Spreading the love around: does love lessen with more partners?

[RitaFire]

I can't tell you how much I appreciate everyone's willingness to share their experiences here. Thank you!

This struck a chord with me:

By that, I don't mean I'd rather have half of him than none.

Maybe I should post a new topic for this. I often wonder if our love is diluted when we share it with more than one intimate partner. We only have so much time to share our love, in our thoughts and actions, time that is not spent with one partner, but now more than one. That is less to go around. Hence it is diluted, to me. Maybe I have hard time comprehending how Rob and I would be able to give so much of ourselves to more than one intimate partner, without somehow shortchanging the other.

 

[Ariakas]

I often wonder if our love is diluted when we share it with more than one intimate partner. We only have so much time to share our love, in our thoughts and actions. And it is time that is not spent with one partner but now more than one. That is less to go around. Hence it is diluted to me. Maybe I have hard time comprehending how Rob and I would be able to give so much of ourselves to more than one intimate partner, without somehow short changing the other.

This comes up every once in a while. Some people believe that adding more love adds to the total love, thereby not diluting the love at all. Some do, in fact, have a hard time grasping the ability to romantically love more than one, thinking it dilutes the love for the other. Further to that, there is some internal analysis that there are different kinds of love- lust, crush, long-term stable etc., so one never overlaps the other.

And then there are others who believe you can have different silos of love for people. I probably fall in line with this one more than anything. I love both people I am involved with deeply. One doesn't take away from the other. The only limited item is time itself.

There are probably many more options, but those are the main three I have noticed over the last two years.

 

[Magdlyn]

Different poly couples get different things out of having another partner or partners.

Since my gf and I are both bi, we both crave men for obvious reasons. Also, I was in a 30 year marriage before I met her, and when I dumped my husband, I wanted to play the field, experience attraction, sex, have some laughs and maybe someday find true love with a suitable guy.

My gf is male-to-female transgender, and has only started living full-time as a woman for 2-3 years. She's always been poly and dated both genders (and a few in between) when she was androgynous, but now she's loving having a bf because it's gender affirming. Also she loves the taste of hetero-privilege she gets when they go out in public. She's tiny, 5'4", and he's massive, 6'5" and burly. No one gets to mess with her or question her gender without going past her bf!

(When she and I go out we are usually mistaken for mother and daughter because of our age gap. I'm 55 and she's 33. Her bf is only 35, so they make a cute MF couple.)

 

[IndieSolo]

I often wonder if our love is diluted when we share it with more than one intimate partner. We only have so much time to share our love, in our thoughts and actions. And it is time that is not spent with one partner but now more than one. That is less to go around. Hence it is diluted to me.

While time itself is limited, love is not. The trick is to be fully present with the people you're with, not thinking about someone else, or the chores you need to do, but fully engaged. Then, even an hour can feel like a lifetime. Give your full attention to someone when you are with them and they will not be shortchanged. If they feel that way, it is not always something you do that causes that. If you feel shortchanged, it isn't always lack of attention, but a belief you hold that what you're getting is not enough.

Don't you have other people in your life that you love? Family, children, friends? Love is a deeper pool than you imagine.

 

[RitaFire]

Don't you have other people in your life that you love? Family, children, friends? Love is a deeper pool than you imagine.

Yes, but with them, it is a different kind of love than what I share with my husband, or what would be shared with an intimate romantic partner.

My thinking has been that I need and want to give all of my romantic, intimate, love to one man, if he were my husband or committed partner. When I was dating and not in a committed exclusive relationship, I did not have a problem with having more than one "love" at a time, and maybe could have been considered poly in some of my dating situations. But I also admit that I did not necessarily become as close emotionally to these men if I was not in a committed exclusive relationship with them. I held back.

Poly and marriage are difficult for me to grasp. But I am trying to understand it.

I again want to thank everyone for sharing their situations with me, and their insights. It does help me a lot.

 

[redpepper]

Love is infinite, time is not. When I have been in monogamous relationships and spent every moment with the person (i.e., my ex-wife and I) I had the same amount of love for her as I do now. Actually, it's grown since then. I am amazed at how much it grows! Once unleashed, it is incredible. When I was with monogamous loves, and them only, I felt as if my love were stifled and controlled, somehow, like it was leashed. Now that I believe in abundance and not scarcity in love, friendship, happiness and a whole lot of other areas in my, life I am open beyond what I thought I would ever be. Sometimes it overwhelms me. I have to enfold back in on myself sometimes, and remember that that love needs to be enfolded back into me, also.

