How do I heal a psychological disconnect between sex and emotional bonding?

My full confession

To add to and clarify to my posting yesterday, I am the responsible party for events leading up this failure in my relationship with Midnightsun.

I had every opportunity to not apply pressure to meet my needs and desires, and respect her wishes. I disrespected her above any and all meanings of the word. The worst thing I did was put her in a position where I made her feel she was expected to have sex with someone she had only met 30 minutes prior to it happening. This is inexcusable. I put my physical desires in front of my wife's, and destroyed something sacred between us.

Midnightsun was correct in her first post. The weight of these crimes against her and our marriage lies squarely on my shoulders.

To those of you that I rebelled against, let me say you were correct in your positions and and feelings of repulsion towards me and my actions. To add salt to this, I in turn acted like a damn fool and came back at you like a cornered rat, instead of a truly sorry individual with any sense of guilt.

To Redpepper, I would like to say I am terribly sorry. My angry post was directed at you. I was hurt and felt the very same things as you expressed in your posts towards myself. I lashed out as a means of coping with my feelings, instead of accepting your words as wisdom. Even though I do not know you, I admire you for being in the position you are in, for being able to hold your head high, for seeing my faults and being kind enough to speak out about them when you saw them for what they were. This board has and will teach me more as the days go by, and it will be because of people like yourself and others like you.

To LovingRadiance, dear, I am sorry for any and all embarrassment I may have caused you as well, I am truly going to give this my all to become the man I should have been all along. My issues with the anger, outlook on life in general and my journey to find myself will have been influenced by you and for that I am grateful.

Last but not least, to My Wife, Midnightsun, you have endured too much hurt in your life, My love. I have witnessed this. I have been there with you. I have been the cause of a great part of it, too.

I am well beyond words now. I have been all words and no actions for entirely too long. I plan on changing that. All great things take time, and I am now willing to devote whatever it will take to finding myself and becoming your friend again.

I love you, baby.

stewy
 
I'm not embarassed by your anger, nor am I in a place to sit in judgment. God knows I've lost my temper in self-defense on more than one occasion.

But now that you see that you have something to fix, the real joy is just around the corner, honest and truly. Only in finding our true selves (with all of our faults) and embracing them, can we begin the work to "raising" ourselves to be people we WANT to be. But when we do raise ourselves into the people we want to be, we find that joy that eluded us when we were still "posturing" behind the facade of who we wanted the world to believe we were.

Now you've laid your soul bare, and I am sure it hurts to do so. Not only that, you've done it when you are alone and far from any caring soul. That makes it harder yet.

But you must not forget the part where you start moving forward one little step at a time with a hopeful heart.

What are your good qualities?
I asked you yesterday to answer a list of questions about how much it hurt to have your dad not love, respect, nurture or approve of you, to consider how badly he treated your mother and break that down, to find out what parts of him (that you don't like) carried on into your own life, after allowing yourself to feel the pain and hurt that you deserve to feel from the damage he did with his crappy attitude.

I will assume you did this. (It need not be given to me, my friend. It's for your own benefit that I ask you to do these things.)

Now, will you please spend the day working on making a list of your good qualities? That's what you will build from, improve and nurture so that you can become the person you want to be and find the joy you are longing for.

Let us know how it goes or where you have questions, confusion or hurt.

FYI, it might do you good to read Mono's thread about success and happiness. Yes, it's long. Just start at the beginning and read a few pages a day. It's hopeful, but it's honest too, about his stumbles.

We all stumble, my friend. That's to be expected. Just don't give up the trek!
 
LovingRadiance said:
A number of us have tried to find poly-friendly counselors (or any professional) in Alaska. None of us have had any luck.

... any ideas?
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I'm so sorry I didn't see this and respond sooner. With three partners and four children, I can run out of free time alarmingly quickly.

If you can't find a poly-friendly counselor who states that they are poly-friendly, start by finding a counselor whom you like and feel comfortable with. I've found that this is one area where you can happily trust your instincts. If you're not comfortable with them, they are not a good fit and you can move on. They will understand, and every counselor I have ever talked to, except for one unprofessional one, has actually told me up front that if I wasn't comfortable with them they could refer me to someone else.

You don't necessarily need to bring up poly right up front. You can take some time getting used to them. Then you can bring up poly, and if they're a good counselor, they should at least accept that this is something you feel is right for you and not judge. I was seeing a non-poly counselor for myself, and a poly counselor for my marriage, and this is advice the poly counselor gave me.

