Losing the battles so I can win the war

[NeonKaos]

and i'm such a prize myself!

I assume you meant that in a cheeky way, meaning that nobody's perfect.

That's exactly why you should work on yourself instead of getting involved with more people. The better you know yourself, the better equipped you are to deal with partners and their baggage, and you will find that you're not as willing to put up with other people's bullshit when you have worked through your own bullshit. Not "I'm a piece of work so it's ok if my partners are pieces of work because one piece of work deserves another".

 

[IndieSolo]

And I'm such a prize myself!

Yes you are! Don't doubt that!

 

[whatamIdoing]

I assume you meant that in a cheeky way, meaning that nobody's perfect.

That's exactly why you should work on yourself instead of getting involved with more people. The better you know yourself, the better equipped you are to deal with partners and their baggage, and you will find that you're not as willing to put up with other people's bullshit when you have worked through your own bullshit. Not "I'm a piece of work so it's ok if my partners are pieces of work because one piece of work deserves another".

Actually, no. I was being quite serious. You guys have no clue the baggage I carry around. I know myself quite well. Therapy from age 9 till past age 40, several psych ward hospitalizations, a degree in psych myself.

As for putting up with the bullshit of others, I have my limits.

J is exactly what I need him to be, when I need him to be what I need. He suits me as a secondary parttime relationship just fine. B... well... B is my heart and soul. I often mend torn clothing and wear it, also.

 

[NeonKaos]

J is exactly what i need him to be when I need him to be what I need..... he suits me as a secondary part time relationship just fine. B... well B is my heart and soul. I often mend torn clothing and wear it also.

That's a pretty weak metaphor. I've never heard of torn clothing laying its hands on someone in anger.

If things are working so well, then good for you.

Have a great week!

 

[IndieSolo]

The other night he was in my face. I turned my back to him in bed and he flipped me over on my back by my shoulder. It's the first time he laid his hands on me in anger in 8 years together.

Oh, I understand better now.

My husband had one moment of anger like that while we were together (10+ years), but he never actually struck me, nor even pushed me. I never worried that I was "not physically safe" with him, even when he was furious. I always knew he would never hurt me. If he did anything out of rage, it was more likely to be that he would deliberately knock things off a table or something. He only did that once, too. Generally he would just storm out or give me the silent treatment. We actually fought very rarely.

If he ever had tried to hurt me, he would've been out the door immediately. I would never put up with that, and I believe that because of this, I've never attracted the kind of man who gets violent. I am ashamed to admit, however, that once while we were arguing, after he told me he wanted a divorce, and I was literally begging him (tearful and screaming nonsense) to stay and not move out, he said something very hurtful and insulting to me -- to which I reacted by slapping him across the face. I was such a mess, but that's no excuse. So, I have experienced how those moments can take possession of our senses. Unfortunately.

You may want to tell B how much that frightened you when he did that, though (if you haven't already).

 

[SNeacail]

You guys have no clue the baggage I carry around. I know myself quite well. Therapy from age 9 till past age 40, several psych ward hospitalizations, a degree in psych myself.

This doesn't mean you have to put up with or accept self destructive/abusive behaviour from others. Just because you have your own issues, that I assume you are working on, doesn't give anyone else in you life license to ignore their own, nor should you be expected to excuse it.

I believe a one-time thing needs to be addressed immediately. It is not necessarily a reason to walk away, but definitely not ignored or excused.

I often mend torn clothing and wear it also.

NK said this metaphor was weak. I just don't get it. It's not your job to fix your partners' problems, psych degree or no, especially if they don't want to be fixed.

My husband used to get right in my face (like an inch from my nose) and back me into a corner where I had no escape. It was horrible. I finally told him that he might as well just hit me, because then my terror wouldn't last as long. He was actually horrified when I told him how it affected me, and he hasn't done it since.

 

[whatamIdoing]

The one-time thing was addressed. He starts therapy next week. He called and made the appointment himself.

He was told if he ever lays his hand on me again in anger (even to flip me over in bed) that he's gone forever. He agrees. He feels he should be arrested and punished for doing what he did. I think that's a bit much.

