Long term bf, and now things are serious with new gf

[hellokitty]

I've been with my boyfriend, Jules, 4 and a half years now. Things have always been absolutely perfect. We were the couple all our friends told us they looked up to.

I am bisexual. Jules has always been open to me being physical with other girls, whether he was around or not, as long as I kept him involved and told him about what I was doing. We've played a bit with girls together before, but last summer was the first time we fully brought a girl into our relationship and shared her together. Camille and I were friends. I kinda took care of her as if she were my girlfriend, but I was never happy. I didn't receive as much loving back as I gave. Eventually, Jules came into the picture, and we all started fooling around and having fun, but some stuff happened and we stopped having sex with her. I was frustrated and gave up on her, because she wasn't that great, to be honest.

Around that same time, I met another girl, by chance, Aimee. We started hanging out, and right away I could tell things were different. I've never felt such an intense emotional connection with any "playmates" in the past, which were, for the most part, purely physical and just friendships. I told Jules how I was feeling, and he gave me permission to experience those emotions and take this forming relationship with Aimee to wherever it went. Things took off very quickly from there. I made Aimee my girlfriend within the next month. I fell in love with her almost immediately. The only other person I have truly loved in my life had been Jules.

Things started to get hard for Jules when he saw how attached I was getting to Aimee. He started to get a bit lonely. He asked for permission to see Camille again. I said it was okay. That went terribly. She treated him horribly. There was just no balance without me around. But I was not interested in her, in the least, anymore. I am not comfortable being with any girl other than Aimee at this point. Camille ended up doing things to upset me so greatly I no longer wanted her in our lives, and neither does Jules, now.

He also tried dating another girl, but she had too many issues going on, as well, and ended up hurting him quickly. The most obvious answer would seem to be for Jules to join Aimee and me. But she is a lesbian, and Jules is not attracted to her sexually anyway.

All of the drama between the other girls and Jules has scared me and made me want to distance myself, in a sense. It's made it hard for me to want to help him find someone else to be with, and honestly he says it's not even what he wants. He doesn't want a "2nd girlfriend." He wants someone he and I can share together.

I don't want that right now. Having two relationships, trying to fulfill the needs of two different people, and take care of myself, is more than I can handle at this point. I'm just not interested in more.

Also... and this is what has really been hurting me and eating me up inside... I am finding myself feeling more and more detached from Jules. I'm noticing our differences more and more. I never know what to do for fun with him. Sometimes I feel awkward. He seems harder to please.

The worst part is, I feel so distant from him physically, and especially sexually. I don't feel as much of a spark and connection when we kiss. I am not interested in sex with him. Throughout most of our relationship, it's usually been me initiating sex. I was always the one with a *much* higher libido. I wasn't really satisfied, and felt rejected sometimes, so I stopped trying as hard over time, and we didn't have sex very often.

I tried asking for what I wanted, and often times ended up disappointed. I'm not saying it was all bad, because when we did have sex, a lot of the time it was mind blowing. It's just slowly dissipated. I guess I'd have to say things were at their best when another girl was involved, which made me feel happy but also inadequate.

Jules is absolutely noticing my disinterest and mentioning it. He has asked if I am less attracted to him, and the answer is, quite possibly!

After being with a girl for the past 6 months, and me already being closer to that end of the sexuality spectrum, my feelings and needs have started to change. I feel the most absolutely intense passion and connection. I feel Aimee knows every little touch my body needs, and our kisses feel as if our lips were programmed exactly in tune with one another's. I feel our connection is even stronger because we are both girls and can understand each other on that level. It's just a very different feeling than I've ever had before.

She gives me the soft touches and the romance and the sweetness and tenderness. We are 100% compatible sexually and physically and I have never before felt this satisfied. I am feeling I have always needed a girl.

She is so clean, always showered, smelling good, soft and shaved. Her clothes are fresh from the wash. She brushes her teeth after we eat, so she has fresh breath to kiss me.

Jules is very much a man, and not so soft and smooth, hairy, and not always sparkling clean, which doesn't help with my sexual attraction.

Besides that, I just have not really wanted a hard penis coming at me with its only goal to ejaculate. That's just how I feel sometimes. It makes it hard for me to relax and enjoy myself.

With a girl, you can touch and take your time enjoying every sensation, and it will feel good and satisfying even if you do not need to cum right away. And if you do cum you can play again as soon as you want, or later that day if you choose to.

