poly or swinging

[AutumnalTone]

They aren't, although some people would like them to be.

I've often heard that claim made, yet haven't met anybody who matches that description. I've also been accused of that very thing, when such is far from the truth. Have you actually met somebody who would prefer that the two be mutually exclusive? I have met lots of folk who are adamant about not allowing others to conflate the two; I can't say that any of them have offered up that they'd prefer the two to be exclusive of each other.

 

[Ariakas]

I've often heard that claim made, yet haven't met anybody who matches that description. I've also been accused of that very thing, when such is far from the truth.

Sorry, are you asking me if I have met people capable of both swinging and poly? Separately. Yes, I have. I know swingers who fuck to fuck and realize they can love. I have met people who live it like that. Poly for them is simply a capability, not a life. They don't love everyone they have sex with. And in fact, some might say they prefer sex without the love.

You can also find examples on swing forums and Fetlife. Lots of people see non-monogamy as a series of possibilities, instead of requirements.

Unless I am mistaken about what you are asking, which could be true. My head is a little fried from the goings-on in my life.

 

[IndieSolo]

I am really not sure what the question is here, but I will say (even though I'm not sure if I am answering correctly) that the person I met who first introduced me to polyamory was also a swinger. She and her boyfriend do keep it separate. They have a polyamorous relationship, see other people on an emotionally intimate level, and also regularly go to swing clubs and sex parties together, where they sometimes engage in sex with other people, and sometimes just have sex with each other in that environment.

 

[AutumnalTone]

Are you asking me if I have met people capable of both swinging and poly?

Nope. This is the important question: "Have you actually met somebody who would prefer that the two be mutually exclusive?"

We have folks on here who are poly and also swing. It's nothing unusual. I haven't met anybody who would claim that the two are mutually exclusive, nor have I met anybody who says they would want them to be exclusive.

 

[AutumnalTone]

As someone who has been in swinging environments, I'm reluctant to say that swinging is simply "sex" without "love" involved. It CAN be a simple sexual encounter at a club, BUT there are also many websites devoted to swingers where the parties involved are truly interested in building a connection prior to meeting. Heck, I've met with couples I've found through online swinging sites for dinner, and shared months worth of emails and pictures without ever reaching the "sex" stage. I found couples looking for connections just as common as those wanting that random encounter.

Are they establishing romantic relationships? If so, then they're using swinging as a way to find partners for poly. If they're just establishing friendships, then I'd say they're still swinging. Nobody says sport-fucking can't be with friends.

Again, folks can swing AND practice polyamory. That doesn't make them the same thing.

 

[AlexieNichole]

poly vs swinging

I guess it depends on what you mean by swinging, but before we met through an online adult site, my husband would go to adult parties which, from what he told me, were essentially swinger parties. Not completely anonymous. They each knew each other.

He's actually been trying for a while to get me interested in going with him sometimes, but I don't have any interest in it. After I started hanging out with a male friend at work and started getting playful with each, my husband thought I might be more interested in going to a party with him. I told him (and my male friend) that there is a difference to me. Going to a party and just hooking up with someone for sex, vs taking my time to get to know someone and there being an emotional attachment of some type (like with my male friend), I prefer that.

AlexieNichole

 

[swingers]

Would you say that swing is to poly as promiscuity is to mono?

Would you say that the swinger lifestyle has a natural progression into the polyamorous lifestyle? Just the same as partying around, and promiscuous hetero sex is (by some people's definition of regular human life) a natural stepping stone to a monogamous marriage? Or are there people that are born to be poly, swingers, kinky, bi, gay, lesbian, and straight? Or is it just another attempt to put a label on something that is a fluid progression through the spectrum of humans exploring our emotions?

 

[IndieSolo]

Here we go with the word lifestyle again...

No!! I wouldn't ever think that swinging is a "natural" step to take towards polyamory. Yes, swinging is a type of non-monogamy, and polyamory is a type of non-monogamy, but swinging is definitely NOT part of every person's journey into poly (omigosh!!!). It seems lots of swingers wind up drawn to poly because they want more than what swinging offers, BUT plenty of poly peeps have never done swinging, never want to swing, and many feel disdain toward it (though many poly peeps also swing and are really into it, as well). I think there are lots of ways people find themselves embracing polyamory, and there aren't any specific preliminary stages at which they must begin, in order to "progress" there. Really, you can just jump right in!

