My partner became intimate with another in a way that hurts my feelings (threesome)

[Imagination]

This is a continuation of "How to turn a monogamous relationship into a poly relationship or friendship." I started a new thread to focus more on the present situation.

I have a partner, Claudia. We've been together for a year and a half now. She is in her mid-twenties. I'm in my late thirties.

We've had a few threesomes with our friend Jan, without involving sex. I felt, everyone felt, very good about it.

But I'm quite upset now, because Claudia, Jan and I met another time and Jan and Claudia had sex for the first time. I even encouraged them to do this. What bothered me was that I felt left out. I didn't really feel turned on in any way.

Lately (the past one-two weeks) Claudia has not been very interested in me sexually. Now she left for a few days to her flat, and we still didn't sleep with each other.

Our sex life used to be many times really fulfilling, sometimes not so great, very much depending on how the two of us felt.

Claudia and Jan say that their relationship is a friendship, with a sexual part, as well.

What happened during the past weeks:

Maybe I didn't care very much about myself. Claudia was recently not very happy at all about me mentioning that I would like to get involved with other women (despite our threesomes). Well, first she said maybe. But I really don't know how I would feel if there was another woman with the two of us. I guess then I insisted too much that I wanted to have the right to get involved with any women I liked (which was stupid) and then she blocked off. The last I said was that I would at least inform her before I did anything. She keeps saying that it was Jan and my idea to get intimate with her (which is true) and that she is not sure about it at all. Yet she certainly enjoys it.

Another problem for me is that it is not so easy to find another women who feels attracted to me.

Only once in a club (I was there on my own) about two weeks ago, I got talk to a woman I felt attracted to. She asked me after we had talked about ten minutes if I would come with her. Then I told her I had something else to do (because of Claudia) and that I would like to see her sometime again, but we didn't exchange numbers.

What happened the night before our threesome + what happened to Jan in the past days:

Yesterday (before we had our 3-person rendezvous) I went to a party with Claudia, and it was really good, especially for Claudia, who didn't go out for a very long time due to her paranoia. This time it worked and she really enjoyed it. There was Jan also, and his ex-girlfriend Stephanie. He lost her a few days ago, because they had a threesome (him, her and one of his best friends, Patrick). Then, comparable to my situation above, she had a lot of fun with Patrick only. But she left him, because she said, she liked Patrick more. This was very hard for Jan, even though Patrick and Stephanie don't go out with each other. (They all were at the party). So for sure his liaison with Claudia made Jan feel much better, and Claudia, too. It was great to see her having fun at the party and having caring people around her and, more or less, seeing, hearing, enjoying having sex with a friend.

What happened after our last threesome:

After Jan left, I noticed that a shift had happened between Claudia and me. A lot of tension seems to have vanished and now it was more the other way around than usually. I felt sad and kind of angry. She caressed me and tried to support me. Only to have sex she didn't really want to.

Now I feel like I don't want to be intimate at all, and I would like to come to terms with myself and with what happened. Yet I'm happy that Claudia became more relaxed and more confident about herself, and that she talked of going out again, or going for a weekend trip.

What now?

It would be nice if someone who had similar experiences maybe could dissolve all this emotional chaos for me a bit. I guess I should be patient now. I feel better now already. Reflecting on everything while writing it down is a good thing, as well. I mean, if there would be the chance to start something like a love affair with a friend, maybe I might do it right away. But no one knows if this will happen.

I forgot to say, I suggested to Jan and Claudia that they meet each other without me, when they want to have this kind of engagement.

I feel kind of sad and empty now, but I feel that I will learn from all of this.

 

[Imagination]

I feel better already, just to socialize with some friends and people I know, without even talking about it, helped. This whole story is ridiculous.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

This whole story is ridiculous.

Nothing about this is ridiculous. It reflected something that was very real to you and I think you discovered something important and beneficial to you.

"I feel better already. Reflecting on everything while writing it down is a good thing."

Thanks for sharing that process.

 

[Imagination]

My partner said that she couldn't have imagined doing something like this and that she learned a lot from it. Entering a new area can, of course, cause some trouble, and sometimes communication goes the wrong way. I'm confident we will both grow from this process of new answers and questions. I feel this brings challenges and dynamics to our relationship.

 

[redpepper]

Sex can be tricky and really can move people beyond the energy that was there before it. I am forever changed when I have sex with people, which is why I don't have sex unless I am certain that it is the right choice and in knowing that things will likely change afterwards for me. Sure enough, they always do, at least so far, in my life, and I haven't known that to look like it will budge from that. You never know.

Time, my friend. Give it some time to settle in and see how the dynamic changes. It might be temporary, or it might be the end of your triad, and turn into a V, or end entirely. You never know. All one can do is wait and take each step as it comes. Keep talking, too.

 

[Imagination]

This. Making love changes everything. I've noticed that from time to time, too, but forgot to think about it. I wonder why making love changes a relationship so much?

Even the vibrations between Claudia and me, and Jan and me have changed in a strange way. It's hard to explain. One could say we became more sensitive with each other. I feel touched by it, hurt in a way that opens up my mind. Somehow I might have been moved out of a stable but static state of mind. Yesterday was a particularly creative day for me.

 

[Imagination]

Why can't they meet without me?

The situation improves. Claudia is visiting me right now.

But I don't understand why Claudia and Jan want to meet only when I'm there, too. They can't give me an answer. I mean, it is great to be together as three once in a while, but why do they want to be with me each time? Maybe they don't want to get too close, don't want to hurt me? As far as I understand (yet I see it may be more), the sexual experience is kind of a centre point, especially for Jan, of their friendship.

I don't understand why they refuse to have that experience without me. I would be perfectly all right to do something different I enjoy instead.

 

[Kkaaww]

Same

I have been with my wife for a long time, 12 years. We began trying to find a girl for us both about 2 years ago.

About a year ago, we had a young girl move in with us. It has been a disaster. The new GF has tried to turn everything into a competition. Who gets laid first, and when, who controls the remote, where we eat. It all started with the sex and went downhill from there. I realize that I'm not being as detailed as you were. but I thought I would share and let you know that you are not alone in the fact that this is VERY COMPLICATED.