Is this reasonable?

whatamIdoing

whatamIdoing

New member
Most of you realize that I'm very new to this and I'm really struggling, as is my husband (B). Switching from swinging to polyamory is harder than I thought, nearly impossible for B. He swears it's person-specific, but since this is the first time I've tried this, I can't be sure. But that's background

Here's my concern. When talking to this other guy, J, on the phone the other night (for two hours :eek: ) we talked about everything,, including how B is feeling about this. (He is scared for me and very jealous). J said to me, "I don't care how B feels."

Ouch. I do. B is my husband and I love him. I pointed out that I care how B feels, and how B feels impacts on me, therefore, it might matter to J how B feels.

Do people manage to have relationships with two people who don't really want to have anything to do with the other? Sadly, they know each other. They are friends, or they were friends. I see that comfort slipping away from B, and now from J too. Both are on guard. and I'm struggling.

Thanks for reading.
 
I wouldn't be crazy about someone who says they don't care how my husband feels, and I wouldn't be too keen if my husband had someone who said they didn't care how I feel.
 
FlameKat said:
*big squeezy hugs*
I hesitate to suggest that you should let them work it out for themselves. My situation is similar, just further down the exploded friendship line. Be gentle with them
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Oh thanks. I love hugs.

I am going to let them work it out. The issue is that, given the natural turn of events, they will only have to deal with each other face to face twice a year, once for a weekend, and once for a week. That week is what scares me and has me having nightmares of them hashing out custody of me at night.

Of course, J was just supposed to be NSA sex for me, and now he's talking about coming down here for weekends for gaming. Ouch... that's on B's turf during his time. Normally it would not be an issue, as all are welcome for our gaming events, but this made the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

J talked like it was NSA sex and nothing involved until we started emailing, and then the phone call cemented that he sees this as a long-term thing, where we will be part of each other's lives, but to a minimal extent. Sadly, that would impact on B, who does not want to even see J at this point.

My head hurts. I feel like the stress on B may not be worth it.
 
YIKES!!! Not cool of J to say that he doesn't care about B's feelings. I'm in a triad and I don't have much experience with a V relationship, but I'm pretty sure that feelings like those aren't going to make for a healthy relationship, for anyone.

You were right on the money to put J in his place, but was that enough? Does J think that eventually you'll leave B to be with him? Unfortunately, when someone makes a statement like, "I don't care..." that leads me to believe that maybe they're not really poly at all. I don't know enough about them to really say that. It's just an observation.

Keep talking to both of them about what's going on. The fact is that it affects everyone, and everyone needs to be in the loop, regardless of whether they want to hear about it or not. This is brand new, and like any new relationship, needs a lot of attention at the start.

Good luck!
 
Definitely keep up the communication, along with what you expect/want from both of them. Keep your own lines clear.

Not cool of J to be encroaching on B's time. In fact, I'd say it sounds like J is trying to muscle in a bit there. Of course, if it's cool with you, you should negotiate with B about it, but not see J on those weekends, unless it is already cool with B.

Such messy things relationships are. :D lol
 
Danny40179 said:
YIKES!!! Not cool of J to say that he doesn't care about Bs feelings. I'm in a triad and I don't have much experience with a V relationship, but I'm pretty sure that feelings like those aren't going to make for a healthy relationship.

You were right on the money to put J in his place, but was that enough? Does J think that eventually you'll leave B to be with him? Unfortunately when someone makes a statement like "I don't care..." that leads me to believe that maybe they're not really poly at all.

Everyone needs to be in the loop, regardless of whether they want to hear about it or not. This is brand new and like any new relationship needs a lot of attention at the start.
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B thinks that J will want me to leave B eventually. I never see J as that type of relationship. J has too many issues to be more than a pleasant and fun diversion from real life. That's what J said in the beginning, that it was just NSA sex. So I had no concerns that would be an issue. But sometimes in passing J will say things that set my flags waving. In one breath he will say something along the lines of, "It's just fun and games" and in the next breath he's giving me reasons, not related to the fact that I'm happily married, why we could never be serious (distance was raised).

I don't need reasons why we will never be a primary couple. I can see my dalliance with him being long term and semi regularly (maybe monthly or bi-monthly visits, but not more regular than that), but after he said he didn't care how B felt, I got a niggling thought that maybe just maybe B's radar was right, and deep down inside, J thinks that this might just might be something else. UGH... first time I've put that in writing. Off to have a panic attack!
 