AHave you tried finding a BDSM-friendly counselor?
 
Lemondrop said:
I'm so sorry I didn't see this and respond sooner. With three partners and four children, I can run out of free time alarmingly quickly.
Also, have you tried finding a BDSM-friendly counselor?
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Boy howdy, you aren't kidding! We have four kids (only three are living here) and I have two partners plus my sister living here. Some days I feel like it's all I can do to get through the basics. OK, let me correct myself. MOST days I feel like it's all I can do to get through the basics. Certainly no need to apologize

I like your suggestion for dealing a therapist.

The one we've found isn't poly-friendly. He is helping us with communication skills. (I hope to go back end of this month. I had to stop for my surgery and it's been almost 3 months.) While he's not a "Christian counselor" by trade, he is a strict Christian, who was previously a pastor before going back to school for his psych degree. He was pretty upfront about not dealing with "alternative lifestyle issues" (without us mentioning it) but that if that was an issue that came up, he was more then willing to suggest others who were better equipped to deal with those things. Pretty honest and friendly there.

I haven't found a BDSM-friendly therapist in our area either, but I haven't specifically looked for that. I'll do that today. If I do find one I'll put it in the other thread.

I have found gay/lesbian-friendly therapists, mostly women, only one man.

At any rate, Lemondrop, thanks for the suggestions and thoughts.
 
Proud of my man

I've been intentionally quiet the past few days, letting Stewy introduce himself to all of you and add his contribution to the thread. It became clear while we were working through our issues, that my first post was, in fact, dead on. But when I saw everyone's reaction (particularly RP's) and saw how hurt he was in response, my protective, nurturing nature kicked in.

I glossed over the ugly parts in my mind. I ignored the fact that I had sex with someone I'd only met 30 minutes before, for all intents and purposes, at my husband/Dom's instruction, in order to please him. Instead, I focused on the fact that the person I had slept with was attractive to me, and in the course of having sex with him, I *did* feel a spark of chemistry between the two of us. We "clicked" and communicated non-verbally almost instantly.

Still, that doesn't change the fact of how or why I ended up doing it in the first place. And Stewy wasn't aware of the "spark" at the time. And in the place he was emotionally, he didn't particularly care. It was nice 'after-the-fact' information, but it could've just as easily ended up being someone I didn't connect with at all. Furthermore, we both knew going into it that this was pretty much a one-time thing, not an expectation of building a relationship with this person for either of us, which is what I'd always expressed wanting.

So, I recognized my second post had minimized Stewy's actions and attitudes, and I had assumed most of the responsibilities for them. I certainly have responsibility in everything that has happened, but he does, as well, and neither of us would learn anything or benefit from not admitting what actually happened.

I'm very proud of him for taking the next step and admitting his responsibility and asking for help and advice. I have explained to him that I understand that since his emotional needs were not provided for adequately as a child, it has made him ill-equipped to provide for the emotional needs of his wife and family.

To clarify, we are NOT interacting with each other in a D/S role. However, I pointed out to him that a Dom's role *is* to provide for, and consider the emotional and psychological needs of their sub, as well as the physical. Probably more so the first two. Therefore, I suggested that when he is ready, he reach out to the D/s community on this board (and elsewhere) for help in that aspect of being a Dom, and to practice and learn about only the caretaking portion of that role while we heal our own wounds.

If any of you want to offer your help, feel free to PM him and let him know that you are an experienced Dom and that when he's ready you would be willing to point him in the right direction.

We are both seeing therapists individually, and will eventually begin to see one together, when we've progressed to that point, although, as LR pointed out, the therapist is extremely skilled in marital and trauma counselling, but not poly- or BDSM-friendly. That's why, for poly/BDSM advice, we're reaching out to all of you, so that at least we have someone to talk to about that part of what happened between us.

Please don't misunderstand that we are expecting therapy from this board. We both realize that no one here has training or expertise or a therapeutic relationship with either of us. That said, it's still therapeutic for us to find a social group that won't judge us for our life choices and will act as a support group for the difficulties that we need to express and talk through in order to make progress in healing our relationship.

Hope that sort of makes sense. I type faster than my brain connects my words sometimes, and I don't have time at the moment to reread this and make it reader-friendly. ;)

To Stewy, I love you, baby. Keep up the hard work! I know it hurts, but it'll pay off in the end. And I meant what I said-- no matter what, I'm always your best friend, and I'll be here for you when you get through this.
 
