yes, unless I had one great partner and have been dating for too long and just feeling jaded about the dating scene, and all the disappointments, and just want to appreciate the great partner I do have.

Does monogamy make you so miserable that you would be willing to give up a partner that you love--even someone you consider the love of your life--if they aren't willing to be non-monogamous?

Well, I don't even believe in the "love of my life" concept ("The One," soulmate), so I can't answer that. The love of my life would have to be poly or poly-friendly too, so leaving them wouldn't be necessary.

If you're in a monogamous relationship and longing to be poly--is it because you would feel unfulfilled being monogamous with anyone? Or is it because there is something unfulfilling about the particular relationship you are in?

I think both. I love having variety in my life, and that includes partners' characteristics. It allows me to more fully experience the range of human life experience.

If your current relationship were to end (for whatever reason), and you suddenly became single, would you want to start dating again as a poly person, seeking out non-monogamous relationships with other non-monogamous people?

Yes.

What would you want your ideal dating life to look like?

One femme partner and one masc partner, but neither strongly binary. The masc one would have some cute femme qualities, like warmth, sympathy, appreciation for food and fashion, and the femme one would have strength, assertiveness, courage, etc.

What would your ideal dating life /relationships look like if you and current partner agree to be non-monogamous? Does your imaginary vision include your partner having partners of their own, too?

Yes. Well, I have this, and I was determined to make it happen, no matter how much work and time it took.

If you and your current partner decide to become non-monogamous, how would you feel if you don't meet anyone yourself, but your partner succeeds in finding a second relationship?

Slightly envious, but not discouraged. I'd feel compersion for my partner(s) if they were dating someone super cool and nice besides me.

If you match with someone on a dating site (whether you are single or in a non-monogamous relationship), and this new person says they have a partner (or two partners), how would you feel about dating them?

Positive, as long as their relationships were healthy.

When you hear about friends or acquaintances who are poly or in some type of non-monogamous relationship, what is your gut reaction? i.e., "That sounds awesome and I wish I was doing that!" or "That sounds challenging but I can see the benefits" or "I'm glad they're happy but that's not for me" or "That sounds awful and I bet they'll break up."

#1, naturally.

Just some food for thought. There is no ONE thing that will prove you are poly.

I'd add, for me, the realization came early, somewhere between the ages of 10 and 18. But social norms got in the way.

I'd also add a distinction--

monogamous- married to one person (gamos means marriage in Greek)
monoamorous- romantically loving one person
monosexual- only capable of sexually desiring one person at a time
polygamous- married to more than one person, illegal in Western cultures, bigamy, generally understood to mean polygyny: one man with multiple women, or (Mormon) "plural marriage"
polyamorous- capable of romantically loving more than one person at a time
polysexual- capable of sexually desiring more than one person at a time, and eager to have multiple people to have sex with

 

[hetcurious19]

ngl, but deconstructing my beliefs about how humans build sexual-emotional relationships makes me feel like a philosopher and tapping into a knew mental state. You are based.

 

[Magdlyn]

ngl, but deconstructing my beliefs about how humans build sexual-emotional relationships makes me feel like a philosopher and tapping into a knew mental state. You are based.

Try reading the book Sex at Dawn. It's a real eye-opener for how humans biologically need to mate, and how society gets in the way of that, which causes so much agony.

Amazon.com

---

“Sex at Dawn challenges conventional wisdom about sex in a big way. By examining the prehistoric origins of human sexual behavior the authors are able to expose the fallacies and weaknesses of standard theories proposed by most experts. This is a provocative, entertaining, and pioneering book. I learned a lot from it and recommend it highly.” — Andrew Weil, M.D.
“Sex at Dawn irrefutably shows that what is obvious—that human beings, both male and female, are lustful—is true, and has always been so…. The more dubious its evidentiary basis and lack of connection with current reality, the more ardently the scientific inevitability of monogamy is maintained—even as it falls away around us.” — Stanton Peele, Ph.D.
A controversial, idea-driven work of evolutionary psychology and anthropology that challenges everything you (think you) know about sex, monogamy, marriage, and family. In the words of Steve Taylor (The Fall, Waking From Sleep), Sex at Dawn is “a wonderfully provocative and well-written book which completely re-evaluates human sexual behavior and gets to the root of many of our social and psychological ills.”
What if our struggles with monogamy, jealousy, and libido aren’t a personal failure, but an evolutionary mismatch?

