HELP PLEASE!!!

[wifey]

I am new to this forum, however, my husband is an active participant and I have read several posts.

I need help in understanding how poly works when you start as a couple who is married, then add a gf?

This is something that only I seem to have trouble with. My husband feels that we should all be equal. It's expected that my feelings for her should be the same as they are for him, and they just aren't. When we got married there was never an idea in my head that this is where we would end up, so I have adapted.

But now I am the bad guy for stating in a conversation we were all having that the most important thing to me is my marriage, and it always will be, and that I will do whatever I need to, to keep it intact. I do understand how that could be hurtful for our GF to hear, but I don't understand why I should be made to feel bad. I have been with this man for 9 years, we have two kids, a dog and are very happy, yet I'm wrong for wanting to preserve that.

So I need help understanding how other people make it work. I don't know if I am to even consider myself married anymore and keep wearing my wedding ring, if my husband and GF are making me feel bad for still thinking that I am married with a GF! I don't get it.

 

[polytriad]

Welcome. I hope you get the advice you seek.

 

[TruckerPete]

Hi wifey,

How long have you two and gf been together? I ask because part of your post speaks to me, and was something my Indigo and I struggled with at the outset of my relationship with Mr. A.

Consider the words equal and fair. Both are good, honorable words. However, they are not the same.

I will speak from my experience, as that is all I have. When I began dating Mr. A, I was very concerned that both men be treated equally. After all, I was determined not to fall into the trap of treating a potential boyfriend as something lesser, to be called upon when I wished and packed up in a box and put away when I was done. Turns out, I still buggered up, because I was treating this very new relationship with the same consideration I gave to my relationship with my fiancé, a solid two-year relationship.

Through some hurt feelings on Indigo's part and much reading on the forum, I discovered my error. I should have been treating Mr. A fairly, rather than equally.

While this has changed, at the time of this revelation, Mr. A had contributed nothing to our household, and really only took time (my time) away from our home. This is normal, I think, for we were very new to each other. But it was a time for me to check myself, and how I approached my treatment of Mr. A.

I hope this helps.

 

[wifey]

I think fair and equal are very important. That has not been brought up to me before. I think it is unfair that I be expected to treat both our GF and my husband as equals, when that is not the case. I do, however, agree that treating someone fairly when you cannot do equally should be totally acceptable.

The three of us have been together for about 3 1/2 months, yet I'm expected to treat her as an equal, and they both feel that way. The pressure to do that is unbelievable on me.

 

[polytriad]

I think fair and equal is very important that has not been brought up to me before. I think it is unfair that I be expected to treat both our GF and my husband as equals, when that is not the case. I do, however, agree that treating someone fairly when you cannot do equally should be totally acceptable.

The three of us have been together for about 3 1/2 months, yet I'm expected to treat her as an equal and they both feel that way. The pressure to do that is unbelievable on me.

This is profound. Wifey and Nikki have been together for close to a year. We have all been at this for years with each other.

 

[TruckerPete]

I think fair and equal is very important that has not been brought up to me before. I think it is unfair that I be expected to treat both our GF and my husband as equals when that is not the case. I do however agree that treating someone fairly when you cannot do equally should be totally acceptable.

The three of us have been together for about 3 1/2 months, yet I'm expected to treat her as an equal and they both feel that way. The pressure to do that is unbelievable on me.

Sounds like it's time for a sit-down with both parties. Is it your desire to eventually be able to treat your gf as an equal? If not, then you've got a whole other mess to work on.

If you do wish to eventually treat her equally, explain this to both of them. Give the good points, the things you like about your relationship dynamics, etc.

Then tell them what you need to get there, whether it's a slow down, including gf in a more reduced fashion, etc. (I'm hesitant to give specifics as I don't know your situation.)

Perhaps reminding (and explaining) how things progressed with hubby before you trusted him enough to share living space, finances, children, pets, and all that fun stuff will check them both a bit.

I think if everyone's got a good head on their shoulders, you can have a really positive conversation about fair vs. equal, that will help everyone be more comfortable.

If you'd like to include more details, please feel free to PM me, if you're not comfy with posting on the forum.

 

[wifey]

I think treating her as an equal will come naturally and it's not something that should be forced. Yes, I do expect that to happen, but everyone expects it now, and it's frustrating me. They are both aware that I am okay with equal treatment, but I am not there yet.

To be honest, I don't even know what "equal treatment" means. I treat her how I want to treat her. I don't think about whether or not it's equal or fair. I just love her and try to show her that. It all makes me feel like my actions aren't enough.

 

[TruckerPete]

Can either of them give examples of when your actions weren't "enough"? If you love them both and are trying to show that love, then it sounds like miscommunication, to me.