And yes, some people feel they are wired poly or wired mono (not my view, though).

Polyamory is about love, not sex.

Also, I don't see the correlation between promiscuity and monogamy. Plenty of people are monogamous without ever having been promiscuous, and plenty of people who are promiscuous never wind up monogamous.

 

[swingers]

Thank you for your reply. This of course is not my view, but I have seen it a lot. But I dare ask (I am a swinger), why do you call it a "type of non-monogamy" instead of a lifestyle? What is wrong with that word?

 

[IndieSolo]

Well, don't swinging and polyamory both come under the umbrella of non-monogamy, even though they're very different?

As for the word "lifestyle," I provided a link in my first post to a thread where we discussed how misleading the term is. The word "lifestyle" in my first sentence leads here: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9113

Swinging is a type of non-monogamous sexual activity, but people who swing can lead a variety of different kinds of lifestyles, can't they? Swingers call it a lifestyle, but that is just a way of coining their own terminology and a bit of laziness with the English language.

Polyamory is a way of cultivating multiple loving relationships into one's life, but there is no one lifestyle that represents poly. So many ways to live polyamorously! There could be three, four, five, or many more people involved with each other, of any orientation, gender, what-have-you, living together or not. Poly people can be conservative and religious, liberal hippies and anything in between and beyond. There are numerous types of lifestyles people lead in which these choices can be incorporated, so there is no ONE poly lifestyle. I would say there can be no one swinging lifestyle, although there seem to be practices that are widely shared and understood.

If someone came here and said, "Tell me how to have a poly lifestyle," there is no way to answer that. They would have to look at how they live already and how they could fit polyamory into that.

To get back to your original question, then, isn't it obvious that polyamory is something people can have in their lives without ever swinging first? There are people who consider themselves polyamorous who have non-sexual partners, in fact. If someone just wants to expand and explore loving or being intimate with more than one partner, they certainly don't need to try swinging to get there!

 

[swingers]

In the wikipedia search for "alternative lifestyle" swinging and polyamory, along with a few others, are listed. Also in wikipedia "lifestyle (sociology)" it basically says that a lifestyle is how one lives their life. So wouldn't polyamory fall into the category of a lifestyle, if it is how someone lives their life? And if they say that polyamory isn't their lifestyle and they practice it, would that mean that poly is simply their "flavor of the month"?

No offence meant. I am just trying to understand why poly isn't considered a lifestyle, when by definition it clearly is.

 

[Ariakas]

in the wikipedia search for "alternative lifestyle" swinging and polyamory along with a few others are listed. also in wikipedia "lifestyle (sociology)" it basically says that a lifestyle is how one lives their life... so wouldn't polyamory fall into the category of a lifestyle if it is how someone lives their life? and if they say that polyamory isnt their lifestyle and they practice it, would that mean that poly is simply their "flavor of the month"?

No offence meant, i am just trying to understand why poly isn't considered a lifestyle, when by definition it clearly is.

Regardless of the definition, the implication of lifestyle is a grander more inclusive "lifestyle." For most of us this is simply relationships, love and dating. There is no other part of my life that is poly beyond the relationships itself. There isn't a monogamous lifestyle because of all the massive diversity within monogamy. The same applies for some of us in poly. However, I would bet there are some poly lifestylers.. *shrugs*.. To each their own.

 

[swingers]

So you're saying that, for it to be considered a lifestyle, you have to fall within a certain context? That because you consider it the way you feel, not a conscious choice? Does that mean that if you choose to be involved in polyamory, instead of simply feeling polyamorous, that that makes you a lifestyler?

 

[NeonKaos]

so your saying that, for it to be considered a lifestyle, you have to fall withing a certain context? that because you consider it the way you feel, not a concious choice? so does that mean that if you choose to be involved inpolyamory instead of simply feeling polyamourus that that makes you a lifestyler?

The way I see it, polyamory is a state of mind and swinging is an activity. In fact, I don't see how anyone can describe them to be otherwise, Wikipedia or no Wikipedia. Polyamory is not "an activity", and swinging is not "a state of mind".

I beg for forgiveness for this post from all Korzybski fans out there.

