Went out on a limb, now in limbo

L

limbo

New member
I told my friend Devin that I "like like" him. (He is not poly.) I'm married. My interest is in a mutual friend. Of course, I discussed my feelings with my husband, Dorian, who agreed I could go for it.

I whispered "I like like you" to Devin when our other friends weren't around to hear. It was the worst setting, and I was a bit buzzed, but that's why I said it, because I felt brave enough, like, it was now or never. We didn't discuss anything else that night pertaining to that matter.

The next day, I texted him to explain. Devin seemed baffled. He was saying all the "appropriate" things. He said he didn't want to hurt Dorian, or me, for that matter. He said he valued our friendship, the one the three of us share. We are all really close friends, best friends, even.

I apologized to the would-be secondary, and I'm thinking, well, I've been rejected, but at least I still have a friend. I don't know if he thought I was backing out, or exactly what did it, but then he says, "We shouldn't bury this. It shouldn't be discussed further." Do any of you know what or where he's coming from? I asked him to clarify, but he said he was choosing to repress it. I don't want to be pushy, so I'll leave it to him to pick up on this "discussion." I'm confused about where I stand, where we stand, and what the consequences of my actions are.

What do you think? Do any of you have any perspective on what he may be going through?
 
Just ask him those very questions. Simple and plain. I know a bit of his perspective as far as not wanting to hurt Dorian. That in itself is a very good sign. I am a firm believer that a secondary has to care for both partners and hold the primaries above everything else.

Devin's got a lot going through his head, maybe even trying to decide if he is poly-capable, as well.

Just ask him. Vagueness is tiring and a waste of energy, IMHO.
 
MonoVCPHG said:
Just ask him those very questions. Simple and plain. I know a bit of his perspective as far as not wanting to hurt your Dorian. That in itself is a very good sign. I am a firm believer that a secondary has to care for both partners and hold the primaries above everything else.

He's got a lot going through his head, maybe even trying to decide if he is poly-capable, as well.

Just ask him. Vagueness is tiring and a waste of energy, IMHO.
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I like being direct too, but I don't want to bombard him with questions he may not know the answers to yet. He's out of town, and will be back in two days. I think if he doesn't talk to me by Thursday, I'll have to ask him if we're done discussing any more poly stuff, and go on as if I never said anything, point blank.

He claims Dorian is the luckiest man in the world, and he wishes I had a twin sister! But I think I read it elsewhere that he is what is called a "conditioned mono," and whatever he feels for me, he just can't ever go there.

Thank you for replying. It feels good to have some guidance.
 
First, what sticks out to me, is you were drinking when you brought it up. I have a number of straight (really straight) friends who will flirt with me when they are drinking because they know I am safe. They also know I am bi, and several have asked me if I would ever go for them when they were drinking. (My general answer is NO NO NO.)

He very well could be thinking, "Wow, that was daring of her. I wonder if she regrets it?"

Then when you clarified, he might be thinking, "God she's gonna get me killed (by Dorian)."

He very well may have never considered the possibility before.

Or

He might have used it as a fantasy, but never thought it was a real possibility.

Either way, he might feel like he just needs some time to process the whole thing. Heck, even single people getting offered a relationship from a single friend need to think it over first, because there is inevitably risk involved.

Check out the thread on "The thirdness of being a third" (I think that is the name) by Ceoli. I might enlighten you to some of what Devin may have to "look forward to," so to speak, in this situation. Well worth the read, anyway.

I would give him his time away to think. Then let him know briefly when he returns that "When you are ready to talk, I'm looking forward to the discussion."

Then when/if he's ready to discuss, ask all those questions you asked here.
 
limbo said:
I'll have to ask him if we're done discussing poly stuff, and go on as if I never said anything.

He claims Dorian is the luckiest man in the world, and he wishes I had a twin sister. But I think I read it elsewhere that he is what is called a "conditioned mono," and whatever he feels for me, he just can't ever go there.
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This is very refreshing! Being able to recognize the potential of a friendship and accepting the limits of its depth is very important. Maybe he will embrace this opportunity, or maybe you will maintain your friendship as is. Either way, I hope you all are happy and healthy.
 
LovingRadiance said:
Check out the thread on "the thirdness of being a third" by Ceoli. It might enlighten you to some of what HE may have to "look forward to" in this situation.