• The Standard Narrative: A look at how the conventional story of human monogamy was built on flawed, outdated assumptions from the Victorian era.
• Primate Politics: Why our peaceful, hypersexual bonobo cousins may be a better model for our ancestral past than the violent, hierarchical chimpanzee.
• Foraging Societies: An exploration of our hunter-gatherer ancestors, who lived in fiercely egalitarian groups that shared food, child care, and even sexual partners.
• Sperm Competition: How human anatomy—from testis size to the female orgasm—points to a prehistory of multiple mating partners for both sexes.
• Modern Relationships: A new framework for understanding why passion fades, why so many struggle with monogamy, and what it means for our relationships today.

 

[hetcurious19]

Do you find being monogamous (both emotionally and sexually) so difficult that you feel like you can't be yourself in a monogamous relationship?

Not really. I feel like me with my partner; only once felt negative emotions towards her and it was for 15 minutes. Im always for her, I always hear and if I cant I make it clear and we discuss it later. I find myself fulfilled with her, to the point of feeling she IS the mother I want for my children. Obviously we still need to grow and progress in our lives.

Does monogamy make you so miserable that you would be willing to give up a partner that you love--even someone you consider the love of your life--if they aren't willing to be non-monogamous?

Miserable is a strong word. I suffer more from my "poly-tendencies" and the idea of deceiving her. And im willing to put my "poly-tendencies" in my creative work or journal to cool down those desires. Im not giving up on her.

If you're in a monogamous relationship and longing to be poly--is it because you would feel unfulfilled being monogamous with anyone? Or is it because there is something unfulfilling about the particular relationship you are in?

If im longing to "open up" is for the sheer experience of it and the ways it would change my life and what interesting things I can learn on a triad. Im fulfilled both on an emotional and sexual level; this levels can only expand if im get on a triad with my signifant other and she "would benefit" too.

If your current relationship were to end (for whatever reason), and you suddenly became single, would you want to start dating again as a poly person, seeking out non-monogamous relationships with other non-monogamous people? What would you want your ideal dating life to look like?

Not really sure, I would focus to connect with anyone, to find a certain type of person monogamous or not. An to define a dating life im saying: stability.

What would your ideal dating life /relationships look like if you and current partner agree to be non-monogamous? Does your imaginary vision include your partner having partners of their own, too?

Just a triad where we share time in the triad itself, and in pairs with the other one. I would say yes, but not "hook ups" for one night (im not doing it either also, and we kinda agree that we are not made for casual relationships).

If you and your current partner decide to become non-monogamous, how would you feel if you don't meet anyone yourself, but your partner succeeds in finding a second relationship?

Kinda jealous, maybe undesire, and would like to be part of it.

If you match with someone on a dating site (whether you are single or in a non-monogamous relationship), and this new person says they have a partner (or two partners), how would you feel about dating them?

Weird. I would test the connection with the person to see if they match with me.

When you hear about friends or acquaintances who are poly or in some type of non-monogamous relationship, what is your gut reaction? i.e., "That sounds awesome and I wish I was doing that!" or "That sounds challenging but I can see the benefits" or "I'm glad they're happy but that's not for me" or "That sounds awful and I bet they'll break up."

Never experience it ngl.

 

[silver-genie]

I love this questionnaire. It's like something you'd find in Cosmo magazine! Let's go. We can all play!

Yes, unless I had one great partner and have been dating for too long and just feeling jaded about the dating scene, and all the disappointments, and just want to appreciate the great partner I do have.

Well, I don't even believe in the "love of my life" concept ("The One," soulmate), so I can't answer that. The love of my life would have to be poly or poly-friendly too, so leaving them wouldn't be necessary.

I think both. I love having variety in my life, and that includes partners' characteristics. It allows me to more fully experience the range of human life experience.

Yes.

One femme partner and one masc partner, but neither strongly binary. The masc one would have some cute femme qualities, like warmth, sympathy, appreciation for food and fashion, and the femme one would have strength, assertiveness, courage, etc.

Yes. Well, I have this, and I was determined to make it happen, no matter how much work and time it took.