Deep breaths!!! One thing that I always remembered when trying to find someone for my wife and me was that my marriage always came first. Even if it was someone that was more for me, she still had to be comfy with that person. I gotta be honest, I would have nixed a person who said they didn't care about how my wife felt. That just wasn't an option for me.

I know you're caught up in a lot of NRE, even if things are purely NSA, and it's tough to give that up so you can make hubby feel better. But it may be something that you need to do now so you can proceed with this lifestyle down the road. Know what I mean?
 
whatamIdoing said:
When talking to J on the phone the other night, we talked about everything, including how B is feeling about this. He is scared for me and he is very jealous. J said to me, "I don't care how B feels." I pointed out that how B feels impacts on me, therefore it might matter to J how B feels.
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I was just talking to my girlfriend about this recently, actually. For me, it is very important to have the two sides be cordial. A complete non-concern for the other's feelings is a massive red flag for me.

Do people manage to have relationships with two people who don't really want to have anything to do with the other? They were friends. I see that comfort slipping away from B, and now from J too. Both are on guard, and I'm struggling.
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I know of one that is "managing." So it is possible. It's not how I could conduct a relationship, but some people can do it. If they want no contact, then you, as the hinge, need to conduct each relationship with 0 overlap, and as separate individual relationships. It's more like 2 monogamous relationships instead of a working/functioning V.
 
Ariakas said:
I know of one that is "managing". So it is possible. Its not how I could conduct a relationship, but some people can do it. If they want no contact then you need to, at the hinge, to conduct each relationship with 0 overlap and as separate individual relationships. Its more like 2 monogamous relationships instead of a working/functioning V.
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That's what I'm thinking... but one where each has to hear what's going on in/with the other.... NEITHER can pretend I'm all theirs and theirs alone...
 
Honestly, there are to many variables to really be able to give you a concrete opinion on.

Like Ariakas said,.. someone who has complete disregard for the others feelings, is a massive red flag. Sometime`s that flag is born of jealousy. Sometimes its born of a good intuition. Either way, its a flag that needs paid attention too.

I have a ex-bf that my husband despises. To this day, he wants nothing to do with that person, and would happily never hear of him again. There was no way that relationship was ever going to fly. Rightly so.

Yet my husband and Ariakas get along really well. There is mutual respect, and friendship growing.

It boils down to circumstance, or it being person specific...as you already know.
Unfortunately there is no easy how-to booklet. You have to disect things and find out for yourself.
 
Superjast said:
Honestly, there are to many variables to really be able to give you a concrete opinion on.

Like Ariakas said,.. someone who has complete disregard for the others feelings, is a massive red flag. Sometime`s that flag is born of jealousy. Sometimes its born of a good intuition. Either way, its a flag that needs paid attention too.

I have a ex-bf that my husband despises. To this day, he wants nothing to do with that person, and would happily never hear of him again. There was no way that relationship was ever going to fly. Rightly so.

Yet my husband and Ariakas get along really well. There is mutual respect, and friendship growing.

It boils down to circumstance, or it being person specific...as you already know.
Unfortunately there is no easy how-to booklet. You have to disect things and find out for yourself.
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I wish there was a how-to booklet that would help..

I can see if B continues to feel this way about J that I will have to end it with J... but I'm hoping they can come to at least an uneasy peace...
 
It seems to me that you need to be very clear about what you want. When people are able to yank us around, it's usually because we have some uncertainty or doubts about something. If you want it to be NSA with J., then say so directly. If you don't want anything or anyone taking away from your time with B., stand your ground. If you are wondering what the hell J. means when he says stuff, ask him. If you want your men to try and make an effort at civility toward each other, let them know. Be the one who is strong and certain. Things can change later, but figure out what you want and take a stance now. Think of other areas in your life where you have an easier time being a strong woman, and know that you can be that strong in this situation. As long as either of them see you as wishy-washy, you will continue to get yanked around and stressed out.
 
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Sounds like a bit of a rough start and that each man is trying to man up the other. *yawn* :D ;) That gets totally old for me pretty quick.

If I were you I would first of all be expressing my need for all of you to get together and talk it all out face to face. It doesn't have to be now, but at some point. If I were you I would be letting them both know that this is not an option for you. Its expected at the start of a poly relationship. You might not get your expectation filled right away, but when they see that it really is important.... Sorry, I'm a stickler for that one. Its just not good poly ethics to me under your circumstances to not have metamours meet.

