Long distance and polyamory?

kala83

kala83

New member
I find myself in quite a challenging spot in my life. I have meet an amazing boy and an amazing girl, that I have known for almost a month, now that I've been dating. The main issue is that I am moving away to St. Louis in only a few months, due to school, and will be gone for 18 months. I feel incredibly guilty over this, because I had to real intention of seeking out a relationship, which I know sounds very, very cheesy, because no really goes and does that with any relationships.

I have been in my fair share of long-distance relationships before, and it's very hard on relationships to have distance between you. I have just been emotionally kind of beating myself up for putting this lovely relationship into a stressed situation.

With all that being said, the boy and the girl and I have talked multiple times about me finding ways to come back up and visit them on weekends (not all, of course, but a few, if I can manage). The boy has family in the St. Louis area. He is more then happy to try and look at the idea of coming up and spending nights over at the place with me.

Somehow, in the pit of my stomach, through all this stress, I do think there is a way I can get through all of this and make it work. Like I just said, I know from my past experience that it's not an easy road to take. I have a good amount of friends in the St. Louis area that I am sure can be more than helpful with being there for me as emotional support.

I do worry a little bit that I might meet someone while in St. Louis doing school and begin dating them. I know for certain that if I do date anyone, I want to be upfront with them from the start that I am in a poly relationship, and I don't plan on ditching my bf or gf any time soon. And even with all, that I do think I could be able to work at it, if it came up.

My gf and bf both know I am open to the idea of dating, and maybe trying to find a second bf, if the fates allow.

The most important thing I need to bear in mind is communication. I need to make sure I have that with them and with anyone else. And the power of positive thinking is a helpful tool also. So yes, as lame as it sounds, I am just tying to think positively.

Mostly I just wanted to rant, because even though I am close with my family, and some of them do know about me having a gf and bf, it's not something that the family really enjoys bringing up around me, and I kind of just gave up on the idea of discussing personal life stuff with family to avoid complications in general for a while now. So here is really the only place I have to truly vent and connect with others.
 
Did you want responses to your post? I am unclear, as you have a question mark after your thread title. If you want me to move this elsewhere so you might get responses I can do that for you. Otherwise, it's fine where it is.
 
I don't think I wanted any questions answered, more that I just wanted to get some positive feedback to help with my mood on this, since I am unsure how to feel. lol So... yeah. Maybe it should be somewhere else. Sorry about that. I am still new to the forums and I am not sure where everything goes. Really, I just wanted to share my experience that is going on right now, and get a lil bit of friendly support from others, or see if anyone had gone through anything similar. But I did not aim to confuse, and apologize if I did.
 
Long distance for 18 months? That's like running backwards for 18 months. A few months can be achieved when you've only known them a short time, but 18 months is too long. Even if you tell them you'll try, the only way it's going to end is with you miserable or seeing other people then neglecting them.

Most people don't want to give up what they've got until they've got something better, so it's not like you wouldn't have company in that club.
 
The one thing about the situation that does make me feel hopeful is that they both seem to not really want to lose the relationship, much like me, so I do feel like they are willing to work at it. I know that all of us are willing to work at visiting each other so that we can spend time together. And it is only two hours away from where I live now. So, it's not like it would be impossible. Like I said, even if the odds are stacked against me, I am going to be the type of person that thinks positively about all this. I am going to hold onto this, even when it gets hard. That's just the way my personality is. If what I feel for them really is right, then it will work out. And I think that's worth fighting for, in the long run.
 
It takes hard work and a willingness to be open to various types of communication. You don't have physical touch, so everything else is really important. Ideally, everyone knows what everyone needs out of it, and there is a willingness to try. It's even more important that all sides are invested in the relationship. Otherwise you can end up disconnected. Without that physical ability to reconnect, it can start to spiral.

LDRs aren't impossible, but they do require some alternate thinking when it comes to how relationships evolve. :) It sounds like you have the right attitude. Best of luck.
 
My husband went to OSUT (Army training) at Fort Knox, KY two months after we started dating officially. I saw him for one weekend halfway though training, and then again for 10 days while he was home on leave before being stationed at Fort Riley, KS. We did the long-distance thing for two years before I joined him at Fort Riley, seeing each other once every 11 months for 10-14 days. It was tough, but there were tons of letters, e-mails, cards, care packages, and phone calls (I lost quite a few paychecks to paying my parents back for using the phone all night). Communication is key, as is making every minute that you are able to be together count. I wish you a lot of luck.
 
Communication is something I have never really lacked, as far as with the people I am involved with. I have even done pen-pal type stuff before. So if need be, I can actually sit down and write a letter, as well.
 
Am I the only one who, after having done an LDR for 9+ months, gets a shiver down the spine if the thought I have to do it again comes up?

I can understand how some people that love their space can love LDRs. It's like having a relationship you can put on hold. But personally, I'd rather be put in a coma for six months than do a six-month LDR.
 
preciselove said:
Am I the only one after having done LDR for 9+ months that gets a shiver down the spine if the thought I have to do it again comes up?

I can understand how some people that love their space can love LDRs. It's like having a relationship you can put on hold. But personally I'd rather be put in a coma for six months than do an LDR.
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I quite enjoy long distance, as long as that distance isn't too long. I like to be able to see the people I love often. Unfortunately, I have a lot of really close friends that are even in other countries and such. But if you love them, the struggle is worth it, as long as I get to be with them one day.

If it is made obvious that we can't live together, I'd make sure I was out of there. I make it clear to everyone from the start that living together, as long away as it ever might be, is an important thing for me.
 
preciselove said:
Am I the only one after having done LDR for 9+ months that gets a shiver down the spine if the thought I have to do it again comes up?

I can understand how some people that love their space can love LDRs, it's like having a relationship you can put on hold. I'd rather be put in a coma...
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Maybe because those of us in it don't look at it like:

a) it can be simply put on hold
b) it isn't about space

It has nothing to do with either. It did in yours, obviously, but not in others.
 
Ariakas said:
Maybe because those of us in it don't look at it like

a) it can be simply put on hold
b) it isn't about space

It has nothing to do with either. It did in yours, obviously, but not in others.
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If you read what I wrote correctly, you would see I said people that love LDRs are likely like that. I don't love LDRs. Do you?
 
NeonKaos said:
Polyamory is about loving people, not about loving logistics.
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Well said. :)

I am sure there are people in LDRs who like the distance for those two reasons, but I bet most don't. I bet those same people like those same things in local relationships, but don't have the social ability to create their own space or time. So long distance is easier for them.

People who suck at monoamory, polyamory, long distance, live-in, BDSM, monkey sex, casual sex, will suck at every relationship. Poor relationships are built on the backs of people who suck at relationships, not the relationship style itself. Some are most definitely harder than others, but all relationships take work.
 
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I get a kick out of the negative LDR talk. I have learned to just smile and nod.

... And monkey sex. Ohhh... sweet monkey lovin.'

So if I want hot monkey sex from afar, does that make me doubly bad, or doubly good?
 
I would not seek out an LDR, or be very likely to begin dating someone I'd never met. But if I had a relationship that became long distance and I deeply cared about that individual, I'm sure I'd figure something out.
 
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