Husband's girlfriend uncomfortable

Senga said:
Things got heated quickly, and we stopped listening. We I agreed to go outside where it was calm, write down the focus of our arguments in a few sentences. Then we switched papers and replied to each other by writing. After that, we continued to talk about it. It really helped to get the ball rolling for a productive conversation. The best of luck to you!
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Yes, talking before getting emotional is so important. It takes practice. I sometimes don't say anything until my words are in order. I find a moment when I am distracted by other things (pretty easy to come by in my life) and then say the words I have put together without too much thought, and definitely fewer emotions attached. It goes over much better and gets me to where I want to be in a way that is more tactful, respectful and with less drama.

I like your idea of swapping lists! That is a really good way of doing it, and comes to a similar end as how I do it. It would drive me crazy to actually write, but I have dyslexia and avoid writing on paper as much as I can. Whatever works, right? That is the main thing. :)
 
John was here the last few days. After Harlan and I talked about how I felt about John, only one thing has been said. He said he wouldn't feel comfortable having two primaries. He wants to be primary. I told him that while I would be willing to have another primary, it wouldn't be whoever I might be seeing. To me, he will always be primary. That was it. Nothing else has been said. Harlan and I have gotten even closer the last couple of days. I never thought I could feel any closer to him, but I do. He knows with all his heart that I love him. I hope he is comfortable talking about it soon. I know I need to ask him to talk about things, but I am afraid it is too soon. I just don't know what it is that I should do with these feelings.
 
How do I get two guys to talk to each other about what they are feeling? I know that if Harlan and John talked and got past all of their pent-up resentments, then it would not only make me happy, but it would make their friendship stronger. They have been friends for many years. A lot of stuff has happened between them. There are some resentment issues that need to be addressed.

I thought about suggesting to Harlan that he could write out what is bothering him. That way, when John gets it and is floored by the fact that his best friend is harboring bad feelings toward him after over a decade, he too will have time to think about what he wants to say back.

There have been more recent events, but all of them happened before John changed his life for the better. John has told me in the past that there is no way he could ever re-pay Harlan for everything he has done for him. I just have a feeling that he has never told Harlan this.

Is it always this hard for men to communicate with each other? Is it normal to let things go for many years, without closure?
 
Sounds like you have some good ideas. You could cook them a meal, provide pens and paper, create a relaxed atmosphere. Other than that, you will have to tell them it is "up to them," because it is, and it should be. Let them work out some things their way, for themselves, so they can grow their relationship. If you coddle their relationship and are too overprotective of it, then it will always be in "baby stage." Try to be positive and encouraging, point out the positive things they will gain from such a reconciliation. That is, after all, your goal.
 
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