Often the competitive stuff stops when someone is right in front of you. The two of them can work on their relationship in terms of setting some boundaries about your time with each of them, what each other says in terms of what is passed on and checking their words before saying them.

The other thing is that YOU get to say who you sleep with on that week. Its not their choice. You are not a pawn. The only thing they get to do us to let you know if you are not spending enough time with them and they feel left out, so that you can discuss with the other and adjust your time schedule. Really, to me a large part of how poly works is to be considerate of each other. Especially metamours.

I am wondering how much reading you have done beyond your thread. A lot of all this has been written on and could be useful. I suggest doing a search in the tags for "metamour" and anything else that you think could be relevant. Maybe it would help. "poly lessons learned" is a good thread in the stickies that might help also.
 
It sounds, ultimately, like J trespassed on one of your boundaries. He might have meant he really didn't care about B's feelings, or he could have meant something different, like maybe whatever was being discussed was so important that to him, it superseded B's feelings. Whatever the case, the words bothered you. It sounds like maybe some other things are bothering you too. You are in a position to check J if he runs up against your boundaries. Don't hesitate to do it. Otherwise, the relationship will be too stressful to make it worthwhile.
 
redpepper said:
Sounds like a bit of a rough start and that each man is trying to man up the other. *yawn* :D ;) That gets totally old for me pretty quick.
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yeah I liken it to a dog trying to piss higher on the tree than the other dogs

redpepper said:
If I were you I would first of all be expressing my need for all of you to get together and talk it all out face to face.
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I have asked B to do that. He's not comfortable at this point seeing J at all. We did talk the first night this came up and after that B said he was uncomfortable about J.


redpepper said:
It doesn't have to be now, but at some point. If I were you I would be letting them both know that this is not an option for you. Its expected at the start of a poly relationship. You might not get your expectation filled right away, but when they see that it really is important.... Sorry, I'm a stickler for that one. Its just not good poly ethics to me under your circumstances to not have metamours meet.
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Yeah I know... it's so so early in this relationship for us. We are still hashing out what it's morphing into. I guess part of the problem is that I don't know what I want yet... it's so new to all of us... being POLY was NEVER on the table for us till J came along and captured my attention.. Of course now that I've read more and more I see that our relationships with our swinger friends is bordering on poly relationships....

redpepper said:
Often the competitive stuff stops when someone is right in front of you. The two of them can work on their relationship in terms of setting some boundaries about your time with each of them, what each other says in terms of what is passed on and checking their words before saying them.
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Yep I think that would help B's jealousy and fear. Problem is that J is NOT local to us and getting them to agree to meet is an issue. I do not want to push B outside his comfort level. He is after all the partner being presented with this idea and I do need to tread lightly.


redpepper said:
The other thing is that YOU get to say who you sleep with on that week. Its not their choice. You are not a pawn. The only thing they get to do us to let you know if you are not spending enough time with them and they feel left out, so that you can discuss with the other and adjust your time schedule. Really, to me a large part of how poly works is to be considerate of each other. Especially metamours.
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Yes I can see that. B is much more needy than J so I can see him needing me more than J and that works out just fine in day to day living as I'm with B and we are 2 hours away from J

redpepper said:
I am wondering how much reading you have done beyond your thread. A lot of all this has been written on and could be useful. I suggest doing a search in the tags for "metamour" and anything else that you think could be relevant. Maybe it would help. "poly lessons learned" is a good thread in the stickies that might help also.
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Thanks, I have been reading. I have severe ADHD so I have to read in small doses and I have to read it over and over again. I'm also in the process of getting some books... However I do want to thank everyone for their input as it helps me tremendously, especially you Redpepper!
 
Jade said:
It sounds, ultimately, like J trespassed on one of your boundaries. He might have meant he really didn't care about B's feelings, or he could have meant something different, like maybe whatever was being discussed was so important that to him, it superseded B's feelings. Whatever the case, the words bothered you. It sounds like maybe some other things are bothering you too. You are in a position to check J if he runs up against your boundaries. Don't hesitate to do it. Otherwise, the relationship will be too stressful to make it worthwhile.
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Interesting. I guess I need to clearly define my boundaries. I am more of a wing it kind of girl...

I think I OVER reacted to what J said and I think that J is trying to deal with this whole thing.. he has very few prior relationships, He knew I was married but I don't think he's ever given thought to a relationship with a married woman much less a Poly one...

oh hell I don't know what I"m doing at this point.... I think that the way I work things out in my brain is to write them down and get input... it's working and I thank you.

off for more reading.
 
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