HELP PLEASE!!!

[polytriad]

If you've tried repeatedly, it's up to her to respond. If she won't or can't, the three of you can't move forward. It's her move.

I will agree that Wifey has stepped up to the plate, but she steps out if she doesn't get her desired pitch.

For example, Wifey wants to spend more time with our girlfriend. She will step up and say, "Girlfriend, I'd like to spend more time with you." Then she waits for Girlfriend to set up some time they can spend, instead of saying, "Girlfriend, I'd like to spend some time with you. How about Saturday evening?"

You have to step up to the plate and try to hit all pitches.

 

[NeonKaos]

I will agree that Wifey has stepped up to the plate but she steps out if she doesn't get her desired pitch.

-For example Wifey wants to spend more time with our girlfriend she will step up and say "Girlfriend...I'd like to spend more time with you" Then she waits for Girlfriend to set up some time they can spend. Instead of saying "Girlfriend I'd like to spend some time with you...how about Saturday evening?"

You have to step up to the plate and try to hit all pitches.

I'm a little curious about why you folks seem perfectly able to communicate these things to all of us on here but seem less able to do so amongst yourselves.

When is Nikki going to start posting here so we can all find out what she has to say about things?

 

[SNeacail]

I'm a little curious about why you folks seem perfectly able to communicate these things to all of us on here, but seem less able to do so amongst yourselves.

I have found that there are certain things I can communicate better in a "blog post" than I can verbally or in a direct email. Maybe it's because when I try to speak directly to the person (usually my husband), I'm afraid it will come across as accusatory or critical. And to be honest, sometimes it has come across that way. When I post on my blog, it is written down as my feelings, and I usually have time to re-read and proof what I said. It also gives others time to digest what was said, and they are not forced to respond immediately, which in my husband's case works really well, because he needs time to process.

Wifey, it does seem there is a lack of communication. Maybe it is time to look into new and different ways to communicate.

Learning to identify your needs, and taking action to get those needs met takes some getting used to. I recently recognized some things missing in my life. I haven't had any time to do anything proactive about it yet. But the need was recognized, my husband and I talked about it, and I now have a goal to work toward. This has made a big difference in my outlook on a lot of things. I know that in order to meet this need, I have to take the initiative. It will require me to step outside my comfort zone more often than I would like. But in the end, I think it will be worth it.

 

[Fidelia]

Are you wifey's husband? You seem to have inside information.

For example, Wifey wants to spend more time with our girlfriend. She will step up and say "Girlfriend, I'd like to spend more time with you." Then she waits for Girlfriend to set up some time they can spend, instead of saying, "Girlfriend, I'd like to spend some time with you. How about Saturday evening?"

That's not that uncommon, especially with women who are only accustomed to dating men, manly men in particular. For many generations, women have been enculturated to demur, to follow the man's lead in romantic situations, and to make their wishes known in such a way as to encourage men to take the initiative. Perhaps in this situation the ladies are falling into that old dynamic, even though it no longer works. It is definitely another area where more communication between all parties is needed.

You have to step up to the plate and try to hit all pitches.

That strikes me as a strong, masculine approach. It's certainly not what I was taught was appropriate behavior for ladies who are courting. Again, the possibility of old dynamics playing out when they no longer apply. I'm not saying that's necessarily what's happening. I'm just saying it's worth considering.

Oh, and it's not good baseball, either. The pitch has to be in the strike zone before a smart player will swing on it.

 

[polytriad]

Are you wifey's husband? You seem to have inside information.

Yes, I am the husband. See "Second Start." Nikki just joined yesterday. She should be posting on here soon. SlikkNikk is her tag.

That's not that uncommon, especially with women who are only accustomed to dating men, manly men in particular. For many generations, women have been enculturated to demur, to follow the man's lead in romantic situations, and to make their wishes known in such a way as to encourage men to take the initiative. Perhaps in this situation. the ladies are falling into that old dynamic, even though it no longer works. It is definitely another area where more communication between all parties is needed.

I would have to agree here. I know lots of the relationships that both Wifey and SlikkNikk have been in, they have been more sub than dom.

That strikes me as a strong, masculine approach. It's certainly not what I was taught was appropriate behavior for ladies who are courting. Again, the possibility of old dynamics playing out when they no longer apply. I'm not saying that's necessarily what's happening, I'm just saying it's worth considering.

I think a man and a woman can take the same action, and one be masculine and the other feminine.

It's not good baseball, either. The pitch has to be in the strike zone before a smart player will swing on it.

Good point... I guess I should have said you can't always wait for a fastball, and that other pitches are just as good, as long as they are in the strike zone.

 

[wifey]

Polytriad, I agree that I have waited for her to make time. But that is in the realm of trying to figure out how well she listens to things I want, and her success with making that happen. I still feel that I should be able to mention something, and have hope that all I have to do is mention it, and it will happen. I now realize that that doesn't work for her, so I just don't expect that from her anymore. If I want something, I have to be the one to make that happen for me, or else I have no one to blame but myself.

SNeacail, lack of communication is a huge thing between her and me. It is something that we struggle with. I think it is a good idea that we look at all ways to communicate, so that my need with that can be met. She is comfortable with the way communication has been with us, while I have NOT been.

I do think finding new ways to communicate will be very helpful. I guess, thinking outside the box...

