xmoonember
New member
Start.
7/1/26
Sort of made the mistake of having my first journal post re: feelings be its own separate thing. If I could edit that post to be the start I would. Maybe I'm just becoming internet illiterate.
Well, let's get into it ~
A few weeks ago I spent the night at Finch's place for the first time. It was after a bonfire munch near his place, and I sort of randomly suggested it. We went to bed pretty late after staying out then watching an episode of an anime, and then I got up early to go home. Overall, there was nothing significant about it. I just wanted the cuddles.
Last week, Finch came over and was leaving my place pretty late. As he was leaving he said, "don't worry, we'll be able to sleep in the same bed sometime soon."
He didn't remember that I had stayed over, and that really stung. In his defense, he was exhausted that day as he suffers from insomnia and other sleep disorders. But it still doesn't feel good.
Since this week is a long holiday weekend, and Finch and I usually see each other on Thursdays, I told him I wanted to sleep over this week. He was very enthusiastic about it with a "please do!" So I am excited to have an intentional sleepover this time.
However, I also wanted to do a beach day on Friday with my kids. Raven had also suggested a beach day, so I mentioned it to her. She said she doesn't mind hanging out with me, Duck, and the kids together.
Finch lives literally right next to the beach. I let him know I was thinking of grabbing a spot sometime after we wake up on Friday, and told him that while I'd love for him to join that he shouldn't feel pressured to meet/hang out with my children.
He said he's not ready for that yet, but would perhaps come by and say hi.
So of course now I'm spiraling about it. I feel really embarrassed and anxious. When we first started dating, he had mentioned that he didn't mind that I have kids and that he likes children (he's a tutor). I guess I projected this to mean that, when I felt comfortable enough to introduce them, that he'd likely feel comfortable too. So that was a misinterpretation on my part.
I mentioned this anxiety to Raven, and she said that it's good that he feels comfortable enough with me to express this boundary. I agree, but it still feels awkward.
And on that note, I wish I could confide more in Raven about these sort of things [she's mentioned that she's a safe space for sharing feelings (not gossip) and being vulnerable], but I'm worried that sharing feelings about one paramour with another could make things messy. I'll save it for journaling and therapy.
Anyway, ultimately the biggest issue I am struggling with with Finch is that I think I have deeper feelings for him than he does for me. Which, as mentioned in my previous post, scares me. I see a lot of compatibility issues with Finch, and this is the most glaring one to me.
Honestly, I keep thinking about ending things with him before I fall too deeply. I want to save myself from getting hurt, but I like him too much and enjoy our polycule. I don't want to ruin things for everyone else. Ugh.
Apologies for the rambling, and thanks for reading.
7/1/26
Sort of made the mistake of having my first journal post re: feelings be its own separate thing. If I could edit that post to be the start I would. Maybe I'm just becoming internet illiterate.
Well, let's get into it ~
A few weeks ago I spent the night at Finch's place for the first time. It was after a bonfire munch near his place, and I sort of randomly suggested it. We went to bed pretty late after staying out then watching an episode of an anime, and then I got up early to go home. Overall, there was nothing significant about it. I just wanted the cuddles.
Last week, Finch came over and was leaving my place pretty late. As he was leaving he said, "don't worry, we'll be able to sleep in the same bed sometime soon."
He didn't remember that I had stayed over, and that really stung. In his defense, he was exhausted that day as he suffers from insomnia and other sleep disorders. But it still doesn't feel good.
Since this week is a long holiday weekend, and Finch and I usually see each other on Thursdays, I told him I wanted to sleep over this week. He was very enthusiastic about it with a "please do!" So I am excited to have an intentional sleepover this time.
However, I also wanted to do a beach day on Friday with my kids. Raven had also suggested a beach day, so I mentioned it to her. She said she doesn't mind hanging out with me, Duck, and the kids together.
Finch lives literally right next to the beach. I let him know I was thinking of grabbing a spot sometime after we wake up on Friday, and told him that while I'd love for him to join that he shouldn't feel pressured to meet/hang out with my children.
He said he's not ready for that yet, but would perhaps come by and say hi.
So of course now I'm spiraling about it. I feel really embarrassed and anxious. When we first started dating, he had mentioned that he didn't mind that I have kids and that he likes children (he's a tutor). I guess I projected this to mean that, when I felt comfortable enough to introduce them, that he'd likely feel comfortable too. So that was a misinterpretation on my part.
I mentioned this anxiety to Raven, and she said that it's good that he feels comfortable enough with me to express this boundary. I agree, but it still feels awkward.
And on that note, I wish I could confide more in Raven about these sort of things [she's mentioned that she's a safe space for sharing feelings (not gossip) and being vulnerable], but I'm worried that sharing feelings about one paramour with another could make things messy. I'll save it for journaling and therapy.
Anyway, ultimately the biggest issue I am struggling with with Finch is that I think I have deeper feelings for him than he does for me. Which, as mentioned in my previous post, scares me. I see a lot of compatibility issues with Finch, and this is the most glaring one to me.
Honestly, I keep thinking about ending things with him before I fall too deeply. I want to save myself from getting hurt, but I like him too much and enjoy our polycule. I don't want to ruin things for everyone else. Ugh.
Apologies for the rambling, and thanks for reading.