Time is not infinite. There is not enough time. People say that, but that is also a way of thinking. Time stands still when I am with those I love, and speeds up when I am at work. At least I try to make it be so, some days. It is all about investment, for me. I invest in every moment with my loves. I didn't do that in monogamous relationships. I kind of went along in a dull haze, doing everyday stuff, mostly with them just being there with me in that. Now I do that, but when it's time to spend with a love, I concentrate and invest everything into the moment. I love them with everything I have, for the time I have. At least, I try to. In this way, my love grows.

I do my best to stay as present as possible with everything I do, that I chose to do. I do this when I am with friends, at an event, spending time with my boy. The thing is to find some void time in between, and some time that I do that for myself, or it gets too much and burnout can happen. It's like constant NRE, otherwise. All about balance and boundaries, really.

 

[preciselove]

Love is infinite?

If you consider that meeting someone takes time, and you only have limited time, you will see that love is indeed limited. The time you spend in bed on the Sunday morning with your existing love(s) is less time you spend finding new ones.

Furthermore, the human brain can only have so many active relationships in it, so the brain is finite in its storage capabilities. If you think you can remember the number of siblings, dates of birth, jobs, relationships, names of parents, fond childhood memories, things they like and dislike, places they visit, etc., of even, say, 20 people, then I think you're probably the human equivalent of the internet.

So yes, the more loves you have, the less love you can have with one particular person. However, there are exceptions to this rule. New loves can lessen the amount of life chores needed, and therefore give you more time with your loved one. A more detailed example:

Jane and Joe spend 10 hours a week on housework and cooking, and 44 hours working and traveling to work. They also sleep for 56 hours each week. This equals 110 hours out of 168 hours in the week that is devoted to "non-them" tasks. It leaves them 58 hours of possible "them time."

They both fall in love with a cute girl named Rosy. They drop their work hours down to 30 hours each, because they now have 3 incomes. Their chores go down to 7 hours each. They now have an extra 17 hours each week to spend with each other. Consider that many things we enjoy can be enjoyed with 3 people as with 2, and you'll find the actual quality time Jane and Joe can spend has increased dramatically. Add children into the mix and it just compounds it. Now Jane and Joe can often have time alone, as Rosy takes care of the kids, and vice versa.

This is why closed triads, and to some extent, quads, make the most logical sense of all the polyamorous-relationship types. That said, any closed group of low enough size will have the same qualities, but also have more potential for mishap, as you increase the number of people in the group.

 

[GroundedSpirit]

My thinking has been that I need and want to give all of my romantic, intimate, love to one man, if he were my husband, or committed partner.

Hmm...

So, this is "your" thinking? You've sat back and thought this all through, analyzed the different options, and made a conscious choice that this thought process is the best? That would be very commendable, especially given that the majority of Western society was spoon-fed that model from birth, until it was sufficiently embedded that it would be difficult to discover or dislodge.

And while we're at it, what exactly IS love?
- Is it like a currency, and we can spend ourselves broke, i.e., give it all away?
- Is it tied specifically to some action, i.e., no action = no love?

I don't know.

 

[RitaFire]

This is "your" thinking? You've sat back and thought this all through, analyzed the different options and made a conscious choice that this thought process is the best? That would be very commendable, especially given that the majority of western society was spoon-fed that from birth until it was sufficiently embedded that it would be difficult to discover or dislodge.

What exactly IS love?
Is it like a currency, and we can spend ourselves broke, i.e., "give it all" away?
Is it tied specifically to some action. i.e., no action = no love?

Are you being a bit sarcastic with me?

What works for some may not work for others, or it may take others longer to figure it all out. And I am not being judgmental on the choices one makes on how they want to live their life. What works for them may or may not work for me, or vice versa. I am doing self-reflection, not passing judgement.

I understand the view of the "Monogamy Cult." Rob and I have talked about it extensively.

 

[GroundedSpirit]

Are you being a bit sarcastic with me?

Good catch, Rita. Yes, but in a good way, because there are some legit questions in there.

Where do we get certain ideas and assumptions? It's good to have that question come up, because it's one we don't ask ourselves that often. And the answer is critical.

When we're really trying to understand things, and chart a course we believe is best for ourselves and others we care about, we need solid, accurate facts to base our decisions on. And as we all discover as we mature, we weren't always given the whole truth along the way. Remember the tooth fairy? So we get more skilled at taking a time-out, and looking below the surface of our assumptions.

