No offence intended. Hopefully this will just give you a little different perspective.
When I read the first post in this thread, my immediate mental response was "Well, maybe Nicole is being immature, but it sounds to me like a recurring theme, because you are, as well."
The whole post came off as a temper tantrum. I feel safe in saying that, because I've thrown enough of my own. (Feel free to browse through past threads to see what they read like.
)
Facts:
You all made choices; those choices led to current circumstances
You all are responsible for facing the consequences of your choices
Noah wants Nicole
You don't.
She's there due to choices YOU made, as well
My opinions:
1. It would be unfair to just kick her to the curb.
2. Noah's comment about PMS was ignorant.
3. Educational material on non-violent communication would be good for all three of you. (Buy the book and read it together.)
4. Educational material on PMS would be good for him, at the least.
5. You all need to look for some creative-adaptive solutions, i.e., solutions that allow for all three of you to have your needs met, without any one of you being mistreated, demeaned or otherwise neglected.
6. It's unfair and wrong of you to call her your gf if you don't have those feelings for her. You are lying to yourself and her. Be honest and real; call it a V; build a friendship.
7. It might benefit you to read some of my Wordpress blog, to get a perspective on what you are asking of him.
8. It might benefit Noah to read it, too, to get some perspective on how to more reasonably ask of you what he's needing.
9. You could all benefit from finding Ceoli's thread on this board about being a "third," and read the whole thing, because you are treating your "third" like shit.
If you're sitting down, try to stand up right now. Did you stand up? Oops, too late! You weren't trying, you were standing. How do you try to stand? You're either sitting or standing. We can't really try to do something. As Yoda says, "Do, or do not. There is no try." I just hope, for your sake, Ambleew, that Noah is more committed to doing than he has been, because just trying ain't gonna cut it. And realize that progress can only be determined if it's measurable, so I think you should have an agreement to discuss how it's going within a set timeframe, and if you're still not happy with certain things, more work needs to be done!
NYCindie, I love you! This should just be copied repeatedly all over the place!
Hmm. I'm not necessarily hearing abuse here. Noah may be being brutally honest. The "chip on the shoulder" comment? Well, isn't it true that if he gives up Nicole
for Ambleew, he will be resentful?
Also, regarding the PMS statement? I tend to attribute that to ignorance, rather than malice. We have a whole generation of people who have learned that PMS is a great way to explain things that are confusing to us. It became a convenient excuse not to really listen and try to understand what women are really thinking and feeling. I hope Noah will open his mind a bit and choose to become enlightened! Otherwise, well, maybe he and Nicole deserve each other - ?!
I concur with these two thoughts. Stupid remark about PMS, absolutely. So get some educational info.
Honesty in the "chip on the shoulder" comment-- yes, so accept the honesty for what it is, honest. Honesty isn't about telling someone what they want to hear. It's about telling them the truth, and oftentimes the truth hurts. shrug
As for the attitude that your problems are your problems, again, that's true. His problems are his problems, yours are yours. You need to prioritize finding yourself and identifying your needs and how you can meet your needs. It's not his job. The sooner you do that, the sooner you can find true happiness in
your life, whether that includes him, or not. (I say that lovingly, because it sucks to learn that lesson. I suffered that lesson myself recently enough that it still burns.)
