Help with my girlfriend

T

Tolvelski

New member
Hello, I'm here because I need some help. I am monogamous, just to let you know, but my girlfriend believes she has been polyamorous her whole life, even though she has had only one poly relationship. She has lived as a mono, and our relationship has been mono also for the past year.

Now, my problem is that I don't want us or anyone else getting hurt in this matter. It started out that she wanted to date girls, since she is bisexual, but she can't in our mono relationship. Knowing her, I know that most of her relationships have been with females, so I think she prefers them over males.

Next, I know I am the jealous type, and so is she, because I've only had a female cuddle with me once while we've been together and she instantly locked up and wouldn't talk to me till we left. She is still young and stubborn. I have friends with experience in these relationships, but she won't listen. She believes she can do it because she has had one relationship that she called a poly relationship. But really, the guy she was dating cheated on her all the time, abused her and ruined her life. I know because I spent the past year fixing it. And only her girlfriend actually cared for her, making it really only a mono relationship with a guy on the side who didn't care.

I just don't want my love getting herself, myself or anyone else hurt. I can give more details as this thread goes on. I just can't think straight at the moment, which is why I ask you, the "TRUE" poly people, for help. She is as stubborn as I, and thinks she knows what she's doing, but she is only 17 while I'm 18. Nether of us know what we're really doing. But I care for her. Please help us.
 
Would she be willing to read here a bit? Maybe the two of you could read together. That way a question might evolve whereby we all can give you some guidance and support in a specific way, rather than a broad way.

Maybe if I ask some questions it will help.

- What makes you think her ex-bf cheated, rather than was poly?
- What steps have you made to walk through your jealousy, or she through hers?
- What part of polyamory does she think she is successful at, so as to make her think she can "do it?"
 
I'll admit, very good questions.

To answer the first thing about getting her on here. She is blindly stubborn, she feels that she knows what she is doing in her heart, and is following her feeling, she said. When it comes down to it, I try to find answers and work things out; she goes with gut instinct. I've already done plenty of research on other websites to learn what a poly relationship is and kinda how it works. I've tried getting her to read these things with me, but she goes back to saying she is following her heart and I can take whatever anyone else says, and all my research, and pretty much shove it. Like I said, blindly stubborn.

Luckily though, with enough effort and time, this has yet to stop me with past things we have had problems with. Now, as you can see, I am here asking for help because I like to not only think I'm right, but also be able to back it up with reasons and support. And if I'm wrong, then so be it. I search for the truth. I don't really care if I am right or wrong, so long as I find the truth. So pretty much, I'd love for her to join me on here so that we might better this situation, but she has to accept that she doesn't know everything. I know being 17 make that hard for her. Even though I'm only 18 myself, people agree I'm pretty smart and mature for my age. But also, being the same age just a year ago, I know how easy it is to say "screw you" to every one else.

Anyway, moving onto your first question. How did I know whether he was cheating or poly? Well, for starters, I know a poly relationship is based on honesty and trust. He was nether honest nor trustworthy. I know that people within the relationship have a say. She had no say in the matter when he went back to his ex, and was having intercourse with her, without my girlfriend even knowing about it. She found out one day when he brought her over, and she questioned who she was and he told her and what they had been doing.

Along with cheating on her, he was also abusive. He would hit her, choke her and degrade her. Which is why, when I started going out with my girlfriend, she was majorly depressive and performed self-harm with a razor to her arm. Luckily, over time, I helped her out of this, and she is happier and better off without him and what he caused.

Now, I know all this might not be able to answer the question fully, since I would need her to explain it all to you, but if you had to go through all the months of work that I had to, to help her back on her feet after her previous boyfriend, you too would know he was not the type of person expected to be in a poly relationship, nor even just a good person at heart.

Your next question: what have we done about jealousy? Honestly, "we" have done nothing. "I" have tried to work on it personally, since when I first met her I was an unbearable type of jealous person. I didn't like people even looking at her in a way that might seem threatening to me or my relationship. I have made improvements to better myself in this matter. But I'll admit I can only do so much alone and I still am the jealous type.

My girlfriend, on the other hand, doesn't believe herself to be jealous. She believes herself to be completely open and carefree. But this is not true. And all I can say is good luck getting her to admit anything that goes against what she says without a fight. I have had to fight a lot of battles with her, but I don't care. I love her and continue to help her. The problem is, I try to get others to help also, and she feels that I'm turning people against her even when I get help for both of us.

But back to the original question: I know I'm jealous, but I'm willing to get help from whoever can give it. On the other hand, she is in denial and refuses to admit it, and refuses to listen to me or anyone else who tries to help her. The only reason I can help her is because we love each other, and she trusts me. So, given enough time, I do help her.

