poly or swinging

I apologize for the confusion. I have been posting in various states of mind ranging between pissed off, drowsy, hyped up on caffeine, and just plain mellow. Plus I've been trying to pay attention to several different threads. I got a little confused.

I was just curious why someone would say they weren't in a lifestyle when in essence of the word everybody is in a lifestyle of some shape or form. i just didn't realize the implication of the word on a poly forum. I apologize. I now see that it us usually a generalization about swingers, and obviously polys take offence to being put in the same category as swingers.

Thank you for enlightening me to this unique cultural view on the word. :) Now... who wants pie? :D
 
It has nothing to do with being compared to swingers. You are focussing too deeply on the split between the two and creating a difference based on swingers vs poly.

There can in fact be a poly lifestyle. Why not, some people live the way they want. For most of poly is simply just a way to be. I can love more than one. It has no impact on my day-to-day life. If I were monogamous my life would be exactly the same... minus being in love with another person. THAT'S the difference. Lifestyle implies a... temporariness, or... lack of importance. Poly isn't a "lifestyle."

No one says "that's a monogamous lifestyle." People would look at ya funny. Poly is the same way. Period. Not swinger vs poly, not poly vs mono, nothing.
 
I dunno, some poly people don't want to be associated with being "in the lifestyle" because they fear being thought of as swingers. Some aren't all that worried or haven't thought if it. When people speak to each other in code by saying they are "in the lifestyle" it means swinging. It means sex and not love. I can see some poly people objecting to that.
 
swingers said:
i am only meaning to say that a lifestyle is how you live your life.
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And a personal lifestyle is not a shared "Lifestyle." Polyamory is part of my personal lifestyle, yet there is no "polyamory lifestyle" that I share with anybody else on these boards. Please reread the thread and you'll find a good explanation of the differences between a personal lifestyle and a shared "Lifestyle."
 
AutumnalTone said:
And a personal lifestyle is not a shared "Lifestyle." Polyamory is part of my personal lifestyle, yet there is no "polyamory lifestyle" that I share with anybody else on these boards. Please reread the thread and you'll find a good explanation of the differences between a personal lifestyle and a shared "Lifestyle."
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I don't think Swingers is here to read what other people have written.
 
I totally get the distinction between "a lifestyle" and "the lifestyle" by the way, and I'm glad you mentioned that. However, it still makes sense to use "the" depending on the sentence. Like, you can't say, "How are you enjoying a lifestyle?" You know what I mean?

I actually came to the thread because today there was a guy on TV who had two horses. He commented "It's a lifestyle". I thought I had to repeat it here, because every time I hear that word now I think of this thread. Heh.
 
Ariakas said:
Lifestyle implies a temporariness, or lack of importance. Poly isn't a "lifestyle."

No one says, "That's a monogamous lifestyle." People would look at ya funny. Poly is the same way. Period. Not swinger vs poly, not poly vs mono, nothing.
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Well how about the word "culture" or even "subculture?" After all, monogamy is the ruling culture in the West. It's ipso facto, the default. Poly people are in a subculture. We do have a culture, even if one of us is a vegan, another loves those UFC fights, another one is a poet or lactivist or computer geek.

We share concerns and issues, even if we are black or white, straight or queer, old or young, vanilla or kinky. How to communicate openly and honestly (even more important for us than for monos), how to find local poly people, how to progress in a new relationship with little or no damage to the primary partnership, dealing openly with jealousy/envy, degrees of sexual intimacy with a second lover that the established partner is okay with, how often to text, call, or message, how to schedule dates with two or more partners, how to be "one's own primary" when a lover is out with someone else, how to come out to family and friends, whether to share childbirth/child-care with the other lover(s), more LDRs (because good local polys can be hard to find), cohousing with two partners, how to be friends with a metamour, higher percentage of bisexuals in our group, etc., etc.

I feel fine with calling it a poly culture.
 
Maybe its because I sit so far outside of the poly norm. There are definitive groupings of who poly people are. They can usually meet on political and religious grounds and have poly be included.

I find labels that group people badly constraining. You can look at any culture or subculture, or lifestyle, and you immediately create limitations on who they are. Polyamory as a "collective" does that.

Hell, I am a conservative. That sticks me with a lot of very harsh criticisms sometimes. To take that further, there are poly people that will refuse to talk to me because I lean on the right side of middle. They won't even allow me an explanation of my stance.

