Rocky Start

P

Polyphemus

New member
Diary style post.

We've been married for 10 years. I've always thought that open relationships were a good idea. My wife Nin scoffed the first time I mentioned it. But we have experimented with others, which we now regret. We've had crushes on other people, but hadn't really felt the NRE with anyone else... until recently.

I think Nin is in love, but she doesn't call it that. She says it's a just a big crush, and she's obsessed with him (John). When this started, I could tell something new was up, but we hadn't been able to put it in words. I really freaked out a couple of times, including crying, depression, really bad thoughts. I felt betrayed. I had done a lot of reading on the subject, and I was surprised I reacted that way.

I'm doing better in that department now. I'm very supportive, and I believe my jealously is under control. I do have to reassure myself when I get bad thoughts. But I've always really wanted this, and I'm working on it.

We have a wonderful relationship, great communication. We have no secrets. We support each other.

She can't be with John because he is in a couple with her best friend, Sue, who has said she doesn't want to share. That makes Nin very sad, and she's often depressed about it. This brings me down too, sometimes.

Thanks for this space. I love this community.
 
Yep, they've chatted quite a bit, sometimes quite steamy chats. They probably could have had sex about a month ago, but that was when I had a bout of depression, and I asked for the relationship to be closed for a while.
 
I'm glad they respected that. How does his girlfriend Sue come into play? If she is not willing to share, how could John share sex with Nin? Is he thinking of ending his relationship with Sue to pursue a poly path?
 
Thanks for the welcome. I found this place two days ago and I thinks it's soooo awesome.

He had just broken up with his old girlfriend, and he told my partner Nin about it. Two days later Nin's best friend Sue swooped in. There was a small window where Nin and John could have gotten together. Nin resents me a tiny bit for the missed opportunity, which upsets me.

On this forum, do most people have primary and secondary relationships? Or do most think things should always be as equal as possible?
 
I think there is a deluded sense that things "should" be equal... but as George Orwell wrote, "some are more equal than others".

Some people beat themselves up trying to "force" equality rather than achieving said "equality" by letting the "Un-equality" exist and run its course.

This is being discussed in at least two other threads on this forum. I wish people would read older messages. They are not that old, this forum has been up for less than a year; there is a lot of good information people have taken the time to think over and type out, and it's obvious that new people don't read them because they ask the same basic questions that have already been discussed at great length and in great detail. It would be one thing if someone walked into a conversation in the middle of a party and needed to be brought up to speed verbally, but here we have the benefit of archiving all our discussions with a variety of ways to search for what we want, or to browse the menu categories. It boggles my mind how many folks fail to utilize this resource to its fullest capacity.

I'm just saying...
 
Polyphemus said:
On this forum, do most people have primary and secondary relationships? Or do most think things should always be as equal as possible?
Click to expand...
In polyamorous relationships, as in much of life, "one size des not fit all." Each relationship and situation is unique. There are primaries, secondaries, teritiaries, Vs, triads, quads, open marriages, networks, and just about anything one can conceive of.
 
Polyphemus said:
He had just broken up with his old girlfriend, and he told my Nin about it. Two days later Nins best friend swooped in. There was a small window were they could have gotten together. Nin resents me a tiny bit for the missed opportunity. Which upsets me.
Click to expand...


I missed this before.

Why the fsck should she resent YOU for that??

I'd be upset too if I were in your place. In fact, I'm almost upset FOR you.
 
YGirl said:
I think there is a deluded sense that things "should" be equal... but as George Orwell wrote, "some are more equal than others".

Some people beat themselves up trying to "force" equality rather than achieving said "equality" by letting the "Un-equality" exist and run its course.
Click to expand...

I think how we define equality is the issue. I prefer to think of things as "fair" rather than equal. Fairness is more along the lines of "equal opportunity to have my needs met in a relationship". Knowing that my needs are not going to be the same as other people's needs and that there is always going to be a balance. However, in that balancing act, my needs are being taken into consideration rather than being trumped by the needs or insecurities of another partner.

(and I see nothing wrong with with topics showing up in more than one thread....there are always differences and nuances, and there has never been a perfectly compartmentalized forum in the history of the internet)
 
Ceoli said:
I think how we define equality is the issue. I prefer to think of things as "fair" rather than equal. Fairness is more along the lines of "equal opportunity to have my needs met in a relationship". Knowing that my needs are not going to be the same as other people's needs and that there is always going to be a balance. However, in that balancing act, my needs are being taken into consideration rather than being trumped by the needs or insecurities of another partner.
Click to expand...

