Ember's catharsis, musings, and updates.

[xmoonember]

Start.
7/1/26

Sort of made the mistake of having my first journal post re: feelings be its own separate thing. If I could edit that post to be the start I would. Maybe I'm just becoming internet illiterate.

Well, let's get into it ~

A few weeks ago I spent the night at Finch's place for the first time. It was after a bonfire munch near his place, and I sort of randomly suggested it. We went to bed pretty late after staying out then watching an episode of an anime, and then I got up early to go home. Overall, there was nothing significant about it. I just wanted the cuddles.

Last week, Finch came over and was leaving my place pretty late. As he was leaving he said, "don't worry, we'll be able to sleep in the same bed sometime soon."

He didn't remember that I had stayed over, and that really stung. In his defense, he was exhausted that day as he suffers from insomnia and other sleep disorders. But it still doesn't feel good.

Since this week is a long holiday weekend, and Finch and I usually see each other on Thursdays, I told him I wanted to sleep over this week. He was very enthusiastic about it with a "please do!" So I am excited to have an intentional sleepover this time.

However, I also wanted to do a beach day on Friday with my kids. Raven had also suggested a beach day, so I mentioned it to her. She said she doesn't mind hanging out with me, Duck, and the kids together.

Finch lives literally right next to the beach. I let him know I was thinking of grabbing a spot sometime after we wake up on Friday, and told him that while I'd love for him to join that he shouldn't feel pressured to meet/hang out with my children.

He said he's not ready for that yet, but would perhaps come by and say hi.

So of course now I'm spiraling about it. I feel really embarrassed and anxious. When we first started dating, he had mentioned that he didn't mind that I have kids and that he likes children (he's a tutor). I guess I projected this to mean that, when I felt comfortable enough to introduce them, that he'd likely feel comfortable too. So that was a misinterpretation on my part.

I mentioned this anxiety to Raven, and she said that it's good that he feels comfortable enough with me to express this boundary. I agree, but it still feels awkward.

And on that note, I wish I could confide more in Raven about these sort of things [she's mentioned that she's a safe space for sharing feelings (not gossip) and being vulnerable], but I'm worried that sharing feelings about one paramour with another could make things messy. I'll save it for journaling and therapy.

Anyway, ultimately the biggest issue I am struggling with with Finch is that I think I have deeper feelings for him than he does for me. Which, as mentioned in my previous post, scares me. I see a lot of compatibility issues with Finch, and this is the most glaring one to me.
Honestly, I keep thinking about ending things with him before I fall too deeply. I want to save myself from getting hurt, but I like him too much and enjoy our polycule. I don't want to ruin things for everyone else. Ugh.

Apologies for the rambling, and thanks for reading.

 

[xmoonember]

Start.
7/1/26

Sort of made the mistake of having my first journal post re: feelings be its own separate thing. If I could edit that post to be the start I would. Maybe I'm just becoming internet illiterate.

Well, let's get into it ~

A few weeks ago I spent the night at Finch's place for the first time. It was after a bonfire munch near his place, and I sort of randomly suggested it. We went to bed pretty late after staying out then watching an episode of an anime, and then I got up early to go home. Overall, there was nothing significant about it. I just wanted the cuddles.

Last week, Finch came over and was leaving my place pretty late. As he was leaving he said, "don't worry, we'll be able to sleep in the same bed sometime soon."

He didn't remember that I had stayed over, and that really stung. In his defense, he was exhausted that day as he suffers from insomnia and other sleep disorders. But it still doesn't feel good.

Since this week is a long holiday weekend, and Finch and I usually see each other on Thursdays, I told him I wanted to sleep over this week. He was very enthusiastic about it with a "please do!" So I am excited to have an intentional sleepover this time.

However, I also wanted to do a beach day on Friday with my kids. Raven had also suggested a beach day, so I mentioned it to her. She said she doesn't mind hanging out with me, Duck, and the kids together.

Finch lives literally right next to the beach. I let him know I was thinking of grabbing a spot sometime after we wake up on Friday, and told him that while I'd love for him to join that he shouldn't feel pressured to meet/hang out with my children.

