Is this arrangement "don't ask, don't tell"?

F

FlashyAshley

New member
Hi. I am new to this whole thing. The arrangement that my hubby and I have come to does not seem to fit in the bounds of polyamory. I'm curious if it is common, and if there is a name for it.

I have a much higher sex drive than hubby. He is okay with maybe twice a year. I'd like twice a day, if I could get it. lol. After 11 years of marriage spent ignoring my own needs, I told him I wanted a divorce. I did not want to have an affair, but I did not want to be near-celibate at age 33, either. We separated very briefly, and ended up getting back together. The rest of the marriage is great, except this one issue, and I could not see starting over with everything I have invested in my marriage.

Soon after reconciling, we had a long, serious talk about sex, needs and being fulfilled. I mentioned a couple I know who have an arrangement. The woman has the higher drive in that couple, as well. She is allowed to go and be with other men, with certain ground rules (protection, no one they know as a couple, discreet, etc.). But the kicker is that the husband does not want to know about it. Not at all. No permission, no details, nothing. It is more like, "Honey, I'm going shopping," and she goes and meets her boyfriend. They have a very strict don't ask, don't tell policy.

Hubby was agreeable to this and maintains that, "What I don't know won't hurt me." Of course, deep down he knows that I am having sex with other men, but I guess since it is not shoved in his face, he just chooses not to think about it. He assured me that it is not an issue for him as long as he doesn't find out any details.

Is this common? Is there a name for it? Anyone foresee any pitfalls with this relationship? Thanks!
 
I have had similar agreements with previous girlfriends. I don't need that much sex and I have no problem letting them get their needs fulfilled elsewhere. Although, in my case, I wanted to know the details, and none of the girls ever took my offer. It sounds good. Let me know how it works.
 
Yay, there is a name for it! :D I figured it was not an unheard-of relationship.

We are new to this, so still learning. So far, it has been easy to manage "dates" because hubby has been out of town, but will be back this weekend. We will see how it goes when I am coming up with excuses to be away (hopefully not lame ones). Obviously the marriage is priority, so I am not going to be "away" every night, or anything crazy, but right now I am still meeting and getting to know a couple potential guys (and one girl), so this stage is a little more time-consuming.

I appreciate the input and will be glad to keep y'all posted.
 
Some people struggle with DADT eventually, as sometimes love happens and change comes with it. I know I have changed immensely since being with my bf Mono. There is no hiding it. I am a different women, yet the same. This happens with most loves, I think. As long as your man is ready for that possibility, then I would think you are good to go.

The other thing that seems to happen sometimes is that the connection is lost between a couple that has a DADT policy. If you can find a way to keeps connected, then you should be good. It sounds like sex isn't it, but maybe there is something else? Otherwise it can become really hard to have the desire to stay and not leave for a lover who can offer everything your marriage does, plus sex.
 
Good for you for getting your needs met! Some people say sex isn't a need the way water, food, and shelter is, but I think, for people with strong sex drives, it is. If we go without for too long, we can get frustrated, stressed-out, bitter and short tempered. I hope your marriage benefits from this new arrangement. Good luck with dating; it's a jungle out there.
 
I think your arrangement is great. The only pitfall I see, since he doesn't want to know anything, is how to contain yourself if you become enamored with someone, or are having such great sex that it distracts you and he can't help but notice. When I'm having good sex, sometimes I wonder if I'm floating off the ground. I get giddy and can't think of much else. So, just keep in mind that hubby will really need your attention when you are with him. It would be different if he wanted to know details; then you could just tell him about it. But I think it's great that you two could agree on something that meets both your needs.
 
Magdlyn said:
Good for you for getting your needs met! Some people say sex isn't a need the way water, food, and shelter is, but I think, for people with strong sex drives, it is. If we go without for too long, we can get frustrated, stressed out, bitter and short tempered. I hope your marriage benefits from this new arrangement. Good luck with dating.
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I am one of those people you described, Magdlyn. It's good to know I'm not alone. I'm one of those people where anything less than 3 days a week leaves me feeling like I'm just barely functioning.

I'd have sex every day, if I could. But with opposite work schedules and a 9-year old, it's tough. The best I can hope for is five days a week between my two men. Wolf's drive shifts from sex to cuddles when he's stressed out, which has been a lot lately (he works retail and has been in holiday hell), which means I've been stressed, frustrated, short tempered, and feeling less than human for a few weeks now. Wendigo coming over once a week has helped a little, but those nights we've barely had time for teasing or a quick kiss goodnight. Thankfully, my husband finally gets that it's a real need for me, and has taken pity on me a couple times, in spite of not being in the mood himself.
 