Now your final question: what part of a poly relationship does she think she is successful at? Well, she won't say. She says she knows what she is doing, that she has done it before, and that she can do it. That's all she has said on the subject. Personally, I've asked her questions like "How many poly relationships have you been in?" and she answered "One." She said it was with one of her friends and the ex (that I had to help her recover from), which instantly struck me as not counting, since I know how he was, and what he did to her, and that was not a poly relationship. It was mono between her and her ex-girlfriend, and she had a guy who she called her boyfriend who actually only had her around to have sex with and take his anger out on by beating her.

She replied that the point is that she has had poly relationship before (even though she hasn't). I also even asked her if she was wanting a poly relationship, and the fact that she could do it, but of course she said yes. Afterward I had to stop talking, because she easily feels cornered. I had to back off, otherwise it would break out into fight, which I didn't want.

And that kinda leads me to my next point. We already have a relationship and it is hard enough with just me and her. Plus she tried to break up with me yesterday, so that she could try for a poly relationship, without giving me a chance to defend myself. I was able to dodge that bullet and now we're in this together.

I hope that gives some insight into our problems.
 
The only thing I can think of that you can do is start the groundwork of your boundaries. Start talking about what you can accept and what you can't. Ask her to do the same until you reach a common ground. You might be pushed to compromise, and she might, also. That's just how it is. Keep moving and adjusting the line of your boundary until it is mostly comfortable for both of you.

When someone comes along that is serious for her, the boundary moves again. It should be as fluid as you all feel comfortable with. The most important thing is to keep being honest with each other and yourself, keep being open to new ideas, and consider other people's feelings as much as you can.

If she is good at polyamory, in terms of how the two of you define it, then you should trust she will stick to what you have negotiated. If she is unable to, then it's time to talk again. If she is disrespectful towards the process and towards your feelings, then I think I would look at whether it is worth staying with her.

Stubbornness and disrespect are different things. Stubbornness means she is sure of what she wants. Disrepect would mean she can't see past that in order to meet the needs of another without compromising her own needs and wants.

I hope this helps. It is my opinion from what I have practiced. It has worked for me to the best of its ability. It's not perfect, but it's a start.
 
Today I talked to counselors about the relationship that my girlfriend and I share, and about all the things that have happened. I didn't just get one person's opinion, but multiple. They range from friends to counselors with master degrees in human relationships and interpersonal communication.

Sadly, everyone said the same thing to me: break it off. One said that the relationship that my girlfriend and I share is a child and parent relationship, where I fill the role of the parent, trying to get her up to the same level as myself so that I no longer have to be a parent, but instead a boyfriend like I should be. But the problem is no one can get her to mature to the point that she should be, so that we may be on the same level, except herself. Till she chooses to grow up, it will never work.

I have been told on multiple accounts that we should break up, and I should find someone on common ground as myself. And that for her, she needs to step back, and look at the life she is living, because till she makes a change things will be the same. By her remaining immature she will always fill the role of a child, so that the only matches she'll have are--

1) she'll find another person that shares her immaturity, and they'll never have a serious relationship. They'll have the relationship of two little kids that like each other, but also know what sex is. Or
2) she'll find someone who knows what common ground they stand on, and want to find someone who shares that, in which case, they will never last, because they will quickly notice her childlike attitude and leave her for someone who act more their age. Or finally,
3) someone like myself will come along and fill the role of the parent and try to help her, like I have the past year, in hopes that she will grow up so that we can share common grounds and perspectives.

What I've been told over all the short sessions was that she is not polyamorous; she is an immature teenager who still wants to get things her way, and because a friend told her about polyamory, she has taken that on as an excuse for her actions so that she may get what she wants, which is to date girls, which she prefers over men.

From my experience with our relationship, I know she will not survive in a serious relationship because she does not take into consideration anyone's thoughts but her own.

Over the time I have been with her, it has always been about her. I have constantly been selfless in our relationship and focused on helping her. I forgot about my own needs in the long run, which is why I have been depressed and felt degraded. I am not getting my emotional needs met in this relationship. All she does is take. When she needed help because of hurt feelings, I was there for her to help her out of her slump. But when I even want to see or speak to her, lately it's either she's changed her mind about seeing me, like today, something came up in which she just doesn't want to see me, even though she still could, or she tells me, like she has multiple time before, that she is busy and doesn't have time nor want to talk or see me right now.

The saddest part is that she says she is busy when I haven't seen or spoken to her for like three days, and she tells me she is busy reading manga and listening to music on the internet. Another time, she told me to forget about coming over because she was busy, but when I got there, she was just playing Sims on the computer. So pretty much, a game was more important to her then me, her boyfriend.

