Losing the battles so I can win the war

[NeonKaos]

I could easily be Mono with B... but he opened this can of worms and let me explore and now he wants to snap the lid shut and hell yeah I'm MAD.

One good relationship is better than many crappy relationships.

 

[Breathesgirl]

Have you shown B what you have written here, the good and the bad? Let him read it, know where your head and heart are at.

Sometimes we can tell them, preach at them, that we aren't going anywhere. We will still be here when they get home from a date (or us come home from a date), and they absolutely will not see the truth of it until it is proven over and over again.

Sometimes they just need to be told in a totally different way than what we've been using to tell them these things.

You've proven to him, at least in my eyes, that you will come home after a date, that things can be even hotter between the two of you because of this relationship with J.

This may not be a winnable war, unfortunately. I think you already know in your heart of hearts what your decision will be in this.

Unless you want to see B continually in pain, you need to make that decision and stick with it.

Many hugs.

 

[whatamIdoing]

One good relationship is better than many crappy relationships.

True. Very true. And the thing is, while I could easily be poly, I could just as easily be mono. I am flexible to a fault.

 

[whatamIdoing]

Have you shown your hubby what you have written here?

No, he is not great at reading. I told him about this place, but he's just currently shutting down on me.

Let him read it, know where your head and heart are at.

I have told him, but I will ask him if he wants to read it. If he says yes, I will show him. I love B so much. It kills me that I want (and maybe NEED) to do something that is hurting him so badly.

Sometimes we can tell them, preach at them, that we aren't going anywhere. We will still be here when they get home from a date (or us come home from a date) and they absolutely will not see the truth of it until it is proven over and over again.

That's really what I want from Bm the chance to prove it over and over. Sadly, my dates with J are long, because we are 2 hours apart. So if I get tired I will stay. But I will always come home to B. That's a given.

Sometimes they just need to be told in a totally different way than what we've been using to tell them these things.

I have this weird thought that I would like J to tell him these things too, but I don't think that will help.

You've proven to him, at least in my eyes, that you will come home after a date, that things can be even HOTTER between the two of you BECAUSE OF this relationship with J.

I would think so too, but clearly not yet

This may not be a winnable war, unfortunately . I think you already know in your heart of hearts what your decision will be in this.

I know, and it makes me so fucking sad. I want to cry at the lost chance to play this out with J. It's not permanent with J, but it could be such fun for me. I know my choice is easy. It's not even something I have to think about. B comes first. But I will be mad and I will be angry and I will cry, and that still will hurt B. He wants me to just walk away from J and NOT CARE about him, and I can't. While I don't LOVE J, I do LIKE him a lot, and I care about him, and I worry about him.

But I will walk away if B needs me to, and eventually get over the hurt. I would have to probably not go to the gaming cons any more. I could not risk seeing J.

Unless you want to see B continually in pain you need to make that decision and stick with it.

I can tell you that, knowing B, this is far from over.
If I tell him I will end it with J, he will be upset with me.
IF I tell him I will not end it with J, he will be sad and hurt.
I can't win.

Maybe I just need to tell him nothing for a while, and let things keep on rolling. J and I have no plans to meet again till January 8th and that's for the day I already told him I could not spend the night.

 

[Fidelia]

Maybe the three of you should take a breather. Choose to table these discussions for a few days, to give B a chance to regain his equilibrium some, and give everyone a chance to get a breath.

 

[whatamIdoing]

Maybe the three of you should take a breather. Choose to table these discussions for a few days...

deep sigh... I just came from seeing B at lunch. IT DID NOT GO WELL!

I told him I would end it with J, and I meant it. He told me that he can't ask me to do that, because he wants to still be in the lifestyle (swinging) because he likes watching me, and what kills him is that J does not like that, and wants me alone.

So I told him, "Fine. We can be in the lifestyle and I'll end it with J. But I would like to still go see him on the 8th to end it face to face. He deserves that."

We were screaming at each other.

He said he would go stay at his mothers till I was over J. He said I should go sleep with him and get it done.

I told him, "I could be friends with J without sex." He said, "But you WANT it, and that's the difference. I don't WANT sex with my women friends." (Paraphrased, but that's the gist of it.) So I told him I would end the entire friendship with J, and he will not let me. He says if I don't do this thing with J that is killing him, he will leave me.

The man needs therapy. I can't fix him. And I don't dare talk to J about any of this, at this point, because by the time we get home B will have changed his mind yet again.

 

[whatamIdoing]

The other thing I need to add is that B has many women friends that he talks to emails, IMs and texts with DAILY, and he thinks that's ok, since while they want to have sex with him, he doesn't want to have sex with them, and he does not want to give those friendships up.

But I can't be friends with J, because I want to sleep with him, even though I said I would not.