With boys, he'll be unhappy if he doesn't cum, and that is the main objective. It's harder to take your time, because you don't want to lose the erection, and you don't want him to cum too quick, because unlike girls, the idea of multiple orgasms is rare, as is getting hard again. I just feel unhappy when I think about it. I am feeling like it's just something I have to get through to keep him satisfied, at least. But every time I try to get into it, I am sorta waiting until it's over.

But then I think "Now what? When are these feelings going to end?" I can't continue like this forever; it's not fair to either of us.

I love and care for Jules very much. He does so much for me and has always been there supporting me. We understand each other and have a special bond. I trust him completely and know he would never hurt me. I love his family and am close to them. I want him in my life and I respect him. We have very similar goals for where we want to be in life in the long run. I always thought I would marry him and have children.

Lately I have just been feeling so much more fulfilled with Aimee. I know I want her in my life forever. It's hard feeling myself push away from Jules, and want to be near Aimee more and more. I find myself wanting to rush things with her and spend all my time with her.

Just to clarify, it is more than just physical. We are interested in all the same things; she makes me feel excited and alive; we have a lot of the same goals and are just a perfect match in so many ways. I feel so comfortable and at ease with her and never bored.

My rent (I live alone) is getting to be too expensive for me lately. Aimee's lease is up soon. I have been asking Jules the past couple years to move in with me, but he needs enough space for his work and we haven't been able to afford somewhere like that. He told me he's not comfortable with me living with Aimee before he and I live together. But I'm really having a hard time living alone and I'm not enjoying being responsible for everything myself. I want someone to share it with. There is an affordable house we know we could move into all together, but I don't know...

I just have so many things on my mind.

 

[Breathesgirl]

NRE--you might want to tag search it.

Another housing solution could be to find a place where the three of you could afford to live together (making sure that it doesn't max out the money in case one is laid off, sick, etc.), with three bedrooms, at least.

Not all men are the type to have sex simply to get their own rocks off. Countless times, Breathes has helped me have an orgasm while not wanting anything out of it for himself other than a contented and happy girlfriend.

We were talking about this part last night. One of the most useful workshops we ever attended was one on how to sexually satisfy your partner. I learned ways to better satisfy HIM sexually. Check your local sex shows. They have these workshops.

You don't have to answer this, but it is something to think about: are you an aural, visual, or sensation person? If aural, maybe he could read to you or tell you about some of his fantasies. If visual, maybe he could wear something which is pleasing to you. If sensual, running his fingers lightly over your skin, holding you safely in his arms. The possibilities are endless, really.

 

[IndieSolo]

HelloKitty, It's your apartment, your life. No one can live it for you. Make your own decision. If you want Aimee to live with you, ask her. Jules may object, but ultimately you belong to no one.

It seems obvious to me, from what you've written, that Jules feels a certain sense of ownership over you: surrounding your living situation, giving you "permission" to be with women, etc. He didn't feel comfortable with you having another partner and brooded about it, tried to be involved with other women, but that didn't work. Interesting that the sex started fizzling out after that, but possibly not a coincidence. I'm not surprised, actually. The fact that you have less interest in Jules could be that you are sensing in him his ambivalence (or discouragement? resentment?) toward you over having this new, loving relationship in which he feels excluded. It sounds like plain old jealousy to me.

It may very well be that your relationship with him is coming to a close. Some relationships are finite and not meant to last forever. They have a beginning, middle, and end, and that doesn't negate the good times. But it also could be that he is envious and can't deal with it and you're picking up on it. Some people deal with difficult feelings by basically having a sort of tantrum, which isn't very attractive, especially when being with Aimee feels so joyous and free. I think you need to communicate and see if there are any difficult emotions underneath it all, on his part, which are sabotaging what you have.

I would also reevaluate how much say he has in your life. Is he a partner with whom to move forward in life, encouraging you to grow and be yourself, or a dictator wannabe who pouts when you find satisfaction and joy with other people?