Of course, when I complained she reacted immaturely by saying I have something against her playing games which I don't. It's just that she puts them ahead of us. I have actually walked out and left when I was supposed to spend the day with her, when all she did was ignore me and play games. Then later she said if I had a problem, I should have just said something. Yet when I have, she gets all crappy with me. Recently she spends most of the week with friends and just blows me off, and when she isn't with friends, she comes up with an excuse as for a reason not to see me.

She has a hard enough time dealing with a mono relationship with me, and yet she thinks she can take on a poly relationship, which I know she can't, nor is she poly herself. The reason she didn't have a poly relationship all the other times was because she was in in a relationship with a girl and yet when she tries to be with a guy now, all of a sudden she isn't okay with a mono relationship but is instead a poly all along, which I find as a pathetic excuse.

This is why I don't want to try this poly thing, because I know she is lying. She says it's what's in her heart, but what's really there is not the poly drive for multiple relationships, but instead the drive for female companionship. Which is why she has always had a mono relationship with girls and a pathetic excuse for a poly relationship with the only guy she has ever dated other then me. She is not polyamorous. That is a lie and an attempt to get what she wants, like normal.

I'm sorry if I wasted your time, since it took me a bit to put 2 and 2 together.
 
All I have to add is that your girlfriend may very well be poly, but likely doesn't have the relationship skills at this point to be able to manage more than one relationship. She is only 17! It sounds to me like she still has a lot of work to do on understanding herself and what she really wants.

You said in your last post that everyone is telling you that you should leave her. However, you didn't say if that's what you want to do or not. Do you think she's willing to do the work required to have a more mature view of herself and her relationships? Are you willing to hang in there with her while she does the work?
 
I'm willing to do what ever it takes to work this out. And no, I do not want to break up, but she says she wants to break up with me because she tried of hanging out with me, doesn't want me around anymore and feels burnt out in our relationship. And honestly, I don't think she is willing to do the work, nor does she wish to work at this in a mature manner. None of our problems has she worked on, or was mature about. And when I ask her how does she feel she is helping our relationship, or what work she is putting into it, her reply is that she works to put up with me, not much else.
 
Just a little bit ago, I finally agreed to back off and give her some space. We haven't broken up, but she says she is pissed at me because I went over to her place. So now I have to be patient and hope she can work things out herself to the point of were we can talk. But I am kinda nervous, because the last time I gave her space to think, she came back and said she was breaking up with me.
 
You are both young. She is one year younger than you, perhaps in maturity level also. This seems all so grown up for two people who are 17 and 18.

Why should she be with you all the time, think of you all the time, consider you all the time? She should be out with her friends, meeting people, establishing who she is. Eventually she will change and grow, as we all do, all through life. You could stay and watch that blossom in her and blossom in you, or you could hang onto what you think it should be, and make yourself think it's all her and her lack of maturity.

I dunno. There is something amiss here. Perhaps you are just too different. Perhaps you could let go a bit and just enjoy the person she is for who she is. I think she needs some space. Give her some space and work on some boundaries. Maybe that would work. But approach it with her in terms of love and respect for who she is. Whining and complaining that she is "not mature enough" could make her leave you. Not that you are whining and complaining, but maybe angrily judging? I don't know that either. Only you do.
 
New problem-- my girlfriend found someone she wants the poly relationship to work with. The way she chose to let me decide was, "How would you feel if I want to date this person?" I pretty much said I would like to talk to both her and this person before I said yes or no, and get an idea of what I'm getting into. She refused and said, "It's a yes or no." She refused to let me do anything except say yes or no to her having this relationship. So I had to reply with, "Do you want this to work? Yes or no? Because if it is a yes, then I want to be able to talk and look before we leap into this. If not, then it's a no, because I refuse to be shoved into a corner and forced to make a hard decision on just a second's notice."

What do you all think?
 
Tolvelski said:
I'm also being told that I don't need to talk to the person who is going to be dating my girlfriend.
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Stand your ground. Something is not right, in my opinion. She's asking a very big thing of you. You've made a small request. She's holding back for a reason. Be careful.
 
It is better to know one's metamour, in my experience. The fear and talk inside your head lessens when you at least meet and get to know them. It's hugely beneficial that metamours are civil and respectful to each other, at the bare minimum. I think you are wise to ask to meet them.

It's not a yes no decision. You aren't her dad. You are working on this together. She doesn't need to ask permission, but she needs to consider you and communicate how she plans to work this out. Then you do the same. That is how it works. This is negotiating. It has nothing to do with permission. I don't think it's fair she even ask.
 
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