Open V hasn't been easy

[mattw1970]

I'm new to the poly way of living, or at least new to realizing that I am not capable of ethical monogamy for the long haul. So here I am.

I'm in the first relationship where I've identified myself as poly to the other person. At first she was worried, and I'm sure at times still is, but we are working on it. We have been together for a little over a year. We will call her Kate.

I am basically a poly-mono at the time, as I only have one mate. Kate is bi. Recently, through a poly meetup, she met someone (whom we will call Ali) that she liked, and the feeling was mutual. Ali pretty much identifies as lesbian. They have been dating for a few weeks now.

It's been rough for me, at times. I've been the one who was all for it, and told her that it's okay, and I won't get jealous, and I'm so happy for her. Well, I am very happy for her, and I like Ali a LOT. But yeah, I get a little hurt and jealous and selfish from time to time, and sometimes feel myself wanting to keep Kate for myself.

Also, the whole fact that Ali is lesbian has been a little bit of a strain for me. See, when Ali drinks, she can become a little freer with her sexuality. She still doesn't find men sexually attractive, but it doesn't bother her to be around a man naked and some touching, etc., going on. Yes, it has led to a couple threesomes with the 3 of us. They have been very awkward for me, to say the least. Not to mention that she's Dom, as am I, and Kate is very submissive, so it has led to some unwanted power-play issues in the bedroom, nothing severe, but enough to bother me.

I've talked to both of them about it. I guess it will be put upon me to say no to more threesomes with them, but then I feel it takes away from some intimate time that Kate and I share.

So... yeah. My head and my heart are doing flip-flops right now. Is this normal? Will things settle down once Kate and Ali's NRE settles down?

Like I said, its all new and very confusing/frustrating at times. I love Kate, and I like Ali, as I said. She is a sweetheart and is becoming a good friend. So it's not about that.

HELP or thoughts?!

 

[redpepper]

Ive talked to both of them about it. and It will be put upon me to say no to more threesomes, but then I feel it takes away from some intimate time that Kare and I share.
......
Is this normal? Will things settle down once K and A's NRE settles down?

Yeah, I think I would end the threesomes. Kate might be disappointed, but it sounds like you are not getting out of it what you would like, and they are actually causing more strain than fun times. Yeah, I would say that is done, for now.

If you feel Ali cuts into your time with Kate, then it's time to sit down and negotiate some boundaries around time together. Maybe it's time to plan your weeks out a bit better so that time is managed more effectively. Ali could have certain times and days and you could have others. You could keep it flexible, in case events come up that you or Ali want to go to, but other than that, you can both rely on your time with Kate.

It's also important to schedule time all three of you spend together, too. Keeping those bonds strong is important when the time comes to deal with some hard communication, or when something happens and you are all needed to pitch in to help out.

The sex will die down and the NRE will settle in time. It can take up to a year or more. Sex kind of blinds one to what the real relationship is like for a time, as do the rose-coloured glasses one wears when a new lover is nothing but "perfect" in one's eyes. It is a wise thing to remember, I think, that Kate is going through NRE. You might save yourself some stress by light-heartedly laughing at her, in a loving way, and appreciating her glee in this new relationship (compersion). Taking a breath and letting it go can work wonders in terms of NRE, if you can do that. Once you have some boundaries that work for everyone, then sit back, do your own thing, and let them have their fun, without you being in the bedroom with them.

 

[BlackUnicorn]

Hullo and welcome!

I trust you have brought up the issue of Ali's sexually-ambiguous behavior while intoxicated? It might be she doesn't realize it's bothering you, or that she fully realizes and likes to play with it. The threesomes seem to lead to (or be a result of) an unhealthy power balance/struggle in your vee, and thus, I agree it would be wise to be put on hold until you figure this thing out.

 

[mattw1970]

Thanks to you both for your thoughts and comments.

I have spoken to Kate openly about my struggles, and she understands and is sympathetic to my feelings. We are all in the process of trying to set up a schedule that everyone can feel safe and comfortable with. I come from past relationships where open communication never seemed to be valued as much, so this is all new to me. I'm learning how important honesty, integrity and open communication truly are in a poly setting. I feel the three of us are striving for that.

I will comment more later.