He said he's not ready for that yet, but would perhaps come by and say hi.

So of course now I'm spiraling about it. I feel really embarrassed and anxious. When we first started dating, he had mentioned that he didn't mind that I have kids and that he likes children (he's a tutor). I guess I projected this to mean that, when I felt comfortable enough to introduce them, that he'd likely feel comfortable too. So that was a misinterpretation on my part.

I mentioned this anxiety to Raven, and she said that it's good that he feels comfortable enough with me to express this boundary. I agree, but it still feels awkward.

And on that note, I wish I could confide more in Raven about these sort of things [she's mentioned that she's a safe space for sharing feelings (not gossip) and being vulnerable], but I'm worried that sharing feelings about one paramour with another could make things messy. I'll save it for journaling and therapy.

Anyway, ultimately the biggest issue I am struggling with with Finch is that I think I have deeper feelings for him than he does for me. Which, as mentioned in my previous post, scares me. I see a lot of compatibility issues with Finch, and this is the most glaring one to me.
Honestly, I keep thinking about ending things with him before I fall too deeply. I want to save myself from getting hurt, but I like him too much and enjoy our polycule. I don't want to ruin things for everyone else. Ugh.

Apologies for the rambling, and thanks for reading.

After this post I told Duck I was considering breaking up with Finch. We had a pretty emotional phone call where we concluded I have just been making assumptions and building a narrative (my therapist would be so disappointed). So I'm just going to have to be vulnerable and talk to Finch tomorrow. Express my needs, and see where he's at emotionally. It's scary, but I'm feeling better.

 

[xmoonember]

7/3/26

So I spent the night with Finch and it was very lovely. We went on a walk to grab food, watched my favorite movie (Princess Bride), were intimate, and then had an hour of chatting before falling asleep.

We talked about our feelings and where we're at, though there was a lot of dancing around things. Ultimately it seems like he's not emotionally available to have deeper, more intense feelings right now. He's essentially been in a caregiver role non-stop for a while, and adding in the insomnia and sleep disorders, he's burnt out and depressed.

This hurts a bit because I realized I love him. I didn't tell him this because I don't want to scare him off, but it was definitely something I felt very strongly in my heart last night and this morning.
I essentially told him I think I was going a little too deep, too fast, and we agreed I should slow down.

But I don't know what to do now. I was going to buy us tickets to a candlelight concert (which we already agreed to go to together), but now I'm scared that it will feel too romantic for me and only strengthen my feelings. This is the opposite of what I feel like I need to do, which is to pull back and be more nonchalant (I think).

But it doesn't sound like he wants to end things or anything. He even told me not to leave.
We agreed the next meaningful step would be to meet my kids, which he is hesitant about. I think he holds that as a very deep and meaningful thing, but mostly because he's a caretaker and doesn't want to step into that role with someone's kids. I get that, and told him he should separate that from his brain because that's not an expectation by any means. He's just not ready for that yet, though.

I did tell him that I'm feeling a bit insecure in our relationship, and that I really do need more communication throughout the week. I don't want to feel like I'm just a day on his calendar, I want to feel like I matter. He said he has a big mental and emotional block about texting, and that he'd bring it up with his therapist.

So now... I guess I just let things be as they have been. I'll need to work on feeling comfortable with where we're at and managing my own emotions when it comes to him. Not sure what else there is to do, tbh.

He just made me breakfast and coffee. He's so sweet.

Thanks for reading, and enjoy the holiday weekend!

 

[IndieSolo]

I realized I love him. I didn't tell him this because I don't want to scare him off, but it was definitely something I felt very strongly in my heart last night and this morning.
I essentially told him I think I was going a little too deep, too fast, and we agreed I should slow down.

But I don't know what to do now. I was going to buy us tickets to a candlelight concert (which we already agreed to go to together), but now I'm scared that it will feel too romantic for me and only strengthen my feelings. This is the opposite of what I feel like I need to do, which is to pull back and be more nonchalant (I think).

Stepping back will probably be good for you. But really step back, don't play a part you think he wants from you. Don't pretend to be nonchalant if you really don't feel it. Sit with your feelings and, most importantly, examine them. Use stepping back to dig down deep and understand yourself more.