Love in general is a biggie that way. It's been painted many colors and has many meanings and labels associated with it. How can you have a discussion including a primary word until you have absolute clarity on what that word even means to you? So although I did choose to frame that in a sarcastic way, for the humor value, the question is still an important one.

 

[SourGirl]

I often wonder if our love is diluted when we share it with more than one intimate partner. We only have so much time to share our love, in our thoughts and actions. And it is time that is not spent with one partner but now more than one. That is less to go around. Hence it is diluted, to me. Maybe I have hard time comprehending how Rob and I would be able to give so much of ourselves to more than one intimate partner, without somehow short-changing the other.

No, it grows more so, not less. Think of your brain. We can choose to learn as much as we want in life. The more areas of our brain we open up, the more knowledge we acquire. Many times in life we think to ourselves: "I can't possibly take in any more information!" Well, that might be true in the interim, but it's not true over any period of time.

You don't just learn in one manner, and forget about any other way of obtaining information. Many times, the more you learn, the more you want to learn. So, if there are parts of the brain we slowly open up to, and acquire more information as time goes on, then equate that to parts of the heart.

Now join them together.
*singing* The brain-bone's connected to the heart-bone...

The more you learn about your partner, the more you will love them. It may be a tough love at first, but your love will grow, as long as you always respect each other. The more you are able to learn about yourself, and those you love, the more respect is given. When you are able to get through tough things together, and come out the other side, the love deepens.

Say you are polyamorous, and you have a new flame. That new flame starts out as NRE, which is the beginning of feelings. There may be tough times with your longer-term partner, as you learn how to negotiate new principles you never even knew existed before being polyamorous. However, when you get to the good stuff, the compassion, the compersion, the sacrifice that feels strong, and not out of fear, that's when that love that you thought was all you ever needed grows. Basically, you find new ways to love that you never knew about, until it hits you in that moment.

You love your new partner for what new and exciting things they show you. You love your long-term partner when you see the way they have chosen to grow and learn with you, the way they have been selfless, the way they have encouraged you to be yourself. You love them for all the things they brought you at the beginning of the relationship, as well as the things you`ve learned since then.

Every day, my relationships remind me of why I love whom I love. I am humbled by their generosity and appreciation. I am humbled by their ability to see the forest through the trees. It makes me want to learn more and love more.

As for time-- time is a funny thing. It's quality vs. quantity. Technically, love can be limited by time. Time spent wisely though, never limits love.

The more we learn, the more we know. The more we know, the more we are able to love what we know. It`s really that simple/complicated.

 

[Beodude123]

Rita, one thing I've come across in my thought paths that really helped me was this. While I was thinking that if another came into the picture, it would be more or less a copy of what Jen and I have, that is not the case, and cannot be the case. What you and your hubby have is irreplaceable. The love that you share is immense. If anything, others that come in will be more of a supplementary relationship.

So don't think of it in terms of black and white, since it's pretty much never like that. It is sort of like friends. Different friends fill different roles in your life. I know it's not the same, but the concept is in line.

 

[Penny]

I can only talk from personal experience, but my husband and I have become much closer and our relationship is more loving.

Time management is always an issue, but it's really a separate problem. We have to work to make sure there's enough time for all the loving.

 

[redpepper]

Love is infinite?

If you consider that meeting someone takes time, and you only have limited time, you will see that love is indeed limited. The time you spend in bed on the Sunday morning with your existing love(s) is less time you spend finding new ones

You are talking time, no? In my experience, it is time that limits my love, or tries to. I can feel love and not express it because of time. That doesn't limit love, though.

It's why closed triads, and to some extent quads, make the most logical sense of all the polyamory relationship types. That said, any closed group of small enough size will have the same qualities, but also have more potential for mishap as you increase the number of people in the group.

Logical? Maybe to you, my friend.

Yes, more people seems to increase more potential for drama, or mishaps, as you put it.

 

[Tonberry]

I think saying love is infinite is an exaggeration. I don't think you could possibly love everyone on the planet as a partner, for instance. But I do agree that its limits have to do with time, mostly.

I also think it depends on the people. I have seen people have only one child because they don't believe they'd be able to love two children as intensely as they love one (not that it's the only reason to have a single child, obviously!) and others who find they love their first child more when they have a second one. I've seen people who have only one or two friends and believe that if you have more friends, then they can't be really good friends, and others who have more friends and would feel like an island if they only had one good friend.