He is on medication, but I am thinking we need to get him evaluated.

A lot of his issues stem from lack of self-esteem, which is currently being made worse by body-image issues.

Both of us in the last 18 months have lost a lot of weight-- him over 200 pounds and me over 130. We both have terrible sagging skin that can only be corrected by plastic surgery. We both feel terribly ugly. I'm coping better with it than he is because I'm going to have surgery soon. He's not ready yet, as he's still 25 pounds from goal.

B horrified himself when he did it. He sat on the edge of the bed and cried like a baby, saying, "Call the cops. I need to be arrested." It scared him enough that he begged to go to therapy, finally.

As for J, I have no clue what will be with him, but I am not his caretaker. We are not even at the point where I know how to define our relationship. If he abuses himself, that's his choice. When I go to see him, it's my vacation, it's my party, it's my respite from my day to day life. So drinking, and eating bad food, and being mindless and useless is a perfect way to spend the weekend.

 

[whatamIdoing]

My head hurts...

I spent the entire weekend with J. Our relationship is changing. My two new favorite movies have to be "No Strings Attached" and "It's Complicated." They pretty much describe my life right now.

J brought up the concept of poly at dinner Saturday night. We were both straight and sober and having a lovely meal out. We talked about what it means to be a secondary relationship and how it would be too difficult for me to be a primary to both him and B. And how J4 has asked B to be her secondary relationship, but she's pushing him a bit too hard, too fast, and he's not sure he's ready.

I explained NRE to him. I was just being clinical. It never occurred to me that he wanted this info for a reason.

J has said "we" need to find him a primary. He knows that he needs that to be able to deal with having to be second with me. He knows without a primary relationship for himself he will start to place too many demands on me and my time.

Sunday was a lovely day until later in the day. We talked about how we feel about each other. We care. We both care. We both care more than we've wanted to admit.

Towards the end of the visit, we were standing in the kitchen hugging each other. I was saying things like, "Fuck you" and "Damn you to hell." J knew what that was all about. I'm mad. This was supposed to be just fun and games. It was supposed to be NSA, and here we are falling in love with each other.

I got home last night about 10:30 and called him, as requested. He started with "I'm drunk." He was drinking wine. He can't hold his wine. And he was drinking. I knew he was going to. He opened the bottle before I left. And why is he drinking? Lonely, because the bed is empty, because he misses me, because our weekend was awesome, because he said to me, "I'm in NRE with you," because he said, "I can't see you often unless it's to help me work on finding a primary... and I know you would step aside if you needed to."

I know this was the fear talking. I know this was the wine talking. I know he was talking about staying away to protect his heart. I know I can't be what he needs. I know this makes me sad. I never ever wanted to fall in love with him. That was never the plan!

 

[MonoVCPHG]

I never ever wanted to fall in love with him. That was never the plan!

You're trying to fight human biology and chemical reactions in your brain, my friend. Physical intimacy has physiological affects that some people can ignore, but not many. I think the box you just opened is referred to as Pandora's.

 

[whatamIdoing]

You're trying to fight human biology and chemical reactions in your brain... I think the box you just opened is referred to as Pandora's.

I know! I KNOW! I KNOW!

And I have nothing to say. The truth is, J and I are barely sexual. We are more about the cuddling. We never even had sex while I was there this weekend.

 

[Ariakas]

You might want to avoid having sex until you get all of this figured out. It's hard to turn back once that puzzle piece of emotional connection is made.

 

[whatamIdoing]

You might want to avoid having sex until you get all of this figured out. It's hard to turn back once that puzzle piece of emotional connection is made.

Oh, we have had sex already, more than once. Just this weekend it never worked out to have intercourse.

 

[whatamIdoing]

How surreal this morning was for us.

B is packing for a weekend with J4. He needed to take his pillows. He was rushing this morning and nearly forgot them, so I'm reminding him.

I packed because I'm going up to see J again this weekend. Our relationship has escalated really fast, and feelings are getting deeper and stronger for both of us.

Now if only I can make everyone happy that I want two men.