Slightly envious, but not discouraged. I'd feel compersion for my partner(s) if they were dating someone super cool and nice besides me.

Positive, as long as their relationships were healthy.

#1, naturally.

I'd add, for me, the realization came early, somewhere between the ages of 10 and 18. But social norms got in the way.

I'd also add a distinction--

monogamous- married to one person (gamos means marriage in Greek)
monoamorous- romantically loving one person
monosexual- only capable of sexually desiring one person at a time
polygamous- married to more than one person, illegal in Western cultures, bigamy, generally understood to mean polygyny: one man with multiple women, or (Mormon) "plural marriage"
polyamorous- capable of romantically loving more than one person at a time
polysexual- capable of sexually desiring more than one person at a time, and eager to have multiple people to have sex with

Just a correction, "monosexual" actually means only being attracted to one gender. "Polysexual" means being attracted to multiple genders.

 

[Magdlyn]

Just a correction, "monosexual" actually means only being attracted to one gender. "Polysexual" means being attracted to multiple genders.

I disagree. Heterosexual means being attracted to one gender (the opposite one from one's own). Homosexual means only being attracted to one's own gender. Pansexual means being attracted to multiple/all genders. I find these to be the common definitions.

 

[silver-genie]

I disagree. Heterosexual means being attracted to one gender (the opposite one from one's own). Homosexual means only being attracted to one's own gender. Pansexual means being attracted to multiple/all genders. I find these to be the common definitions.

You're welcome to disagree.

When I Google it, the first several pages of reputable sources all say the same thing. Some explain how polysexuality is different from pansexuality and polyamory.

Monosexuality - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

Monosexual/Plurisexual: A Concise History - PubMed

Monosexuality and bisexuality (attraction to one and more than one gender/sex, respectively) are historical constructs, as are monomodal (e.g., gender/sex-based) and multimodal concepts of erotic attraction. I provide a brief outline of distinctions between single-gender and multi-gender...

pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov

Monosexual | Glossary

Monosexual is a term that describes a person who has romantic, sexual, or affectional desire for one gender only. May be used for people who identify as…

www.identiversity.org

What Is Polysexuality?

A polysexual person is someone who is attracted to people of multiple genders. Learn more about polysexuality and where it fits within the sexuality spectrum.

www.webmd.com

What Does “Polysexual” Mean and How Is It Different From “Pansexual” and "Polyamory?"

The latest episode of 'And Just Like That' brought polysexuality back into the culture, and we're here to bring the nuance.

www.them.us

Polysexual vs. Polyamory? - OUT Maine

Dear Chuck, what is the difference between Polysexual and Polyamorous Here are some “official” definitions to help us get started. A polysexual person is someone who is sexually and/or romantically […]

www.outmaine.org

 

[Tinwen]

You're welcome to disagree.

When I Google it, the first several pages of reputable sources all say the same thing. Some explain how polysexuality is different from pansexuality and polyamory.

Monosexuality - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

Monosexual/Plurisexual: A Concise History - PubMed

Monosexuality and bisexuality (attraction to one and more than one gender/sex, respectively) are historical constructs, as are monomodal (e.g., gender/sex-based) and multimodal concepts of erotic attraction. I provide a brief outline of distinctions between single-gender and multi-gender...

pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov

Monosexual | Glossary

Monosexual is a term that describes a person who has romantic, sexual, or affectional desire for one gender only. May be used for people who identify as…

www.identiversity.org

What Is Polysexuality?

A polysexual person is someone who is attracted to people of multiple genders. Learn more about polysexuality and where it fits within the sexuality spectrum.

www.webmd.com

What Does “Polysexual” Mean and How Is It Different From “Pansexual” and "Polyamory?"

The latest episode of 'And Just Like That' brought polysexuality back into the culture, and we're here to bring the nuance.

www.them.us

Polysexual vs. Polyamory? - OUT Maine

Dear Chuck, what is the difference between Polysexual and Polyamorous Here are some “official” definitions to help us get started. A polysexual person is someone who is sexually and/or romantically […]

www.outmaine.org

Oh, that's surprising. Must be the majority usage by the LGBTQ community. I guess we might have developed a slang on this forum, or maybe in the poly/ENM community at large.