 

[SlikkNikk]

The GF

Boo, you have bad baseball analogies! lol

 

[wifey]

I am very accustomed to being in a relationship with a man. However, this isn't my first time in a relationship with woman. I think I look for some of those same "manly" qualities in our GF now. I realized that thinking that isn't really getting me what I want, yet I haven't figured out how to do that when our GF is really passive. I think we have the ability to be aggressive. I just think we don't want to do it all the time. And men are aggressive.

Yet since she had been in a longer relationship with a woman before, so I have definitely looked to her, and tried to follow her examples of doing what she does for me to her. It hasn't worked that well. However, we have made some things work this far.

But I know that with more communication, things would be better.

 

[Fidelia]

See "Second Start..."

Link?

 

[polytriad]

Link?

Second Start
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2139

New Love and Passiveness
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4112

 

[Fidelia]

Thanks for the links, polytriad. I have a larger frame of reference for your situation now.

 

[eklctc]

Well, TP pretty much handled it. Speaking as a former girlfriend of a married couple, now the girlfriend of only one partner of that couple, it should be completely understandable that a level of comfort has to be developed. Your comfort level, obviously, is not on the same track as that of the other two, which is fine. Everyone moves at their own pace, and they will just have to except that.

I had a similar situation with my partners early on. I am of the belief that if you are sure of what you want, then you open yourself up and let things flow naturally. Well, my natural flow is on a faster track than either of theirs, so where I was open and willing, they were expressing some resistance.

Communication, communication, communication. I cannot express this enough. It really helped us through those periods of our relationship, and continues to allow us to explore and grow with each other.

I hope it all sorts out.

 

[polytriad]

Everyone keeps saying communication communication communication. We do communicate. The issue is that we need to have the type of communication that is inviting and resolution-based. We have communication. We just need to find the right kind that works for everyone.

 

[SNeacail]

Everyone keeps saying communication communication communication. We do communicate. The issue is that we need to have the type of communication that is inviting and resolution-based. We have communication. We just need to find the right kind that works for everyone.

Wifey has already admitted that there is a breakdown in communications. Just because one person is talking, doesn't mean anyone else is listening or understanding.

Personally, when I try and communicate, and my husband starts to get defensive, I throw up my hands and stop trying, because what's the point? He has stopped listening.

 

[Fidelia]

Everyone keeps saying communication communication communication. We do communicate.

SNeacail, lack of communication is a huge thing between her and I. It is something that we struggle with. So I think it is a good idea that we look at all ways to communicate, so that my need with that can be met, because she is comfortable with the way communication has been with us, while I have NOT been.

I do think finding new ways to communicate will be very helpful. I guess, thinking outside the box...

There you have it. There is the disconnect.

 

[NeonKaos]

Sometimes people think that communication is "successful" ONLY if it leads to the outcome THEY want.

Ever heard of the saying, "God answers all prayers; sometimes the answer is "No""?

 

[MonoVCPHG]

Sometimes people think that communication is "successful" ONLY if it leads to the outcome THEY want.

Ever heard of the saying, "God answers all prayers; sometimes the answer is "No""?

Very nicely put NK.

 

[polytriad]

Wifey has already admitted that there is a breakdown in communications. Just because one person is talking, doesn't mean anyone else is listening or understanding. Personally, when I try and communicate, and my husband starts to get defensive, I throw up my hands and stop trying, because what's the point? He has stopped listening.

I.e., "type," "quality," and the listener's ability to not only hear, but understand, without shutting down. We have had conversations that ended badly, and then had the same conversation with different tone and manner, which put the listener in a more receptive mind, which are all key elements to successful communication. This just happened to us yesterday, between Wifey and SlikkNikk.

There you have it. There is the disconnect.

She is referring to the action after the conversation, or the receptiveness of all parties during said communication. Maybe a "How to communicate successfully guide" would be useful. Also, Wifey needs communication in the "stay in touch" realm, like text throughout the day. "How are you?" type of stuff. This is also what she means regarding communication between her and SlikkNikk. SlikkNikk is not accustomed to staying in contact all day, but it is important to Wifey.

Sometimes people think that communication is "successful" ONLY if it leads to the outcome THEY want.

Ever heard of the saying, "God answers all prayers. Sometimes the answer is no"?

I would agree with this, in most cases. However, with us, it's more about having a clear understanding of what the other is trying to express, and the correct way to take it, whatever that is. Successful in the terms of communication, IMO, is about making sure your listener understands you.

 

[SNeacail]

Also Wifey needs communication in the "stay in touch" realm, like texts throughout the day, "How are you?" type of stuff. This is also what she means regarding communication between her and SlikkNikk. SlikkNikk is not accustomed to staying in contact all day, but it is important to Wifey.

Let me just say that both my husband and I suck at effective communication, at least between the two of us. We are currently in counseling, and finally (after 19 years) learning how to communicate to each other.

I also need the texts during the day, but dh usually forgets. I have found that to jump-start things, I have to make the first move and text him first, usually just, "I miss you," or "Thinking of you." That will start some back and forth between us, and the next day he might send the first text.

If it is something we need, as hard as it is, we might have to initiate it until the other person has made it a habit or gets used to idea, especially if it's not something they need in return. It can turn into a vicious circle, both parties stewing because the other hasn't done something. Until someone has the guts to make the first move, everyone is in a stalemate of hurt feelings and resentment.

 

[NeonKaos]

Communication Workshop