A little lost

[Burleyrose]

Hi All, please forgive me if i use the wrong words or phrase or of i dont understand acronyms this is all very new to me.

My husband and I made the decision to open our relationship about 6 months ago, initially we said it would be just sex no emoton, how wrong could we be

Since then we have realised that my husband is 100% poly and has been surpressing it for years (which makes me sad) he wants loving relationships ( which i am supportive of)

He didnt wamt me to feel left out so I did try the other sexual partner thing but it made me feel icky. I think I would be ok of my husband was also participating but without him it feels empty.

My husband is now developing a relationship with someone else he feels love for her and again i am fully supportive and it makes me happy to see him happy but im struggling a little with conflicting emotions. I dont want to stop him because it genuinely makes me feel happy that he is enjoying love woth someone else but i cant shake the fear and worry.

I dont really know what my question is i guess i just want to know of it os ok to feel insecure, jealous, anxious, happy and aroused all at the same time.

I also would like to kmow how best to navigate this very very new experience

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Burleyrose,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You are doing fine, everyone goes through a steep learning curve at the beginning of poly. It is really sweet that you care so much for your husband and want to support him, poly is such a new thing in today's society, there is a lot of monogamous conditioning and people are afraid to be out about their poly feelings. You don't have to be poly, you and your husband can differ in that area, and still get along. Take it slow, and learn what works for each of you. Jealousy isn't just for monogamists, polyamorists feel it too. You just have to identify what is making you fearful and worried. Keep reading and posting on our threads and boards here, and ask more questions as they come up for you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[Burleyrose]

Greetings Burleyrose,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You are doing fine, everyone goes through a steep learning curve at the beginning of poly. It is really sweet that you care so much for your husband and want to support him, poly is such a new thing in today's society, there is a lot of monogamous conditioning and people are afraid to be out about their poly feelings. You don't have to be poly, you and your husband can differ in that area, and still get along. Take it slow, and learn what works for each of you. Jealousy isn't just for monogamists, polyamorists feel it too. You just have to identify what is making you fearful and worried. Keep reading and posting on our threads and boards here, and ask more questions as they come up for you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

Thank you, im navigating as best i can but one thing i know os seeing my husband happy makes me happy I thought i would be against the emotional connection but actually i think thats better. Im learning and will feel all emotions im sure but thank you for welcoming me even if im not sire where i fit x

 

[kdt26417]

No problem, you will fit in, you just have to figure out by degrees what works for you. There are so many varieties of polyamory, just as every individual person is unique, so every relationship is unique. I for one will be happy to help in any way I can.

 

[Burleyrose]

Greetings Burleyrose,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You are doing fine, everyone goes through a steep learning curve at the beginning of poly. It is really sweet that you care so much for your husband and want to support him, poly is such a new thing in today's society, there is a lot of monogamous conditioning and people are afraid to be out about their poly feelings. You don't have to be poly, you and your husband can differ in that area, and still get along. Take it slow, and learn what works for each of you. Jealousy isn't just for monogamists, polyamorists feel it too. You just have to identify what is making you fearful and worried. Keep reading and posting on our threads and boards here, and ask more questions as they come up for you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

Ps i have read the guideline now and realised my errors, i will try better please forgive my ignorance

No problem, you will fit in, you just have to figure out by degrees what works for you. There are so many varieties of polyamory, just as every individual person is unique, so every relationship is unique. I for one will be happy to help in any way I can.

Thank you again, I think personally this is a very new thought for me. But I am really keen to make sure i can support my husband through this, i have struggled to find a story that matches ours because i honestly dont feel any resentment. We always said right from the start that sex was just sex and that didnt need forgiveness I just wish he could have been honest about wanting to having love with someone else. Now he feels like its a trap and it really isnt

 

[Burleyrose]

I also feel a little foolish nlw that there are so many similar posts to mine im struggling to find one that feels the same though, im not hurt, i dont feel betrayed or anything like that i do feel sad that he couldnt tell me but I truly want to encourage and support this.

 

[kdt26417]

I don't think you have done any significant errors, don't worry you are doing fine. I think you just want to support your husband in his transition to an open/poly relationship, he will need to take it slow, too, both of you must build a deeper layer of trust for each other. In a world that only supports monogamy, the transition to ethical/consensual nonmonogamy is difficult and complex, and cannot be done overnight. Keep talking to your husband about this, he probably doesn't know exactly what he wants, and will need to talk about it with you. Don't be discouraged, just keep reading and posting here and the various members will help you.

 

[Tinwen]

I also feel a little foolish nlw that there are so many similar posts to mine im struggling to find one that feels the same though, im not hurt, i dont feel betrayed or anything like that i do feel sad that he couldnt tell me but I truly want to encourage and support this.

Hi!
You're doing great, you may feel a little lost, but you don't actually sound lost. We do have a majority of horor stories in the poly relationship corner, but that is a bit of a bias, since people who manage to transition without major uncertainties, or with support from their surroundings, are less likely to look for the forum. Some of the blogs feature long-term, steady, loving and boring relationships

I'm thinking in your situation, just go in with your eyes open for a few traps and keep a few common-sense guidelines

- remember "it's almost never a problem with your metamour" --- if there is something that isn't sitting right, usually you have to take it up with your husband, who is in charge of how he spends his own time, the info he (over)shares or fails to share with you about the other relationship etc. Also, poly highlights all the cracks in the original relationship - it's not the fault of the structure (let alone the metamour) if problems that have been swept und the rug for years suddenly come up.

- keep things fair. If you have domestic duties and childcare to share, his NRE doesn't mean he suddenly gets more time off while you watch the kids. He may want and need more time outside of home, but in that case, the new agreements should also mean time off for you.

- mixed feelings including confusion and grief are totally normal. Some will say your old relationship is over, and you are building a new one from scratch. There is inherently loss involved and it's ok to mourn that.

- take care of the relationship. You should not feel neglected and uncared for - even if your husband is excited about someone else, even if you see him less often, you should feel he cares and makes you a priority in his life. Schedule regular quality time and dates together.

- always speak up. Radical honestly in expressing your needs is your new friend. You may not always be able to get all you want, but you should always feel heared.

- build your safety net and your independent social network. If you share finances and don't have your own account and reserves, this is a time to change that. Also, if husband has other partners and you don't, you need other supportive people around. More than in monogamy you need selfcare and hobbies that keep you happy and healthy.

- experiment and find advantages for yourself. Some will say doing this for your partner is not a good enough reason. I tend to disagree and you seem to also feel it's worth it - maybe because their polyamorous nature grows from the very personality traits we love them for. But even if you don't go full poly(-amorous or -sexual), you may want to go as far as having a cuddle buddy or have a massage without doubt and guilt or deep emotional connections you may have found inappropriate in strict monogamy.

That's from the top of my mind. Good luck and stick around