I would give him his time away to think. Then let him know briefly when he returns that "When you are ready to talk, I'm looking forward to the discussion".
Then when/if he's ready to discuss, ask all those questions you asked here.
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Wow, thank you so much. I've done several searches on this site and on the web in general hoping to find a thread discussing a similar experience. I'm so grateful and so impressed by the help offered on this forum.
 
He'd be in a different dynamic than Ceoli, but definitely look at the stories of people on here. He'd be entering almost the same dynamic as me.
 
Yes, as Mono said, he would be in a very different position then Ceoli, but the emotions and feelings she brings up (and others on her thread) are all pertinent for him.

He doesn't have a way to know that his position, if he accepts, is concrete. That's a lot for anyone to deal with. Just thinking that you might be disposable is enough to set someone's teeth on edge in love and relationships.

Mono and RP seem to have gotten their train on a kick-butt track. But in order to do that, you and Dorian need to be sure that you address Devin's needs, desires, fears, concerns as equally as you would your own.

As a wife who's in a V relationship, I understand well all the risks my boyfriend takes in trusting in the permanence of our love and our relationship. Because when push comes to shove, usually the "third" gets the losing end of the stick for the "benefit" of the original couple.

I don't know that I could ever be a "third" because of that. You are asking a lot of this man. (Nothing personal. I have, as well.) He deserves time to seriously consider if it's worth it to him.
 
LovingRadiance said:
You are asking a lot of this man. He deserves time to seriously consider if it's worth it to him.
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Well said, LR. I would agree with this. Polyamory can blow the mind of a seemingly-uneducated mono. He needs some time and a discussion about what you intend to achieve with a secondary, any secondary, with no pressure on him.

After explaining where you are coming from, what polyamory is, and what it means to you, tell Devin that you enjoy his friendship and feel you could have something more with him. After that, tell him you are going to leave him to himself, and would like it if he would be willing to check in if he is interested., then leave it alone and see where it goes next.

Remember, he may say, "No thanks," but at least you got some practice out of it and will be better at your game next time. No harm in that. Just don't invest too much emotion in him until you know he is game. If he isn't, then graciously give him space and act as if you are not affected. He doesn't need your drama, especially if he is kind enough to let you down nicely, and especially if you want to stay friends. There is nothing less appealing than a whiny friend. :p
 
Thank you, RP. Only this week, some posts you made, and some posts that Ceoli made, brought my husband to his knees, so to speak, about the importance of considering ALL the people in the situation, not just one or two, or even worse, oneself.

It's very important that we all remember, each of us in a relationship has a different view of that relationship and how it impacts us personally. We must communicate, and we must accept our differences in order to progress.

I'm not a "third" in my situation. The "third" in our V is my boyfriend. I love and care for him deeply, just as I love and care for Maca deeply. I am more conscious (naturally) of his needs then Maca is. So Maca has to work a little harder to remember to take them into consideration. Reading the OP's first post really brought that all home.

Not being in a relationship of that depth with Devin yet, she can't fully know his feelings or reactions, and maybe she's never been propositioned as he has been, so she doesn't know. I always appreciate someone reminding me that things might appear different to the other person when I'm feeling a bit lost or insecure.

To the OP: you are already friends. If that friendship is as good as you deem it, then he'll at least be able to come back around to discuss with you his feelings. And from there, who knows?
 
LovingRadiance said:
You are already friends. If that friendship is as good as you deem it, then he'll at least be able to come back around to discuss with you his feelings. And from there, who knows?
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Devin wrote me an email. He said he would be lying to me if he said he didn't have feelings for me too. He said he's felt guilty for having romantic feelings, and he had tried to deny them, rationalizing men and women feel more affection for one another. He had sworn he'd never tell me (he's got great self-control), and even considered not writing me an email telling me the truth. He would never try to steal a buddy's girl, he says.

He also considers that a part of human nature is jealousy and competition, so with that in mind, he doesn't want to to adversely affect my relationship with Dorian. And truth be told, I'm also afraid of how badly it could all end. He ended his email with, "I'm confused." So am I.

This guy isn't just a casual friend. He's a person I want to keep in my life, forever, if that's possible. He says that he already feels bad for his future wife (whoever she will be) because he and I will have a closer friendship. I also worry, what if Dorian takes second place?
 