I think you can be "mono" in several forms of love. The only thing is that, in our society, it's normal to be "poly" for some things (friends, family) and normal to be "mono" for some others (romantic relationships). However, different people will be fundamentally one or the other in all of these types of love, I believe.

You can be thinking lovingly of several partners at once. You can also be in love as a general state, and not feel that you're in love with A specifically or B specifically. You're in love, that's your state of mind, and there are a number of people who contributed to that state (for instance A and B). Sometimes, being in love can feel more similar to being happy, and in this case you wouldn't say "Who is making you happy? It can't be more than one person." Well it can, if they all contribute to it.

As for time, you can spend time with more than one person at a time. And giving your undivided attention? I'm sorry, but it's never really the case with me. I'll always be thinking about things, at the very least, and that takes some of my attention. During a date, I might be enjoying the food, and that takes some of my attention. It's even more obvious during a movie, and yet I might be holding hands at the same time and enjoying that.

I think people who think with that mono perspective tend to forget that you already give some of your time and/or attention to other things and people. You spend time at work, you spend time sleeping, you spend time enjoying your hobbies. You spend time with your family, with your friends, or on an Internet forum. It's quite possible to be mono and have much less time and attention to give your one partner than a poly person does with each of theirs.

And then sometimes there is a quality aspect to it, as well. When you're together, especially for a long time, not all time spent together will be quality time. It could be spent doing the laundry while your partner is in the next room, or things like that. Yet when you have more partners, it's possible that the quality time is simply condensed. You spend less time with each partner, but it's also much more intense than it used to be. Things like that.

Ultimately, it will depend on the situation, the people involved, the type of relationship, but it's not as easy as "dividing" the amount of love by the amount of partners.

 

[IndieSolo]

I think saying love is infinite is an exaggeration. I don't think you could possibly love everyone on the planet as a partner.

I think love is infinite, without a doubt! That, to me, simply means that it is always there inside of us, never dries up (even though there are times we feel that way when hurting), and is accessible forever. It is infinite because of the fact that you can love, lose that love, and love again. It's not like we're thermometers with mercury inside us and if that thermometer breaks, we can't get the mercury back in. It is a bottomless pool, because love is always there and is the connector among us and the people in our lives. The number of people we love isn't dependent on how much love we have, but how many people we choose to let in close enough to connect with that love... that infinite love.

Time, of course is limited. Our choices are limited. The number of people we can fit into our lives is limited. Love is not.

 

[RitaFire]

What you and your hubby have is irreplaceable. The love that you share is immense. If anything, others that come in will be more of a supplementary relationship.

Interesting... Can you explain that more? When I think of supplements, I think of something that we need because we are missing it. It is something that needs to be added because we are lacking in it. Rob and I talk a lot about this. I wonder if he realized he was poly because he felt he was lacking something with us. He needed that "supplement" because it was not something I could provide. But, he maintains that he is not lacking anything in our relationship. Poly would just bring more.

I am starting to understand a bit, after reading all of your posts, how it could be time management that would make me, or wonder if my partner feels, less loved, when they could be in my heart, and I do care, but am just not able to be with them. That takes trust.

 

[Penny]

Every person that I love is unique, and so is the way I love them. I wouldn't use the term supplementary. The comparison of one love to another is like apples to oranges.

I can't exchange one love for another. I don't find one lacking because I have another. I don't receive less joy from one because I have another. I don't love my love less because I love another.

 

[Ariakas]

Interesting... Can you explain that more? When I think of supplements, I think of something that we need because we are missing it. It is something that needs to be added because we are lacking in it. Rob and I talk a lot about this. I wonder if he realized he was poly because he felt he was lacking something with us. He needed that "supplement" because it was not something I could provide. But, he maintains that he is not lacking anything in our relationship. Poly would just bring more.

Supplement - something added to complete a thing, supply a deficiency, or reinforce or extend a whole.

It doesn't always mean a deficiency. I am not filling a deficiency by having my gf in my life. See Sourgirl's definition above. Its dead on, imo.

There are some poly people who look at poly as a way to fill the jigsaw puzzle of their love life. But not everyone views it this way.

I am starting to understand a bit, after reading all of your posts, how it could be time management that would make me, or wonder if my partner feels, less loved, when they could be in my heart, and I do care, but am just not able to be with them. That takes trust.

No matter how out of touch, or far away, or distant someone is, if they love you, they love you. Just because you love someone else, doesn't take away from the other love.

Intimacy, time, physical connections, etc., those are all things that may be impacted by inviting someone else into your life.

 

[Magdlyn]

Complementary, not supplementary.