For example (I work better with examples), Indigo understands gestures better than words. So, if I really appreciate something he's done, then a hug/kiss/cuddle goes a lot further in showing this than singing his praises.

However, I am the opposite. If Indigo appreciates something I have done, I would much rather he sing my praises than give me a big show of physical affection. He's currently making tacos for dinner, so I need to go thank him in his "language" for that.

Do a search for "love language" on here, as there's a fair bit of info.

 

[wifey]

Thanks TruckerPete! I feel a little better after our postings. I hope others post as well. I'm open to what anyone has to say, good or bad.

 

[TruckerPete]

Thanks TruckerPete! I feel a little better after our postings. I hope others post as well. I'm open to what anyone has to say, good or bad.

No problem! *HUG*

 

[Jodi]

Wifey, I am a gf of a couple.

Honestly, I don't expect to be treated equally. Now, don't get me wrong, I want respect. I get that, and much love. However, I know that the couple comes first. Heck, they have 4 kids, 16 years of marriage, and I have what? 6 months of sex with them and a developing deeper friendship. No, marriage comes first. That's my opinion.

Respectful towards her, yes. But I always ask my friend permission first. For instance, I asked her if it would be ok to send him pics and dirty texts. If she said no, fine.

But it's what is comfortable in their marriage. Your relationship with her should make your marriage stronger. You will have some obstacles, I'm sure. I'm also navigating, but I'm lucky to have 2 very laid-back kind people.

Lots of luck to you.

 

[wifey]

Thanks, Jodi!

I agree that this should make our marriage stronger. And the stronger our marriage is, then our relationship with our GF will be only that much better.

But I feel so confused about the way I'm supposed to feel. I feel like I should be ashamed to be married.

 

[redpepper]

This is a good read, and could be very helpful.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1915

Try doing a search for "secondary." It could help you find some useful information and support.

I think that when polyamory is done with respect, honesty, and open communication, respecting the pace of others, considering others and encouraging progression to common goals, then all is covered.

Married or not, secondary or not, there should be a common theme for it to work in every instance, in my opinion. I know that sounds formulaic, but in my experience, it works.

The idea is to be patient and speak with respect within that. Your husband is likely not past his NRE, as it takes a good year or more most of the time, and he is likely wanting to tie the whole thing up in a nice bow. It doesn't always happen like that, but HE needs to come to that. All you can do is say "Nooooo, dear," and not take it as the end result, because it likely isn't. Say that with a big smile, and then drop it. Getting pissed about it is only going to give you heartburn, and get you nowhere, I think.

 

[NorCalK]

As the girlfriend of a couple that has been dating now 6 years, I feel that my experience may help you gain some insight on how your girlfriend may feel. As someone who has been dating them for about 4 months, I know I am not an equal part in their lives in many respects as they are to each other. However, I am exclusive with this couple. Thus, I expect to be treated FAIRLY, and be given the fair chance to someday be an equal in their relationship, if fate works out that way.

It sounds like you and your husband need to do some serious talking, but in terms of reassuring your girlfriend, being vocal about how much you love and care about her really helps. Lately I've felt like I just need my boyfriend or girlfriend (especially my boyfriend, as he is less vocal about his feelings, as a very manly man) to tell me that I am appreciated and liked and adored ROMANTICALLY.

For the girlfriend of an existing couple, it is very easy to begin feeling like just a piece of ass sometimes. Insecurities may be pushing your girlfriend to project her fears on to YOU and try to make you into the villain, when only her insecurities are the culprit in her feelings. It is so easy to feel alone and scared in polyamory. But if all partners make an effort to vocalize how much they appreciate each other on a regular basis, that's what makes it not some scary world where you lose something, but an amazing, endless opportunity for infinite love.

 

[wifey]

I will admit that I am not very vocal with her about my feelings, mainly because I am scared. I am scared to overly express how I feel and it not be returned. This is not new, though. I have continuously struggled with my husband and our gf's feelings for each other. He has been very out loud with how he feels for her, which I understand. But because of that, she has, in return, become very confident in how he feels for her, and she expresses how she feels for him, too.

I get that, as a man, he takes the lead with expression, thus allowing a woman to do the same. I have struggled with how can I get her to express to me how she feels, when I think that she needs me to express it to her before she will express it to me. I don't like that. I don't like the feeling of her not doing something unless she has a certain level of confidence that it will be a success. She doesn't take chances.

I have tried to not even look at their affection level, but it's hard when it's in my face and I'm not getting the same.

I have made efforts and I voice what I want specifically from her; it just makes it hard when I don't get the same in return.