What a wonderful thing to hear from you, Stewy. It's very rare on this forum to hear what goes on for the other party, beyond what people write on here. I must say, I am blown away by how articulate and well-spoken you are, even though you said you weren't. It is obvious that you have thought about everything, and are deeply affected by what has come about in your life and in your marriage. I can imagine that it has felt overwhelming at times.

Thank you for your apology. Apologies go a long way with me and I really appreciate that you made that effort. I spend a lot of time and invest a lot in the people that come to this forum. Mono says too much, but I have a big heart, and honestly, come from a place of concern about what I read, not judgement.

As YGirl said, we only know what is written, and I feel I would be doing a disservice to respond by skirting issues I see in a post. I am not always right, and have been told that many times. I am not perfect and have my own stuff to work on too. But no one can fault me for not being radically honest and open about what I think. That is what has worked for me and my close relationships with others. It has created great depth and love in my life.

I feel that I have a lot of life experience that could be helpful to others, and this is a place I can share it. Everyday life doesn't give us that opportunity as often. It's unfortunate that some think I should not share my opinion and judge me for it, but that's life also. I have learned a lot from being here, on so many levels.

I have certainly learned from listening to your story and how it has unfolded into something beautiful. Thank you for sharing that wonderful gift.

I sincerely wish you both the best and send you much love. You are on an amazing journey of reinventing yourself and your relationship. It's an incredible thing!

I just did that with myself for similar reasons to your story. Mine was more that I pushed myself into doing things that harmed my sense of self. I feel as though I separated myself in order to have sex with people that did not care for me, cherished me, or saw my worth, but merely saw me as someone to use for sex. I didn't know them or even feel a connection. I prostituted myself. I think a lot of women do that because they think it dictates their worth. I did that to myself. It sends shivers down my spine. I am worth so much more.

Having been on a journey and reached a new level of love for myself and appreciation for the person I am, I can honestly say that the experience I put myself through and the experience of getting out of it was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I sincerely hope and wish for you to fee that. :)

Much love, admiration and respect to you both,
Redpepper
 
Wow, everything has been covered already. The only thing I would like to point out to you is how many people care about you. Your husband seems willing to work on it. All these people are answering you honestly & its harsh, but that means they love you. *hugs* I have a few people who give it to me straight, but not that many. Keep your friends.
 
Wow, Senga, you really like dredging up old threads, don't you?
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That rocks. I love that shit... Just 'cause they are old doesn't mean they aren't awesome! Thanks for the memory.
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Oh, I guess I didn't realize it was that old. Haha I am so nosey. I read it all. How is everything turning out for them now? I like to read people's stories. I'm going to read NYCindie's now. lol
 
i think it's super-grooovy when people read what has already been written on here instead of expecting everyone else to summarize and regurgitate things for them.
 
This story wasn't exactly the same as my situation, but I was interested in the topic and I think I learned some things reading it.
 
NeonKaos said:
I think it's super-groovy when people read what has already been written on here, instead of expecting everyone else to summarize and regurgitate things for them.
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Yes, sometimes I go back purposely to the oldest pages here to see what nuggets I can find. I was just teasing Senga about it, 'cause there were a number of old threads she resurrected. I like doing that, too.
 
nycindie said:
I was just teasing Senga about it, 'cause there were a number of old threads she resurrected. I like doing that, too.
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It's my way of demonstrating that I can be positive sometimes. Recently I got an ass-whooping by some of the members of this forum for bitching at someone for not doing their "Homework" and I'd like to cite this time as an example of using the forum to its potential.

I also have avatars turned off and just realized that I have the Cthulhu one as mine. So maybe I come across as a bit eccentric.
 
I was wondering if there is anyone who would talk to me on the phone about a certain subject that is about our past poly experience, but is affecting our relationship (not in a particularly good or bad way) but I don't think Ryan wants it posted in a forum. But I think a third person's view would be helpful. Or maybe I should just give a call to my local poly therapist...har har :(
 
Senga said:
So how is everything turning out for them now then?
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They are still together, in counseling. A lot of the same issues remain unresolved. Maybe since you brought the thread back to life, they'll answer.

Senga said:
I was wondering if there is anyone who would talk to me on the phone about a certain subject that is about our past poly experience, but is affecting our relationship (not in a particularly good or bad way), but I don't think Ryan wants it posted in a forum. But I think a third persons view would be helpful. Or maybe I should just give a call to my local poly therapist...har har :(
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You could use private messaging.
 
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