 

[Ariakas]

For it to be considered a lifestyle, you have to fall withing a certain context? that because you consider it the way you feel, not a conscious choice? so does that mean that if you choose to be involved in polyamory instead of simply feeling polyamourus that that makes you a lifestyler?

Nope. That's not how I separate the two. I am poly. But there is no greater lifestyle attached to it. To look at my life I am a straight male, conservative, who has the fortune of being able to love more than one person. There is no "lifestyle" attached to my life.

 

[IndieSolo]

in the wikipedia search for "alternative lifestyle" swinging and polyamory along with a few others are listed. also in wikipedia "lifestyle (sociology)" it basically says that a lifestyle is how one lives their life... so wouldnt polyamory fall into the category of a lifestyle if it is how someone lives their life? and id they say that polyamory isnt their lifestyle and they practice it, would that mean that poly is simply their "flavor of the month"?

no offence meant, i am just trying to understand why poly isnt considered a lifestyle when by definition it clearly is.

If what, exactly, is how they live their life? What is the "it" that is polyamory? How one person loves multiple people isn't the same as how another does it???

Wikipedia is a user-contributed database that is unreliable. Anyone can write, re-write, and edit articles, and they don't even have to be a member. I am a member and regular contributor, and I have experience cleaning up numerous articles that just have false, unverified information with no reliable source citations (never mind the grammatical errors!). So, whoever categorized those articles like that used their own judgement and may well have been very misinformed. Also, often things get changed (or not) after a bunch of contributors get together and debate stuff over weeks or months and still don't know what to do.

 

[swingers]

I am only meaning to say that a lifestyle is how you live your life. if that means that you are open to loving more than one person, than so be it. Each person has a "style" in which they "live," hence "lifestyle" A POLYAMOROUS LIFESTYLE is simply the commonality that polys have in being able to love more than one person, in all the different varieties and flavors that it entails, just as a VEGAN LIFESTYLE or a BIKER LIFESTYLE simply generalizes the community that associates with that social background.

But, I seem to realize that i am only conversing with one person about this on two separate posts. You butt heads with me every time i express my point of view, so... enjoy your lifestyle, and on to the next discussion.

 

[IndieSolo]

but... i seem to realize that i am only conversing with one person about this on 2 seperate posts, you butt heads with me every time i express my point of view...

Not butting heads, just responding. It's a conversation. I tend to answer threads in the wee hours because I'm an insomniac.

 

[ImaginaryIllusion]

i am only meaning to say that a lifestyle is how you live your life. if that means that you are open to loving more than one person, than so beit. each person has a "style" in which they "live" hence "lifestyle" A POLYAMORUS LIFESTYLE is simply the comonality that poly's have in being able to love more than one person, in all the different varieties and flavors that it entails. just as a VEGAN LIFESTYLE or a BIKER LIFESTYLE simply generalizes the community that associates with that social background.

Oh dear....this whole thread would be making me go <headdesk> if I was actually paying attention.

Is polyamoury a lifestyle...yeah, there's no reason it wouldn't fit with various definitions of a lifestyle, wiki, dictionary or other.

It really shouldn't be this confusing though...since it all just comes down to the lexicon of the community.

When talking with swingers in their community, they will refer to being in the Lifestyle.

When talking to Poly folk...we don't talk about being in 'the Lifestyle'...we talk about Poly.

That's it. If you want to ask Poly folk about their Lifestyle...you just need to substitute the word Lifestyle with Poly. Otherwise the poly folk get confused and think they're being confused with swingers...with similar reactions to Kiwi's being assumed for Aussie's, Canucks for Yanks, or pudgy for pregnant...and that should be enough generalizations to choke a medium equestrian mammal.

 

[IndieSolo]

For this thread, what I think is more interesting is swingers' original questions:

Would you say that the Swinger Life Style has a natural progression into the Polyamoury life style? just the same as partying around, and promisquis hetero sex is (by some people deffinition of regular human life) a natrual steping stone on to a monogomus marrage?

or are there people that are born to be poly, swing, kinky, bi, gay, lesbien, and strait?

or... is it just another attempt to put a label on somthing that is be a fulid progression threw the spectrum of humans exploring our emotions?

I answered it with my opinion, but it then took off on a tangent about the word lifestyle.