We kinda need "monosexual" and "polysexual" to mirror "monoamorous" and "polyamorous", since monogamous/ polyamorous alone are not specific enough terms to make good distinctions in the realms of ethical non-monogamy.

 

[Magdlyn]

Oh, that's surprising. Must be the majority usage by the LGBTQ community. I guess we might have developed a slang on this forum, or maybe in the poly/ENM community at large.

We kinda need "monosexual" and "polysexual" to mirror "monoamorous" and "polyamorous", since monogamous/ polyamorous alone are not specific enough terms to make good distinctions in the realms of ethical non-monogamy.

I agree! I started reading one of the articles, and it recounts the dialog of an episode of Sex and the City as its authority. That's pretty funny.

I am pansexual and I only use that term to mean: attracted to all genders, male, female and in between. I have used that term for at least a decade. Has it gone out of style already? I don't know.

I am somewhat polysexual, in that I can be sexually attracted to multiple people at once, without needing a long period of getting to know them and developing deep feelings. I can be attracted to them on a more shallow, "You're hot, I'd do you," level. I might have sex with someone on a second date. That kind of thing.

I am poly-romantic, in that I can romantically love more than one person at a time. I combine poly-romantic and polysexual and become polyamorous, as I find this works for me (since I am not asexual or aromantic).

But this here, for example, is bullshit:

Polysexual vs. Polyamory? - OUT Maine

Dear Chuck, what is the difference between Polysexual and Polyamorous Here are some “official” definitions to help us get started. A polysexual person is someone who is sexually and/or romantically […]

www.outmaine.org

First of all, they say these are "official" definitions, quotes theirs. Therefore, they are not official, merely shots in the dark.

Here are some “official” definitions to help us get started.

A polysexual person is someone who is sexually and/or romantically attracted to multiple genders. It is not the same as being bisexual or pansexual,

They don't say why they think polysexual and pansexual are different. I and we here usually say that pansexual refers to attractions to all genders, and polysexual refers to being sexually attracted to multiple people at once, nothing to do with gender. You can be straight as a board and be polysexual.

although all of these sexualities involve being attracted to more than one gender.

Therefore, this is wrong.

It also is not the same as being polyamorous. A person who is polyamorous is someone who is both open to or prefers to have multiple emotional or sexual relationships at one time, though polyamory historically has not been considered a sexual orientation.

Other thoughts from our youth:

"Our youth"? Who are they? Some queer kids in Maine, apparently, in 2022.

“Polysexual is multiple sexual attractions lumped into one word”

An unclear statement.

“It is important to remember not to use the [sic] poly as a nickname because poly is also a shorthand name for polynesian”

Sure, there could be tiny bit of confusion there, although I've talked to polyamorous "Polynesians" who don't care. They don't even claim the Anglo term "Polynesian" to describe themselves haha And I don't think they'd just casually call themselves "poly."

The term polyamrous negative connotation because of poligmy.

This "youth" needs some spelling and grammar lessons. They are not an authority on these terms.

 

[Tinwen]

I agree! I started reading one of the articles, and it recounts the dialog of an episode of Sex and the City as its authority. That's pretty funny.

I am pansexual and I only use that term to mean: attracted to all genders, male, female and in between. I have used that term for at least a decade. Has it gone out of style already? I don't know.

I get that "monosexual" is a valid opposite to "bisexual", and then "polysexual" kinda also makes sense in a world that recognises more than two gendres. Could be more general than "bisexual" but less general than "pansexual", if that's a kind of thing, like maybe someone is attracted to female and non-binary but not male

But this here, for example, is bullshit:

Polysexual vs. Polyamory? - OUT Maine

Dear Chuck, what is the difference between Polysexual and Polyamorous Here are some “official” definitions to help us get started. A polysexual person is someone who is sexually and/or romantically […]

www.outmaine.org

First of all, they say these are "official" definitions, quotes theirs. Therefore, they are not official, merely shots in the dark.

No need to argue with garbage, since there is another evidence of people using the word in a differnt meaning than we do.