Are you familiar with the concept of the "relationship escalator?" Basically, it's the idea that relationships are supposed to progress in a certain way, like stepping onto an escalator that takes you to the next level. And those ideas foster expectations about what progressing to the "next" step is supposed to look like. Those expectations often prompt people to say things like: "We've been seeing each other for x amount of time and it still doesn't feel like we have a commitment;" "I told him I love him but he hasn't said he loves me back yet;" or "If we spend a romantic evening together, it should mean that our relationship is more serious now."

It sounds like you keep wanting him to step on the escalator with you. That's a lot of expectation to place on someone with whom you've only been involved for a few months, if I remember correctly. So my questions for you are: do you think you can love this man and simply let your love for him be enough? Can you not revel in and enjoy how you feel when you're with him without wishing it were different/more/a certain brand of specialness? Can you let go of expectations, the escalator, and the idea that loving someone is supposed to mean something really really important about where the relationship is headed? If not, perhaps you would benefit from examining your beliefs and expectations around relationships and see what is tripping you up.

We agreed the next meaningful step would be to meet my kids, which he is hesitant about. I think he holds that as a very deep and meaningful thing, but mostly because he's a caretaker and doesn't want to step into that role with someone's kids. I get that, and told him he should separate that from his brain because that's not an expectation by any means. He's just not ready for that yet, though.

You sound very disappointed that he isn't ready for that. Again the escalator. What if he never feels ready to meet your kids - would you dump him? Why is that the "next meaningful step" anyway? Do you not think it's possible to be with him just to enjoy being with him? Why do you hope he will want to head in one particular direction, instead of being present and enjoying what is? Why does it have to go somewhere? I'm not asking these questions to get an answer from you; rather, these are questions I think would benefit you to ask yourself.

I did tell him that I'm feeling a bit insecure in our relationship, and that I really do need more communication throughout the week. I don't want to feel like I'm just a day on his calendar, I want to feel like I matter. He said he has a big mental and emotional block about texting, and that he'd bring it up with his therapist.

I think this was a practical, healthy thing to express to him that you prefer more communication. So good for you, for standing up for yourself and voicing your needs. However, that doesn't mean he will comply. He may not feel capable of keeping up whatever amount of communication you want. So what can YOU do internally to ease your feelings of insecurity? Because it's really not his job to make you feel more secure. I mean, yes, a partner needs to be honest, to show up when they say they will, demonstrate that they can be trusted, and all that stuff, but many people still feel insecure even when their partner "does everything right." It's actually possible that he may even be doing everything right, right now, but you just can't see it because of your insecurities.

Your sense of feeling secure or insecure may have past events connected to it, but it still comes from within and needs to be addressed from within, just like your sense of self-worth does. Having an inner sense of security and a sense of self-worth means that you know you are "enough" just because you exist, and keeps you from falling apart when things don't go your way with your external circumstances. And then, the amount of communication in a relationship would be "neither here nor there," in terms of your feeling secure. It is what it is, and may have practical implications, such as when it comes to making plans, but if you have a healthy sense of self-worth and feel secure in who you are, how much communication you get won't "make you" feel any less secure or worthy.

Just some food for thought. I hope it is helpful so that you don't suffer so much wrestling with your feelings.

 

[xmoonember]

Stepping back will probably be good for you. But really step back, don't play a part you think he wants from you. Don't pretend to be nonchalant if you really don't feel it. Sit with your feelings and, most importantly, examine them. Use stepping back to dig down deep and understand yourself more.

Are you familiar with the concept of the "relationship escalator?" Basically, it's the idea that relationships are supposed to progress in a certain way, like stepping onto an escalator that takes you to the next level. And those ideas foster expectations about what progressing to the "next" step is supposed to look like. Those expectations often prompt people to say things like: "We've been seeing each other for x amount of time and it still doesn't feel like we have a commitment;" "I told him I love him but he hasn't said he loves me back yet;" or "If we spend a romantic evening together, it should mean that our relationship is more serious now."