 

[NeonKaos]

The man needs therapy. I can't fix him.

This x 1000.

He needs someone who is not IN his life to put this into perspective. It does not have to be like this. He is doing nobody any favors by jerking you back and forth:

"Yes I want to be in the swinging lifestyle / No I don't want to be in the swinging lifestyle"

"Yes I want to get spontaneous blowjobs from my female friends / No I don't want to have sex with my female friends"

"Yes I want you to be yourself and have other relationships / No I can't handle sharing your attention with another man"

Etc. Etc.




This is starting to wear thin on me, so I can only imagine what it must be like for you. There are trained professionals who get paid GOOD MONEY to make this bullshit their life's work.

 

[whatamIdoing]

the other thing i need to add is that B has many women friends that he talks to emails, IMs and texts with DAILY, and he thinks that's ok since while they want to have sex with him, he doesn't want to have sex with them, and he does not want to give those friendships up.

But I can't be friends with J because I want to sleep with him, even though I said I would not.

Yes, I am quoting myself, because, as I expected, I just got a text from B.

"Don't end it with J. I won't forgive myself if I take your fun away."

I really need a head-banging smiley.

 

[IndieSolo]

I really need a head banging smiley.

Here ya go!

But that looks like it hurts, so my wish for you is that it turns to this:

 

[whatamIdoing]

Here ya go!

But that looks like it hurts, so my wish for you is that it turns to this:

Thanks, NYCindie!

It just goes from bad to worse to almost comical.

I had to text J and warn him that B is on an insane texting warpath, threatening, and I quote: “He wins, I lose, no hard feelings, and I hope he can make you happier than I ever did,” and not to engage with him.

I can't win here. I am going to have end the relationship with J, more because it's not fair to him to have this insanity in his face too. It's bad enough I have to deal with it. I never ever would have done this if B had been honest with me back in November. This is so hard. I don't want to end it with J.

 

[Ariakas]

I would highly recommend you toss your phone in the garbage and stop texting important information. Intonation, concern and sarcasm get badly lost in text. I try to make it a point to never have important discussions over text.

I never would have done this if B had been honest with me back in November.

Some people just don't know until they are in it. Fact of life. Sometimes we end up in situations we may have "wanted" but then couldn't in fact work with. Ideally, everyone is adult enough to figure it out. Pull up your big person pants and move on to fix it or end it.

B loves you. He probably really wanted to try, and will keep fluctuating. Polyamory isn't easy. It takes work. If one person in the grouping ends up giving up, then things fall apart. As long as everyone is invested and is willing to put in the work or have patience, things can work out in the end.

 

[whatamIdoing]

I would highly recommend you toss your phone in the garbage and stop texting important information. Intonation, concern and sarcasm get badly lost in text.

Thankfully J is not a texter. B, I know him. This is word for word what he would say to me face to face. B is being insane. He's overreacting and he's acting badly. I am totally embarrassed by his behavior. When it's just the two of us and he's an idiot I'm ok, but to bring J into this is not fair to J.

Quote:

I never ever would have done this if B had been honest with me back in November.

Some people just don't know until they are in it, fact of life. Sometimes we end up in situations we may have "wanted" but then couldn't in fact work with. Ideally everyone is adult enough to figure it out. Pull up the pants and move on to fix, or end it.

I know. I get that. I know he wanted to let me. He still wants to let me. If he could give me an action to take that he would accept that would make him happy I would do it. But nothing I have offered is acceptable to him. NOTHING.

I offered to end it totally with J. NO GO.
I offered to just be friends with J. NO GO.

The only thing that B keeps saying is I should go and be with J because that will make me happy. He can't seem to deal with what we need to do to make him happy. if he insists on my being with J, then I will do it. If I can't win with B, I might as well be with J.

B loves you. He probably really wanted to try, and will keep fluctuating. Poly isn't easy, it takes work. If one person in the grouping ends up giving up, then things fall apart. As long as everyone is invested and is willing to put in the work or have patience. Things can work out in the end.

I keep trying to tell him, "Let's not talk about it now." He won't stop.

I felt bad having to warn J, but what else could I do?

 

[SNeacail]

The only thing that B keeps saying is I should go and be with J, because that will make me happy.

When my husband starts making irrational statements, plans and/or accusations, I ask him for details on how he is going to carry out said plan, and it tends to bring him back to reality. My first question would be: why he is trying so hard to get you to leave?

It does sound like he might need to be evaluated for depression, and a good marriage counselor would be very useful, as well.

 

[whatamIdoing]

When my husband starts making irrational statements, plans and/or accusations I ask him for details on how he is going to carry out said plan and it tends to bring him back to reality. My first question would be why he is trying so hard to get you to leave?