The wikipedia entry is still pretty much convincing (although fading against whatever the hell ai thinks), or rather setting the tone for newcomers. Maybe we should figure out how to add the other meaning to that very article and have both usages coexist peacefully. I've only tried to edit wikipedia once and it didn't stick, I guess I didn't follow proper community protocol

 

[silver-genie]

I didn't read the articles carefully; thank you for letting me know some of the sources were bad. Some sources being bad does not mean the other sources are. Some of the other sources are .org and .gov.

When I Google "polysexual meaning" the first thing that pops up is a dictionary definition from Oxford Languages.

Dictionary
Definitions from Oxford Languages · Learn more






pol·y·sex·u·al
/ˌpälēˈsekSH(əw)əl/

adjective
adjective: polysexual

1. involving or characterized by different sexualities; sexually or romantically attracted to more than one gender.

May I ask where you're getting the information that polysexual means being able to be sexually attracted to more than one person? The only place I've ever heard that are comments from people on polyamorous forums.

 

[Magdlyn]

I didn't read the articles carefully; thank you for letting me know some of the sources were bad.

It's important to fully read and comprehend sources before posting them, as you might be hoisting yourself by your own petard, if not.

Some sources being bad does not mean the other sources are. Some of the other sources are .org and .gov.

When I Google "polysexual meaning" the first thing that pops up is a dictionary definition from Oxford Languages.


Definitions from Oxford Languages · Learn more

pol·y·sex·u·al
/ˌpälēˈsekSH(əw)əl/

adjective
adjective: polysexual

1. involving or characterized by different sexualities; sexually or romantically attracted to more than one gender.

May I ask where you're getting the information that polysexual means being able to be sexually attracted to more than one person? The only place I've ever heard that are comments from people on polyamorous forums.

Okay, I will respect the Oxford English Dictionary over Sex in the City and a teenager in Maine.

However, when you look at the prefixes "pan" and "poly," "pan" is Greek for "many," and "poly" is Latin for "many." So basically pansexual and polysexual both mean sexually attracted to many.

On this board, and in my own queer circles here in Massachusetts, we take "pansexual" to mean attracted to many or all genders, and polysexual to mean the ability to be sexually attracted to many, with no thought of gender in the mix. Perhaps it's regional, but I've been on this board since 2009 and I've never had this argument before, and people come from all over the US and Europe here (with a smattering of other countries, mostly English-speaking ones).

Therefore, I'd say that pansexual must refer to gender, and polysexual to just fucking multiple people, no gender indicated. I am polyamorous and queer, so I can't say "polysexual" is used by the LGBTQIA community to indicate gender, as a blanket statement! If this is just the polyamorous community's take on it, that's fine. We are a polyamorous community. Our definition of "unicorn" is also different from the swinging community's definition of "unicorn," for example.

 

[Tinwen]

What's the swinging community's definition of "unicorn"?

 

[Magdlyn]

What's the swinging community's definition of "unicorn"?

As I recall, it is less broad than ours.

In polyamory circles, we often define a unicorn by her role as a sex toy for a MF couple to share, and treat as a second class citizen, as a dirty secret, as a secondary, who isn't supposed to date others, who is often expected to move in to their home very early in the relationship, but have less rights than the couple, not be allowed to have one-on-one sex or dates, might not have her own room, might be expected to babysit, to be a housekeeper, but not allowed to decorate the home, to have to follow all the rules the couple sets, etc. Basically just be a sex slave/servant.

In swinger circles, it's just all about sex. So a unicorn is simply a woman who is interested in having sex with a MF couple, period. There is no expectation of a real relationship, so the polyamory stuff doesn't apply.

 

[hetcurious19]

As I recall, it is less broad than ours.

In polyamory circles, we often define a unicorn by her role as a sex toy for a MF couple to share, and treat as a second class citizen, as a dirty secret, as a secondary, who isn't supposed to date others, who is often expected to move in to their home very early in the relationship, but have less rights than the couple, not be allowed to have one-on-one sex or dates, might not have her own room, might be expected to babysit, to be a housekeeper, but not allowed to decorate the home, to have to follow all the rules the couple sets, etc. Basically just be a sex slave/servant.

In swinger circles, it's just all about sex. So a unicorn is simply a woman who is interested in having sex with a MF couple, period. There is no expectation of a real relationship, so the polyamory stuff doesn't apply.

Ok, the first definition helps a lot to know what I DONT want. Poly people conceive a "unicorn" like that? wtf.