You, Dorian and Devin, read up on the jealousy stuff. When Violet and I did, and we're not jealous people like most, it changed our respective outlooks DRAMATICALLY. Looking at jealousy from the new perspective of "Jealousy isn't an issue, it's a symptom. What's the issue?" before acting on it has changed me overnight. Gaining this perspective before entering into the complicated waters of poly relationships is invaluable.

When people who have thought in terms of traditional relationships (as defined for the last few generations, anyway) face something like this, it's always confusing! Work it through, and decide where everyone stands, 100% openly and honestly. It will take several of these "sessions" before things begin to take shape and the excitement sets in.

Dorian will never take 2nd place if your mind is right. For instance, Violet worried that Anne might become the love of my life at first, until I explained that even though equality is important in our situation, I will never be able to feel quite as much for Anne, much less more, as I do for her, because she (Violet) is the one who opened my eyes and allowed me to feel these things, allowed me to explore things with Anne. In a sense, I see her as responsible to a small degree for all the joy and love that Anne and I share. That feeling and thought process carries a LOT of weight.
People will say what they'll say about it. I recommend looking at everything about the relationship with Devin (if it comes together) through the lens of how wonderful Dorian is for understanding and not hindering, helping even, this new development. The better things get with Devin, the stronger your love for the person in your life who made it possible.

Violet has now started to experience this, as she and Anne explore the very deep feelings developing between them, and she thanks me in gushes for bringing her into our lives, all while I'm saying no, it's you who let it grow and allowed me to feel it, thank YOU. And we both feel this incredible gratitude and love for Anne for being open to the concept (completely foreign to her) and willingness to follow her own feelings. While I thank Anne for opening up to her feelings about me, and trusting in Violet and me to respect her position and heart, and Violet and Anne are thanking each other for being so understanding and respectful of each others feelings for me. Around and around it goes, stronger with every orbit. It's a very powerful thing.
 
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HappiestManAlive said:
Dorian will never take 2nd place if your mind is right. For instance, Violet worried that Anne might become the love of my life at first, until I explained that even though equality is important in our situation, I will never be able to feel quite as much for Anne, much less more, as I do for her, because she (Violet) is the one who opened my eyes and allowed me to feel these things, allowed me to explore things with Anne. In a sense, I see her as responsible, to a small degree, for all the joy and love that Anne and I share. That feeling and thought process carries a lot of weight.
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Just out of curiosity, does Anne know this, in those terms?
 
Absolutely. And she knows the rest of it too - the part you chose not to quote, that includes her in the happiness/love/gratitude circle of increasing emotion and love.

Because it goes around like that, every increase in feeling for one results in an increase for the other, which results in an increase for the other, and back and forth and around. Nobody is loved "more" than anyone else, because when they are, we feel more love for the rest through it. Nobody gets left out. Everyone builds and builds. It's amazing.

Last night was a perfect example of this phenomenon. I truly feel sorry for people who don't have it.
 
HappiestManAlive said:
Absolutely. And she knows the rest of it too, the part you chose not to quote, that includes her in the happiness/love/gratitude circle of increasing emotion and love.

Because it goes around like that, every increase in feeling for one results in an increase for the other, which results in an increase for the other, and back and forth and around. Nobody is loved "more" than anyone else, because when they are, we feel more love for the rest through it. Nobody gets left out, everyone builds and builds. It's amazing.

Last night was a perfect example of this phenomenon; I truly feel sorry for people who don't have it.
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I chose to quote the part I was trying to understand more. Didn't see it as necessary to quote the other stuff.

That's wonderful that you have that arrangement and that it's working out for you. Just keep in mind that people who don't have that may not always need to be felt sorry for. It just might not be the right kind of arrangement that meets their needs.

I know that for myself, in a closed poly-fi triad, when I hear that one partner needs the reassurance that they will be loved slightly more than the other partner in order to feel comfortable, it would not be something I'd be comfortable with. I have no problem with that kind of dynamic in a V, though even then, I prefer to think of it as loving each partner differently, not more or less. That may not be what you meant by it, but I find it difficult to translate what you said in any other way. Either way, what's good for the goose is not always good for the gander.

But seriously, it's fantastic that it's working out for you and I really do wish you the best of luck!
 
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