It does sound like he might need to be evaluated for depression and a good marriage councelor would be very useful as well.

He is already on Wellbutrin for depression. As for marriage counseling, he won't go to counseling, marriage or otherwise.

I am not sure why he wants me to leave him. He is my third husband. I am done with ever getting married again. If he wants to leave, he can. I will help him pack. I'm tired of this with him.

To be honest, it's MY house. I support us. He's never leaving me. He'd have to move back in with his parents, which is where he was.

I so love B. I do. For so many reasons. But this insanity has to stop.

If he can't deal with my having a relationship with J, then he should be ok with my offering to end it, right? But he's not!

 

[SNeacail]

He is already on Wellbutrin for depression. He won't go to counseling.

Then I seriously wouldn't rule out some kind of chemical interaction that is fueling his irrationality.

If he can't deal with my having a relationship with J, then he should be ok with my offering to end it, right? But he's not!

That is rational thinking, but he is not in a place to even process logic right now.

When I started asking my husband for exact details (his plans, what he would do to make it happen, etc.) of a situation he was insisting on, he froze and started to realize what he had really been accusing me of. He hadn't been thinking beyond his own pain and was lashing out.

 

[IndieSolo]

He is already on Wellbutrin for depression. He won't go to counseling.

Ecch, I hated Wellbutrin. After a while, it lost its effectiveness. This is common, I have read.

Perhaps he should try a different antidepressant, or have an adjustment in dosage. My cousin tried about six different meds before she found one that worked for her. I am on Prozac now, and my shrink wanted to change meds, but I expressed concern about weight gain, so he decided to up the dosage of Prozac since I've still been able to lose weight with it. (I'm in a weight loss program and have a goal to reach). Anyway, I monitor how I'm feeling, and if the higher dosage doesn't do it, then I will change meds. It's important to do that. I know a few people who have been happy with Celexa.

 

[Fidelia]

It's time to talk to his health care provider, psychologist, or whoever is prescribing his medication. It is possible his over-the-top behavior is a bad reaction to meds, or that the meds are making a bad situation worse. And the bariatric surgery (and the changes that come with that) may also be playing a role. Time to talk to the professionals, for his safety and well-being.

And as for counseling: you don't have to wait for him to agree to go. Go without him; it will be good for you. And he may follow your lead, especially if he sees it's working.

 

[whatamIdoing]

Thanks, everyone. I appreciate it.

I've had years of therapy and I know what's going on with me. B has always had this reaction to things. Nothing new about how he's reacting, just what he's reacting to.

It looks as if we won't be doing polyamory, ever. He can't deal. It also looks as if we are leaving "the lifestyle" too, at least for now. Truth be told, I don't mind leaving "the lifestyle," but I'm truly sad that he's afraid to try polyamory. I don't dare approach it, as he can be mono, but I need to be poly. He can't deal with that.

Last night his behavior was so bad, so manipulative, so over the top, that when he asked if I loved him, I really wanted to say no. He cannot deal with the thought of my sleeping with J. He has said he no longer feels the desire to be with other women, either. But he's ok with us having close friends of the opposite sex.

I'm ok with that. I'm not sure how J will feel about it, since the original premise of our relationship was NSA sex, but it morphed into something else. J considers me a sounding board and a friend and a confidant. J has said he's willing to wait for sex. He may have to wait a long long time now. Since neither J or lying are acceptable, we won't do anything we have to lie about, as much as I would like to.

I realize I do not want to give up my friendship with J, and thankfully, B is OK with that. The problem for me is I don't dare explain to him that the friendship is more of a threat to B than the sex is. I guess since I have permission to be friends, it's not emotional cheating. But yet it is.

I brought this on myself. I did. I needed to keep things to myself and let it play out. Lesson learned. I share everything with everyone. I wear my heart on my sleeve in neon for all the world to see, including B, and he's hurting because of it.

He told me that he had a dream last night that he walked in on J and me having sex at our yearly convention, and we turned and looked at him and laughed, and said, "Ha! We've been doing this since the day we met." I have no clue if it's true, but even if it's not, he's thinking that. And it's not true. J and I have not shared so much as a kiss. Well, not a deep kiss.

I appreciate that B is going to try to move forward in learning to trust me and let me spend time with J, which will still involve my going up to see him, and perhaps staying overnight. Thankfully, B trusts me enough to know a promise is a promise, and I won't break that promise. So while I can see J and be friends (and being friends includes cuddle buddies-- for some weird reason THAT is ok), I can't fully love or commit to J as more than a friend, and not even a friend with benefits.

 

[NeonKaos]

I am sorry that you are having this dilemma; however, I am glad you didn't leave the forum like you thought about doing after you posted your first thread.

So I'm not sure if I understand correctly - did the three of you have this discussion face-to-face, or not?