Let's say I am very sex positive. If I can't get with the one I love, I love the one I'm with, even just for a couple hours. Now, where's that boytoy of mine? Watching football!
 
Magdlyn said:
Let's say I am very sex positive. If I can't get with the one I love, I love the one I'm with, even just for a couple hours. Now, where's that boytoy of mine? Watching football!
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Og's song from Finian's Rainbow comes to mind:

When I'm not near the girl I love,
I love the girl I'm near!

:D
 
AutumnalTone said:
Og's song from Finian's Rainbow comes to mind:

When I'm not near the girl I love,
I love the girl I'm near!

:D
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It's a Stephen Stills song.


And he came over after football! Yay!
 
If you're down and confused
And you don't remember who you're talking to
Concentration slips away
Cause your baby is so far away

Well, there's a rose in the fisted glove
And the eagle flies with the dove
And if you can't be with the one you love, honey
Love the one you're with!

Don't be angry. Don't be sad
Don't sit crying over good times you've had
There's a girl right next to you
And she's just waiting for something to do

Turn your heartache right into joy
Cause she's a girl and you're a boy
Get it together, come on, make it nice
You ain't gonna need any more advice

Well, there's a rose in the fisted glove
And the eagle flies with the dove
And if you can't be with the one you love, honey,
Love the one you're with!

:)
 
I never knew WHAT he was singing there. I just got those lyrics off the web. Your words make more sense, lol.
 
BrigidsDaughter said:
I am one of those people you described, Magdlyn, and it's good to know I'm not alone. I'm one of those people where anything less than 3 days a week leaves me feeling like I'm just barely functioning. I'd have sex every day if i could. But with opposite work schedules and a 90year old its tough, the best I can hope for is five days a week between my two men. Wolf's drive shifts from sex to cuddles when he's stressed out, which has been a lot lately (he works retail and has been in holiday hell), which means I've been stressed, frustrated, short tempered, and feeling less than human for a few weeks now. Wendigo coming over once a week has helped a little, but those nights we've barely had time for teasing or a quick kiss goodnight. Thankfully my husband finally gets that its a real need for me and has taken pity on me a couple times, in spite of not being in the mood himself.
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In our home, it's the opposite, gender-wise. I'm the one with the higher drive. My wife is on meds that decrease her libido.

Our newest member has a higher drive than I do. Kinda a little scary.

My wife used to do the "take pity on the penis" thing. But for me, it's not the same. I prefer willing and active partners. Hopefully with our new arrangement, things will be different. Still trying to classify what our arrangement really is, but then, are classifications really important? As long as all people involved are on the same page and have discussed and set the boundaries, don't worry about what to call it. Just call it your life, your lives, and how you are choosing to lead them. Just my two cents.
 
illusion010101 said:
In our home it's the opposite... and our newest member has a higher drive than I do. My wife used to do the "take pity on the penis" thing. But for me it's not the same. I prefer willing and active partners. Hopefully with our new arrangement things will be different. Still trying to classify what our arrangement really is, but are classifications really important? As long as all people involved are on the same page, and have discussed and set the boundaries, don't worry about what to call it. Just call it your life, your lives, and how you are choosing to lead them.
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Generally speaking, it was only the last couple weeks that he took pity on me, because while he wanted to be active and willing, he just didn't have the time or energy for it, with all the hours he was pulling. I think he felt a little bit guilty about "neglecting" me. And with transportation and timing issues, Wendigo and I weren't able to be physical either. So they were dealing with a rather frustrated me.

And yeah, I have trouble with the classification too. I mean, there are four of us, all involved with each other to varying degrees, physically and emotionally. *shrugs* But I agree, as long as everyone is happy and healthy, then it doesn't really matter what you call it.
 
My gf has a lower libido than me, but we have a good arrangement. She doesn't mind seeing me masturbating, and more often than not, if she sees me doing it, she'll stop by and at least pinch a nipple or something like that, or just let me hug onto her when I get to the point of orgasm. I don't touch her breasts or genitals unless she indicates she has gotten turned on by being near me. I love her. I never had this kind of openness with my mono vanilla ex.
 
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