It sounds like you keep wanting him to step on the escalator with you. That's a lot of expectation to place on someone with whom you've only been involved for a few months, if I remember correctly. So my questions for you are: do you think you can love this man and simply let your love for him be enough? Can you not revel in and enjoy how you feel when you're with him without wishing it were different/more/a certain brand of specialness? Can you let go of expectations, the escalator, and the idea that loving someone is supposed to mean something really really important about where the relationship is headed? If not, perhaps you would benefit from examining your beliefs and expectations around relationships and see what is tripping you up.


You sound very disappointed that he isn't ready for that. Again the escalator. What if he never feels ready to meet your kids - would you dump him? Why is that the "next meaningful step" anyway? Do you not think it's possible to be with him just to enjoy being with him? Why do you hope he will want to head in one particular direction, instead of being present and enjoying what is? Why does it have to go somewhere? I'm not asking these questions to get an answer from you; rather, these are questions I think would benefit you to ask yourself.



I think this was a practical, healthy thing to express to him that you prefer more communication. So good for you, for standing up for yourself and voicing your needs. However, that doesn't mean he will comply. He may not feel capable of keeping up whatever amount of communication you want. So what can YOU do internally to ease your feelings of insecurity? Because it's really not his job to make you feel more secure. I mean, yes, a partner needs to be honest, to show up when they say they will, demonstrate that they can be trusted, and all that stuff, but many people still feel insecure even when their partner "does everything right." It's actually possible that he may even be doing everything right, right now, but you just can't see it because of your insecurities.

Your sense of feeling secure or insecure may have past events connected to it, but it still comes from within and needs to be addressed from within, just like your sense of self-worth does. Having an inner sense of security and a sense of self-worth means that you know you are "enough" just because you exist, and keeps you from falling apart when things don't go your way with your external circumstances. And then, the amount of communication in a relationship would be "neither here nor there," in terms of your feeling secure. It is what it is, and may have practical implications, such as when it comes to making plans, but if you have a healthy sense of self-worth and feel secure in who you are, how much communication you get won't "make you" feel any less secure or worthy.

Just some food for thought. I hope it is helpful so that you don't suffer so much wrestling with your feelings.

Ultimately, I just want to thank you for providing such a thorough response with a lot of thought provoking and challenging questions. I've been really thinking hard about these the past few days.

Regarding meeting my kids - the "next meaningful step" was his expression, not mine. I do not expect any sort of relationship between him and my kids. In fact, I'd rather it remain pretty neutral. For me it just presents itself as an opportunity for us to see each other outside of late night rendezvous. It'd be nice to have some outings during the day on the weekends. If he's not ready to do that then that's totally fine, I just wanted to express it as an option.

Initially I started typing out how I don't want there to be much of an escalator between us, but I'm realizing I may be mistaken. Besides the enmeshment I have with my husband (kids/family, nesting, finances, etc.), I'm realizing I'm very open to being committed to others. I want reciprocated love and being able to rely on someone. I do like feeling special. That being said, it's not something I need all at once, especially because I know he's not in a place for any of that right now.

In my post, I mentioned about learning to be comfortable with my feelings and where the two of us are at - that's me trying to accept everything for what it is. Not only am I an extremely sentimental person (I have a habit of assigning intense meaning to things), but I'm neurodivergent with some pretty strong RSD, so it's very hard for me to move forward in a relationship without validation. I'm taking him for his word that he likes me a lot, and trying to accept that it's enough. The fact that he wants to keep spending time with me is enough to prove that.

I love him. It makes me happy to be with him and have these feelings in my heart. I'm noticing I'm acting on a lot of my love languages lately. Showing how I feel is good, but it's so hard not to express that with words. When you love someone, you just want them to know. But I'm trying to convince myself that what we have right now, in this moment, is enough.

But... I'm also having a hard time slowing down. We spent most of Saturday night together at a social event, which he said was special because of me (will likely post more on this later). I had the day off today and was so excited to have time to myself, except I asked if he wanted to chill, which he seemed excited to do, so we binged a show at his place. He was sweeter than usual, and it made me happy. I'm also seeing him Thursday (our standing date night), likely Saturday (we tend to hang out as a polycule on the weekend), and then we have our candlelight concert date on Sunday.