That is a good point. Fairness.

Ceoli said:
(and I see nothing wrong with with topics showing up in more than one thread....there are always differences and nuances, and there has never been a perfectly compartmentalized forum in the history of the internet)
Click to expand...

I meant to encourage folks to go searching for those other threads rather than me doing it for them. I did not mean that a topic should be confined to one thread only.
 
You're right YGirl, I was being lazy. I like your assertive/aggressive style. :)

I'm feeling the NRE very strongly right now. The weekend was lots of fun. Met a new friend at the show and the energy was strong! We wanted each other sooo bad, but we chose not to act on it, we just danced together and hung about for a while.

Nin and I are still new to this, so we've decided to ask permission first before we do anything with anyone else. That would make it difficult to be spontaneous, but we don't want to rush into things.

But it turns out that my new crush has an SO who would not be okay with her dancing with me, much less anything else. Gah, I hate it when that happens. Nin and I have agreed to not cheat with people in mono relationships. It's so hard just being friends when you really want each other.

Nin's really strong NRE with John has waned quite a bit. She was hoping that would happen, since she couldn't have him.

Nin and I have really fantastic sex last Friday and last night. I think we're getting back into our groove. The few bumbs we had in the last few months are smoothing out.

This forum is amazing.
 
Last edited:
Polyphemus said:
The few bumbs we had in the last few months are smoothing out.

This forum is amazing.
Click to expand...


I have to say it. It's in my nature... I can't hold back.

"I'm glad the few bumbs you've had are smoothing out. Usually they have really bad skin." HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Forgive me. I'm mono.
 
Polyphemus said:
On this forum, do most people have primary and secondary relationships? Or do most think things should always be as equal as possible?
Click to expand...

Personally I think of relationships as equal in nature if each person in any given relationship are recieving what they need. But it's never identical.

For example:
I tend to have sex much more often with Maca (who is my husband) because he wants it more often and it's a more central part of our relationship. But I tend to cuddle, talk and just... be with C more, because that is more central to our relationship. C and I tend to be more affectionate in general, while Maca and I are much much more sexually suggestive in our affection. Obviously very different dynamics, but I consider them equally important and don't consider one's needs more important than the other's.

Ironically, Maca tends to be more insecure than C, and he tends to be more concerned about what other people see/think. So as a rule of thumb, C and I defer to his feelings in those areas, because C is simply not insecure in our relationship and very rarely needs that extra reassurance.

For example, this morning I was laying in bed with C just talking, cuddling and catching up on a weeks worth of busy-ness. Maca called. He felt anxious. We talked. C was fine with the interuption and played with our Baby Girl while I talked to Maca. Then C and I got the morning started together with the kids and went for our morning walk.

Maca said maybe he shouldn't call and interrupt our mornings. But that's silly. He needed to talk to me, needed the reassurance of hearing my voice, and that didn't bother C, so it shouldn't be a big deal for him to call me.

On the other hand, if I were lying in bed with Maca, I would probably not answer a call from C. First of all, it's not likely that it's important, because generally his life is pretty predictable and doesn't require my involvement to keep it going smoothly. But more than that, he simply isn't insecure, or in need of that contact, so I would wait until I wasn't in bed with Maca to talk to him. Additionally, it would bother Maca, because he would feel like our time wasn't as meaningful to me as it was to him. That isn't true. And again, C doesn't NEED the reassurance, so there isn't a point in triggering that with Maca.

That said, it is important to be upfront and allow a person to face their insecurities. So I don't try to pretend that Maca's neediness shouldn't be something he's working on (which he is, and he's doing a good job of it too), but I don't try to shove it down his throat, either.

So, to me, they are equal, but equal is often quite different.
 
Ceoli said:
I think how we define equality is the issue. I prefer to think of things as "fair" rather than equal. Fairness is more along the lines of "equal opportunity to have my needs met in a relationship". Knowing that my needs are not going to be the same as other people's needs and that there is always going to be a balance. However, in that balancing act, my needs are being taken into consideration rather than being trumped by the needs or insecurities of another partner.

(and I see nothing wrong with with topics showing up in more than one thread....there are always differences and nuances, and there has never been a perfectly compartmentalized forum in the history of the internet)
Click to expand...


That explains my thoughts well. I have needs, Maca had needs, C has needs, but they aren't the same. The RIGHT thing is for all of us to take each other's needs into consideration and to be sure we are all getting our needs met. Sometimes people get so caught up in definitions or meanings they forget the point. The point is to care for and love one another, which means taking time to consider their needs, as well as our own. :)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top