We as a whole may want polyamory culture to only define how we love, but that's simply not the case. The reality is that polyamory brings with it stereotypes and conditioning. Now, if I had the time or inclination I might be willing to stand there and fight against those stereotypes, but I just can't. So I have to be clear that poly for me is a way of loving, not a constraining "subculture" or "lifestyle."

You can even look at kink. Most people make massive assumptions when you say you are kinky. I HATE being tied to that. The subculture of kink and fetish lock you into certain beliefs perpetuated by their need to be different. How many vanillas have I met that believe my immediate sexual desire is to beat them, because of the myths perpetuated by lifestylers?

Now, are there lifestylers? Can there be people existing within the subculture? Sure. Absolutely. My personal take on it is that I don't. These pieces of my life are all small parts of me, not some greater movement..

I like to flog my bisexual lovers who are being videotaped, while debating the importance of fiscal responsibility and the absurdity of religious constraints. And loving them at the same time. All the while not being dressed in pleather, and demanding the attention I didn't get at a younger age, and of course doing this in the privacy of my own home.

*shrug* Poly is poly. I love more than one in a non-monogamous way. I enjoy the people I meet because of poly. I hang out with poly people. There is no subculture or lifestyle there for me.

This is all about me and my views. I could be way off in left field. Maybe there is a subculture to making chili (something else I enjoy and do often), but again, I just like to eat. It's not a subculture for me either. Poly isn't any different (well, except the level of spiciness). ;)
 
Ariakas said:
I like to flog my bisexual lovers who are being videotaped, while debating the importance of fiscal responsibility and the absurdity of religious constraints, and loving them at the same time. All the while not being dressed in pleather, and demanding the attention I didn't get at a younger age, and of course doing this in the privacy of my own home.
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Really ? :eek: Thank gawd you weren`t like that with me. I'd've snapped your flogger, and thumped you with my rosary! :p haha


As for the topic, I don`t really see the problem with 'lifestyle.' You don`t like the word for yourself, don`t use it. If you do, use it. Words morph and gain new meanings over time. The argument that 'monogamy' doesn`t call itself a lifestyle is leading the topic a bit astray, I think. Monogamy is taken for granted, and so are the implications of it. Words to describe it are very basic and simple. It is assumed to be 'natural,' requiring less explanation and less labelling.
 
Magdlyn said:
Well how about the word "culture" or even "subculture?" After all, monogamy is the ruling culture in the West. It's ipso facto, the default. Poly people are in a subculture. We do have a culture, even if one of us is a vegan, another loves those UFC fights, another one is a poet or lactivist or computer geek.
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I'd say that is also incorrect. Monogamy is a default assumption in the predominant culture of the West. That doesn't make monogamy a culture unto itself. A culture is described by noting a collection of shared assumptions and practices.

That also doesn't mean that the folks who act outside cultural expectations automatically share a subculture, as subcultures, too, rely on a collection of characteristics that define them. There are no characteristics beyond poly that are shared by even a majority of polyfolk, so no actual sub-culture definition is possible.

There is no Poly Lifestyle and there is no Poly Subculture. There are only folks who have multiple, ethical, romantic relationships as part of their personal lifestyles.
 
AutumnalTone said:
A culture is described by noting a collection of shared assumptions and practices...

There is no Poly Lifestyle and there is no Poly Subculture. There are only folks who have multiple, ethical, romantic relationships as part of their personal lifestyles.
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Agree to disagree. I feel like I am in a subculture and this board is part of it. *shrug*
 
In sociology, anthropology and cultural studies, a subculture is a group of people with a culture (whether distinct or hidden) which differentiates them from the larger culture to which they belong.

By this definition I think that poly does qualify as a subculture within western culture. Most people in western society believe (on the surface anyway) of loving only one at a time. Poly people obviously do not, making poly people distinct in that way from the larger culture.
 
ImaginaryIllusion said:
That's it. If you want to ask Poly folk about their Lifestyle...you just need to substitute the word Lifestyle with Poly. Otherwise the poly folk get confused and think they're being confused with swingers...with similar reactions to Kiwi's being assumed for Aussie's, Canucks for Yanks, or pudgy for pregnant...and that should be enough generalizations to choke a medium equestrian mammal.
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Damn, forgot the first rule of the forum - don't drink beverages while reading!

;)
 
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