This isn't slow. We went from seeing each other maybe 1-2x per week to more than half the days.

I think after this week I'm going to actually step back. I think by spending more time together I'm secretly hoping he'll love me, and I have a habit of falling into false hope, wishful thinking, and disappointment. No matter how much I tell myself that what we have is enough, I know I'll eventually make myself sad about it. But I also don't want to fall into my disorganized attachment and become avoidant...

Sorry, I've had some wine and now I'm rambling a bit. Sigh.

For now, I'm happy. It's enough.

 

[Magdlyn]

Suddenly spending several days a week with Finch-- how does that work when you've got a husband and young kids? I see you said you go out after they are in bed. Does that mean that Duck, your husband, has suddenly been thrust into being responsible for the kids a lot, since you're going out to events (like bonfires, candlelit concerts, etc.) and going to Finch's place to watch TV and/or spend the night with him?

I guess it was NRE that made you decide to hang out with Finch instead of enjoying your "me time"? Do you mean you were going to have "me time" after the kids were in bed? How could you have "me time" if Duck was there?

How would you like this friend turned lover to fit in on the escalator you're already on with Duck?

How will you reciprocate sharing childcare with Duck? Would he always be home with the kids (maybe having Raven come over there), while you're out in the evenings, or even overnight, with Finch? It seems like it's too soon to ask Finch to come to your place when the kids are sleeping, so that Duck can go out as much as you want to go out.

 

[xmoonember]

Does that mean that Duck, your husband, has suddenly been thrust into being responsible for the kids a lot

This is a shared thing we both do. For example, tonight he is going to hang out with some friends. I'll put the kids to bed. If I go out, he puts them to bed. We live in a granny flat connected to my in-laws house, so if we both go out we at least have someone here to watch monitors. And if we go out early, they usually don't mind doing bedtime once a week.

I guess it was NRE that made you decide to hang out with Finch instead of enjoying your "me time"? Do you mean you were going to have "me time" after the kids were in bed? How could you have "me time" if Duck was there?

So during the day, my kids are in daycare. I took the day off so I could have a day to do whatever I want.
Finch is a full-time tutor and gets a lot of time off during the summer. We had recently started a show together and I mentioned maybe coming over. Yeah, it was probably the NRE. I honestly was expecting him to say no, so I was surprised. I was fully prepared to just stay in my pajamas all day lol. But I was only there during the midday until I had to pick up the kids.

How would you like this friend turned lover to fit in on the escalator you're already on with Duck?

Good question. I don't foresee the same sort of life partner enmeshment I currently have with Duck. Instead, I'm thinking more of time and emotional commitment. I'd love to be able to go out together with my kids sometime (again, no real relationship is required there). To bring him (and Raven!) to social gatherings and parties with our other friend circles (family would be nice too but there may be less acceptance there). If I were ever sick or otherwise in need, I'd love to be able to rely on them. And just having mutual, reciprocated love for one another.

How will you reciprocate sharing childcare with Duck? Would he always be home with the kids (maybe having Raven come over there), while you're out in the evenings, or even overnight, with Finch? It seems like it's too soon to ask Finch to come to your place when the kids are sleeping, so that Duck can go out as much as you want to go out.

I kind of already answered this but we do this. Duck and Raven made plans to go out this Thursday (again, my standing date night with Finch). So after Duck goes out and I get my kids in bed, Finch will come over here and we'll watch a movie.

Thanks for the questions, I hope this helps clarify things.

 

[IndieSolo]

Initially I started typing out how I don't want there to be much of an escalator between us, but . . . I want reciprocated love and being able to rely on someone. I do like feeling special. That being said, it's not something I need all at once, especially because I know he's not in a place for any of that right now.

. . . it's very hard for me to move forward in a relationship without validation. I'm taking him for his word that he likes me a lot, and trying to accept that it's enough. The fact that he wants to keep spending time with me is enough to prove that.

I love him. It makes me happy to be with him and have these feelings in my heart. I'm noticing I'm acting on a lot of my love languages lately. Showing how I feel is good, but it's so hard not to express that with words. When you love someone, you just want them to know. But I'm trying to convince myself that what we have right now, in this moment, is enough.