 

[NorCalK]

You say that you are not very vocal, but you voice specifically what you need? Maybe you are not being assertive enough. Easier said than done, I know, but worth it. Sharing all this with your husband will hopefully get him to support you through your time of emotional vulnerability as well, if he can come to accept that you do not see your girlfriend as completely equal to him.

 

[Tonberry]

I think the meaning of the word "equal" might also be different from one person to the next.

For instance, I say that both Sean and Ragabash are my primaries, and that they're "equal" relationships. However they are definitely different. I've been with Raga for five years and we are married and living together. I've been with Sean five months and we live in different countries.
What I mean by that is that I treat them the same, in that I treat Sean in a similar way I would have treated Raga when our relationship was the same age. Or, rather, that eventually, I want the same relationship with Sean as I have with Raga, considering him my husband and living together.

For me, calling him my secondary is not in line with the way I feel, as I feel it means he will always come after, and is more "disposable," when that's not the way it is at all. I don't have a husband and a boyfriend on the side, I have two relationships, one of which is older than the other one. Therefore, they have different dynamics. Some things are better with more time (you know each other better, you have a history, your ties are stronger), some are better at the beginning (the NRE, discovering each other), but in the end, they're both very important to me.

I don't want to ever tell Sean, "You'll always be five years behind." Our relationship will evolve at its own pace, but I fully expect it to "catch up" and become a long-term relationship. At 5 months, it's a bit early to say. But I can already feel that it's going to last, just like I did with Raga at the beginning.

So I think maybe you think of equal as in "they're already both in the same 'category'" while they think of equal in the way I do, that eventually you'll all be just one member of a triad, and it won't be "a couple + a girlfriend".

Do talk to them about it to see how they feel. I don't think it's reasonable to expect you to go faster with the relationship than is natural for you, but I do believe it's fair to ask you if you have the same expectations as they do for the long term.

 

[Fidelia]

I will admit that I am not very vocal with her and my feelings, mainly because I am scared. I am scared to overly express how I feel and it not be returned. This is not new, though. I have continuously struggled with my husband's and our gf's feelings for each other. He has been very out loud with how he feels for her, which I understand, but because of that, she has, in return, become very confident in how he feels for her, and she expresses how she feels for him, also. I get that, being a man, he takes the lead with expression, thus allowing a woman to do the same.

I have struggled with how can I get her to express to me how she feels, when I think that she needs me to express to her before she will express to me, and I don't like that. I dont like the feeling of her not doing something unless she has a certain level of confidence that it will be a success. She doesn't take chances. I have tried to not even look at their affection level, but it's hard when it's in front of my face and I'm not getting the same. I have made efforts, and I voice what I want specifically from her, it just makes it hard when I don't get the same in return.

Hi Wifey. Welcome to the forum.

This sounds to me like you and your girlfriend really need to open up the lines of communication. You are scared to fully express yourself, and think she is afraid to, too. It can be scary to allow yourself to be vulnerable and open, but it is so worth it. But SOMEONE has to make the first move. Be the brave one, and take the plunge. You can do it!

 

[wifey]

Fidelia, you are correct. She and I do need to open our lines of communication. Someone does have to make the first move. I have tried several times to do as you have suggested.

We realized, not too long ago, that one of us would have to make that move and step up to the plate. I have done that. I will continue to step up to the plate also. But how long that will last, with me being the only one, I don't know.

I am a woman also, with feelings, and women like being pursued and flirted with and to feel special.

Tonberry, I like that, two relationships with different dynamics. I was and still am expecting things to develop at their own pace. But I guess,, if asked directly, one is more important to me than the other, at least for now. But that's how it's been for the past 9 years. For everyone else to expect me to put both relationships on a level playing field is unreasonable, I think. If they would let me come into it on my own it would be easier.

NorCalk, I mean "not very vocal" as in, I may not say or do certain things every day. However, when I do speak about something, or express how I feel, it is very loud, and does go unheard. And that goes for negative or positive. I have opened up to allow myself to be more vulnerable than ever in this relationship.

Our GF said the other day that it seems like I am fighting it the whole way. She is correct. I am fighting it. But I am fighting it in a way that is helping me break those barriers down, my own barriers. That is easier said than done. I am almost fighting against myself, because my heart and mind are speaking different languages to each other. I have this battle within myself on a daily basis. I love them both. I care deeply for them both. I'm in love with both of them. And yet, I struggle.

 

[Fidelia]

We realized, not too long ago, that one of us would have to make that move, and step up to the plate. I have done that. I will continue to step up to the plate. But how long that will last, with me being the only one, I don't know.

If you've tried repeatedly, it's up to her to respond. If she won't or can't, the three of you can't move forward. It's her move.