Tips on breaking the news to kids

S

Stevek

Active member
Howdy all,

Some of the regulars are familiar with my life story, but I will try my best to distill my current situation. I have been married to my wife, Emma for 15 years and we have two sons: Joe (14) and Logan (11). Due to a dead bedroom situation, Emma and I dipped our toes into non-monogamy. I went out on a few dates and a couple of one-night stands, and after actually giving up on apps, met my current girlfriend, Kaitlyn, IRL. It's been almost a year since we started seeing each other, and what I thought would just be a fling turned out to be a very loving relationship. I never knew I could love two women at the same time, but I am glad to be proven wrong.

Emma and Kaitlyn (20F) get along well. They run together and they even go on trips without me (just as friends, they are not having sex or interested in having sex with each other). Things have been great, but logistics have been an issue for some time.

I see Kaitlyn 3 - 4 times a week after work and before dinner (for an hour to an hour and a half) at her place. Most of the time, we just have sex and I go home to have dinner with my family. We do go out for a short hike or bouldering during the weekend if I am free. Once every three months, my wife takes the kids away for the weekend and Kaitlyn spends a couple of nights at my place. To an outsider, it might appear that we are just having sex and not much else, and they are not totally wrong. Kaitlyn has been very understanding and has never once complained, but I know that she would like to spend more time with me. My kids don't know about Kaitlyn and me, and that's the reason why I can barely spend any time with her.

However, she will have a lot of free time this summer, and I want to spend nights with her and even go on trips with her. But my kids will ask questions. Besides, it has been eating me up from the inside that I have been lying about her from the start. I am going to talk to my wife about telling my kids about Kaitlyn, but I also want to ask this forum for some potential tips and pitfalls.

If it makes any difference, my kids and Kaitlyn have a lot in common. We all like bouldering and hiking.
 
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You should probably point out the age difference, as it surely doesn't help :( I know it's in your signature, but not in the post, that Kaitlyn is much closer to the age of your son than to yours. I would not know how to approach this situation either... :(

Something that comes to mind, it's definitely good that Kaitlyn and Emma are now on friendly terms, and I'd definitely have Emma be there when introducing Kaitlyn, so that the kids can see she's not being cheated on and secretly unhappy about it.
 
Tinwen said:
You should probably point out the age difference, as it surely doesn't help :( I know it's in your signature, but not in the post, that Kaitlyn is much closer to the age of your son than to yours. I would not know how to approach this situation either... :(

Something that comes to mind, it's definitely good that Kaitlyn and Emma are now on friendly terms, and I'd definitely have Emma be there when introducing Kaitlyn, so that the kids can see she's not being cheated on and secretly unhappy about it.
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Updated the post with K's age too. I thought I would just tell them without Kaitlyn actually being there. Just Emma and I will sit them down and break the news.
 
Stevek said:
I thought I would just tell them without Kaitlyn actually being there. Just Emma and I will sit them down and break the news.
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Yes, that's probably the way to go. Explain, then introduce.
I was also thinking of the possibility that they could see her first as someone neutral, like Emma's running partner, and then you explain 🤔
 
Tinwen said:
I was also thinking of the possibility that they could see her first as someone neutral, like Emma's running partner, and then you explain 🤔
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They kind of know about Kaitlyn as Emma told them that she is running with a new friend and as she went on some trips with her.
 
Hi Steve,

Your kids are probably old enough to know what "nonmonogamy" means, so I suppose that's how to explain it to them, "Your mother and I have decided to practice nonmonogamy. I have a girlfriend, her name is Kaitlyn." I would say this to them with Emma present, so that they can see that she is on board with this. I don't consider it necessary to frame it to them in a sexual context, they don't need to hear that "I have sex with both women." But, as their father, you know better than I do how to approach this revelation. Good luck and keep us posted.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Also, probably you could test the water first with some questions and see if they know what polyamory is at all, and explain and let it sit in their head a little before revealing that this is your situation.
 
Polyamory is a topic that adolescents learn about in our culture today, on the streets, so to speak. The concept is being talked about in our culture, and kids are sponges. They pick things up. You might ask them if they have heard of open relationships, ethical non-monogamy, swinging or polyamory, and ask them what they've heard.

That was how I approached all sexual topics with my kids, from about age 5 up. "What have you heard?" first, then give info next.

After all, your own kids may have already had feelings for more than one person too. Those hormones are hormoning. It might be liking more than one girl at school, or two in quick succession (if your boys are straight). Or it might be two celebrity crushes. Humans are not naturally monogamous. It's not even usually healthy to only ever love one person, fall in love in your teens, and stay with them forever. Nor is it reasonable to expect that. That's old school Disney hogwash.

There will probably be some discomfort that Kaitlyn is so close to their own age. Joe is only 6 years younger. But this discomfort could fade into a big sister/kid brother, or young aunt and nephew kind of thing over time.

This AI explanation shows the benefits of introducing your kids to the concept of polyamory, or other alternative "non-traditional" forms of romantic love.

 
After talking to Emma, we decided not to tell the kids. Maybe we will revisit this topic in a couple of years. Thanks for the suggestions.
 
Stevek said:
After talking to Emma, we decided not to tell the kids. Maybe we will revisit this topic in a couple of years. Thanks for the suggestions.
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Will they be seeing Kaitlyn on any occasions?
 
Tinwen said:
Will they be seeing Kaitlyn on any occasions?
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They will know that my wife is hanging out with her but she is not going to be a constant presence.
 
Meanwhile, you can build a more open, tolerant and sex-positive atmosphere at home the way you talk about dating with them etc. I know you had trouble talking openly about sex at all at the beginning of your relationship and had problems wrapping your own mind around the concept of polyamory, the kids must have soaked that "sex is taboo" atmosphere in. Time to start shifting that.
 
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