 

[hellokitty]

Thanks for your replies. I think finding a way to reconnect sexually would help wonders. He may be a bit jealous and feeling left out, but he also tells me often how much he wants me to have this relationship with Aimee, and how important it is for him to see me having what I need. He does (admittedly) feel the need to have some control over the situation and the need to be the #1 person in my life. I understand that insecurity, but also know if I truly want something, and feel it's right, I won't let anyone stop me. I do, however, respect him and our relationship (as does Aimee.) I love him and don't want to lose him and am thinking, hoping, this is just a bump in the road. That's how he views it. He says all the hard times he and I have had the past few months are just growing pains. So he is trying to be understanding, as am I.

Having some other opinions/perspectives helps. Thank you!

 

[BlackUnicorn]

HelloKitty, welcome and well met!

I very much understand what you are going through. From reading how you describe your situation, it seems you might actually be gay, or so close that it makes no difference. This obviously makes things with your long-term bf a bit hard. Have you discussed this option? There are mixed-orientation relationships out there, but they are hard work.

I am not sure if all the three of you moving in together at this point would be a good thing, or only aggravate the situation further.

 

[TruckerPete]

HelloKitty, welcome and well met!

It seems you might actually be gay. This obviously makes things with a long-term bf a bit hard. Have you discussed this option? There are mixed-orientation relationships out there, but they are hard work.

I am not sure if all the three of you moving in together at this point would be a good thing or only aggravate the situation further.

My thoughts also.

 

[hellokitty]

What do you mean by mixed-orientation relationships? I have considered that option from time to time. But I go through periods where I am very clearly bi, and other times when I think maybe I don't care for guys. I've always longed for the security I feel with a man, and the sensuality I feel with a woman. Now I have both in one girl, and it makes me shy away from the idea of men altogether (sexually).

Jules has expressed fears about this exact idea, of me losing my attraction to him and interest in men in general. It's a valid fear, but I'm too afraid to let go of him and admit or accept anything like that. I don't think it's what I want; I love him.

I don't know if it would be a good idea for us to all move in together, either. I think he might get jealous, and I might feel awkward, mostly because Aimee and I are so affectionate (not in your face physically, but just doing cute things together, always joking around and having fun) and also well, as I said earlier, we have sex much much much more than Jules and I do. How do you have a normal sex life with each partner with the other living in the same house?

I also would like them to be closer and more comfortable around each other before we even think of living together. They get along, but both seem a bit reserved when the three of us hang out.

 

[BlackUnicorn]

What do you mean by mixed-orientation relationships?

A mixed-orientation relationship is where one partner is sexual and the other partner asexual, or one partner prefers another gender from which their partner identifies with, or one is poly while the other one is mono, one is kinky in a way that the other partner doesn't share, etc. I have a mixed-orientation relationship with a girlfriend who is straight, so we are not sexually intimate, but that is bit of a non-issue because of the poly thing.

I have considered that option from time to time, but I go through periods where I am very clearly bi, and other times when I think maybe I don't care for guys.

I think most bi girls have phases. I like to call myself a flexbian (or homoflexible) because I don't mind sex with men and have a passionate relationship with one, but if I hadn't met Sweetheart, and had had the same-sex experiences I have now, I think I wouldn't bother about men at all on any other than friendship level. Even if you are now gay, or moving towards it, it doesn't mean you couldn't go back to bi some time later in your life. Many women have.

I've always longed for the security I feel with a man, and the sensuality I feel with a woman. Now I have both in one girl and it makes me shy away from the idea of men altogether (sexually). Jules has expressed fears about this exact idea, of me losing my attraction to him and interest in men in general. It's a valid fear, but I'm too afraid to let go of him and admit or accept anything like that. I don't think it's what I want; I love him.

As said, you can continue to live and love together, but the dynamics will change. You can try to channel your feelings of love for him to be able to interact with him sexually for his benefit, although it no longer gives you the kick it used to; you can try discussing things like personal hygiene and grooming in a constructive, non-judgmental way; you can go to sex therapy or learn about tantric sex or some other technique where male ejaculative orgasm isn't the ultimate goal of sexual interaction.

How do you have a normal sex life with each partner with the other living in the same house?

You share. You look for windows of opportunity. You live on compersion. You make dates. You alternate sleeping arrangements. (I'm involved with a couple with small children and we have a raucous sex life! It can be done.)

I also would like them to be closer and more comfortable around each other before we even think of living together. They get along, but both seem a bit reserved when we three hang out.

I don't see this ever working unless your partners are able to be friends. Chosen family requires voluntary mutual commitment from everyone involved to work.