I want to clarify something about what I wrote in my previous post to you.

The issue, as I see it, regarding the "relationship escalator" is not really about the stages in a relationship where the people get closer and make commitments to each other. If relationships naturally go that way, that's great! The issue is not about wanting love reciprocated or wanting that feeling of being special to someone. The issue that makes things difficult and causes us pain is basically expectations. When we hold onto our expectations that things should go a certain way, we struggle and suffer when they don't. Or we put all our energies into forcing it to go the way we want, but in my experience, that usually backfires and hurts us even more. And when things do go the way we expected, we consider that to be "proof" that having expectations works, but that belief only sets us up for more disappointments.

There is a huge difference between having expectations and having preferences or simply being open to possibilities. Expectations are killers. Being attached to a particular outcome gets in the way of being present, and kills any chances of appreciating life as it is. So, avoiding the relationship escalator doesn't mean that we shouldn't want love, shouldn't make plans with someone, or shouldn't enjoy being special to them. What it does mean is that we look at and acknowledge our own expectations (we all have them) and let go of defining our relationships, or defining who we are, by whether or not those expectations are met. By letting go of expectations, we can make choices based on reality and not what's in our heads. Basically, when we focus on specific outcomes, our lives become narrow and confining; when we are present and open to possibility, our lives become large and full.

 

[xmoonember]

I want to clarify something about what I wrote in my previous post to you.

The issue, as I see it, regarding the "relationship escalator" is not really about the stages in a relationship where the people get closer and make commitments to each other. If relationships naturally go that way, that's great! The issue is not about wanting love reciprocated or wanting that feeling of being special to someone. The issue that makes things difficult and causes us pain is basically expectations. When we hold onto our expectations that things should go a certain way, we struggle and suffer when they don't. Or we put all our energies into forcing it to go the way we want, but in my experience, that usually backfires and hurts us even more. And when things do go the way we expected, we consider that to be "proof" that having expectations works, but that belief only sets us up for more disappointments.

There is a huge difference between having expectations and having preferences or simply being open to possibilities. Expectations are killers. Being attached to a particular outcome gets in the way of being present, and kills any chances of appreciating life as it is. So, avoiding the relationship escalator doesn't mean that we shouldn't want love, shouldn't make plans with someone, or shouldn't enjoy being special to them. What it does mean is that we look at and acknowledge our own expectations (we all have them) and let go of defining our relationships, or defining who we are, by whether or not those expectations are met. By letting go of expectations, we can make choices based on reality and not what's in our heads. Basically, when we focus on specific outcomes, our lives become narrow and confining; when we are present and open to possibility, our lives become large and full.

Thank you for clarifying your point. It's interesting that you mention expectations because it has always been a pitfall to me. Especially because I have a habit of creating expectations in my head, not communicating them, and then feeling hurt when they don't go the way I want.

I'm really trying to avoid setting expectations here. I was already narrative building and turning our relationship into something it wasn't based on absolutely nothing but my imagination.

I don't want to get ahead of myself, and I'm working on taking things one day at a time.

 

[IndieSolo]

It's interesting that you mention expectations because it has always been a pitfall to me. Especially because I have a habit of creating expectations in my head, not communicating them, and then feeling hurt when they don't go the way I want.

It's good that you know these things about yourself and are aware of what your tendencies are. But be sure not to judge yourself or beat yourself up about it. You are human and we all have patterns of being that can get in our way.

I'm really trying to avoid setting expectations here. I was already narrative building and turning our relationship into something it wasn't based on absolutely nothing but my imagination.

I don't want to get ahead of myself, and I'm working on taking things one day at a time.

Awareness is key. Also patience and compassion toward yourself. When you catch yourself and see how much you've invested in your expectations, just take a step back, breathe, and simply acknowledge what you see without scolding yourself or concluding that you are wrong or bad or fucked-up for doing them. It's tricky not to judge and scold ourselves but with practice and a sense of humor, it's possible!

You sound like you're in a better place mentally/emotionally than you were. You're probably doing a lot better than you think you are!